Wife is OBESE

[Regina_Love]

Unfortunately, I’d have to agree with your husband. If you weigh 100lbs and you are only 5 inches tall, that is definitely not good…



Sorry…couldn’t help it…

 

[jimmy]

I get it now. Youre not married. Thats probably why youre placing a woman’s exterior qualities in such high priority. Because youre in a “courting” mindset and thats the first thing you see. I get it. But, your situation is not the same as the OPs. The OP has been married for years. Kids, bills, the whole thing. Charity and maturity towards his wife are expected of him.

It’s part of the whole. This thread is concerned with physical appearance, so that is what I am discussing here. Its not everything, but it is part of life. And I understand that you have to get beyond the physical. I am not suggesting that divorce is an option. But we are still human.

Yes, my situation is different.

 

[Regina_Love]

At the same time, many of the responses say that he should just ignore that she has become obese. He is automatically assumed to be wrong because he wants his wife to be attractive to him, or at least put forth the effort to be attractive. In other words, he should be sensitive to her emotions? But there is no necessity for her to be sensitive to his emotions. Hers are good (or at least we should be sympathetic to them), his are evil and we should condemn them. There is a problem with this way of thinking.

exactly

 

[jimmy]

Right - she should make an effort to stay healthy and 100lbs. overweight is not healthy. And if she were posting, I could encourage her to do that.

But she isn’t posting - he is. So what’s your advice for HIM? What’s your advice for the guy who calls his wife names, and says she disgusts him to the extent that he can only have sex with her after 4 beers, and even then he still hates it? He is the one who asked for advice… what do you tell him?

I would tell him that he shouldn’t talk about his wife in a public forum in that way. Loyalty is important.

I wouldn’t imply that he should accept her obesity as just a fact of life though. That isn’t realistic.

 

[yellowbird]

I would tell him that he shouldn’t talk about his wife in a public forum in that way. Loyalty is important.

I wouldn’t imply that he should accept her obesity as just a fact of life though. That isn’t realistic.

OK, so he doesn’t accept it. What does that mean in practical terms? What does “not accepting it” look like?

He doesn’t have to like it - but I think he does have to accept it. Because if she doesn’t want to change, there is nothing he can do about it. Marriage is like that… I’ve been at it for 21+ years and there have been all sorts of things I didn’t necessarily like - but I had to accept and let go for the sake of peace in our home. It really is for better or for worse…

And maybe by him letting go… she will want to change?

 

[jimmy]

OK, so he doesn’t accept it. What does that mean in practical terms? What does “not accepting it” look like?

I don’t know how he should deal with it, and I never claimed I did. But the fact is that love is an emotion as well as a decision, and that emotion is at least partly based on physical appearance. You guys want to ignore it. He should pretend that she is just as attractive. He is wrong to be unattracted.

 

[yellowbird]

I don’t know how he should deal with it, and I never claimed I did. But the fact is that love is an emotion as well as a decision, and that emotion is at least partly based on physical appearance. You guys want to ignore it. He should pretend that she is just as attractive. He is wrong to be unattracted.

I edited my post - after you posted this.

I don’t think he is wrong to not be attracted to her. I get that. I found it impossible to sympathize with him because he was being so cruel and disrespectful toward the mother of his children. If that’s how he talks about her on a public forum, I can only imagine what he says in the privacy of their home. I am sad for her.

I would also like to add that after being married a number of years, love is more of a decision than an emotion. It’s a deeper love - but I’d say it has little to do with the exterior because looks fade - we all grow old and saggy and gray, and in my husband’s case - bald. But we still love.

 

[jimmy]

I edited my post - after you posted this.

I don’t think he is wrong to not be attracted to her. I get that. I found it impossible to sympathize with him because he was being so cruel and disrespectful toward the mother of his children. If that’s how he talks about her on a public forum, I can only imagine what he says in the privacy of their home. I am sad for her.

I agree completely.

And I don’t get this statement ‘the mother of his children’. Everyone uses it, but it’s pointless. She’s his wife and he just shouldn’t talk about her like that. You don’t need to bring in the children to find a connection between them. I wouldn’t talk about anyone I care about like he talks about his wife.

You keep editing your posts and I’m missing parts. I understand what you mean about getting past the physical. We all grow old and our looks fade. My main issue with the wife is her utter lack of care or effort.

 

[Tietjen]

You can interpret it as a man who has a genuine issue he wants to discuss. Perhaps he has expressed himself badly, but perhaps his poor language is an expression of his frustration. Perhaps he has some underlying issues that he needs to work on himself (don’t we all?); as others have pointed out, we can only change ourselves in the end and not others. But he is a man who is frustrated and sad at the situation that has developed and has come here to seek help and advice from fellow Catholics.

This interpretation is far more favourable than either option that you offered.

Well, I respect that you and I see things differently. I’ve been here long enough to recognize a troll when I see one however. If it helps you to see the signs and attribute them to his frustration so that you can attempt to “help,” then truly your intentions are good.

As others have said, even if he’s trolling, the issue is an important one to discuss. Weight and health are difficult issues in the modern world, where people tend to eat more than they need and exercise less than they need. I’ve been a bit overweight at times and have worked hard to get healthy again. And it is hard work. If someone is 5’2’’ (or whatever the OP said his wife is) and ~200lbs, that’s quite severely overweight. It’s not merely an aesthetic issue, it’s a serious health issue.

Thank you for that. Perhaps if the OP hadn’t created this thread, I would remain ignorant of the obesity issues facing people today. But now that we have a thread about it, perhaps we at last will conquer the problem.

If he’s trolling, we have lost nothing in having this discussion anyway. If he’s not trolling, then some people in this thread have been less than charitable in their accusations and assumptions.

And apparently that would be me because I see things for what they are. In my world, people don’t fart butterflies and birds don’t whistle Walt Disney tunes. When truth becomes uncharitable in a thread, it’s time for me to move along. You stay here and “help” this “man” get past his selfishly mean wife. I have better things to do.

 

[Nikazu]

Then she should care about herself and the fact that our kids have been teased because their mom is so big and people often say things like “Wide Load!” when she goes out.

My friend, I feel for you. I am in a similar boat, insofar as my wife’s weight has become a problem for me. There’s nothing I can do about it: she just won’t listen. When I talk to people about this, some (mostly women) become offended and tell me to suck it up. Okay…

If I had become a drunk or a cheater or insanely obese, they wouldn’t be saying that to her.

So, I feel for you. I can’t offer you anything more than my empathy though, as we all know that we’re pretty much stuck w/ our spouses even when they start to act in an inappropriate manner. That’s the downside to marriage though, and, prayers and sticktoitiveness in this situation, I’m sure, will be rewarded by God at the end.

 

[Chantal25]

Sorry i didn’t read any replies, so my apologies if i repeat with anyone.

I can understand where you coming from but you can also raise above it and sees your situation from God’s perspective and pray to have compassion for your wife versus judgement.

I cannot speak for all women and but many if their emotional needs aren’t meant, they will seek for something external to fill this void. Sadly food, is quite dominant to use to cope.

Try to help her emotional to be happy and pray for her so she experience God fully in her heart. Jesus is our happiness.

As for addiction to food. there are so many product out there that are extremely dangerous and highly addictive. Except for whole fruits that are so needed by your body and they are whole, balance and complete but FRUCTOSE, use as an isolate, will be worst then cocaine and generate severe addiction. MSG, many preservative, white flour and white sugar and so many substance used to make people consume their product more.

Many that ate those food, will get severely hook. Food give the illusion of comfort and also could trigger happy memory with family/friend.

Learn to love your wife from her soul and all the reason that you loved her before her physical condition became an issue. Love her as she is. She isn’t a property, neither a simple body for pleasure but a soul and daughter of God. Now she is the mother of your children

Pray, as much you can and seek for Guidance from God. If your wife emotional needs are meant, she won’t be as incline to seek them through food. Go for walk in nature with her, help her in all ways you can.

Blessings to you and your family
All the best!

 

[Skye_Ariel]

Even if the OP is trolling, the subject is still good. There’s a story on TODAY this morning about what happens when one spouse gains weight, so it’s an issue that happens all the time.

I was thin and fit when my husband and I married. Within five years, I gained over 50 pounds, and by the time we had been married 25 years, I was at least a hundred pounds heavier than I was when we were first married.

Thankfully, my husband never stopped seeing me as attractive, and I think this helped me eventually get to a place where I was ready to start working on the weight issue. I’ve lost about 80 pounds over three years, and sadly have gained about 20 of it back since November when my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. (I’ve gained it back due o a combination of turning to food for comfort, of being too busy driving out to see and help my dad to be home to shop, cook, and clean up “healthy” foods, and no longer having the early morning or any after-work hours available for exercise. I’m not worrying about it at this time–I’m just trying to hold on and not gain any more, and eat healthily at least 50% or more of the time.)

What I can tell the OP is that his wife will only lose weight when SHE is ready, and this is a complex process that may take years, so dig in for the long haul and do not expect overnight miracles or successes. It’s a battle, a very hard battle.

I urge the OP and anyone else interested in this issue to watch The Biggest Loser on TV and carefully observe the following: even when EVERYTHING is arranged to facilitate weight loss–the person is not working at a job, is not at home with family, is not expected to “do” anything except exercise and eat right, is given ALL the healthy food free of charge, is taught by expert chefs how to prepare that healthy food into appealing and tasty meals, is given 24 hour a day access to a state of the art gym and has some of the best fitness trainers in the world, has access to 24 hour a day medical care, plus has the prize of a quarter of a million dollars possible–

–even given ALL these wonderful amenities–there are still contestants who DO NOT LOSE WEIGHT.

It’s sobering, and should tell the medical professionals as well as all the rest of us that WEIGHT LOSS IS NOT NOT NOT EASY!!!

There was a thread a few months ago in which a CAF member argued that conditions like alcoholism, overeating, etc. are not diseases. Well, maybe so and maybe not. All I know is that SOMETHING is wrong when a human being gets so heavy that their legs swell and turn red and start leaking fluid, and when their thighs rub together and bleed, and when they can’t walk across a room without wheezing. This is not just “being a beast.” Something, something is wrong up in the brain. We don’t know what that something is yet. All too often, the ones who are insisting that nothing is wrong and that the fattie just has to “do it” are the ones who have never been seriously overweight and have no idea what the overweight person is experiencing.

Also, there was a thread in which a CAF member had no idea of the extent to which many Americans eat sweets and salts. This member thought of these foods as occasional treats. They didn’t realize that many of us would and do eat sweets and salts at every meal, in between meals, and all evening long. Again, there is something wrong, and it’s not just “being a beast.”

Sorry that I can’t be more uplifting. It’s a tough, tough issue.

Very good post! Yes HFCS is poison it’s the main ingredient in just about everything even things that don’t need sugar and shouldn’t have sugar. Soda is the worst! I have completely stopped drinking soda, you would be surprised how many people drink up a day’s worth of calories just in sugary drinks. Drinking water just plain water is the best thing you can do for your body! I love The Biggest Loser and I love to see the people’s transformations, it’s pretty cool. They come out looking like completely different people. But eating junk food and processed food is a waste, it’s all poison. Eating healthy and fresh food is what our bodies need. That and activity, our bodies need to move, stay active.

 

[bunnykisses88]

wow, my husband and I are both obese and always were sooo we find each other very sexy.
I feel for ya both. I don’t have any advice because I would honestly love my husband at any weight. I married his sweet self not just him at a certain weight.
haha geeze it is not physically impossible I’ll tell you that…I’m pregnant with my second. : )

 

[bunnykisses88]

Very good post! Yes HFCS is poison it’s the main ingredient in just about everything even things that don’t need sugar and shouldn’t have sugar. Soda is the worst! I have completely stopped drinking soda, you would be surprised how many people drink up a day’s worth of calories just in sugary drinks. Drinking water just plain water is the best thing you can do for your body! I love The Biggest Loser and I love to see the people’s transformations, it’s pretty cool. They come out looking like completely different people. But eating junk food and processed food is a waste, it’s all poison. Eating healthy and fresh food is what our bodies need. That and activity, our bodies need to move, stay active.

I know! it is in so many things! yuck!

I know I need to stick with water…

now I know more and more but it is still so hard for me to do better.

 

[VivienneJ]

Here we have two deeply unhappy people.

MushroomMan is in pain, rightly or wrongly, his very blunt words may well indicate the depth of his suffering.

His wife is also in pain. She may well belong to “obese is good” groups; she ignores his gifts intended to help her. Unless you have been obese yourself, you have absolutely no idea of what it is like. Do not dismiss it as being the result of the sin of “gluttony” - if only it were so simple. You get to be obese by being addicted to food for some reason; because of a craving for a specific ingredient; because it fills an emotional void; because you do not know enough about good nutrition; because it is easier to grab unhealthy ‘convenience food’; and many more reasons.

Being obese is no fun. Climbing one flight of stairs and being sure you are going to die from the effort; lugging huge weights around all day; having aching feet, knees, hips, back; battling to find clothes that fit (even in the plus size shops); seeing yourself in the mirror. There is no joy in it - however, and particularly when you are hugely obese, just thinking of the amount of weight you have to lose is so daunting that you are afraid to try.

Fighting obesity starts in the sufferer’s head - only when they accept that they are obese and need to change will anything happen. People around them can give them whatever gifts they want to, it will make no difference until that person sincerely wants to change. (That is why that beautiful gift of a clothing store voucher resulted in the wife loosing weight she decided she wanted to buy nice, slim clothes and lost the weight.)

I know, just over a year ago I was the obese woman who was convinced the stairs at work were trying to kill me (had there been an elevator I’d have used that) - but a small voice kept saying, “it’s not the stairs, it’s your weight and unfitness”. 18 months and 55lbs later, I have moved out of the obese category, but am still overweight. The stairs no longer threaten me; I even use the stairs at my apartment; but, as well as still having weight to shed, I have to recognise that obesity is always a very real possibility for me and I have to do all in my power to keep it off.

Mushroom and his wife need counselling; separately and together to work on the many issues that are threatening their marriage.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

If anyone EVER brings up this subject again, just link them to this thread. I don’t think we ever need to discuss this subject on this forum again. Ever.



Please, Lord, let it die soon!

:knight2::heaven:

 

[Irishmom2]

Well some people here have decided I am some sort of troll so I guess I will take my dilemma elsewhere. For the record I am 100% real and being open and honest here but whatever I don’t need you to believe me. I now see I should not have turned to fellow Catholics but thank you to all who did offer support and advice. I will see if she is willing to go to a counselor and I will pray for her too thank you. And PS if you think this is not a widespread problem with so many people packing on lots of weight you are nuts. What man wants a hefty helga? You are tricking yourselves if you think men dont want attractive wives and I assume no woman wants a big fat man either.

MushroomMan,

Whether you are real or not doesn’t matter to me. Someone reading this may be getting something out of it.

You say you have turned to fellow Catholics, but then, you threaten to leave when the fellow Catholics do not tell you what you want to hear.

People have questioned your part in all of this. Others have said they understand you. Still others have flamed you. The point is, you don’t seem to show an inkling of feeling that you may have done anything wrong. You have placed all the “blame” on your wife. You have thrown up your hands and come here not for true help, but to find people to agree with you. And when that didn’t happen, you continued disrespecting your wife and trying to build a case for yourself. Not once did we hear an inkling of remorse or apology toward your unkind words.

Do you see how bad that looks and why people are so upset with you?

Lord, please help this man and any spouse like him, to accept and help their spouse with love and kindness. Touch their hearts that they may help with patience and hope. Open their eyes to the pain they have caused and lead them so that they support their spouse in a positive, loving manner. I ask this through the intecession of Your Most Holy Mother, Mary.

 

[jimmy]

If anyone EVER brings up this subject again, just link them to this thread. I don’t think we ever need to discuss this subject on this forum again. Ever.



Please, Lord, let it die soon!

:knight2::heaven:

Why, it is a legitimate issue? Is obese just an alternative lifestyle?

It is reasonable that your significant other should take care of them self.

 

[Irishmom2]

It is reasonable that your significant other should take care of them self.

Lord, please help this man and any spouse like him, to accept and help their spouse with love and kindness. Touch their hearts that they may help with patience and hope. Open their eyes to the pain they have caused and lead them so that they support their spouse in a positive, loving manner. I ask this through the intecession of Your Most Holy Mother, Mary.

 

[haedron]

MushroomMan,

Whether you are real or not doesn’t matter to me. Someone reading this may be getting something out of it.

You say you have turned to fellow Catholics, but then, you threaten to leave when the fellow Catholics do not tell you what you want to hear.

People have questioned your part in all of this. Others have said they understand you. Still others have flamed you. The point is, you don’t seem to show an inkling of feeling that you may have done anything wrong. You have placed all the “blame” on your wife. You have thrown up your hands and come here not for true help, but to find people to agree with you. And when that didn’t happen, you continued disrespecting your wife and trying to build a case for yourself. Not once did we hear an inkling of remorse or apology toward your unkind words.

Do you see how bad that looks and why people are so upset with you?

Lord, please help this man and any spouse like him, to accept and help their spouse with love and kindness. Touch their hearts that they may help with patience and hope. Open their eyes to the pain they have caused and lead them so that they support their spouse in a positive, loving manner. I ask this through the intecession of Your Most Holy Mother, Mary.

Well of course he blames his wife, and rightly so. Who is responsible for her health & fitness if not her?

Granted, his tone and words are uncharitable but is it not possible that they come from a place of deep frustration and hurt?

Look, I agree with a lot of people in this thread who tear him down for his lack of sensitivity and outright contempt for his wife (and I agree he may very well be a troll so this is probably all academic anyway) but let’s differentiate:

The OP’s attitude and name calling regarding his wife are not fair and extremely insensitive, but the fact of the matter is that he has a point. No one is responsible for his wife’s obesity but his wife. Shifting the blame to HFCS, pregnancy, or any of the other lame excuses in this thread are just that - excuses. That’s the M.O. of an obese persion. His wife is morbidly obese, and that’s on her.

Obesity is an epidemic, and obese people should not be treated like victims. We need to quit making excuses for them and treating them like it’s OK that they’re killing themselves one bucket of KFC at a time.

At my biggest I weighed in at almost 400 lbs. After ruling out any medical reason for that, there is no valid excuse for someone to be that big and be content to stay that way. Heck, it actually takes a serious effort just to eat enough calories day in and day out to get that big. Something like 6000 calories a day. In my case, it took some counseling to work through some bigger issues in my life and get some self control and self discipline that I didn’t even know I was lacking.

I just don’t believe that there is a valid excuse for anyone to be obese assuming any underlying medical condition has been ruled out. It boils down to a combination of laziness, lack of knowledge and possibly some mental health issues that need to be addressed. It also takes hard work and dediciation. None of these things is beyond the reach of the average American.