Wife has given up

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tucdoc said:
The kids are here at my place playing with my Playstation 3 with a big bowl of potato chips in front of them (something my wife would never allow). I want them to feel at home here.
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That’s great. You’re having fun with them and being a dad!
My son had his Confirmation today. We joined another family for lunch and were all very cordial. Please pray for my son, that in addition to the Seven Gifts of the Holy Spirit he also receive peace of mind. I pray especially that the gift of Courage be strong in him, to help him get through this difficult and confusing time.
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Prayers.
 
Life is going on. The kids are getting used to my not being at the house, and I enjoy the times I get to see them. We spent Easter with my extended family. Several of my cousins are divorced, and all were encouraging me in moving forward while still showing my love to the kids. My wife is not handling this well. I’m no longer allowed in the house, and she didn’t even respond to my “Happy Easter” text. She want as much alimony as she can get for as long as she can get it. This will get ugly and expensive. I’m trying to focus on being fair and reasonable, not on being vindictive. She wanted out of the marriage, so she should not be so dependent on me, and she needs to be realistic about her lifestyle expectations.
 
Your wife is now entering into that big life lesson that we all seem to go through at least once, some of us repeatedly, which we all know from hard experience as “Be Careful What You Ask For.” As in parenting, the key to keeping your own cool is to expect all of the senselessness that comes when one goes through a period like this. Be the man she will be pleased to look back on when she arrives at a saner moment, but stand back and let her have what she asked for, not worrying that it is nothing like what she thought it would be. Let God take care of whether or not she ever comes out into sanity on the other side of this…all that stuff that the folks in Al-Anon have to remind themselves.

Listen intently to your attorney (you are the only one with the presence of mind to protect your family’s livelihood from utter dissipation), continue to be cordial to your wife and to give her the respect due to your life partner in parenting, and remind yourself over and over that someone other than you is going to have to see her through her implosion.

If by some chance your attorney gets you more than your share, you can always invest it for your wife’s old age. I predict that she may need it. Keep in mind that “Be Careful What You Ask For” very often goes through several iterations before the victim inflicting it on herself wakes up. Pin your hopes for her on the long run–the very long run–and perhaps the grace of meeting people that neither of you even know yet. Heaven knows she’ll not learn anything from you, though. Accept the peace of heart that comes from accepting that.

As for you, our faith is all about the transformative power of remaining faithful through those things we never asked for. Hang in there. God can use any set of rapids to make a saint out of us. Hold tight to God, and this could be one of yours.
 
Just found this. I"m really sorry for you. I have hope your kids will understand why you had to leave. I used to resent my mother for confronting my dad on his drinking problem. I thought she was to hard on him and that she caused to many fights. However I now realize she had to.I’m sure they will see the situation clearer when there older 🙂
 
Tucdoc,
I commend you for avoiding being vindictive, it closes out options for you down the road. And as I said before, decide who you are and don’t let this change you. I know it’s a struggle to stay true to yourself, but you seem to be managing. One day at a time.
(I spent the weekend at my ex-in laws with my kids, and my ex in laws invited my mom over as well. Kids had a great time and I think it helped them that both sides of their family can still get together with them.)

Are you able to call your kids each day? My kids really like hearing from their mom each night, they’re a little down on the rare night she doesn’t call. Sorry she isn’t letting you in there to at least visit the kids if they need you. Will she let you take them for dinner occasionally during the week? My ex brings dinner once a week and I make myself scarce, since I have the other 6 nights with them. It sounds like you’re doing the right things to make them comfortable in their home with you though. Making it more than a place to visit. God bless, you’re in may prayers.
 
We drafted a settlement agreement at the end of last month, which my wife is now not happy with. She basically wants more money, as a third of my salary is not enough for her. I refuse to give her more than what I’ve offered. She cannot continue the lifestyle she had when we were together. If she refuses to work, or to sell the 3600 sq ft house, then she has to cut back on her spending. We will have to have others make this decision for us, as much as that will cost, since we cannot agree.

I’ve gotten tremendous support from co-workers, family and friends. I feel that ultimately, reason will prevail.
 
tucdoc said:
We drafted a settlement agreement at the end of last month, which my wife is now not happy with. She basically wants more money, as a third of my salary is not enough for her. I refuse to give her more than what I’ve offered. She cannot continue the lifestyle she had when we were together. If she refuses to work, or to sell the 3600 sq ft house, then she has to cut back on her spending. We will have to have others make this decision for us, as much as that will cost, since we cannot agree.

I’ve gotten tremendous support from co-workers, family and friends. I feel that ultimately, reason will prevail.
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I’m happy you recognize all the support you have.

Can she really get more? What do the lawyers say?

How are the children? Have they stayed with you?

She’s finding out divorce is not all that it’s cracked up to be.
 
The kids are not doing well. They see their mom’s emotionally pleas (for more money) and are troubled by them. I feel I’m being emotionally blackmailed by her. When they are with me they can be disrespectful. I’m trying to enforce boundaries with them, something I did not do well with my wife. My son saw my therapist once, but I may need to get him (and probably my daughter) their own therapists.
 
tucdoc said:
The kids are not doing well. They see their mom’s emotionally pleas (for more money) and are troubled by them. I feel I’m being emotionally blackmailed by her. When they are with me they can be disrespectful. I’m trying to enforce boundaries with them, something I did not do well with my wife. My son saw my therapist once, but I may need to get him (and probably my daughter) their own therapists.
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Tucdoc,
Therapy for your kids is a good idea. They really need to be able to work out their issues and understand their place in this situation.
 
Isn’t there a line/codicile/paragraph/statement or something that says your agreement is not to be discussed with the children? My agreement did, no discussion of any sort about the terms of the agreement- custody/financial etc. with the kids.

I would discuss her bringing up terms of the agreement with your lawyer, and then you and your lawyer discuss this with her AND her lawyer. You need to stop that now or there will be a never ending stream of her telling the kids stuff that is between you two. I would also use this as justification for adding specific guidance on what is to be shared with the kids if it isn’t already covered.

Seriously. This dragging the kids into the adults’ business is going to be very damaging.

I have never told my daughter that I have full physical custody of her as part of the legal agreement. (As far as my kids know, mom has every other weekend time; my daughter being able to pick where she’s comfortable with her mom is just the arrangement we’re using on the advice of daughter’s therapist).

I agree with you, if she wanted to keep her current lifestyle, she shouldn’t be divorcing. If she doesn’t want the responsibilities of a marriage she shouldn’t be expecting the financial benefits of a marriage.
 
I know someone who is being hassled by her ex-husband due to ‘alienation of affection’. I don’t know enough to think if this is true or not. However, she was served legal papers, and it is a form of child abuse that is starting to get recognized by the legal system. Please google it - there’s a lot out there.

While I generally don’t think it’s a good idea to fire every weapon in one’s arsenal, it is good to take stock of what you have at your disposal. Perhaps a lawyer to lawyer comment might be enough to have her stop involving the kids.
 
tucdoc said:
The kids are not doing well. They see their mom’s emotionally pleas (for more money) and are troubled by them. I feel I’m being emotionally blackmailed by her. When they are with me they can be disrespectful. I’m trying to enforce boundaries with them, something I did not do well with my wife. My son saw my therapist once, but I may need to get him (and probably my daughter) their own therapists.
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Yes, it is a good idea for them to have adults to talk to who don’t have a dog in the fight. A good therapist knows how to listen and yet avoid the rocks. Make sure, too, that you let your children know you are willing to try to get them a private conversation with whatever adult they would like to talk to, no questions asked, as soon as you can after they ask.

Also remember that “testing boundaries” is something that kids do from time to time, but particularly when the family goes through a big change of any kind, positive or negative. It’s an unconscious thing most of the time, but they’re looking for whether the new building has walls, and what kind of walls those are. Walls that are both disciplined and kind, both firm and calm, are what will help them to settle down. Expect the testing, don’t give into frustration over the inevitable, but rather patiently teach where the boundaries are now. If you are calm about teaching it, they will accept the “new normal” more quickly, because they will see you have chosen to be comfortable and amiable within it. That means you have faith in the walls. If you’re not calm, they may take your impatience as a sign that you may be insecure about the soundness of the structure. It will keep the tests coming for longer.

In other words: Establish yourself and your rules as a safe harbor, a firm foundation, and a good thing, even when they chafe at the limits. Likewise, treat your wife’s tantrums as you would an irate customer or patient (we all know about the “customer service” aspect in medicine now!) turning away inappropriate demands with polite firmness and grace, without feeling a need to argue. “I’m sorry you feel that way, I’m sorry we talked and yet still feel differently about what is fair, but we had our negotiations, and these are the limits we came to.” (And the man at the complaint window says…NEXT!)
 
styrgwillidar said:
Isn’t there a line/codicile/paragraph/statement or something that says your agreement is not to be discussed with the children? My agreement did, no discussion of any sort about the terms of the agreement- custody/financial etc. with the kids.
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Consistent failure to get any but a firm and calm response out of him might do the trick. (Not that the failure won’t ramp up her efforts initially, since she’ll find it intensely frustrating.)

If he is consistently calm and kind, both to his wife’s face and behind her back, and only expresses a sad regret that things haven’t calmed down yet with her when he’s forced to say anything at all to the kids on the subject, the kids will get the right message. If he says of falsehoods she tells the kids, “That is not true, but your mother is having a hard time getting through this divorce. Let’s just let that go because she is still the mother of the greatest kids I know, OK?”, then the kids will see his choice to show respect for her as what it is: an act of love for them.
 
Easterjoy,

I think your approach is the one I would have taken. However, it only works for those comments he’s aware of, not those she may be making behind his back. And the kids won’t necessarily talk to him about everything. They do tend to compartmentalize and filter what they tell each parent.

I do think this needs to be addressed with her, it is bad for the kids and it is an easy habit to fall into. She may truly be thinking she’s just stating facts without realizing they’re opinions based on her view. That is, she truly thinks she’s stating a fact to her kids to explain their situation when she says, “Your Dad is refusing to give us enough money to keep us in our house”.

ETA: Tucdoc, I also agree with Easterjoy about getting the kids around other adults they may be more willing to talk to, not just therapists, like relatives from either side of the family. I made the effort to keep visiting the ex-in laws, as a result my eldest has been talking to my ex MIL a lot, telling her stuff she doesn’t want to talk to either myself or my ex about. My MIL knows that if my daughter brings up anything my MIL thinks I should know, to tell my daughter to bring it to me vice breaking any confidences.
 
Tucdoc, I am so sorry to read this. I hope you have the opportunity to enjoy your children over Memorial Day.

This is one of these situations where I don’t understand why someone wants to inflict such sadness on their children. However, it is happening, so I wanted to give you encouragement.

There’s a type of therapy called cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT. This type has a proven track record of being effective. I just don’t want to see you be taken advantage of any more. I can elaborate if you like.

Prayers for you today.
 
tucdoc said:
The kids are not doing well. They see their mom’s emotionally pleas (for more money) and are troubled by them. I feel I’m being emotionally blackmailed by her. When they are with me they can be disrespectful. I’m trying to enforce boundaries with them, something I did not do well with my wife. My son saw my therapist once, but I may need to get him (and probably my daughter) their own therapists.
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I will refrain from extended comment for now and continue praying while simply saying this was entirely predictable.😦
 
An update on our situation. My wife did not agree with the draft agreement we made with the mediator, so now my lawyer is trying to get a settlement conference arranged with a judge mediator in addition to the four of us (us and our lawyers). We would all prefer to settle this than go to court. I don’t know how reasonable my wife is going to be, insisting on a large alimony payment and keeping the house. At least we got the Parenting Plan done. The kids were with me this weekend. I insist we go to Mass every Sunday, despite their protests. I’m trying not to be just the “fun parent”. Yes we have gone on outings, but I’ve also had them do chores in my place, and paid them for it.

This has been incredibly stressful, the worst year of my life. This divorce has been emotionally devastating, as well as a huge financial blow. So much for early retirement. The kids will have to pay for part of their college (maybe not a bad thing). My wife wanted to go to the All-Star Game tomorrow and have me buy her a new car (now that hers hit 100K miles). That’s not going to happen.

Maybe this is all for the best, a way for all of us, including the kids, to get out of this materialism trap. I read Victor Frankl’s Man Search For Meaning. I feel my present meaning comes from being responsible in how I handle this very difficult situation. I’ve relied on Chrisitian principles, even forgiving my wife for what she has done to all of us. I recall in the parable of the Prodigal Son that the father did not go into the pigstye to rescue his son or coax him to come home. The son had to make the decision for himself. Even as we slowly move forward on the divorce, I still hope my wife decides to come back to the marriage. Please keep praying for us.
 
Praying hard for you. You have been tested and refined. I’ll keep your wife in my prayers as well.

Bless you and your family.
 
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