Wife is OBESE

[jimmy]

Lord, please help this man and any spouse like him, to accept and help their spouse with love and kindness. Touch their hearts that they may help with patience and hope. Open their eyes to the pain they have caused and lead them so that they support their spouse in a positive, loving manner. I ask this through the intecession of Your Most Holy Mother, Mary.

It’s condescending for you to post a prayer like that.you avoid talking about the issue, and you look down on the person you are ‘praying for’. If you want to pray for someone, don’t display it on a public forum.

Only the woman is allowed to have emotions based on the conditions of life? That is sexist. Its a double standard. What if he was an alcoholic? You would probably be instructing her to leave him. But all of a sudden gluttony is acceptable. And you are unwilling to admit that it is even an issue.

 

[Chantal25]

(Delete please)

 

[Irishmom2]

It’s condescending for you to post a prayer like that.you avoid talking about the issue, and you look down on the person you are ‘praying for’. If you want to pray for someone, don’t display it on a public forum.

Excuse me, but last time I checked, this is a public forum. Not only that, it is a CATHOLIC forum. Prayers are allowed and encouraged. And my prayer is in no way condescending, so please, save your judgements for something else.

 

[aicirt]

Only the woman is allowed to have emotions based on the conditions of life? That is sexist. Its a double standard. What if he was an alcoholic? You would probably be instructing her to leave him. But all of a sudden gluttony is acceptable. And you are unwilling to admit that it is even an issue.

Exactly! If a woman came here and said she couldn’t stand her husband because of his drinking, that he reeked from booze, wanted to have sex with her when he was in that state, turned off by his behavior, that people mocked him, he embarrassed her and the kids, that he refused to get help, was in denial, she’d be told to leave him.

Ditto for the woman who watched her husband smoke for years, destroy his health, reek from tobacco, and was sexually turned off.

Why does obesity get a pass when she hasn’t made a real attempt to get it off. Instead, she has sought solace in a site that advocates she’s just fine when she isn’t.

 

[The_Bucket]

Well of course he blames his wife, and rightly so. Who is responsible for her health & fitness if not her?

Granted, his tone and words are uncharitable but is it not possible that they come from a place of deep frustration and hurt?

Look, I agree with a lot of people in this thread who tear him down for his lack of sensitivity and outright contempt for his wife (and I agree he may very well be a troll so this is probably all academic anyway) but let’s differentiate:

The OP’s attitude and name calling regarding his wife are not fair and extremely insensitive, but the fact of the matter is that he has a point. No one is responsible for his wife’s obesity but his wife. Shifting the blame to HFCS, pregnancy, or any of the other lame excuses in this thread are just that - excuses. That’s the M.O. of an obese persion. His wife is morbidly obese, and that’s on her.

Obesity is an epidemic, and obese people should not be treated like victims. We need to quit making excuses for them and treating them like it’s OK that they’re killing themselves one bucket of KFC at a time.

At my biggest I weighed in at almost 400 lbs. After ruling out any medical reason for that, there is no valid excuse for someone to be that big and be content to stay that way. Heck, it actually takes a serious effort just to eat enough calories day in and day out to get that big. Something like 6000 calories a day. In my case, it took some counseling to work through some bigger issues in my life and get some self control and self discipline that I didn’t even know I was lacking.

I just don’t believe that there is a valid excuse for anyone to be obese assuming any underlying medical condition has been ruled out. It boils down to a combination of laziness, lack of knowledge and possibly some mental health issues that need to be addressed. It also takes hard work and dediciation. None of these things is beyond the reach of the average American.

Listen to this man. He’s lived it.

Look, I totally get that this is a sensitive issue and especially sensitive for women. A thread like this is destined for trouble and major trouble when it’s started in the way the OP did. But like I and several others have said before, this is an issue worth discussing provided that we can all be adults here.

Blaming morbid obesity on fast food or additives or anything else that’s shoved in our faces these days is like blaming a “society” for a porn addict’s behavior. Hey, he’s just a man and men are blasted with sexual images all the time! He can’t help it! Yes he can. Yes he absolutely can and must. Are there mitigating circumstances that lower his culpability? Maybe. But is the sin still grave? Uh, yeah.

So yes, morbid obesity is usually caused by a food addiction; which are generally the result of some kind of mental health issue. haedron is spot on there and, given that he’s lived it, I’m sure he had to beat down the mental problems before he could tackle the physical ones. And good on him for doing it and admitting his responsibility for becoming so unhealthy. Taking responsibility for becoming obese probably helped him take responsibility for changing his lifestyle.

Where we all have to be careful is drawing the line between valuing someone solely for their looks and excusing unhealthy behavior as simply facts of life. No man should ever stop loving his wife if she becomes severely overweight. It’s cruel and un-Christlike. But everyone needs to understand that his or her body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and should be treated accordingly. And yes, physical attractiveness matters. It does not determine your value as a child of God, but does matter in terms of your health and it matters in terms of demonstrating that you want to look your best for your spouse. This goes for both women and men.

All of us married people should, every day, try to become MORE attractive to our spouses. As a general rule that usually means becoming even more loving and more Christ-like; building up our spiritual and emotional attractiveness. But also means staying as physically fit as possible.

 

[The_Bucket]

Exactly! If a woman came here and said she couldn’t stand her husband because of his drinking, that he reeked from booze, wanted to have sex with her when he was in that state, turned off by his behavior, that people mocked him, he embarrassed her and the kids, that he refused to get help, was in denial, she’d be told to leave him.

Again, I don’t think it’s fair to compare obesity to alcoholism or drug addiction. Drug and alcohol addiction, and sex/porn addiction for that matter, generally have serious consequences in terms of changing one’s behavior and attitude. It can lead to serious physical and/or emotional abuse.

Ditto for the woman who watched her husband smoke for years, destroy his health, reek from tobacco, and was sexually turned off.

This, however, is quite right.

Why does obesity get a pass when she hasn’t made a real attempt to get it off. Instead, she has sought solace in a site that advocates she’s just fine when she isn’t.

Well I think it’s because of the utterly offensive tone in which the subject was presented. It’s pretty much poisoned any effort to discuss the topic rationally. And, like I and others have said, that “support group” is most likely a defense mechanism and another way to avoid facing the source of the food addiction.

 

[jimmy]

Excuse me, but last time I checked, this is a public forum. Not only that, it is a CATHOLIC forum. Prayers are allowed and encouraged. And my prayer is in no way condescending, so please, save your judgements for something else.

So now it is a virtue to be sanctimonious. Hahaha, when you are done congratuling yourself on your holiness and praying for all of us sinners we can have a discussion about the thread topic.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Beating a dog doesn’t make an obedient dog. It makes a resentful “beast” (as the OP called his wife) who hates you.

The OP (although I’m pretty sure this whole thread was built upon a troll posting) has beaten his wife with his words and actions. Buying someone exercise equipment, gym memberships, etc. just says, “you have a problem, FIX IT!” Does not mean that he is loving her in spite of problems. Does not show concern for her. Just shows a focus on externals.

It’s one thing for the person to recognize that he/she has a food addiction or is using food as an emotional reward. It’s another thing entirely when the person who should be your very best friend starts calling you a “beast.” If this weren’t a troll, the OP would be responding to this wife with revulsion and disgust, and you bet your sweet patootie that he would have used that language in her presence. So don’t give me this “he has a right to be concerned” nonsense. No one has a right to be abusive, EVEN IF their spouse has an addiction.

Treat people with dignity, and you may have a chance of a good response.

 

[Chantal25]

You can live the sin of impurity even in marriage. Your spouse is more then a body, you have married them for the best and the worst, please pray and learn to love them for who they are.

Why human feel that their spouse has the main duty to serve them, to make them happy or has no say or opinion. We are to serve God with all of our heart. Being a good wife, a good husband or a good child is a way to express love to God. A good wife or good husband don’t have the duty to be sexy for their partner it isn’t what they swear to honor at the altar. If someone has any sort of addiction, they need prayer. It isn’t our role to judge but God will do this. Don’t judge, if you don’t want to be judge.

It is a place to pray, if you don’t wish to be exposed to any prayer, perhaps, it is the wrong board for you. This man that is posting this request, is seeking for help and understanding, it isn’t fair to put him down, i think he is truly sincere and needs guidance. On the other hand, nothing wrong to share our impression and what we feel could help.

I think this thread could be a great opportunity to learn from one another but we must put our pride aside and and have an open mind.

All the best and i do pray for everyone of you.

 

[JackieMom]

What if we got the following post…

“My husband of 20 years has really let his hygiene go. He showers only once a week, hasn’t cut his hair in 6 months and brushes his teeth only here and there. He has body odor and his hair is oily and his nails are often too long and dirty. It disgusts me because when we married he took pride in his appearance and was very neat and clean. Over the years he has waned in his interest for good grooming and now I am at a point where his odor and dirty habits are a complete turn off and I don’t even want to share a bes with him. Intimacy is torture and I feel like I’m having sex with a homeless person. When we go out, people notice that he stinks and is unclean. It’s so embarrassing. This is not the man I married and no matter what I say or do, he blows me off and says I’m being too picky. The truth is that I am really tired of even being around him because he won’t even try. I make haircut appointments, and he no-shows. I buy him high end shaving supplies and shampoo and they are never used. Finally I told him he reeks and is gross, and he said he was just “natural” and to get over it because he isn’t 25 anymore. I refuse to be intimate with him anymore because of his odor, his bad breath, his oily hair, and his dirty nails. I love him as a person but as a romantic partner it’s just too nauseating. I wish he would just TRY but he won’t and says he does not need or want to see a counselor. He believes I am just putting a Western standard of cleanliness on him that is unfair. I want my clean husband back.”

Would anyone tell this woman to just accept this as “part of aging” or an acceptable way for her husband to live? “Learn to love him as he is?” “Accept that he won’t ever have the grooming habits of a male model?” Of course not. We can all relate to not wanting to share intimacy with an unclean person. MM’s wife’s obesity is exactly the same. He stated she had a full workup and that there is no medical reason for her obesity. He stated she has never seriously attempted to lose weight. Ahe knows her abnormal appearance bothers her husband and she seems to care not. Sure, she’s in her 40s and has had kids. That in no way means she should be obese. An extra 5-10 lbs? Sure, it happens after kids and as we age. But an extra 60-70 is way, way outside the norm and there is really no excuse except for lack of effort and willpower. Obesity is unhealthy and reduces lifespan and quality of life, especially as the years go by. Habits that are unhealthy tend to be unattractive and repellant to others. MM has every right to be furious about his wife’s lack of effort to control her weight. No, he should not call her nasty names. No excuse for that. But I can’t believe how many people here have basically told him that it’s not a big deal that his wife has essentially disfigured herself and blamed it on pregnancies, what’s sold at the grocery store, medical conditions she does not have, and aging! He never said he wanted a supermodel and seeral times he said he accepted the aging process just fine. Aging does NOT equal getting fat and certainly does not mean being 70 lbs Overweight.

 

[aicirt]

Again, I don’t think it’s fair to compare obesity to alcoholism or drug addiction. Drug and alcohol addiction, and sex/porn addiction for that matter, generally have serious consequences in terms of changing one’s behavior and attitude. It can lead to serious physical and/or emotional abuse.

Well I think it’s because of the utterly offensive tone in which the subject was presented. It’s pretty much poisoned any effort to discuss the topic rationally. And, like I and others have said, that “support group” is most likely a defense mechanism and another way to avoid facing the source of the food addiction.

I don’t see the difference. You self medicate with alcohol and drugs and one can do the same with food. Anything done to extremes is an addiction. Yes, all do have serious consequences. From what the OP has said, this food addiction is destroying their marriage. That is a serious consequence.

I doubt the OP has gone out and stated to anyone his real feelings other than posting them here. Let’s look at the wife whose alocholic husband wants sex. She’s turned off. She embarrassed for him and for herself. OP is trying to accept his wife’s sexual moves on him but he’s turned off because she’s unattractive and fails to grasp that just like the alcholic husband fails to grasp that by putting his body in an alcholic state it is also a turn off.

The OP stated she’s been gaining this weight over 20 years and three kids. He hasn’t walked out. But now she’s obese and doesn’t appear to want to do anything about it.

Maybe his only alternative is to have an intervention with her family, and kids.

 

[Serap]

here are some excuses my mother has made over the years for being 225 lbs:

• I don’t have enough saliva and I need fat in my food to swallow
• it’s my thyroid even though my doctor says my thyroid is normal
• it’s my bad feet; I can’t walk (her feet are fine and she can walk just fine)
• I’m tired all the time and don’t have any energy (b/c you lead an unhealthy lifestyle)
• I’m 50, I don’t care anymore
• I’m 60, I don’t care anymore

My mother could be at a healthy weight, but she chooses not to. She has every excuse under the sun.

Her reasons for being obese are psychological. She likes to be a victim and purposely lames herself for sympathy. She was an abused foster child growing up. This is the root cause. She enables herself to be weak and has a sense of self-hopelessness.

 

[Serap]

At the same time, many of the responses say that he should just ignore that she has become obese. He is automatically assumed to be wrong because he wants his wife to be attractive to him, or at least put forth the effort to be attractive. In other words, he should be sensitive to her emotions? But there is no necessity for her to be sensitive to his emotions. Hers are good (or at least we should be sympathetic to them), his are evil and we should condemn them. There is a problem with this way of thinking.

exactly! LIKE

 

[Serap]

Why, it is a legitimate issue? Is obese just an alternative lifestyle?

It is reasonable that your significant other should take care of them self.

Yes it is reasonable to expect your spouse to take care of their health. I agree.

Being overweight is not necessarily unhealthy, but being obese IS unhealthy. I would nag my husband to death if he were obese…honestly. I wouldn’t accept it!

 

[Serap]

It’s condescending for you to post a prayer like that.you avoid talking about the issue, and you look down on the person you are ‘praying for’. If you want to pray for someone, don’t display it on a public forum.

Only the woman is allowed to have emotions based on the conditions of life? That is sexist. Its a double standard. What if he was an alcoholic? You would probably be instructing her to leave him. But all of a sudden gluttony is acceptable. And you are unwilling to admit that it is even an issue.

I agree…addiction to food is just as destructive as being a functional alcoholic.

 

[Serap]

Excuse me, but last time I checked, this is a public forum. Not only that, it is a CATHOLIC forum. Prayers are allowed and encouraged. And my prayer is in no way condescending, so please, save your judgements for something else.

yes it is condescending. you are assuming that if someone is not attracted to their obese spouse, then they are shallow. That’s untrue.

 

[Serap]

Exactly! If a woman came here and said she couldn’t stand her husband because of his drinking, that he reeked from booze, wanted to have sex with her when he was in that state, turned off by his behavior, that people mocked him, he embarrassed her and the kids, that he refused to get help, was in denial, she’d be told to leave him.

Ditto for the woman who watched her husband smoke for years, destroy his health, reek from tobacco, and was sexually turned off.

Why does obesity get a pass when she hasn’t made a real attempt to get it off. Instead, she has sought solace in a site that advocates she’s just fine when she isn’t.

exactly AND we need to also be patient and kind towards people with addictions b/c their addictions are pyschologically driven.

 

[The_Bucket]

I agree…addiction to food is just as destructive as being a functional alcoholic.

Perhaps with a “functional” one that doesn’t lash out in violence, sure. I was just being very hesitant because, as an addict myself, my behavior went far beyond being lazy or not caring what my wife thought about me. I was emotionally abusive and extremely passive-aggressive. I was also the epitome of deception. There’s a lot more going on there than “merely” being obese. But JackieMom hit it on the head.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

What if we got the following post…

“My husband of 20 years has really let his hygiene go. He showers only once a week, hasn’t cut his hair in 6 months and brushes his teeth only here and there. He has body odor and his hair is oily and his nails are often too long and dirty. It disgusts me because when we married he took pride in his appearance and was very neat and clean. Over the years he has waned in his interest for good grooming and now I am at a point where his odor and dirty habits are a complete turn off and I don’t even want to share a bes with him. Intimacy is torture and I feel like I’m having sex with a homeless person. When we go out, people notice that he stinks and is unclean. It’s so embarrassing. This is not the man I married and no matter what I say or do, he blows me off and says I’m being too picky. The truth is that I am really tired of even being around him because he won’t even try. I make haircut appointments, and he no-shows. I buy him high end shaving supplies and shampoo and they are never used. Finally I told him he reeks and is gross, and he said he was just “natural” and to get over it because he isn’t 25 anymore. I refuse to be intimate with him anymore because of his odor, his bad breath, his oily hair, and his dirty nails. I love him as a person but as a romantic partner it’s just too nauseating. I wish he would just TRY but he won’t and says he does not need or want to see a counselor. He believes I am just putting a Western standard of cleanliness on him that is unfair. I want my clean husband back.”

Would anyone tell this woman to just accept this as “part of aging” or an acceptable way for her husband to live? “Learn to love him as he is?” “Accept that he won’t ever have the grooming habits of a male model?” Of course not. We can all relate to not wanting to share intimacy with an unclean person. MM’s wife’s obesity is exactly the same. He stated she had a full workup and that there is no medical reason for her obesity. He stated she has never seriously attempted to lose weight. Ahe knows her abnormal appearance bothers her husband and she seems to care not. Sure, she’s in her 40s and has had kids. That in no way means she should be obese. An extra 5-10 lbs? Sure, it happens after kids and as we age. But an extra 60-70 is way, way outside the norm and there is really no excuse except for lack of effort and willpower. Obesity is unhealthy and reduces lifespan and quality of life, especially as the years go by. Habits that are unhealthy tend to be unattractive and repellant to others. MM has every right to be furious about his wife’s lack of effort to control her weight. No, he should not call her nasty names. No excuse for that. But I can’t believe how many people here have basically told him that it’s not a big deal that his wife has essentially disfigured herself and blamed it on pregnancies, what’s sold at the grocery store, medical conditions she does not have, and aging! He never said he wanted a supermodel and seeral times he said he accepted the aging process just fine. Aging does NOT equal getting fat and certainly does not mean being 70 lbs Overweight.

If we take the OP at what he said…

1. wife is 5.2 and 190
2. She is attrocious to look at, he described her body in quite grotesque terms
3. She needs to buy clothing in a specialty shop for heavy women
4. People snicker and say names behind her back
5. Simultanously though she gets her nails done weekly and her hair done frequently

I’m an inch taller. After my DD was born for a bit a weighed about 185. So just about 5 pounds less.

I was a size 16. Size 16. I could purchase clothing in a normal store, I was about average compared to other women I would see. No one was pointing and laughing. My husband did not think I was grotesque, nor did he required 4 beers to perform. I was not disfigured.

 

[Serap]

So now it is a virtue to be sanctimonious. Hahaha, when you are done congratuling yourself on your holiness and praying for all of us sinners we can have a discussion about the thread topic.

ouch