Wife is OBESE

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MushroomMan said:
Then she should care about herself and the fact that our kids have been teased because their mom is so big and people often say things like “Wide Load!” when she goes out.
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Let me get this straight: You found out that people were making cruel personal remarks about your wife in front of your children, and you blame her for that? Do you mean to say that when your children hear other people making cruel remarks, particularly about their mother, they don’t already know that the problem is the big-mouthed idiots, and not the butt of those idiots’ jokes?

What if one of your children were making remarks like that about a classmate? Would you think it was the classmate’s fault that you have insensitive children with no manners? Maybe the reason the child was being ridiculed was not because the child was overweight, but because you failed to raise civilized children who were considerate of the feelings of others?

Your wife could get down to size 2, and your family would still have some serious issues.
 
yellowbird said:
Seriously? You SERIOUSLY think living with a drunk and living with someone who is obsese is the similar?

Have you ever lived with a drunk? Were you a child who had to lock yourself in your room and hide in a closet because the drunk you lived with is off on a rampage again? Were your friends afraid to come to your house because the drunk would insult and yell obsenities at them? Did the the drunk you lived with break things and throw things at you? Did the drunk know to never hit you in the face because then people would know so instead he hit your body? Did the drunk you lived with cry and beg forgiveness, swear to never to drink again, only to get drunk again, and again, and again, and again.

If so, then yeah… you know it’s the SAME exact thing as living with someone who doesn’t care to excercise and eats junk food… :rolleyes:

Dumbest comparison ever.
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My experience living with a drunk showed some similarities to the obese wife. Some…not all.

Depression
Self loathing
Hopelessness
Dininished standing in the eyes of spouse
Fear of change
Watching someone you vowed to love destroying themselves

Not all drunks are violent abusive fear machines. Sorry you experienced one.
 
Armor_of_Light said:
To MushroomMan:
**
Suck it up. Be patient. This is the ‘for worse’ part**. Keep yourself in good shape and don’t make a big deal out of it. Having you acting as a kind of mirror for what you want your wife to be again is de-moralizing to your wife. Its like rubbing salt in the wound, so keep it to yourself as much as you can. Your actions and words in dealing with this CAN help, but will for sure hurt (and hurt forever) if they are the wrong actions and words. Apologize to her for any real or imagined hurt, and do it right away.

I feel your pain, brother. To all the harsh responders…it is real pain. Don’t just sweep this dude under the rug because of the blunt feelings.

I’ll pray for you!
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You gotta be kidding. This is most certainly NOT “the for worse part!” Try having a kid with cancer. How about a car accident and your spouse loses a leg, or has brain damage, or DIES? One of the kids ends up drug addicted, or gets pregnant and has an abortion. Someone comes out as homosexual. I could go on and on and on.

A few pounds extra in the course of a life is not “the for worse part!” Unless of course, you are a totally shallow person consumed with appearances with a certain standard to maintain, and you truly care less about your spouse’s inside than you do about her appearance.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
You gotta be kidding. This is most certainly NOT “the for worse part!” Try having a kid with cancer. How about a car accident and your spouse loses a leg, or has brain damage, or DIES? One of the kids ends up drug addicted, or gets pregnant and has an abortion. Someone comes out as homosexual. I could go on and on and on.

A few pounds extra in the course of a life is not “the for worse part!” Unless of course, you are a totally shallow person consumed with appearances with a certain standard to maintain, and you truly care less about your spouse’s inside than you do about her appearance.
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Well…maybe it is to him. If none of the ‘worse-er’ scenarios you described have not happened, then this is a real crisis for him.
 
Armor_of_Light said:
Well…maybe it is to him. If none of the ‘worse-er’ scenarios you described have not happened, then this is a real crisis for him.
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This is worth remembering. He came here because he doesn’t know how to face this difficulty. He is being insensitive, but it is certainly possible that he is not knowingly being insensitive. He is placing blame where it will only do harm, but he may not realize that.

His mental beating-up on her won’t be fixed by beating up on him. She needs to have a positive outlook in order to make positive changes, and perhaps he does, too.

Having said that, the habit of seeing your partner in a negative, critical light will ruin a marriage, according to relationship researchers. If you don’t make it your habit to dwell on your partner’s positives and make your complaints in a constructive way that aren’t going to be taken as a personal attack, it can lead you straight to divorce.

IOW: If the OP is not careful about how he relates to his wife, he may find that he is the one being served with the divorce papers. He can’t console himself with the thought that his negativity and critical attitude is something he’s been hiding from her. She may decide she’s had enough of his rejecting attitude, and that will be that.
 
Armor_of_Light said:
Well…maybe it is to him. If none of the ‘worse-er’ scenarios you described have not happened, then this is a real crisis for him.
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None of those things have happened to me, either, but I can tell the difference between my tiny daily gripes and something TRULY “worse” in the course of daily life. There is a world of difference between some gained weight and true crises in anyone’s life. I mean seriously. If this is the worst that ever happens to them, he should get down on his knees and kiss his wife’s chubby toes every night.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
None of those things have happened to me, either, but I can tell the difference between my tiny daily gripes and something TRULY “worse” in the course of daily life. There is a world of difference between some gained weight and true crises in anyone’s life. I mean seriously. If this is the worst that ever happens to them, he should get down on his knees and kiss his wife’s chubby toes every night.
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I agree, but I wasn’t always in a place emotionally or spiritually to see it. Maybe he is in a darker place as well. Watching the destruction of someone you love as well as being involved in some way with that destruction is real pain. They need our prayers.
 
Somewhere upthread, the OP said he just wanted his wife to be average. Elsewhere, he said he wanted her to be 120 pounds, just like the good old days. I have some bad news–the average 40-year-old American woman does not weigh 120 pounds. Furthermore, there are lots of fat younger women these days.

I’m a big girl, in fact rather bigger than the OP’s wife (currently around 220). I got here via 1) 15 pounds a year gained during graduate study (good thing I left after my MA!) 2) toddler years eating. In both cases, it was largely a question of eating to stay awake and energetic so I could do my school work and keep kids safe. One of the better (!) things to happen to me was that during my last pregnancy I got gestational diabetes. I did four blood tests a day and maintained a very strict low carb diet for three months. I was hungry much of the time and had very low energy (pretty much the only thing I did was stick to my diet), but by a month or so after delivery, I was 20 pounds lighter than when I started my pregnancy (I had started the pregnancy at 240 pounds). (And postpartum, I’d shifted back to a “normal” diet.) I would like to eventually lose more weight, but just not gaining weight is a victory, too.

How about getting your wife to a nutritionist and working out a menu for her of stuff she actually likes? One of the changes I’ve made to my personal diet is to try for a salad for lunch every day and to keep the ingredients for that at home (baby spinach, cooked chicken, nuts, sprouts, avocado, etc.). She’s not going to budge, though, if you are making this into a control thing, if you show that you are embarrassed by her, if you judge her, or if it’s clear that your love is conditional.
 
I was not going to comment but after seeing the OP’s last post I have to say something. You sir need some serious help learning what love is. Let me tell you something about your children and what will influence them and how they view their mom…

My mom was overweight too, seriously so, in her 60s and 70s. My dad sounded just like you. Said very similar things, I’m sure all justified in his head. Guess what? Kids pick up on those attitudes from their parents. My dad disrepsected my mom just like you do your wife. Sure, it can all be sugarcoated with she’s not healthy, not taking care of herself, whatever. We kids learned that woman have value because of their looks. Period. My dad stopped respecting my mom when she gained weight.

One of my worst memories is waking up hearing them argue over her weight. “Do you think I’m attracted to you looking like that?” What a horrible horrible thing to say to someone! Or think, which you clearly do.

I am really really angry reading what you wrote. You are influencing your kids by your attitude. God help your daughters if you have any. Do you want them to grow up thinking they matter to men only if they are attractive?! That is what you are teaching them. I will stop before I get even angrier.

Seriously, if you care about your kids, adjust your attitude.
 
MushroomMan said:
Then she should care about herself and the fact that our kids have been teased because their mom is so big and people often say things like “Wide Load!” when she goes out.
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Well, please consider that you did say that she has manicures and has her hair done. And, you’ve already said that she dresses in lingerie to try to please you. So, it does sound to me like she’s taking care of her appearance – it’s just that you seem to want to try to control her appearance to be the way you want her to be (thin).

Also, it’s really not normal for a husband to obsess so much about his wife’s weight. I bet most of the husbands on this thread don’t know their wife’s current weight or dress size, much less the weight or dress size she was when they were married. I really doubt that most men pay any attention to what clothing stores their wife shops at, and whether they are plus size stores or not. I really think your attitudes and focus on weight are a big part of your problem.

Finally, this last message from you really took my breath away. The primary person to be hurt by a comment like that is your wife, not your kids. You should be defending your wife here, not blaming her for being the butt of such cruel comments.
 
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Elizabeth:
The two of you need marriage counseling. That is the only loving thing and reasonable The gym and diets aside, the aging process marches on against time, even for those with abundant discipline and money, and is a universal absolute, progressing eventually toward death. Wait: I guess you have no Love Handles :o. You must have Washboard Abs.

A little more on the differences between men and women. Genetically, men are not nearly as prone to the “sag” effect of weight gain, and gain more easily restore a look of muscle and tightness because of their hormones and skin cell makeup which are programmed for tightness, as long as men don’t completely let themselves go. There’s a reason for that: it’s evolutionary. Males have needed physical strength for the physical tasks associated with hunting, building, defending, and more; therefore, God designed their bodies in a certain way. Women, even rich, famous women, will generally have a tendency toward softness of body, which also fits with an evolutionary role aligned with nurturing, cuddling, and a life mostly “meant” to be lived indoors.

So for you to compare you supposed workouts, and what they do for you, with what you probably expect the same would do for her (and in the same length of time) is not very realistic, biologically. The only women I’ve seen who are able to achieve that have bodies unlike most women, and/or are obsessed to the point of body-building with that muscle-sinewy effect that every sexy man I’ve ever met despises and finds a turn-off. Most men do not want women whose bodies resemble men’s. But women who resemble women will develop cellulite. Deal with it, sir.
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MushroomMan:
Hey I don’t need her to be a body builder, a fake plastic celebrity or anorexic. I’d be happy if she just looked average and could shop in the regular stores. I don’t need a size 2 wife, I’d be happy with a ten at this point. I’m not a monster who demands perfection or who doesn’t understand aging obviously we will never be 20 again. Crows feet, greys, a little gravity sag I get that totally
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You don’t get it “totally” if you assume that even a small-framed woman, after several children and approaching age 40, will, even with great effort, become a size 10. Not going to happen, sir. Before I had children, I was a size 2, and the photographs, pre-motherhood, prove it, as do some clothes still in my closet which even my skinny daughters could not wear. I did not “let myself go.” I did not fail to exercise. In fact, I sought out a Fitness Club with in-house babysitting, and was a member for quite some time. I’m not like the way you describe your wife (if it’s accurate, which we don’t know), but it is very doubtful that I will be a 2 or even a 6 again. When a woman has even one child, let alone more, the muscles–not just the rest of her-- change. Part of that is to acommodate to breastfeeding. The back muscles grow and never fully retract. They do so to accommodate larger breasts. For the great majority of women, pregnancy and childbirth produce some permanent bodily changes. For a minority of women, they “bounce back” and return to their former selves. Those tend to be the women who have always had a lanky look, which tends not to be true of short women, even those with small frames.

I’m fortunate to still have my shape, but many women lose both their lighter weight and their shape as they age.

It’s not just lifestyles, by the way. Hormones change over time; women can lose thyroid, develop various different balances among hormones which exacerbate the weight-loss effort. Those same changes do not necessarily happen to men. So it’s clear to me from all your posts that your knowledge of male vs. female physiology is considerably lacking. Now, as to this:
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MushroomMan:
its the appearance of not giving a hoot that makes me sad
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Again, that is why you need marriage counseling. You’re hurt because of what appears to you as a lack of care/consideration on her part. That needs to be dealt with by means of a professional Third Party. I wonder if you’ve sat with her and told her your feelings about her “lack of care.” (Rather than what you assume are her feelings about her body, which, as others have pointed out, may be just as negative as yours are, perhaps more so.) It’s time you sit with her and tell her that your marriage is in serious trouble, because you don’t want to go on this way with conflicted feelings, and that only a marriage counselor can help both of you. If you present it as her problem, naturally she will be defensive. It is not “her” problem. It is your and her problem, together.
 
yellowbird said:
Maybe she just feels impressing you isn’t worth the effort? :rolleyes:
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MushroomMan said:
Then she should care about herself and the fact that our kids have been teased because their mom is so big and people often say things like “Wide Load!” when she goes out.
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I believe these things may be it exactly.

Why should she work hard to impress someone that is obviously so down on her? She may have indeed given up and has really low self esteem from all the teasing and put-downs. You are probably right, she doesn’t care. And she doesn’t care because she feels hopeless. And who wouldn’t feel hopeless with someone nagging at her, putting her down and acting like they are owed a thin wife because of all he allows her to do, and all the free time he gives her? :rolleyes:

OP, do you really not see the part you play in all of this? :eek:
 
Well honestly what should I do when she hits me up for lovemaking? I am not wanting to be vulgar but with her size, things dont fit like nature intented and there are a lot of adjustments needed to access the proper areas and honestly half the time I cringe in the dark. I am 100% not attracted to obese women and I like my wife as a person and friend but as a lover not at all. Its gross to me and I just can’t even be aroused half the time. I feel like it is like plugging my nose and jumping into ice water - everything tells me I DONT WANT TO DO THIS but sometimes I can force myself after maybe 4 beers.
 
I find this poster offensive and a complete jerk. He only loves his wife for her body, nothing more. Now that the human condition has progressed, his true colors show. He doesn’t love her as a person. So, he is going to bail out…I will stop right there. This guy is no true Catholic gentlemen, and what women would want to be married to him had she know this about him in the first place. She might have a eating disorder cause she feels unloved while he is out at the gym.
 
My mom was always at least about 60 pounds overweight my entire life. She had 6 kids and that is just what happened. She eventually developed type 2 diabetes and lost 100lbs. The most amazing thing is that my dad loved her the entire time. Whether she was fat or thin he gave her unconditional love. I think that is the love that Christ gives us . My husband drinks alcohol and I don’t like it. But who am I to judge him, I have so many faults. Bugging him about it will do nothing. Our culture is possessed with perfection and humans are not perfect, only God is.
 
Bro… bro… BRO

When you’ve got a bunch of bites on the line, you don’t toss a stick of dynamite in the water! If you’re going to bottom feed, at least be good at it.

The reason I even chimed in is that A) I was giving you the benefit of the doubt and B) I think there is half a point here worthy of discussion.

We should all value one another as people because we’re all God’s children. Life is going to happen and it’s going to weather our appearance. But there is nothing wrong with a man feeling down or even a tad insulted that his wife appears and again I said appears to not care about her health or her level of attractiveness to her husband. It would be the same thing if a handy husband suddenly stopped fixing things around the house, especially when he knows that his wife adores the fact that he’s good with his hands.

It’s hurtful and it feels like basically one person is taking the love and attraction for granted. You can’t go around using extremely hurtful language towards your spouse no matter what, but ladies… looks matter. They do! Men are quite aware that most of you aren’t supermodels. Most of us aren’t either. It’s the effort that counts. Looks are not the be all and end all. Far from it. But making the effort to be more attractive spiritually and yes, physically, matters.

In a real situation, as opposed to this troll, I’d concur with the poster who counseled the use of a third party. The lines of communication are getting crossed up here. Likely a husband in this situation would first be fine with the weight gain, then mildly annoyed, then try to “fix it” and then get really mad when the fix failed and then eventually become resentful and agitated at any other effort made to be attractive outside of losing the weight. It’s a bad cycle.
 
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