Wife doesn't want me to attend daily Mass

[TheRealJuliane]

She actually told me that she was worried that going to daily mass was the first step on the path to having an affair. Go figure.

Tell her, “Honey, if you come to Mass with me, you can see I’m not going there to pick someone up!”

She does have trust issues, doesn’t she?

But actually, with that response, she’s given you an opening. You can talk to her about what your faith means to you, that it only STRENGTHENS your vows to her, and your vows to God. That you will be a better husband to her, and a better father to your children, because you are a man of faith. Educate her about what the Church means to you and what God says about your marriage. Even if she didn’t consent to your conversion, she’s going to benefit from it and she needs to understand how she is and will continue to benefit.

 

[mcrow]

She actually told me that she was worried that going to daily mass was the first step on the path to having an affair. Go figure.

Does she have a reason to not trust you? Not that I think you’ve done anything, it could be previous experiences but it sure seems she is insecure for some reason.

Perhaps she thinks that if she does not conform to your faith you might look for a new wife that better fits your beliefs? Not that I would ever advocate doing so, but I think that could be the line of thought. So, in order to make your faith closer to hers she’s making demands.

 

[JNdoum]

Buy her a nice present for no particular occasion as a suprise. She’ll likely say something like “It’s not Valentines, not my birthday, not christmas, not our anneversay, what’s up with this?”

Then you can say: “It’s not required that I give you such a gift of love on an ordinary day, but I love you just as much today as Valentine’s day.”

She’ll hopefully melt. After a little while, you can point out that daily mass is the same sort of thing. It’s not about completing a checklist of minimum requirements needed to get into heaven someday, it’s about knowing and loving the God who made you. You’ve found him in the sacraments and you’re not satisfied with the minimum.

But by the way, take extra care in the upcoming months to do little acts of love on an ongoing basis to reassure your wife that she doesn’t have to compete with God for your love.

I rather like this suggestion.

 

[Irishgal49]

I truly believe this is the answer for you at this time. Yes, she’s wrong in making this demand, but you should show compassion and perhaps, in time, she will understand your need. Being compassionate trumps being right. I have learned that lesson the hard way.

I disagree. It’s LUNCH HOUR, just go and don’t mention it. In the meantime talk to your priest. If you let her call the shots and come between you and God, eventually you won’t be going to mass at all.

I married a Jewish man and he whittled away at my faith and I let him and ended up out of the Church for 9 years. I’d tell her I’m going on my lunch hour end of discussion. You are not taking anything away from your family time or work time. Go and don’t do what I did.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

She actually told me that she was worried that going to daily mass was the first step on the path to having an affair. Go figure.

What did you do before on your lunch breaks? Did you call your wife regularly during that time? Run household errands?

I think the advice above about assuring your wife of your commitment to her is very sound.

Your duty is to your wife and the well-being of your marriage. As a lay man, you have no obligation to attend daily Mass, you do have an obligation to your wife.

No, she shouldn’t be jealous of Mass, but she obviously is. So it is your job to reassure her and help her understand why it is important to you. If she’s not devout or even practicing her own faith, that will be more difficult.

I recommend you look up the writings of Elizabeth Lesuer. She was an extremely devout laywoman married to an atheist. Her conversion was very difficult for him, but through her inspiration he did convert and after her death became a priest. There is now a cause opened for her cannonization. Although your position is not exactly the same, her writings may be helpful to you.

If your wife is a Christian, I recommend that you consider family prayers or Bible readings together. There are quite a few prayers or topical studies that you could do together. Simply reading/praying a psalm together every evening.

Do not knowingly let your new enthusiasm drive a wedge between you two. She is not asking you to renounce your faith or stop going to Sunday Mass. Be gentle with her during this time and I am sure you will gain many graces as both your marraige and your faith grow stronger.

 

[nevadairenaeus]

Yes there are trust issues. I made a major change at mid life and she rightly wonders what is next. I’ve tried to be a better husband and father however. She actually said yesterday that I should win the Father of the Year award.

Some background info: I have never cheated on my wife or given her the slightest reason to be concerned about something like that. We were both raised Mormon and she is very active in that church. The problem is that she feels I betrayed our family and our marriage vows (we were married in a Mormon temple) by becoming Catholic. She was very opposed to me being baptized and at a certain point I had to decide whether to remain Mormon to keep the family intact or to join the Catholic Church and risk losing my family. With many prayers and tears I chose Christ and His Church. My wife feels that I chose to abandon the true church and be misled by Satan.

 

[mcrow]

Yes there are trust issues. I made a major change at mid life and she rightly wonders what is next. I’ve tried to be a better husband and father however. She actually said yesterday that I should win the Father of the Year award.

Some background info: I have never cheated on my wife or given her the slightest reason to be concerned about something like that. We were both raised Mormon and she is very active in that church. The problem is that she feels I betrayed our family and our marriage vows (we were married in a Mormon temple) by becoming Catholic. She was very opposed to me being baptized and at a certain point I had to decide whether to remain Mormon to keep the family intact or to join the Catholic Church and risk losing my family. With many prayers and tears I chose Christ and His Church. My wife feels that I chose to abandon the true church and be misled by Satan.

Well, then, that’s some important information there. Tough situation there, not sure how to help you. It’s very difficult when a spouse is very much opposed tot he other’s faith. Pray for her, pray for your marriage and I will toss in a prayer or two for you as well.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I know people have good intentions, but I would caution from my own experience. If you curtail your religious practices because it might make someone else uncomfortable, including your spouse, then IMO you are going to end up lukewarm (at best) and we know what happens to the lukewarm.

I have deferred to my husband for 20 years now, and not been as involved in the Church as I would have liked to be. It has been very difficult. I feel guilty for not doing more, and if I do more, he mocks me and derides me. The problem is not that I want to be at church more, the problem is that he wants me to be there less, and preferably not at all. If I gave in to his wishes, I would not even be practicing my faith and neither would our sons.

The OP is a new Catholic. He NEEDS the sacraments. He says he feels fragile, and he has no support for his faith at home. I advise him NOT to stop going to daily Mass. But he should engage his wife in conversation about her lack of trust and worry that he will somehow cheat on her at church. She may have bad experiences from her childhood.

 

[nickiwool]

Awwww I do hope this goes well for you I recently came back to Catholicism from protestant. I don’t have a vehicle at the moment so I go on a website to see the mass for the day. I know what you mean by having this calling to go even on weekdays. I watch the masses every weekday on catholictv.com awesome site. Praying this works out for you :console:

-Nicki

 

[SpeSalvi]

I think inviting her to go to Mass with you is a great idea. Let her know that there is NOTHING about Catholicism that you have to keep from her (that’ll be a new experience ). She probably won’t take you up on the offer, but knowing that she’s welcome to go may alleviate some of the fear she has.
I went through a similar experience when I was still LDS and my husband was coming back into Catholicism after lapsing for years. I too was worried to death that he would meet a “nice Catholic girl”, fall in “Godly” love with her, and leave me. What finally helped me was when he started trying to involve me in his faith in little ways that would be non-offensive to who I considered God to be (like inviting me to say the “Our Father” when he was praying the rosary). I got comfortable with his Catholicism because there wasn’t any shutting me out- he made sure I felt welcome to participate in whatever I felt comfortable in. This actually got me curious and into RCIA to learn more, and the rest is history
Make sure you still do religious things with your wife- do a marriage encounter weekend (which is a non-denominational thing); pray together, etc etc. You need her to understand that just because you’re not LDS anymore doesn’t mean that you’re abandoning HER when it comes to faith.

Just because I haven’t seen this advice yet, I’d talk to your priest, or even someone in the Church that you trust (your sponsor, perhaps?).

And as for actually stopping, I would try to reason with her first, but if she holds her ground try compromising (only on Wednesdays and Fridays or something to that effect). Make sure she understands that this is important to you- ask her if she could swing it, would she attend the temple every day? Her answer will probably be yes. Tell her that you DO have the opportunity to worship God every day and it’s important to you that you do just that. I’d only concede if she makes it absolutely obvious that it’s a deal breaker for you two, and even then I’d tell her that it hurts you that she’s making you choose between her and God.

 

[catharina]

If you are going on break at work and it’s not causing problems with work or anything else I can hardly see where she has a right to tell you not to go. She’s your wife, not your mother.

… and she’s not your "owner."

 

[TheExorcist]

So I just converted to Catholicism this Easter and have been going on my lunch break to Mass when my work schedule permits. I really feel a need and desire for the Eucharist. I feel the need for the grace and life that it brings. It’s something new and wonderful. Since my wife is not Catholic nor supportive of me becoming Catholic, I haven’t told her that I am attending Mass during the week. Talking about religion always seems to create more tension.

However, the situation changed today. I was coming out of Mass when she called. She asked where I was and I told her. She became very upset and feels that I am sneaking around with all this Catholic stuff. She feels that I am obsessed (which i probably am, but in a good way I hope). She doesn’t understand why I am going since it is not an obligation to attend. I have trouble communicating with her about my spiritual life. To her its all strange and unfortunately she doesn’t want to know anything about it. Kind of a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ situation.

So now she is asking me not to go to Mass on the weekdays. Its not a requirement of the faith, so I guess I could stop going if it is causing problems in my marriage. On the other hand, as I stated above, I feel the spiritual need to be there and receive Christ in the Eucharist. I feel somewhat spiritually fragile. I’m not sure what to do.

Man, I seriously wish we lived in the same city so we could hang out, I think we’d get along great. We’re going through some of the same struggles.

I say find a way to express to her how important daily Mass is to your spiritual health. Use all the Mormon analogies your seminary and Sunday School teachers used on you when you were a YM. Things she can understand. Is the parish you attend during the week OF or EF?

 

[thewanderer]

I disagree. It’s LUNCH HOUR, just go and don’t mention it. In the meantime talk to your priest. If you let her call the shots and come between you and God, eventually you won’t be going to mass at all.

I married a Jewish man and he whittled away at my faith and I let him and ended up out of the Church for 9 years. I’d tell her I’m going on my lunch hour end of discussion. You are not taking anything away from your family time or work time. Go and don’t do what I did.

I’m not so sure about this… Maybe if it were a matter of Sunday Mass… But if the OP continues to go to daily mass against the wishes of his wife and to do it secretly that seems like a recipe for disastor in his marriage! If his wife ever finds out about it it is likely to cause problems that just might be irrepareable… especially considering the fact that her issues with it seem to already stem from a lack of trust. I don’t think the OP necessarily needs to stop going to daily mass, but he should definately continue to talk to his wife about it, and to try and help her overcome her distrust.

Tell her, “Honey, if you come to Mass with me, you can see I’m not going there to pick someone up!”

She does have trust issues, doesn’t she?

But actually, with that response, she’s given you an opening. You can talk to her about what your faith means to you, that it only STRENGTHENS your vows to her, and your vows to God. That you will be a better husband to her, and a better father to your children, because you are a man of faith. Educate her about what the Church means to you and what God says about your marriage. Even if she didn’t consent to your conversion, she’s going to benefit from it and she needs to understand how she is and will continue to benefit.

This seems like a much better approach!! Explain the importance that the church places upon the sacrament of matrimony, how according to the church it is so much more than a promise between two people to always love each other, but that it is a union specially blessed and consecrated by God so that it is so, so much worse to break than a mere promise! Help her to see that through the church and the mass you are being given and praying for the strength to live out this God-given vocation so that you can always remain faithful to her.

Also, just a thought, but if you ever do refrain from daily mass for your wifes sake, you can still recieve a spiritual communion. This is where you pray for Jesus to come to you spiritually in a special way because you are not able to recieve Him sacramentally. Here is a link to one version of a prayer for a spiritual communion
ourcatholicprayers.com/spiritual-communion.html

Congratulations on your conversion!!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Yes there are trust issues. I made a major change at mid life and she rightly wonders what is next. I’ve tried to be a better husband and father however. She actually said yesterday that I should win the Father of the Year award.

Some background info: I have never cheated on my wife or given her the slightest reason to be concerned about something like that. We were both raised Mormon and she is very active in that church. The problem is that she feels I betrayed our family and our marriage vows (we were married in a Mormon temple) by becoming Catholic. She was very opposed to me being baptized and at a certain point I had to decide whether to remain Mormon to keep the family intact or to join the Catholic Church and risk losing my family. With many prayers and tears I chose Christ and His Church. My wife feels that I chose to abandon the true church and be misled by Satan.

Dear OP, I posted my last response without having seen this post by you. You are in a very difficult situation. I would urge you to search for an ex-Mormon group here on CAF - I know there is at least one - and talk to those people for more specific support. From reading some of their past threads, I gather that splitting off from the LDS church is a very difficult thing, especially if your family stays in the church. Actually, the fact that you did convert against the wishes of your wife, speaks very well of you. I know that some forum members won’t understand that, but it is VERY difficult to get out of the LDS and I have read stories where people are shunned by their families and end up totally alone.

You should not stop going to Mass. You will need all of the grace of the Eucharist in order to continue despite your wife’s disapproval.

 

[garn9173]

I’m not so sure about this… Maybe if it were a matter of Sunday Mass… But if the OP continues to go to daily mass against the wishes of his wife and to do it secretly that seems like a recipe for disastor in his marriage! If his wife ever finds out about it it is likely to cause problems that just might be irrepareable… especially considering the fact that her issues with it seem to already stem from a lack of trust. I don’t think the OP necessarily needs to stop going to daily mass, but he should definately continue to talk to his wife about it, and to try and help her overcome her distrust.

I couldn’t disagree more. The OP’s wife is being a control freak by telling him what he can and cann’t do over his lunch hour. If he caves into his wife, the things she will control and dictate what he can and cann’t do will only get worse.

 

[constantconvert]

I think inviting her to go to Mass with you is a great idea. Let her know that there is NOTHING about Catholicism that you have to keep from her (that’ll be a new experience ). She probably won’t take you up on the offer, but knowing that she’s welcome to go may alleviate some of the fear she has.
I went through a similar experience when I was still LDS and my husband was coming back into Catholicism after lapsing for years. I too was worried to death that he would meet a “nice Catholic girl”, fall in “Godly” love with her, and leave me. What finally helped me was when he started trying to involve me in his faith in little ways that would be non-offensive to who I considered God to be (like inviting me to say the “Our Father” when he was praying the rosary). I got comfortable with his Catholicism because there wasn’t any shutting me out- he made sure I felt welcome to participate in whatever I felt comfortable in. This actually got me curious and into RCIA to learn more, and the rest is history
Make sure you still do religious things with your wife- do a marriage encounter weekend (which is a non-denominational thing); pray together, etc etc. You need her to understand that just because you’re not LDS anymore doesn’t mean that you’re abandoning HER when it comes to faith.

Just because I haven’t seen this advice yet, I’d talk to your priest, or even someone in the Church that you trust (your sponsor, perhaps?).

And as for actually stopping, I would try to reason with her first, but if she holds her ground try compromising (only on Wednesdays and Fridays or something to that effect). Make sure she understands that this is important to you- ask her if she could swing it, would she attend the temple every day? Her answer will probably be yes. Tell her that you DO have the opportunity to worship God every day and it’s important to you that you do just that. I’d only concede if she makes it absolutely obvious that it’s a deal breaker for you two, and even then I’d tell her that it hurts you that she’s making you choose between her and God.

This person has been in your wife’s shoes, I would follow her advice. As I understand it your wife’s salvation in the Mormon church depends on you to a large extent (sealed in the temple, etc.) this must be a very difficult time for her. I would make sure that you pray with her in the evenings. Even though her understanding of our Heavenly Father is way off base, if you’re praying together it can only comfort her and strengthen your marriage.

 

[nevadairenaeus]

Man, I seriously wish we lived in the same city so we could hang out, I think we’d get along great. We’re going through some of the same struggles.

I say find a way to express to her how important daily Mass is to your spiritual health. Use all the Mormon analogies your seminary and Sunday School teachers used on you when you were a YM. Things she can understand. Is the parish you attend during the week OF or EF?

Its OF and it is done properly. On Fridays we do say some prayers in Latin before and after Mass.

 

[nevadairenaeus]

Dear OP, I posted my last response without having seen this post by you. You are in a very difficult situation. I would urge you to search for an ex-Mormon group here on CAF - I know there is at least one - and talk to those people for more specific support. From reading some of their past threads, I gather that splitting off from the LDS church is a very difficult thing, especially if your family stays in the church. Actually, the fact that you did convert against the wishes of your wife, speaks very well of you. I know that some forum members won’t understand that, but it is VERY difficult to get out of the LDS and I have read stories where people are shunned by their families and end up totally alone.

You should not stop going to Mass. You will need all of the grace of the Eucharist in order to continue despite your wife’s disapproval.

Like I said earlier, I understood that leaving the LDS church and becoming Catholic meant the real possibility of divorce. I had to make a choice of what is more important to me: God or my family. My wifes parents put enormous pressure on her to leave me. It was a horrible situation to be in. Those sayings of Jesus about loving Him more than our families and being willing to take up our cross and lose our lives have special meaning for me. I’ve read many stories of ex Mormons who have lost their families. Thankfully we are still together.

 

[maryjk]

I am pretty shocked at some of the posts here telling the OP to lie to his wife.

Could it be that she is upset simply because she feels that you have been lying to her? I agree, lying could very well be the first step in cheating. What in essence you have been saying to her, “you have no right to know where I am, what I am doing, and with whom I am doing it.” Sounds a little like someone cheating, doesn’t it.

She is very worried about the state of your soul. Sneaking around isn’t going to make her feel any better.

 

[Schieffelin]

Like I said earlier, I understood that leaving the LDS church and becoming Catholic meant the real possibility of divorce. I had to make a choice of what is more important to me: God or my family. My wifes parents put enormous pressure on her to leave me. It was a horrible situation to be in. Those sayings of Jesus about loving Him more than our families and being willing to take up our cross and lose our lives have special meaning for me. I’ve read many stories of ex Mormons who have lost their families. Thankfully we are still together.

So given that your marriage is already on the rocks, don’t you think you should be extra cautious about doing anything to make her more on edge right now? I would be devastated if my husband left our religion and started practicing another one. The fact that she decided to stay with you despite all the pressure to leave speaks highly of her. Give her a little space to be nervous and “controlling” until you two can put the trust back together.

God will honor your intentions to preserve your marriage and he will give you the graces you need. I don’t think you should stop going to daily mass forever, but I do think you should take pause and really make a patient and earnest effort to work this out with you wife. I really don’t think it’s OK to lie to her and sneak around her back even though she’s not being fair. It’s just going to make everything worse.