Wife is OBESE

[ReddyFreddy]

Haven’t read responses but my condolensces to your wife. I will pray for your change of heart.

FWIW, my husband gained a lot of weight after we got married. He has since lost that weight but I was never any less attracted to him or loved him any less.

 

[haedron]

First of all up front I will identify my gender: I am male, a husband of nearly 25 years, and a father of 3.

One thing my married life taught me is that the only person I have any control over is myself. The only person I can change with any kind of effectiveness is myself. Cajoling, goading, subtle-and-not-so-subtle hints, etc. to get her to change, are really telling your spouse “it’s really all about me”.

(directed at the OP, not you Bucket) The question I would ask to the OP is: what have you done to make yourself more attractive to her? And I’m not just speaking about physical attractiveness, I mean emotional attractiveness too.

Do you treat her as the Queen of your household?
Do you value and respect her opinion on matters large and small concerning the family?
Do you do things with her, meaning, recreational activities?
Would you rather spend time with her or with your buddies?
Do you help her around the house?
Do you take an equal share of dealing with the kids?
Do you give her a break (take her out, cook dinner for her)?
Do you hug her a lot?
Do you try to lift her spirits when she’s down?
Do you laugh with her?
Do you cry with her?

And most important of all, do you LISTEN to her? Without offering advice. Just listen sympathetically. Actively listen, and REMEMBER what she told you.

Or do you treat her as an object?
Do you run from the house at the first opportunity?
We do know you scorn her for her appearance which no doubt makes her feel even worse about herself.

A woman who’s emotional needs and need for security aren’t being met, will have issues. It’s the MAN’S job to meet those needs.

If I can say these things, it an issue of “been there, done that”. The switch flipped about 3 years ago. We’re both in our mid-50s and the last three years have been like an extended honeymoon. My airport buddies (aviation is my main hobby) keep telling me “how come we don’t see you around here so much anymore?”. It’s because in the past I used to spend most Saturday mornings with them. Now, I’m more likely on Saturday mornings to have a leisurely breakfast with my wife, then we either hit the road on our bikes (summer) or go hiking/snowshoeing in the mountains (winter) together. We’re having a heck of a lot of fun, and it’s put the spark back in our relationship!

Try investing of yourself in HER, and make HER your best friend, and I can guarantee you’ll reap rewards.

Good advice in general (and I agree with you whole-heartedly), but in a lot of cases you’re not simply dealing with someone who’s emotional needs aren’t being met. You’re dealing with someone who has a serious health issue - usually coupled with a mental health problem - and is in denial about addressing it.

Furthermore, no amount of treating your spouse nicely will bring about the type of change necessary to lose a significant amount of weight. It must come from within.

Her weight is her problem. He didn’t cause it, he can’t fix it. Is he helping by saying the things he does and treating her with contempt? Absolutely not, but anyone who has ever struggled with any type of addiction knows that a person doesn’t change until that person wants to make the change for themself.

Blaming him for his wife’s obesity or implying that he is somehow complicit or a reason for her to remain morbidly obese is ridiculous. It also gets back to my early point about making excuses. So now her husband’s attitude is justification for her to plow through a package of Oreo’s and rationalize it as “it’s OK, he doesn’t like me anyway. He already thinks I’m fat and ugly so why bother?”.

It’s baloney.

My wife met me when I was fat, married me when I was fatter, and watched me pack on even more weight after our son was born. Know how many times she criticized me for my size? 0.

She never once made comments when I had to drive 2 hours away to find pants that would fit.

She never once ridiculed my size when she would go to pack a lunch for our son and all the cookies were gone since I had eaten the whole pack the night before.

She never was disappointed in me because we couldn’t do activities she wanted to do but we had to pass since I was too heavy. (Heck, we couldn’t do a helicopter tour on our honeymoon because I was too fat to ride in the chopper).

Point being, my wife always treated me kindly and loved me for who I was and it didn’t make one bit of difference in terms of my attitude about my health until I was darn well good and ready to make the choice for myself.

5’2" and 190lbs is morbidly obese. I’m 6’3", currently 285 and I’m still morbidly obese, but I’m working my butt off (literally) to improve that. I rode my bike hard for an hour last night, and skipped out on the giant tray of cake at the office this morning. I’ll run 3 miles after work tonight and eat a healthy dinner. No excuses. If I decide to pig out junk food and take a step backwards on my attempts to lose weight and be healthy that’s my decision and my fault. No one is going to put a gun to my head and make me eat junk food and then force me to lay on the couch all weekend.

Honestly, a lot of the responses in this thread sound like they’re from people who either a) have never been overweight, or b) are obese themselves and are still in the denial stage.

 

[OraLabora]

Oh absolutely. That’s why the impetus for change for someone who has an addiction has to come from within. I’ve been in the very overweight category. Then I went to fit. Now? I’d say I’m at the right weight with the wrong balance. 6’2", 210-215. Not as much muscle as I had when I was in college, though I can run for greater distances. Back when I was 255, life pretty much sucked all the time. I can’t imagine what it’s like for someone who is truly obese. That’s why I noted that I’m pretty sure those who are obese are well aware that they are unhealthy. The question is whether they want to sit there and wallow in it or if they want to get better.

I made it up to 212; I’m 5’11". I felt like poop. I started cycling actively again about 5 years ago but kept up my unhealthy eating habits. Two years ago I was diagnosed with type II diabetes. It was the spark I needed. I’ve lost 20 lbs and feel much better, and for the past couple of years have bumped up my cycling mileage. I was always able to do centuries (100 mile rides) and big hills, but now I can do them so much easier. My goal is to lose another 15 to get down to my ideal weight. But it’s tough at 54

I also work on the 5th floor of an office building, I always take the stairs, not the elevator, and take a brisk 40 minute walk at lunchtime. And in winter, my wife and I do 10 km hikes/snowshoeing in the mountains with about 400-500 meter elevation changes. It’s really important to keep active. It’s tough work and I’d come in last in any race, but I sure do feel better and it makes managing the diabetes much easier. There are days though when I don’t feel like it and really have to push myself, like this week when it was -25C on my noon walk

 

[Serap]

I think after 200 posts we can all agree that Mushroom Man is:

a. likely a troll
b. a jerk
c. enjoying this thread b/c we are all in it hook line and sinker

 

[Serap]

Honestly, a lot of the responses in this thread sound like they’re from people who either a) have never been overweight, or b) are obese themselves and are still in the denial stage.

good point.

btw…congratulations on your journey to better health

 

[Kit15]

Congratulations. That is a great accomplishment.

Thank you.

The hardest part is starting. It really is. I spent so long believing that I was just too bad at running (or any other activity) to even start. I was not able to get past that mental block until I heard the story of a man, with so much more to lose than I, who successfully finished a marathon. He was slow and overweight just like me and he finished. It truly was a “if HE can do it then I can do it!” moment.

It’s easier to be inspired by people in the same boat than people who were never in the boat…or sometimes even people who were once in the boat but are not anymore.

Don’t get me wrong I’m STILL bad at it and get regularly outpaced by walkers. I’m also still wearing plus sized clothes. But I get to say I’ve done something that even most people at normal weights have not.

I could not have done it without God and my husband though. He gets quite a bit of quality time with our daughter because of this.

 

[mafh]

If she is twice her “normal” weight, at 190, she was 95 pounds before. At 95 pounds she had a BMI of 17.4. Underweight, starts at a BMI of 18.5

This brings to mind an interesting point. People’s perspective of thinness and fatness is relative. I used to know some guys who thought normal BMI women were ‘overweight’, either due to the distribution of their fat layer or merely because they had some cellulite. Modern media really distorts what a ‘normal’ woman should look like.

A lady’s apparent size also depends on her bone structure – if a 5’2" lady is small-boned, then 200 lbs will probably look ‘bigger’ than a large-boned (think short but stocky) 5’2" lady weighing the same amount.

Also, people’s reactions to a person’s size can also depend on who they hang out with. For example, I am an obese person myself. Compared to the people I work with, I’m probably one of the most obese people in the office. Compared to my extended family, I’m only a little heavier than average. Compared to my group of friends, I’m one of the smallest. So, if the OP’s family and social group were composed of low-BMI fitness enthusiasts, maybe the wife’s weight stands out more by comparison.

 

[The_Bucket]

I think after 200 posts we can all agree that Mushroom Man is:

a. likely a troll
b. a jerk
c. enjoying this thread b/c we are all in it hook line and sinker

a and b? Sure. C? Well we’ve sort of turned this into a constructive discussion so probably not.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

a and b? Sure. C? Well we’ve sort of turned this into a constructive discussion so probably not.

As long as people don’t start attacking each other… We’re OK.

And as I said earlier, at least if this subject ever comes up again, we can just link to this thread and not have to go into 1,000 new responses.

 

[jimmy]

As long as people don’t start attacking each other… We’re OK.

And as I said earlier, at least if this subject ever comes up again, we can just link to this thread and not have to go into 1,000 new responses.

I didn’t attack anyone. Show me the post where I attacked someone.

 

[jimmy]

The only one I can think of that might be considered an attack was the one in which I called someone sanctimonious. It wasn’t meant as an attack though. I thought her post was offensive. If you disagree with something I say, then tell me why and what is wrong with it. Don’t paste a prayer for me. That is condescending and offensive. It is one thing to pray for someone (specifically when you are posting it in a public forum) when they have a legitimate reason to need prayers, it is another to do it because you disagree with someone.

 

[PrayRosary]

I am convinced Mushroomman is really Jimmy.

 

[jimmy]

I am convinced Mushroomman is really Jimmy.

Hahaha. Your good you. You saw right through my ruse. someone might actually believe it.

 

[Kit15]

As far as Jimmy goes I think the only thing he is guilty of is not appreciating how difficult overcoming a weight problem really is…or at least completely failing to come across that way on the net. This isn’t the kind of thing that can be done easily, completely, and quickly.

I also found the prayer to be passive aggressive. It is possible to pray for someone’s change of heart OFF the Internet and not where the person you’re calling out can see it.

Seesh. Have some tact.

 

[Xantippe]

“The OP in his trolling didn’t realize that what he described is not someone who weighs 200 lbs, but rather someone who weighs 350.”

Exactly.

I really didn’t like the comparison to basic hygiene upthread. There’s a huge difference in efficacy and effort between that and weight loss. If you shower and brush your teeth and trim your nails, you’re set. You really can’t screw that up unless you have a weird medical condition. Weight loss is much more demanding and complex. I can (and have) done 3-4 miles a day on the treadmill with very little visible result, just some minor oscillation within a 20 pound range. I’m 220 pounds today (down from 240 within the past year) and just maintaining that weight requires discipline and effort. I don’t even know if it’s possible for me to get back to the weight I was in my early 20s, but I’m afraid it’s always possible to get bigger.

There’s a Mother Teresa quote about how God demands faithfulness, not necessarily results. I would encourage everybody who has a heavy spouse to try to adopt that attitude and look at the (name removed by moderator)uts, rather than the outputs. Is your spouse reasonably active? Is he or she denying himself/herself food at least some of the time? As long as some effort is being made, try to love them and encourage them.

 

[jimmy]

As far as Jimmy goes I think the only thing he is guilty of is not appreciating how difficult overcoming a weight problem really is…or at least completely failing to come across that way on the net. This isn’t the kind of thing that can be done easily, completely, and quickly.

I also found the prayer to be passive aggressive. It is possible to pray for someone’s change of heart OFF the Internet and not where the person you’re calling out can see it.

Seesh. Have some tact.

I don’t know how I’ve come across. I’ll admit I have never been severely overweight. So I don’t understand it in that sense. But I do appreciate the difficulty of workingout and changing your eating patterns. As a former wrestler, there have been times when I have had to watch my eating and workout extra to make weight, and I hated it. During the offseason and after graduating I went to the other extreme, by eating whatever I wanted and not workingout. So I understand that there is emotion involved and that it isn’t easy. The hardest thing is starting up again when you haven’t worked out in a long time. And I also have and have had bad habits, so I understand the affect habit plays.

I also know some people who recognize their weight problem, but every time anyone says something they react with anger. They have basically given up on trying. And everyone who loves them is angry because they don’t even tr to get to a healthy weight. There is depression and despair involved, so saying you shouldn’t eat that incites a certain emotional response.

Whoever it was that said she will change in her own time, when she is ready was absolutely correct.

My main contentions have been that the op has an emotional perspective as well, and that she has to put some effort in rather than accepting 200 as the new 120. It seems that many posters view this guy as a jerk simply because he cares about his wife’s appearance(putting aside his attitude). But she has joined a group that says obese is ok, it is curvy.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

It seems that many posters view this guy as a jerk simply because he cares about his wife’s appearance(putting aside his attitude). But she has joined a group that says obese is ok, it is curvy.

The hypothetical OP cares about her APPEARANCE, a lot less about her. Or he would never have come onto this forum and called her a beast or an elephant or said he can’t get an erection without drinking 4 beers (which is another very troll-like post because with 4 beers, there’s a good chance nothing is happening anyway).

There is a big difference between caring about a PERSON and caring about APPEARANCE, can we agree on that? Does the hypothetical OP actually meet any of her emotional needs?

 

[jimmy]

And kit, when I congratulated you on the half marathon, it was out of admiration and respect. I would like to someday run a marathon. I am not in that kind of shape now though.

 

[jimmy]

The hypothetical OP cares about her APPEARANCE, a lot less about her. Or he would never have come onto this forum and called her a beast or an elephant or said he can’t get an erection without drinking 4 beers (which is another very troll-like post because with 4 beers, there’s a good chance nothing is happening anyway).

There is a big difference between caring about a PERSON and caring about APPEARANCE, can we agree on that? Does the hypothetical OP actually meet any of her emotional needs?

Everyone agrees he’s a jerk. The difference that some people say so because of the way he talks about her, the others say so because he has the gall to say he isn’t physically attracted to her and thinks she should try to workout.

Yeh there is a difference between caring about the person and their appearance, but last time I checked marriage was still recognized to be a sexual relationship as well as a spiritual one.

 

[Catherine_k]

No clues if this is real or not but here’s my suggestions.

Since diet is 80% of the problem/solution for weight issues,… that is where the focus should be. Many use food as a form of antidepressant. Eating (especially unhealthy, high carbohydrate foods) can cause a reaction that helps those who are depressed feel better. Also, the PCOS another person mentioned is a real possibility. PCOS can cause hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) which can create a nasty spiral of feeling weak, dizzy whereby the person eats the wrong types of food for the immediate correction only to have the blood sugar to drop again. That type of spiral can cause weight retention as well as weight gain. It can also be a precursor to diabetes and heart disease. Please express concern for her well being and ask that her doctors consider a PCOS diagnosis

In terms of exercise, why does it NEED to be formal (in terms of a video or activity at a gym). Many people are self conscious and do not feel comfortable working out in a gym. I’m a confirmed gymrat and I don’t enjoy working out (I do it because I enjoy how I feel after working out). Furthermore, those videos can be painfully boring and isolating. You need to rethink this and make this fun. What I would ask is what are you doing as a couple that is physically active? What are you doing as a family that is physically active? A real walk, or hike, or bicycle ride, or game (volleyball/football/baseball) in the backyard may be the BEST way to start. AND those types of actions would foster family goodwill. (the family that plays together, stays together).

Also, if you’re really interested in fostering overall health for you, your wife and your children, I suggest counseling and taking the approach that you married her for life… not only are you concerned about her health, but also the examples you (as parents) are setting for your children. They need to see both of you working together to support each other’s health (healthy lifestyles and choices) so they can be healthy when they are older.

Running away because your wife has a medical condition (obesity) is akin to running away because your wife has depression. Would you do that?