Wife obese and snoring, unrepentant

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Marie5890 said:
Ok, I will be a radical voice here.
I dont think anywhere the OP was saying that his wife needed to be a size 4 so please let’s now all of us project that on to him.That is not just.

As a general statement, we all are responsible for our physical health. Even me, a paraplegic for 40 years.

Even I do have a certain degree of ability and responsibility for my own health.
Can I be maintain a size 4? Nope? That doesnt mean I cant maintain a size 10,12, etc?

Please, let’s not enable people how have the ability to lose and maintaine a healthy weight to do just that.

Again, If I …a chair mobile paraplegic of 40 years can maintain a decent healthy weight,…many others can to…
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Many others can, but I’d like to ask them how many got there because of the “motivation” of a spouse telling them they lacked self-control. Besides, she’s not here asking how to deal with her weight and how it affecting their marriage, though. He is.

Yes, you can “enable” a person who is making poor choices, but is staying in a marriage with someone who is not trying to lose weight “enabling” them? I don’t think so. Filling the pantry with potato chips is enabling them. Making excuses that you know aren’t true for why they never exercise is enabling them. And to be practical, being negative and dwelling on failures instead of being positive and dwelling on whatever successes she’s had is only likely to bring about more failure, not to mention damage the basic friendship that is the foundation of their marriage.

If she doesn’t even like you, you’re not going to be able to motivate her, except possibly to do exactly the opposite of whatever you’re pushing her to choose. On top of that, a mutual contempt will grow between you, and if that mutual contempt grows by enough, the marriage will be toast.

Imagine you have tried to do something, failed, and then had someone come in and chide you for your failure and made personal attacks concerning your lack of self-control prior to “motivating” you. We all know how well that will work.
 
Why is it so bad that a man wants his woman to be healthy? I don’t get all this “accept me the way I am” women talk. Isn’t the Christian life about challenging each other and ourselves to be the best we can? is the best for a woman to be obese? Our bodies are the Spirit’s temple, so should women (and men!) who eat themselves into being corpulent be challenged to tend to that temple?

Sure, as a man I can say a Cindy Crawford type is good looking, but for the average woman, who a man loves, is it so much to ask to be healthy, NOT like a model as some women here have said?

Or are women in America’s lazy, I’m fat and that’s ok, McDonald’s culture just content to be big?
 
valoriuslobo said:
Why is it so bad that a man wants his woman to be healthy? I don’t get all this “accept me the way I am” women talk. Isn’t the Christian life about challenging each other and ourselves to be the best we can? is the best for a woman to be obese? Our bodies are the Spirit’s temple, so should women (and men!) who eat themselves into being corpulent be challenged to tend to that temple?

Sure, as a man I can say a Cindy Crawford type is good looking, but for the average woman, who a man loves, is it so much to ask to be healthy, NOT like a model as some women here have said?

Or are women in America’s lazy, I’m fat and that’s ok, McDonald’s culture just content to be big?
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Than focus more on the “love” side, not the bullying side.
 
valoriuslobo said:
Why is it so bad that a man wants his woman to be healthy? I don’t get all this “accept me the way I am” women talk. Isn’t the Christian life about challenging each other and ourselves to be the best we can? is the best for a woman to be obese? Our bodies are the Spirit’s temple, so should women (and men!) who eat themselves into being corpulent be challenged to tend to that temple?

Sure, as a man I can say a Cindy Crawford type is good looking, but for the average woman, who a man loves, is it so much to ask to be healthy, NOT like a model as some women here have said?

Or are women in America’s lazy, I’m fat and that’s ok, McDonald’s culture just content to be big?
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I agree with you that spouses should help each other to be the best that they can be.

The issue is that weight is not an easy, quick-fix situation. It took me 25 years to figure out how to deal with it, and I’m still a long ways (about 20-25 pounds) away from a “normal” weight.

If the OP is OK with that, then we’re all cool. What concerns some of us is that the OP seems to be giving out vibes that he wants this fixed right NOW. It won’t happen, and he’ll end up with a broken home if he stays on this track.

We’re hoping that the OP will realize that the issue is a complex one, and that he and his wife need to find a way to work together on their health.
 
The tone of the OP is whats concerning. He has a wife of 20 years and it sounds as if he stopped really loving her 5 years ago when he removed himself from the bedroom.

The tone comes off as being mad and disgusted at his wife and using the health concerns as an excuse for wanting her hot and young again. He needs a good look in the mirror. 20 years on anyone is rough.
 
Castello said:
$1 in the poor box to show me where an official Church document states that it is a sin to be overweight.
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The virtue of temperance disposes us to avoid every kind of excess: the abuse of food, alcohol, tobacco, or medicine.

CCC 2290

I’d say that’s an official Church document.

BTW, I know men who cook dinner after coming home from work, and do everthing else when they are home on their days off, and the wife still manages to gain weight. Sorry, but chasing after the kids 5 days a week is often not the cause or the problem.

The truth is that most women believe that a “man’s” fitness program will not work for them. One only needs to look at women in the military to decide if this is true or not.

Unless the doctor has given a reason, then a husband is reasonable to expect his wife to take responsibility for her health and do something about it that gets results. There is no credit for effort when your health fails, anymore than it is acceptable simply to try to stop smoking, rather than successfully quitting. When our Catholic duty comes to our neighbors, we are called to make every attempt, but when it comes to our personal obligations, we are called to get results, in every aspect of our lives.
 
valoriuslobo said:
Why is it so bad that a man wants his woman to be healthy? I don’t get all this “accept me the way I am” women talk. Isn’t the Christian life about challenging each other and ourselves to be the best we can? is the best for a woman to be obese? Our bodies are the Spirit’s temple, so should women (and men!) who eat themselves into being corpulent be challenged to tend to that temple?

Sure, as a man I can say a Cindy Crawford type is good looking, but for the average woman, who a man loves, is it so much to ask to be healthy, NOT like a model as some women here have said?

Or are women in America’s lazy, I’m fat and that’s ok, McDonald’s culture just content to be big?
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That’s pretty darned insulting. I’d really like to see a photo of Mr. OP and see how much ground HE has lost in 20 years. Bodies sag and wrinkle as we age. We get bulges, sore spots, creaks and lumps.

See, here’s the thing. If changing someone else is your focus, you are going to fail every time. That person has to want to change, and not for you or because of you, or even against you (out of spite, IOW). And you do the person no favors by being angry, cruel, bitter, critical. Better to use the carrot than the stick. I am willing to bet that if the OP would love his wife enough to see if she has a thyroid condition or depression, it would go a long way toward making her feel as if he really does care. If she is depressed, there is no way she is going to have enough energy to care about housekeeping, finances or her weight.

Since these things are actually NORMAL parts of ordinary life, when someone stops doing them, it really signals that something is wrong. Their relationship may have other problems that the OP isn’t telling us. I get the feeling from the way he titled his thread, “Wife obese and snoring, UNREPENTANT” as if she should repent to him or as if she has sinned by having these problems.

You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. He should find out what he can do to help his wife - for all we know, he has no emotional intimacy with her so she feels alone and lonely.
 
valoriuslobo said:
Why is it so bad that a man wants his woman to be healthy? I don’t get all this “accept me the way I am” women talk. Isn’t the Christian life about challenging each other and ourselves to be the best we can? is the best for a woman to be obese? Our bodies are the Spirit’s temple, so should women (and men!) who eat themselves into being corpulent be challenged to tend to that temple?

Sure, as a man I can say a Cindy Crawford type is good looking, but for the average woman, who a man loves, is it so much to ask to be healthy, NOT like a model as some women here have said?

Or are women in America’s lazy, I’m fat and that’s ok, McDonald’s culture just content to be big?
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👍
 
Please,
let us all recognize that the sin of gluttony is real.

No clue as to how much of this is what OP’s wife is dealing with…

But the sin of gluttony IS VERY REAL.

240 #s?..for a woman that is no little weight gain. …That is WAY OBESE!!!

I say this as a paralyzed woman of 40 years…I would give my freaking eye teeth…and every tooth in my mouth… to be able to have the range of activity most of you enjoy without realizing how profoundly blessed you are to have the physical abilities most of you have…

To wiggle my toes and move my feet in the way God designed would be a blessing beyond compare…
 
valoriuslobo said:
Why is it so bad that a man wants his woman to be healthy? I don’t get all this “accept me the way I am” women talk. Isn’t the Christian life about challenging each other and ourselves to be the best we can? is the best for a woman to be obese? Our bodies are the Spirit’s temple, so should women (and men!) who eat themselves into being corpulent be challenged to tend to that temple?

Sure, as a man I can say a Cindy Crawford type is good looking, but for the average woman, who a man loves, is it so much to ask to be healthy, NOT like a model as some women here have said?

Or are women in America’s lazy, I’m fat and that’s ok, McDonald’s culture just content to be big?
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You have nothing to apologize about…
Really and truly, the SIN of GLUTTONY is the SIN of GLUTTONY.

Making others “feel ok” about this is UnChrist-like…

The “Im fat and its ok-McDonalds” attitude is a lie…asking a woman to be a size 4-6-8 all her life isnt fair either…but saying its ok to be an 18-20-22-24 isnt fair by the same token…

We are capable of control with God’s grace
 
Love her where she is at. fixing her sins are not your things to fix. You can pray for her. Be curious about who she is. find out more about her. love her…share your hopes and dreams.
 
There are two sides to every story, and I’m sure we’d get a different version if your wife came on here.

Women are fickled creatures, I know, I’m one, and I’m also a bit tubsy, when people tell me I’m fat or over weight or am I going to they gym, or why aren’t I… or am I… or when will I… et cetera, its kind of like pointing out that sun is hot. I know I’m fat, and I’m working on it. But eventually constant nagging makes you shut down to the criticism. You have to be sensitive. Bowling up to your wife and saying “hey, why aren’t you loosing weight, you said you would, you failed that diet, you’re not exercising, your snoring is keeping me awake, you’re irresponsibile with money and kids et al”/

What your wife is hearing is something along the lines of “You’re fat, ugly, unattractive, lazy, stupid, greedy, irresponsible”. Now you think that’s something that’s going to endeer her to helpign herself?

I think you need to get back in the same bed. Get ear plugs if you have to it. Start showing your wife you love her. Tell you are sorry for all the times you nagged her, for any hurt you have caused with your words and that the reason you’ve done so is because you love her and are concerned for her health. Ask her if she wants to go to counselling to see if she can find an alternative reason".

Also, I suggest a visit to the doctor, their could be a medical reason for her weight gain, could be hormonal or anything.

And if you’re really worked up about it, suggest a lap band.
 
We do not know what this woman’s medical condition is. She may have some physical cause, she may be depressed. How many times do I have to say it? She needs to be treated kindly and her husband needs to help her get to the doctor to see if there is a cause for her to have gained up to 240 lbs. If she wants to lose weight, then he should encourage her to find support and to start slowly, and he should emphasize that he loves her AS SHE IS not point out that she used to be 120 lbs.

You either love someone through anything, or you don’t. What if he were ill and she decided he needed to make himself well or she’d separate from him?

We do not KNOW what this woman is going through. I am not going to label her as gluttonous and I don’t think anyone else should. We HAVE NO IDEA except what her husband has written.
 
I think that some of this conversation has gotten pretty unhelpful in general. I also think that constantly mentioning that since a woman in a wheelchair is able to keep her weight down, every other woman in the world can do it too is something of a red herring. I am partially disabled myself, not nearly so much as Marie, but I am motivated to keep my weight down to keep stress off deteriorating muscles in my legs and feet. It is a strong motivation, but irrelevant to this discussion.
I am 6’2", and 200 pounds on me is only slightly overweight, but we are assuming the op’s wife is somewhat shorter. I don’t recall seeing her height mentioned, but it can make quite a difference.
I think that what most people are taking issue with here is the attitude of the husband. He seems to be unloving, uncaring, and to have given up on the marriage long before posting here. That is not to say that it is okay to eat yourself into an early grave, but that a wife being quite heavy is not a license to stop loving her. A snoring spouse is a much bigger cross to bear than a fat one, but there are other, medical, steps that should have been taken to keep husband and wife in bed together where they belong. In general while the wife appears to need a motivational make-over the husband clearly needs to re-dedicate himself to his marriage and to his wife’s well being, emotionally as well as physically. Since we can only change ourselves, I think the advice directed toward him needs to be taken to heart, rather than focusing on the problems of a woman who hasn’t shared with us.
 
Eleanor61 said:
I think that some of this conversation has gotten pretty unhelpful in general. I also think that constantly mentioning that since a woman in a wheelchair is able to keep her weight down, every other woman in the world can do it too is something of a red herring. I am partially disabled myself, not nearly so much as Marie, but I am motivated to keep my weight down to keep stress off deteriorating muscles in my legs and feet. It is a strong motivation, but irrelevant to this discussion.
I am 6’2", and 200 pounds on me is only slightly overweight, but we are assuming the op’s wife is somewhat shorter. I don’t recall seeing her height mentioned, but it can make quite a difference.
I think that what most people are taking issue with here is the attitude of the husband. He seems to be unloving, uncaring, and to have given up on the marriage long before posting here. That is not to say that it is okay to eat yourself into an early grave, but that a wife being quite heavy is not a license to stop loving her. A snoring spouse is a much bigger cross to bear than a fat one, but there are other, medical, steps that should have been taken to keep husband and wife in bed together where they belong. In general while the wife appears to need a motivational make-over the husband clearly needs to re-dedicate himself to his marriage and to his wife’s well being, emotionally as well as physically. Since we can only change ourselves, I think the advice directed toward him needs to be taken to heart, rather than focusing on the problems of a woman who hasn’t shared with us.
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Weeee have a winner folks!!!

The man has mentally divorced his wife years ago. He stopped sharing a bed half a decade ago. They arent even roomates.

He needs to man up, buy earplugs, enjoy his wife and love her for who she is. Has the woman “let herself go?” maybe or maybe not. If she’s 5’1" then yes, but if she’s 5’10" shes really not that bad.

Still loss of consortiom…loss of affection…is a legally recognized part of a death payout. Right now this man woulf have to pay the insurance company.
 
Eleanor61 said:
I think that some of this conversation has gotten pretty unhelpful in general. I also think that constantly mentioning that since a woman in a wheelchair is able to keep her weight down, every other woman in the world can do it too is something of a red herring. I am partially disabled myself, not nearly so much as Marie, but I am motivated to keep my weight down to keep stress off deteriorating muscles in my legs and feet. It is a strong motivation, but irrelevant to this discussion.
I am 6’2", and 200 pounds on me is only slightly overweight, but we are assuming the op’s wife is somewhat shorter. I don’t recall seeing her height mentioned, but it can make quite a difference.
I think that what most people are taking issue with here is the attitude of the husband. He seems to be unloving, uncaring, and to have given up on the marriage long before posting here. That is not to say that it is okay to eat yourself into an early grave, but that a wife being quite heavy is not a license to stop loving her. A snoring spouse is a much bigger cross to bear than a fat one, but there are other, medical, steps that should have been taken to keep husband and wife in bed together where they belong. In general while the wife appears to need a motivational make-over the husband clearly needs to re-dedicate himself to his marriage and to his wife’s well being, emotionally as well as physically. Since we can only change ourselves, I think the advice directed toward him needs to be taken to heart, rather than focusing on the problems of a woman who hasn’t shared with us.
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Eleanor,
You indeed do make some very valid and pertinent thoughts as to what they factual, reality may be in this instance. Worthy of thought and perspective.

My only and one thought is this; if her struggle with obsetiy is legimtately medically based, then so be it. Her husband is need of a very serious attitude adjustment.

If however, her obesity is due to the sin of gluttony etc…then it’s her attitude that needs the adjustment…

and since we are talking human beings here…most likely its a combination of her attitude and his attitude that both need some re-finement…

But really, many people really CAN control their weight. It make not come off in a very past pace, but if I can take off large amounts of weight (and I have—over 80 lbs—)
most people can…

I really do get tired of the self-vicitimization that seems to infect our culture…

If the OP is wanting a size 4 wife—he is unjust…
If his wife is thinking that being a size 20or + is ok than she is lying to herself…

The truth and most Christ-like answer probably lies somewhere in the middle… 🙂
 
purplesunshine said:
Has the woman “let herself go?” maybe or maybe not. If she’s 5’1" then yes, but if she’s 5’10" shes really not that bad.
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Very valid observation—Is she 5’1" at 240#s or is she 5’10" or more at 240#s…

Is is possible she has let her self go?..Yep…
Is it possible her husband is being self-ish and thinking she should look like the cover of Cosmo?..Yep…that is also a valid question…
 
valoriuslobo said:
Why is it so bad that a man wants his woman to be healthy? I don’t get all this “accept me the way I am” women talk. Isn’t the Christian life about challenging each other and ourselves to be the best we can? is the best for a woman to be obese? Our bodies are the Spirit’s temple, so should women (and men!) who eat themselves into being corpulent be challenged to tend to that temple?

Sure, as a man I can say a Cindy Crawford type is good looking, but for the average woman, who a man loves, is it so much to ask to be healthy, NOT like a model as some women here have said?

Or are women in America’s lazy, I’m fat and that’s ok, McDonald’s culture just content to be big?
Click to expand...
I can’t believe the “America’s lazy, I’m fat and that’s ok, McDonald’s culture” comment. That was just mean-spirited and counter-productive, not to mention rash judgement against a woman you’ve never met. You don’t know that she isn’t very much lighter than she was after her* fifth* pregnancy. I know many women who put on weight during pregnancy and when their kids were little, and it is extremely difficult to take that weight off. Yet there are 250 lb women who have a good sex life and many men who snore whose wives have not been in a separate bedroom every night for 5 years. There is more to this picture than her weight, and more to this than “health.” If it were just about health, he wouldn’t be thinking separation.

More to the point, that is not the way people talk who are actually successful in helping themselves or others to lose weight. As for the “challenge” comment, you might just stop and think about how the Lord challenged the people he met. Who got the more stern “challenges”: the people who were committing sins of the flesh, or the people who were given over to pridefully thinking that their successes were their own doing? Hmmm?

Man or woman, you have to be practical about what keeps marriages together and what actually helps those who gain weight to lose it again and keep healthy afterward. The vast majority of American women who tip the scales over 200 lbs. get plenty of messages about how they’re failing at being attractive. They get plenty of messages about how bad it is for their health. They usually don’t lose the weight and get healthy without trying and failing miserably at least a few times first. What most don’t get is someone who will stick with them through what is very often a great many unsuccessful attempts that precede the one that finally works. Very sadly, they too often find this help after their divorces, not because they are ashamed of themselves, but because the divorce frees them of the primary person who was shaming them. What is so very sad is that their husbands may not have ever had any intention of shaming them at all. We are creatures who don’t read minds very well. When the communications break down in a marriage, messages still get through. They just aren’t messages that anyone meant to send. 😦

I don’t think the OP has any intention of hurting his wife. He wants his marriage to work, he wants her to be healthy, and her lack of success is frustrating to him, too. Of course it is! If he wants to help her make changes that are going to show up in her body, though, his best chance is to start with changes that will show up in the strength and depth of their friendship and her knowledge that he loves her no matter what. The knowledge of our unchangeable preciousness before God is the foundation upon which the care of the body rests, after all.

I am particularly concerned about this line in his first post “her lack of self control has spilled over into money management and a reluctance to discipline our children”. If she had never managed money well and never disciplined the children, that would be one thing. If she’s just giving up, that is a red flag that she has emotional issues of some kind that are tiring her out. I’m also very concerned about his feeling that “I don’t feel wanted as a husband, and have begun to feel like I represent little more than a steady paycheck to her”. Men need to feel loved, too, and couples who aren’t have sex have still been known to feel they are very much loved. A marriage in which both parties feel unwanted has more problems than weight alone.

I’m also concerned that the OP said that he, not they, had talked to a marriage counsellor, and that he was thinking of a separation…a separation that their way of dealing with the snoring issue has already started. That implies that he’s making marital decisions without his wife, which in turn implies that either he’s making decisions without having asked her to see the counsellor together with him or that the wife won’t come or won’t really talk during counselling, leaving him no recourse except to proceed without her as best as he can. Those aren’t body-weight red flags. Those are marriage red flags and red flags concerning the emotional health of both of them.

I’m hoping that re-kindling the friendship might re-kindle her interest in her life and in her husband and her gratitude and love for him. That friendship and the feeling it gives him for how his wife sees her own life at this point could put him in a position to motivate her without causing resentment. If that doesn’t work, I think he may be on ground that requires professional help to heal. In any event, I think that this is about a whole lot more than Big Macs.
 
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