Wife has given up

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Tuc… I’m sorry… This is really sad.

I just realized that you are a Doctor???

I rememeber thinking Plastic Surgeon, and you said AZ. But then I figured you didn’t want to say what your profession is/was. And you work in private practice?

Do you have crazy hours???

I have some personal experience with this, that I’d rather not blab all over the internet. However, If that is right… I’m telling you… I feel even MORE confident that your wife is LONELY! And depressed! Especially since the kids don’t need her constant attention… and hence all the house projects. She’s making herself useful… looking for the nice in her life. I actually doubt there is anything sexual happening with these “friends”… I mean, it’s possible… but it’s totally possible, she is really just looking for attention. As humans we need it. Premies need it to survive. Without it, they will give up and die… We all know this.

This is a hunch… let us know. This is her call of utter desperation!!! I actually think she hasn’t filed divorce because you are confusing her. Had you NOT noticed in the last 6 months… she’d be gone by now. She would have dangled the men in your face (who I suspect are just friends… but adding a complicated variable to this), and NOT acted like you cared she might have realized that you truly didn’t. She’s ticked at you now… NOW you care!!! And that puts a wrench in her thought process… But she’s mad… and I think that’s why the crying… She risks making you happy, and going back to same old, same old… and LOSING the only friends she has/relates to.

I’m very sorry about your patient… may God’s Grace grant them peace and lack of pain in their transition to the afterlife!
 
I’m well aware that my wife is ticked at me. When will it end? Does it have to end in divorce? Does she not want to go to marriage counseling because then she would have to give a logical reason for continuing to be upset? I’m so tired of this.
 
tucdoc said:
I’m well aware that my wife is ticked at me. When will it end? Does it have to end in divorce? Does she not want to go to marriage counseling because then she would have to give a logical reason for continuing to be upset? I’m so tired of this.
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I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I repeat what a good priest told me. “Marriage is a strong Sacrament, not easily defeated”. I know you want this to work and won’t just give up, so I’ll offer prayers. That was the nice side of me. The not so nice side of me would kick the poop out of this guy just for the disrespect. But you are being civil and I understand. It’s a tough situation, but I’d tell this guy to scat quickly and be able to back it up, with a friend or two if needed. TCB.
 
tucdoc said:
I’m well aware that my wife is ticked at me. When will it end? Does it have to end in divorce? Does she not want to go to marriage counseling because then she would have to give a logical reason for continuing to be upset? I’m so tired of this.
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It would be unfortunate if she were avoiding because she thought she needed a rational reason. It’s perfectly okay to be irrational. Ideally, the irrational one(s) should own up to it quickly. Rational people sometimes cling to their rationality with irrational fervor, after all. Your reaction to her “friends” is at least somewhat irrational, too.

I renew my suggestion of retreats. A quick check in AZ finds this place.
 
tucdoc said:
Well, she may be narcissistic in that she doesn’t see anything wrong with her going to baseball games and dinners with her “friends” and doesn’t understand why it upsets me so. Either that or she has convinced herself that it is O.K. so that she doesn’t have to deal with the guilt.
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Narcissism is a different horse from garden-variety self-absorption and self-centeredness.

Fulton Sheen wrote a book titled, Lift Up Your Heart: A Guide to Spiritual Peace. I think we know what most “spiritual writers” would put into a book with that title. Do you know what his thesis is? The great barrier to peace is egotism and its blindness to the seven deadly sins, which he called “the pallbearers of of character.” In that book, he wrote:

Everyone else knows our faults and failings, but we can close our eyes to them. We are indignant when we hear ourselves accused, even though we have a sneaking suspicion that what we are told may be true. Our neighbors’ defects of character we carry before our eyes, but our own are carried out of sight in a sack on our backs. Every person can know himself, but often he knows everything except himself, and therefore he knows nothing. The artifices, the pretenses, the make-believe, the masks that others wear, all these we see through but we are blind to our own, to those we ourselves put on in order to deceive the world, if some dominant fault has dogged us.

Someone once said, I think, that most people are average but only the saints are normal. In other words, only the saints live according to the conduct typical of a well-adjusted human being. That conduct, the sanctified way of being, is the norm, and if you don’t meet the norm, you aren’t normal yet.

Your wife’s behavior is within the ordinary. If the onset of her change in behavior was sudden, she is probably having what is called “a midlife crisis.” In that case, she has been discontented for years, because for years she has sought everything except a truly “normal” life. In retrospect, she looks back on this unhappiness and constructs a story about what caused her unhappiness, one in which she is a victim and anyone who ever hurt her and everyone who stood in the way of her self-centered desires is a villain.

I have seen this temporary loss of sanity ruin a lot of marriages. Sometimes the person awakes rather quickly, and sometimes they lie to themselves for years, spreading misery behind them and emptying their accounts, both the financial kind and the emotional kind they had with their family and friends. I wish I could tell you how long hers is going to last, but I have no idea. I doubt that anyone does.

The only thing you can do is to find your dominant fault(s) and failings, and work on them.
 
TucDoc… I was going to say a Rosary last night… but time got away from me.

I will say one tonight… and offer the intentions that you’re wife can get out of her way to see if this marriage can work…

If someone would like to help me re-word these intensions… and perhaps join me tonight in spirit… And we can use the SAME intenstions…PLEASE DO!!!

I agree to start by 8:45 PM Pacific Standard Time!!!
 
faithfully said:
TucDoc… I was going to say a Rosary last night… but time got away from me.

I will say one tonight… and offer the intentions that you’re wife can get out of her way to see if this marriage can work…

If someone would like to help me re-word these intensions… and perhaps join me tonight in spirit… And we can use the SAME intenstions…PLEASE DO!!!

I agree to start by 8:45 PM Pacific Standard Time!!!
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I’ll join you.

Praying for tucdoc and family tonight 8:45 Pacific Standard Time.

And a little one now :signofcross::gopray2::signofcross:
 
Thank you all for praying for our marriage. I believe in the power of prayer, not necessarily to get what one wants, but to get what God intends.
 
Well, the one thing we’re taught is that God’s will is that marriages aren’t abandoned.

So, I think, we’re pretty safe to request that the grounds you’re working on for this marriage are improved enough so that you can make headway to an improved situation…
 
A positive development, she didn’t go to the concert last PM at the venue her “friend” runs. She admits that he would have been busy and likely not have spent much time with her. Nonetheless, she didn’t go because she knew it would upset me. I didn’t ask her if she was going. I just took the kids out to a cultural festival and then came home to watch a college football game. She let me watch it instead of insisting on switching to the Yankee game (this was also a positive thing). These are small steps, but I’m grateful for them. She still says she doesn’t love me, still blames me for being unhappy, and again brought up how I wasn’t with her when her mom died 6 years ago. She was supposed to see a lawyer this week, but said she didn’t know when. I don’t know if she is being elusive or if she changed her mind. I told her the name of my lawyer as he had advised that any divorce requests be sent directly to him.

I also told her that I realized I cannot control anybody but myself, and that I feel free will is a gift from God. So, if God allows for the consequences of free will, as hurtful as they might be, I also have to accept it, even if I don’t agree with it. That wasn’t to say that I’m O.K. with her wanting a divorce, but that if she doesn’t want to stay in the marriage, then I can’t force her to stay. I’ve tried as best I can, and I told her that is all I can do.
 
I saw on her calendar that she meets with a lawyer this Wednesday. I have been saying Hail Marys throughout the day to help me focus. I keep telling myself that my life will be different, but it is still a gift from God. My priest again said I cannot control her, only myself. Also, I remember the quote from Mother Teresa about being faithful and not necessarily successful. I’ve been true to my marriage vows, and I’ve tried to save my marriage. I could have done a better job as a husband, but I tried to change things when I realized they needed to be changed. God has forgiven me for my shortcomings, even if my wife hasn’t. I move forward with peace of mind.
 
One thing is finding out about my wife’s appt. with a lawyer in 2 days. It’s another that she just sent me a text about the appt. I’m back to being miserable. Peace of mind is so elusive. This may be the right thing for all of us. I told her that the kids need therapy now and that they will need more if we divorce. She claims she will be a better mother if she is not so upset with me not around, basically, out of my own home. Honestly, if she insists on keeping these “friends” then this may be the better option for us.
 
tucdoc said:
One thing is finding out about my wife’s appt. with a lawyer in 2 days. It’s another that she just sent me a text about the appt. I’m back to being miserable. Peace of mind is so elusive. This may be the right thing for all of us. I told her that the kids need therapy now and that they will need more if we divorce. She claims she will be a better mother if she is not so upset with me not around, basically, out of my own home. Honestly, if she insists on keeping these “friends” then this may be the better option for us.
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Be persistent. Keep up your prayer life. Don’t give up yet. Just be.
 
tucdoc said:
One thing is finding out about my wife’s appt. with a lawyer in 2 days. It’s another that she just sent me a text about the appt. I’m back to being miserable. Peace of mind is so elusive. This may be the right thing for all of us. I told her that the kids need therapy now and that they will need more if we divorce. She claims she will be a better mother if she is not so upset with me not around, basically, out of my own home. Honestly, if she insists on keeping these “friends” then this may be the better option for us.
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Is there a possibility that she will go for family therapy, instead of marital therapy? She may realize before it is too late that getting you out of the house is not going to be anything like a “net gain” for the kids, as this “better mother” nonsense suggests that she has told herself. If she finds that you are not an optional extra in the lives of your children, she may not be able to use the “better mother” rationalization to get you out of their lives.

She may also find from a family therapist that having other men in her life is the last thing that your children need during a divorce. Again, that may challenge the rationalizations she’s been selling to herself.

IOW, just because you “need to go” does not mean that the friends don’t also “need to go.” She may wind up with neither the cake, nor eating it, but just paying for it, if she wants to do what is best for anything other than her own desires. A family therapist may get that through to her when you can’t.
 
👍
EasterJoy said:
Is there a possibility that she will go for family therapy, instead of marital therapy? She may realize before it is too late that getting you out of the house is not going to be anything like a “net gain” for the kids, as this “better mother” nonsense suggests that she has told herself. If she finds that you are not an optional extra in the lives of your children, she may not be able to use the “better mother” rationalization to get you out of their lives.

She may also find from a family therapist that having other men in her life is the last thing that your children need during a divorce. Again, that may challenge the rationalizations she’s been selling to herself.

IOW, just because you “need to go” does not mean that the friends don’t also “need to go.” She may wind up with neither the cake, nor eating it, but just paying for it, if she wants to do what is best for anything other than her own desires. A family therapist may get that through to her when you can’t.
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👍 I can’t remember where I read it. But I KNOW I read it in just the last few days (here??) that some judges have been known to MAKE husbands and wives go to counceling and make a valid attempt before they (the judge) will grant a divorce. And often, not always, the people come back deciding not to go through with it. I’d start looking/praying for a judge that will go down this path… or a judge open to this suggestion coming from you or your lawyer… Should you make it this far… I don’t know how rational that suggestion is… just grasping at straws here…
 
It sounds to me like divorce really might be the best thing for all of you. I don’t think she wants things to work out, as tough as that is. Life is short; move on, and try to enjoy life again.
 
She saw her lawyer today. When she got home, she texted saying she needed a nap and if I could wake her 30 min before she had to pick up our son from school. When I called to wake her she said that her lawyer knows my lawyer (I had given her the name this AM before her meeting) and that we shouldn’t talk about this to anybody because we live in a “small town”.

She’s not said it outright, but from her tone I can tell she is going to file for divorce. I"M SO CRUSHED. I had hoped there was a chance, but I can’t see any now. I met with my priest this AM, at the same time she met with her lawyer. He said that this is the Valley of the Shadow of Death, but that there is light at the end of all of this. I FEEL SO LOST. PLEASE, EVERYBODY PRAY OF US AND OUR FAMILY. I FEEL HAVE I FAILED MY SON AND DAUGHTER. GOD, GIVE ME STRENGTH.
 
tucdoc said:
She saw her lawyer today. When she got home, she texted saying she needed a nap and if I could wake her 30 min before she had to pick up our son from school. When I called to wake her she said that her lawyer knows my lawyer (I had given her the name this AM before her meeting) and that we shouldn’t talk about this to anybody because we live in a “small town”.
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That may be standard legal advice. Check with your lawyer.
She’s not said it outright, but from her tone I can tell she is going to file for divorce. I"M SO CRUSHED. I had hoped there was a chance, but I can’t see any now. I met with my priest this AM, at the same time she met with her lawyer. He said that this is the Valley of the Shadow of Death, but that there is light at the end of all of this. I FEEL SO LOST. PLEASE, EVERYBODY PRAY OF US AND OUR FAMILY. I FEEL HAVE I FAILED MY SON AND DAUGHTER. GOD, GIVE ME STRENGTH.
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You haven’t failed so long as you persevere (that doesn’t mean “win”). The best thing you can do for them is to draw close to God. Also, fight for their rights throughout the ordeal.
 
I’m just getting in on the conversation here, so forgive me if these points have been made.

Your wife still needs you. She married you for a reason, though she may not remember that reason now. She is in PAIN.

Are you still PASSIONATELY in love with her? Do you really want to stay married? If so, she needs to know that.

I’ve seen a couple of posts here that pretty much say, “Be strong.” or “Don’t be a wimp.” As a woman, I can say that THIS is what a WOMAN really wants in her man. (You can do these things without being milquetoast).
  • We want emotional openness. Women usually have affairs because they are lacking an emotional connection with their spouse. How are you feeling now? Devastated? Like your life is ending? Angry that she’s putting you through this? Tell her! What do you have to lose? You don’t have to grovel. Just honestly look her in the eye, and tell her what she means to you. Tell her from your heart.
  • We want romance. Women want to be wooed. When my marriage had problems, my husband said (in Italian), “My heart would wither and die without you.” This sounds pretty corny, but it works! He also gave me a large bouquet of flowers. He’s an engineer, and not the touchy-feely type. This was a fantastic surprise, and won me over. I found it much easier to forgive him for being an insensitive jerk, when he could HUMBLE HIMSELF and be the loving and sensitive man that he is. It takes a STRONG man to truly humble himself.
  • Women want to be needed. Are you pretty self-sufficient and independent? Think of how you NEED your wife (or how it was when you were first married): for companionship, whatever. Tell her how miserable you’ll be without her.
  • Just like men, women want to be RIGHT. If you’re the type who always has to win and always has to be right, you’re in trouble. TELL HER YOU WERE WRONG AND THAT YOU’RE SORRY. So, she suffers from depression and anxiety, which makes her more sensitive. That’s not her fault. You have to be more gentle and sensitive with her, even though she has hurt you. This is REAL LOVE, like the sacrificial love that Jesus showed from the cross.
  • Women don’t want to be humiliated. She probably already feels terribly ashamed and guilty for how she feels, for having an inappropriate relationship with another guy, and for causing the kids stress. At this point, she probably feels like she can’t stay with you, because then you’ll win, and she’ll be putting herself in the emotionally vulnerable position of being hurt by you again. If she senses that you are either angry with or deeply disappointed with her, no wonder she’s ready to flee. If you can humble yourself so that SHE can save face and come back to you without feeling like a loser, then you’ve won BY MAKING HER FEEL like she has won.
  • Women want to be LOVED for who they ARE: emotions and all. God made our emotions for a reason. Try to accept how she feels. At this point, she probably feels like a total failure too, because NOBODY wants a divorce. This other guy makes her feel good about herself. Could it be that he accepts and affirms her, and you don’t? It won’t help if you’re self-righteous. She may feel that, at this point, even God doesn’t love her. This other man does, though, so she’s GOING WHERE SHE TRULY FEELS LOVED.
Try to win her back. If this other guy is “so nice”, you’d better be nicer! Say you’ll do ANYTHING to get her back. What do you have to lose? A little pride?

Thanks for listening!
 
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