Wife Admits Affair with a Woman - What Do I Do?

[Groo]

She is living in a fantasy world where she has no obligations and no consequences for her actions. I think she knows she is using him and feels some guilt, but not enough to stop the affair.

At this point pushing for the divorce and primary custody seems to be the only reasonable action. He needs to find out from a lawyer what his chances are for getting custody. Given that he both works and takes care of the kids while she steps out at night, I would think his chances at custody are pretty good.

She has a great gig right now; all the fun and none of the responsibility. I don’t see her giving that up without having somewhere else to go; so I don’t think there is an imminent danger of her taking the kids away from him. I would bet anything that she is in discussions with her affair partner on how they are going to manage in a post-marriage environment (i.e. why she is asking for time). If he waits too long though, he could come home from work to a Dear John note and an empty home.

He needs to put together a plan to get custody of those kids and execute it immediately. The longer he waits and gives his wife and affair partner time to plan, the worse off everyone is going to be.

edit: OP also needs some local support system. I understand being embarrassed, but this is all too much for any one person to handle on his own. I hope OP finds someone he trusts to confide in all of this. A counselor may be a good start, but he’ll need friends too.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Speaking as a married man, I would feel less strongly if my wife cheated with another woman, but not for the reasons you cite.

My gut reaction would be (if my wife declared she was homosexual) “I can’t compete with that” and would conclude that this is nothing of my doing but a deep-seated issue that she either kept hidden, didn’t acknowledge or tried to deny by marrying to be “normal”. I would of course be very disappointed and hurt, because I love her deeply and she’s my best friend and probably the only person I really enjoy spending more than 5 minutes with beyond my own children. I wouldn’t consider it “cheating” in the normal sense but rather finally coming to grips with who she really is. I wouldn’t want to stay married I think; I would in fact question if the marriage really was valid all long. But I don’t think I’d part acrimoniously unless she was being grossly unfair about the financial aspects of the separation. I just can’t compete with “lesbian”.

With all due respect, you are drinking the gay-essentialist Kool Aid. “Who she really is”? Really? I’m attracted to other guys, but you will have a VERY hard time convincing me that this is “who I really am”. And it’s even less the case with lesbians, who often discover their attraction later in life. If people discovered an attraction to gardening or pickpocketing later in life, we would not say this is “who they really are”. We would say it’s something they like doing.

Why not say the same here? People are people, and having an affair is fun – doesn’t matter what body parts or genders are involved. The OP’s wife enjoys the affair. Of course she does. There is no “ultimate truth” about her at stake here. She may be dissatisfied with her marital relationship, sexually or otherwise, but that does not suddenly excuse her from her vows. She can’t say, “Oh dear, I must have always been lesbian! So long, bucko!”

As for bisexuality I sincerely doubt the ability of a bisexual person to remain entirely faithful and chaste within marriage, because there is an aspect of the person that the spouse will never be able to satisfy. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but I’m sure it would be tough.

As a bisexual man married to a woman, what you say here strikes me as nonsense. In a marriage, there are always plenty of aspects of ourselves that our spouse can’t satisfy. The desire to be with a man is not somehow something that takes control of my body and forces me, zombie-like, to leave my wife and have affairs with men. In essence, you are saying that bisexual people are incapable of chastity, full stop. That is just bad theology.

It’s wrong to be glib about her “breaking her vows” or being a simple adulteress. It’s far more complex than that.

Are you saying that, when gay people make vows, those vows don’t count? How can you say that and simultaneously uphold the intelligence and dignity of gay people?

 

[OraLabora]

No, actually it is this simple:

 Do you keep your word or not?

She took a vow before God to her spouse. It is that simple.

She has two children, does she love them?

Tearing apart their family isn’t love. It is that simple.

Simplistic solutions to complex problems rarely work. If she truly is homosexual (as opposed to just infatuated or “exploring”), then no amount of scolding about respecting vows will work and give the OP a shot at a workable marriage with normal and mutually satisfying conjugal relations.

For his sake he should separate, seek annulment and civil divorce and custody (although good luck with that in today’s messed-up society). If she was hiding these tendencies from the start, I suspect there are grounds for non-validity of the marriage as she duped both herself and her husband.

She on the other hand will have to live with the consequences of her actions. She does however deserve our prayers as much as he does. Spreading hate on her won’t solve anything and it isn’t Christian.

The CCC itself calls it a deep-seated disorder:

2358 The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God’s will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord’s Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.

.

It also calls for compassion in their regard.

It’s a very unfortunate situation. Prayers for all concerned are needed.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

The conversation went another way. She advised me that she is relatively certain that she is a lesbian / is gay. She realizes that she owes it to herself and to me to not be married to me if this is indeed the case. She feels that she’s always kind of known, but this relationship is proving it.

From these words, you can tell a lot. She thinks that one must pursue whatever one desires. That lie is destroying her family. It’s very sad.

“She owes it to herself and to me.”

What does she owe to her children? Her words are excuses, all of them. If she intends to try to keep the children, she intends to be a thief.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Simplistic solutions to complex problems rarely work. If she truly is homosexual (as opposed to just infatuated or “exploring”), then no amount of scolding about respecting vows will work and give the OP a shot at a workable marriage with normal and mutually satisfying conjugal relations.

Why prioritize mutually satisfying conjugal relations over the needs of the children? This family needs to stay together, if at all possible.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Simplistic solutions to complex problems rarely work. If she truly is homosexual (as opposed to just infatuated or “exploring”), then no amount of scolding about respecting vows will work and give the OP a shot at a workable marriage with normal and mutually satisfying conjugal relations.

For his sake he should separate, seek annulment and civil divorce and custody (although good luck with that in today’s messed-up society). If she was hiding these tendencies from the start, I suspect there are grounds for non-validity of the marriage as she duped both herself and her husband.

She on the other hand will have to live with the consequences of her actions. She does however deserve our prayers as much as he does. Spreading hate on her won’t solve anything and it isn’t Christian.

The CCC itself calls it a deep-seated disorder:

.

It also calls for compassion in their regard.

It’s a very unfortunate situation. Prayers for all concerned are needed.

It’s so easy for us to rationalize doing the wrong thing. It is so easy to take the very simple concept of keeping our words and our vow and make it more nuanced.

So many shades of grey to layer over the very simple black and white.

She is rationalizing no doubt, just like you, to justify what she wants to do. That a very simple concept and morality don’t apply in her case. That it’s special and different and ok for her. To avoid her responsibilities in life. Just one-- she is the archetype for females in her son’s lives. She will define for them what women are through her actions. Whether they can be trusted, whether they have the ability to commit and love for a lifetime, whether their words can be believed. They will expect to be treated no better from women in life than how she treats her husband.

Now, I do agree that the OP can not force her to bear her responsibilities. He can’t keep her from damaging her children. He can only do his best to mitigate the damages, minimize the impact.

Read all I have advised him of. It’s based on experience. His best chance for having full physical custody is not in court, it is knowing his wife well enough to be able to leverage her desires and selfishness. To use that against her just as she is counting on his love for her and using it against him. It may be possible to maneuver so that he doesn’t even have to fight for custody, it is something she ends up giving willingly that she would never do if directly challenged.

It takes thinking rationally, objectively and with much prayer for guidance to the Holy Spirit.

Love is actually very simple. It takes concern for the other person over ourselves, to be willing to bear pain on our own part to avoid or ease the pain of others. Love is the hard choice, not the easy one.

If this woman tears her children’s home apart, than she does not love them. It is truly that simple. Here’s a couple of things my daughter posted- one’s from a book, the others are her own. Realize, her mother gave 50% custody just three weeks before it became inconvenient and asked me to take them more. Their mother is permitted to visit my children anytime in their home with me. Every morning before school, on the afternoons, on the weekends- whenever my children are willing to have her there.

“Sometimes it is easier to think of her as dead. In a way she is, she no longer holds the same values or acts like she once did. Once something like this would have disgusted her. Everytime my behavior reminds someone of how she once was it is like reminiscing over a lost loved one. There is this fear that I will end up just like her but, also this longing to be like how she once was cause she would be proud. I miss her everyday and sometimes it really does seem like she passed away and is looking down on me with the attention and treatment she used to give me.”

“I really wish my Mom hadn’t left. I mean yeah I joke about it all the time and can have a dark sense of humor about it. However, the truth is she picked other things and other people over me. No wonder my self-esteem is nonexistant I wasn’t enough to make my own Mother stick around and at the end of the day it hurts… and I don’t know what to do about that.”

“And if she loves me, she hides it well. Parenting should be a passion, not a part-time pursuit. The wind kicks stronger, branches clatter. Or maybe skeletons. Bones of abandonment. Ghosts of what will never be.”

The only thing that becomes complex is dealing with and attempting to mitigate the damage that selfishness causes.

 

[OraLabora]

It’s so easy for us to rationalize doing the wrong thing. It is so easy to take the very simple concept of keeping our words and our vow and make it more nuanced.

So many shades of grey to layer over the very simple black and white.

She is rationalizing no doubt, just like you, to justify what she wants to do. That a very simple concept and morality don’t apply in her case. That it’s special and different and ok for her. To avoid her responsibilities in life. Just one-- she is the archetype for females in her son’s lives. She will define for them what women are through her actions. Whether they can be trusted, whether they have the ability to commit and love for a lifetime, whether their words can be believed. They will expect to be treated no better from women in life than how she treats her husband.

Now, I do agree that the OP can not force her to bear her responsibilities. He can’t keep her from damaging her children. He can only do his best to mitigate the damages, minimize the impact.

Read all I have advised him of. It’s based on experience. His best chance for having full physical custody is not in court, it is knowing his wife well enough to be able to leverage her desires and selfishness. To use that against her just as she is counting on his love for her and using it against him. It may be possible to maneuver so that he doesn’t even have to fight for custody, it is something she ends up giving willingly that she would never do if directly challenged.

It takes thinking rationally, objectively and with much prayer for guidance to the Holy Spirit.

Love is actually very simple. It takes concern for the other person over ourselves, to be willing to bear pain on our own part to avoid or ease the pain of others. Love is the hard choice, not the easy one.

If this woman tears her children’s home apart, than she does not love them. It is truly that simple. Here’s a couple of things my daughter posted- one’s from a book, the others are her own. Realize, her mother gave 50% custody just three weeks before it became inconvenient and asked me to take them more. Their mother is permitted to visit my children anytime in their home with me. Every morning before school, on the afternoons, on the weekends- whenever my children are willing to have her there.

“Sometimes it is easier to think of her as dead. In a way she is, she no longer holds the same values or acts like she once did. Once something like this would have disgusted her. Everytime my behavior reminds someone of how she once was it is like reminiscing over a lost loved one. There is this fear that I will end up just like her but, also this longing to be like how she once was cause she would be proud. I miss her everyday and sometimes it really does seem like she passed away and is looking down on me with the attention and treatment she used to give me.”

“I really wish my Mom hadn’t left. I mean yeah I joke about it all the time and can have a dark sense of humor about it. However, the truth is she picked other things and other people over me. No wonder my self-esteem is nonexistant I wasn’t enough to make my own Mother stick around and at the end of the day it hurts… and I don’t know what to do about that.”

“And if she loves me, she hides it well. Parenting should be a passion, not a part-time pursuit. The wind kicks stronger, branches clatter. Or maybe skeletons. Bones of abandonment. Ghosts of what will never be.”

The only thing that becomes complex is dealing with and attempting to mitigate the damage that selfishness causes.

The OP is asking us for our advice over actions his wife has committed and choices she has made. She owns responsibility for those choices as well as the free will to make them, and she will bear the consequences, which is very unfortunate for the family. She is not the one asking for the advice, he is. I am most certainly NOT trying to justify her actions and choices. They are a fait accompli. The OP is, correct me if I’m wrong, asking “now what?”. I am however saying she deserves our prayers and charity as much as anybody and as much as he does. Nobody here can judge her inner disposition, just her acts. All fundamentally good people sometimes do bad things. It’s in our sinful natures, and “there but for the grace of God go I”.

Lecturing via her husband to simply stop her sexual dalliances and come back to her family won’t make her any less lesbian. I believe that a marriage where one person is homosexual and the other isn’t, is ultimately doomed to failure and will cause great pain for both parties not to mention the children.

Of course if this is a mere passing infatuation it may work out in the end. Perhaps the best advice we can give to the OP is to speak to his priest, and try to convince his wife to see a therapist together. However if she is indeed a deep-seated homosexual I don’t believe the marriage can be saved. It might not even be valid.

 

[PaulinVA]

Why prioritize mutually satisfying conjugal relations over the needs of the children? This family needs to stay together, if at all possible.

My impression is that this used to be the norm - staying together for the family.

 

[styrgwillidar]

The OP is asking us for our advice over actions his wife has committed and choices she has made. She owns responsibility for those choices as well as the free will to make them, and she will bear the consequences, which is very unfortunate for the family. She is not the one asking for the advice, he is. I am most certainly NOT trying to justify her actions and choices. They are a fait accompli. The OP is, correct me if I’m wrong, asking “now what?”. I am however saying she deserves our prayers and charity as much as anybody and as much as he does. Nobody here can judge her inner disposition, just her acts. All fundamentally good people sometimes do bad things. It’s in our sinful natures, and “there but for the grace of God go I”.

Lecturing via her husband to simply stop her sexual dalliances and come back to her family won’t make her any less lesbian. I believe that a marriage where one person is homosexual and the other isn’t, is ultimately doomed to failure and will cause great pain for both parties not to mention the children.

Of course if this is a mere passing infatuation it may work out in the end. Perhaps the best advice we can give to the OP is to speak to his priest, and try to convince his wife to see a therapist together. However if she is indeed a deep-seated homosexual I don’t believe the marriage can be saved. It might not even be valid.

We are more in agreement than disagreement.

I agree-- the OP is in the reactive mode. His situation is really no different than if his wife were having an affair with a man. She has indicated she isn’t willing to change, he can’t talk or lecture her into a change of course. He can only try to determine what course of action will achieve the best results possible under the circumstances for his children.

Like you, I will be praying for all of them.

 

[OraLabora]

We are more in agreement than disagreement.

I agree-- the OP is in the reactive mode. His situation is really no different than if his wife were having an affair with a man. She has indicated she isn’t willing to change, he can’t talk or lecture her into a change of course. He can only try to determine what course of action will achieve the best results possible under the circumstances for his children.

Like you, I will be praying for all of them.

Yes basically I think we agree on the fundamentals.

Unfortunately I’ve seen this situation all too often. I know first hand of 4 situations where one of the partners declared their homosexuality after marriage (both lesbians and homosexual men; in fact one couple involved both!!!). All involved children, who are the real victims.

These are very unfortunate situations. I think it’s much better to be up-front and honest about homosexuality before marriage, but I gather some folks managed to be in denial about it for some time.

 

[robertmidwest]

OP: If you are in fact real and genuine, please forgive what is going to be written below. I just want to give everyone on this board a heads up to prevent things from getting out of hand.

---

This thread was made by a trial member with one post who wants to talk a lot about how bad divorce is for men. We have had a lot of people come over from “men’s rights” sites recently to post fake threads that bait others into arguments so that they can go back to their sites and laugh about/bash the posters here. Then other people from these sites join with trial accounts to get in on the argument and it just turns into a big, offensive, mess that the mods have to shut down. I just want to bring it to everyone’s attention before anyone gets baited into an argument and things spiral.

A healthy amount of skeptism about anything is good. As I have watched the forum for the last few days I am moving away from HEALTHY SKEPTICISM and towards THIS IS A FAKE. Seems like there are a lot of new members with a lot of homosexual oriented questsions.

 

[pianistclare]

A healthy amount of skeptism about anything is good. As I have watched the forum for the last few days I am moving away from HEALTHY SKEPTICISM and towards THIS IS A FAKE. Seems like there are a lot of new members with a lot of homosexual oriented questsions.

Yes. This happens a lot. Someone comes on and advances something controversial or outrageous, and then they never come back on…they’re simply watching the feathers fly, the Catholics talk sex, or why men can’t get a good woman, because there are no good women. Blech. It’s pretty much the same thing over and over. People will say this is an uncharitable response, but really. It does happen. Way too often.

 

[Cone]

You’re too nice and she’s taking advantage of it. Who is paying for her grad school education?

 

[styrgwillidar]

A healthy amount of skeptism about anything is good. As I have watched the forum for the last few days I am moving away from HEALTHY SKEPTICISM and towards THIS IS A FAKE. Seems like there are a lot of new members with a lot of homosexual oriented questsions.

While this particular post could be fake, a rise in general questions and comments on the teaching on homosexuality doesn’t suprise me at all. I teach CCD and the teaching in public schools, as well as much of the news coverage does conflict with Catholic teaching. Multiple questions on the subject come up multiple times from my students every year, who are middle-schoolers. They really do struggle with this contradiction between public schools framing it as an equality/prejudice issue and the Church’s teaching on morality. It seems they have a harder time with this than the teaching on heterosexual sexual relations being limited to occurring within marriage.

 

[pianistclare]

While this particular post could be fake, a rise in general questions and comments on the teaching on homosexuality doesn’t suprise me at all. I teach CCD and the teaching in public schools, as well as much of the news coverage does conflict with Catholic teaching. Multiple questions on the subject come up multiple times from my students every year, who are middle-schoolers. They really do struggle with this contradiction between public schools framing it as an equality/prejudice issue and the Church’s teaching on morality. It seems they have a harder time with this than the teaching on heterosexual sexual relations being limited to occurring within marriage.

Correct. I can’t help be think that the rise in these threads is more to illuminate what the media tells people: That Catholics can’t even agree on these topics, and that Catholics disregard what they are taught and simply “go with their feelings”.
I’ve seen how some of these posts have ended up on more rigid, (if you will) sites and are twisted and shown as evidence of CAF being full of nut-jobs. It’s just unfortunate. We can’t help what people do for grins.
I truly appreciate those who are in line with what the Church really teaches and comment with compassion and facts.

 

[robertmidwest]

While this particular post could be fake, a rise in general questions and comments on the teaching on homosexuality doesn’t suprise me at all. I teach CCD and the teaching in public schools, as well as much of the news coverage does conflict with Catholic teaching. Multiple questions on the subject come up multiple times from my students every year, who are middle-schoolers. They really do struggle with this contradiction between public schools framing it as an equality/prejudice issue and the Church’s teaching on morality. It seems they have a harder time with this than the teaching on heterosexual sexual relations being limited to occurring within marriage.

The forum will reflect populare culture and hot topics in the media will show up here. There are some out there who are confused by messages in the media.

I was thinking something more purposely coordinated though. Sort of like you have group out there doing a “take over”.

 

[styrgwillidar]

The forum will reflect populare culture and hot topics in the media will show up here. There are some out there who are confused by messages in the media.

I was thinking something more purposely coordinated though. Sort of like you have group out there doing a “take over”.

You could very well be correct, very hard to tell. Could be a bit of both.

 

[LokisMom]

You’re too nice and she’s taking advantage of it. Who is paying for her grad school education?

I think this is what it comes down to.

Praying for you, OP.