Wrongfully treated by a priest

[Maxply]

Deborah: keep at it. You’ve got a lousy priest. (Such things happen!) I had a lousy priest when I was a younger teenager, and the interaction we had was the biggest factor in me stopping going to church for about 25 years. Just lousy. Talk to Catholics around your area, find a good guy, a solid priest who doesn’t do weird experiments with mass and who has an open ear and can listen: stay away from priests who just do the formal slam-bam.

The Catholic Church is a big tent. There are plenty of things in it, plenty of personalities, plenty of spiritual approaches, etc. There’s a place for you in it.

 

[Maxply]

I should mention, too, that, sure you can join an RCIA class. I did, even though I was confirmed. It’s a good brusher-up on the faith.

 

[jmcrae]

I should mention, too, that, sure you can join an RCIA class. I did, even though I was confirmed. It’s a good brusher-up on the faith.

It’s essential (as you already know, I’m sure) to keep in mind that the new converts come first in the classes - they ask the questions and initiate the conversations; people already Catholic keep quiet and listen, unless they are delegated as one of the Catechists or Sponsors - and that it is the new converts’ names that will be called out for Baptism, Confirmation, and First Holy Communion at the Easter Vigil.

 

[julie_butt]

Dear Deborah, The cross comes in many forms.As I see it you have two choices.I know you don"t want to leave the parish but there are very good priests in other parishes. Any Catholic Choir will accept you. This is very wrong for your sons formation to put up with this bad behaviour of this “priest”. If you don’t see Jesus in the man you will either bear the burden or find a true man of God to help in your spiritual formation and that of your son. God Bless you,Julie

 

[Elizabeth2]

Well, he sounds like a familiar personality type, you come off as weak, I don’t mean that as an insult, but the constant talk about how he hurts your feelings, cyring etc, there are some people, and it sound like your priest may be one of them, who view these things as weakness, and absolutly hate such behavior. I am NOT defening his behavior, I’m just telling you that he sounds like people I know, like when he said you should suffer more, that’s when it clicked, it sounds like he justifies his behavior by clocking it in some “lesson” he has to teach you.

Dead right. Not only hate such behaviour but take advantage of it to exert power over someone. Some people enjoy that. It’s a power trip. unfortunately. It’s hard to understand in a Christian, because it seems like they’ve missed the whole point of Christianity. We are clay vessels, fragile, weak. Our strength comes from God. Of ourselves we are nothing. All of us. It’s part of the human condition. And people who are strong in the Lord should remember where they have come from and how the Lord has been patient with them. It says that in Paul’s writings somewhere be patient and forgive others as God has forgiven you.
I think this has been one of the weaknesses of the Catholic Church that we don’t build our people up, we tear them down. Jesus didn’t mean for his Church to be that way. He said “Love one another as I have loved you.” We have a long way to go.

 

[Elizabeth2]

I reread your post "Deborah and I think I misread it the first time, it’s easy to read fast and jump to conclusions, and I’m not satisfied with my posting. In fact I would like to delete it. You said that the priest had been supportive in the beginning. It seems to me especially with your history, you should not be getting emotionally entangled with a priest. Dr Phil is very good talking about emotions, and he will tell you that you are responsible for them. If someone is hurting you it’s up to you to do something about it. If you know you are easily hurt then stay away from conflict. Don’t put yourself on the frontline. And also forgive. We pray in the Our Father “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.” It doesn’t mean you say that he hasn’t hurt you, you acknowledge the hurt and choose to forgive. Because that’s what Jesus wants us to do.
Also a priest is consecrated to God, he has taken sacred vows. As a Church we’ve lost a lot of our respect for priests, and we need to get it back. We’ve lost our respect for authority; lay people are not on an equal footing with a priest. We have to respect the authority of a priest for instance, in deciding who can be a Eucharistic Minister. There is no “right” to be a Eucharistic Minister. I would suggest getting involved in one of the organizations in the Parish and making some supportive, healthy relationships with other women in the Parish, and forget about the priest.

 

[MomaMary8]

Hi Deborah,

I am not trying to excuse the priest or anyone’s actions that you feel have been against you. I want to offer these words as advice to help you:

When a person has been significantly hurt such as you, forgiveness is hard to achieve. It can only be done with help of Our Lord. When you feel you are maligned or offended, and your depression is rising, think of our Lord. If you can’t put your words to formal prayer, simply uttering the name of Jesus is enough to give you strength. Ask Him for strengh to move away from the hurt feelings. Ask Him for stregnth to focus on His Passion, rather than your own.

Humility is a hard virtue to achieve. If we think we are humble, we most likely aren’t!! Part of setting pride aside and reaching for humility is not to take offense at others who are harming us. This is NOT to say what others are doing and saying are correct, BUT avoiding feeling offended at their offensive words and actions IS an exercise in our humility. It is a way of identifying with Our Lord and the humiliations that He suffered as he was scourged at the pillar. It wasn’t only whips, but words that struck Him as well.

As an outsider, reading your posts, it seems you are trying fix this situation yourself, fix the priest and his errors, by reporting him to the Bishop, etc. Perhaps Our Lord is giving you a different challenge? Not one of correcting other’s mistakes, but one that will increase your acceptance of Jesus’ Cross and a journey to Humility? Pride interfers with true forgivness and can mask itself in the desire to right the wrong doings of others. Don’t let the devil interfere with your spiritual growth by accepting the offenses. Turn them away and give them to God! Soon you’ll be able to join your suffering with Christ!

This has been a personal struggle of mine. As most arm chair counselors do, we give advice based on our personal struggles I hope I am not too off base here, but many things in your post struck me.

As for Agnos Theist’s remark: Prayers & councelling is never enough. Make sure you send that rapist priest to Jail.

Youll be doing humanity a great favor.

There is a need for just punishment, but adding to the victims’ responsibility is not always helpful. I found it much easier to focus on Our Lord by forgiving my assaulter rather than trying to fix the society and those around me. I cannot fix all the errors of the World, but only the ones in me (and perhaps a couple of my kids!! ) Victims should speak up when they are able to, but I do not believe they should be burdened with putting them all in jail. Sometimes, it is their calling to help others, sometimes, its not.
JMHO, again, from my perspective in life!

Mary

 

[Elizabeth2]

A very good resource for forgiveness I’ve found is a Cd by Jack Kornfield. He’s not a Catholic and I don’t think he’s even Christian. From what he says he seems to be coming from the Buddhist tradition. And his CDs deal with forgiveness on a pyschological level. We are psychological beings as well as spiritual, and the two impact each other. Good psychology and good spirituality go together, to make a whole person. If we try to be too spiritual and ignore our psychological side we can become very unbalanced.
He has a 2 CD set called Beginner’s forgiveness. I can’t remember the 2cnd CD but the first one is excellent. He tells stories about people who have gone through hard times and who have learned how to forgive. It makes for compelling listening. He speaks for instance about the Dalai Lama, who calls the Chinese: “My friend, the enemy.” he says he refuses to put them out of his heart. There are many stories of forgiveness in the secular world as well. I’m not sure if Nelson Mandela is a Christian or not, but he’s a good example of forgiveness. He was imprisoned for something like 17 years and had no bitterness towards those who imprisoned him. It’s good to hear stories of others who have managed to forgive those who have wronged them. It gives you strength and encouragement.

 

[under_his_wing]

I have been hurt twice by the Catholic church…as a teenager and as an adult, but I won’t let it effect my faith in God. The Catholic church is a beautiful faith where we worship God using all our senses and the faith in God not man is what matters to me and keeps me from leaving again. I pray for this priest everyday.
Deborah

I praise God for that attitude. God be with you.

 

[quiet52]

During a very difficult time in my life, I sought counseling from a pastor. His counsel was hurtful, inappropriate and simply wrong, and I was hurt, angry, disillusioned, etc… At the time, it seemed the only reason I continued to attend Mass was because I’m a mother.

I made a decision to forgive that pastor, however, and gradually was able to. I looked for the good in him. He was very imperfect, but we all are. But he confected the Eucharist, he administered the other sacraments, and he ministered to many people properly. We need our priests, even those we personally dislike. If I’d retained the resentment I felt toward him, I’d just have burdened myself, rather than learn to appreciate attending Mass and participating in the parish.

Do what you can to serve the Lord and your parish (or another parish) Deborah. In the meantime, work on forgiving the priest.

 

[Layman]

Even a cranky priest can be a vehicle for Grace. People expect too much from them. All I want is from mine is to administer the Sacraments properly and keep himself righteous in the eyes of God. They are expected to be psychiatrists and social workers as well, these days, and that’s too much, I think.

If you have trouble with one, consider it as a way of learning humility. Even a bad spiritual mentor has valuable lessons to teach.

As other posters suggest, you can also attend another Parish. I’ve done that, as there’s a Latin Mass in the next parish.

If the priest is deviating from specific Catholic doctrine, write to the Bishop, and leave it at that. You can also have a quiet, respectful word with the priest concerned. Understand, he probably gets a lot of that, so keep it cool and polite.

I had a notion to become a priest as a lad. What put me off, in part, was the notion of having cranks and dear old ladies bending my ear morning noon and night because, hey!, a priest is a nice, ‘safe’ man who has to listen to their petty concerns, unlike their husbands(!)

If the priest is fasting, and is overworked, you can forgive them having a short fuse. He is also being attacked by the Devil, by virtue of his office.

If you are already active in the parish, the priest was within his rights to refuse you more responsibility. If you are already a Catholic, then attending a course for new converts in unnecessary.

 

[Deborah_Kloos]

You are right. I have joined a new parish and try to be extra kind to the priests there. I give them gifts and pray for them everyday because they are a gift to us.

 

[ERNIE_GALLANT]

Keep in mind that there is only one perfect part of the Church and that is the Spiritual part, the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit…The other part is the human element which is made up of all of us to include the priests, bishops, etc…All of us humans fall short of the glory of God and are sinners…I have had my run-ins with some priests, a couple bishops, and Cardinal Law…After six months of counseling (6 hours a week), I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t and didn’t want to forgive some of these sexual abusers and/or enablers, so I told God I could not honestly say I wanted to forgive them, and I asked God if He would take these sinners on for me and deal with them Himself…This has been very helpful for me…I hope this helps some of you…ErnieG

 

[Deborah_Kloos]

Keep in mind that there is only one perfect part of the Church and that is the Spiritual part, the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit…The other part is the human element which is made up of all of us to include the priests, bishops, etc…All of us humans fall short of the glory of God and are sinners…I have had my run-ins with some priests, a couple bishops, and Cardinal Law…After six months of counseling (6 hours a week), I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t and didn’t want to forgive some of these sexual abusers and/or enablers, so I told God I could not honestly say I wanted to forgive them, and I asked God if He would take these sinners on for me and deal with them Himself…This has been very helpful for me…I hope this helps some of you…ErnieG

 

[Deborah_Kloos]

I know that God is ultimately the One who will be our judge. It is not up to us, although as human beings we have our periods of anger toward those who hurt us. I think in that case, the best thing we could do is pray for the person who hurt us like Jesus asked us to and leave the judgement up to God. It just really hurt me alot when the priest sexually abused me and when the other priest years later said some hurtful things to me. I used to place the priests on a sort of pedestal, which really devastated me when they did not meet those standards, but I have learned now. I think it must be very difficult for priests to be looked up to like they are on a pedestal, instead of just being human beings who fall short of God too. It is difficult to always be under scrutiny of people. It is also very difficult to have a huge parish and always be pulled in 10 different directions because one person can’t meet everyone’s needs. I can see how sometimes the priests must get burnt out. I get burnt out sometimes, as a nurse, but I can go home after 12 hours. The parish priest can get paged all hours of the night to give the Sacrament of the Sick. I am not excusing those who hurt me, because there is still was no excuse for them to hurt me, but now I just leave it in the Lord’s hands and pray for them. The priest who sexually abused me passed away, so I lit candles for him at the church, dedicated a mass for him, and also purchased a Perpetual mass card for him and sent it to the Bishop as a sign of love and forgiveness… I still have periods of depression and anger, but it has lessened a lot since I forgave those who hurt me. Jesus knew this when he said to pray for those who hurt you, turn the other cheek, and love your enemies. When you do this it releases a heavy burden from your heart and it helps you become a stronger more loving person.

 

[reff]

Deborah I applaud you for your strong willpower to overcome these devastating experiences in your life. Just remember that Our Lord, and Blessed Mother, and all the Saints are looking down at you with big smiles seeing you returning to God’s Church.

 

[Lily_Valley]

Dear Deborah Kloos,

       I admire your spunk. You returned to the Church with vigor. Don't let any priest ever turn you away from Christ and His Church again dear friend. I understand all the things you are talking about, some of them first hand.

     Although my return to the church was quite different than yours I too have suffered at the hands of "some" priests for the ten years since I came back. Not anything sexual, but verbal abuse and insults aimed at me during homilies. That way they can deny everything if I were to ever accuse them of anything. So they are not only mean, they are cowards. I pray for their conversion. I have another issue with some of them too but it is for God alone to sort that one out.
     Part of the problem Deborah is that you want to be a good Catholic. Some priests become very careless about their faith when they have been in their own parishes for many years, and they also end up becoming pretty puffed up. All that authority and a sense of importance really corrupts some of them. 
      The good news is that there are many many holy priests everywhere. They are in large parishes, and small parishes. My experience has shown me that sometimes the holiest priests are growing in the small parishes that are hidden. You never hear about them around the diocese. They are never written up in the Catholic newspapers. But... they are growing in holiness, hidden from the eyes of everyone except God, and their own parishioners. 
       My Mom faught against heresies in the Church and heretical priests, and she had priests literally refuse to give her communion when she went up the aisle during Mass. Whenever a lay person intent on being holy, meets up with a renegade priest, there is always a lot of suffering involved for the lay person. My Mom knew her share of suffering because of priests (nothing sexual either) and I have known mine. And now you are experiencing yours. I assure you that when my mother died, she died a very holy death, she suffered a lot, but grace surrounded her like a halo. Knowing her, she probably offered up all that suffering at death for all the priests who had made her life a living hell. Now that's love. 
      I think you should look after the state of your own soul and that of your sons as a number one priority. Despite any inconvenience I would not attend that parish where you are being verbally and emotionally abused by the priest, and where he is setting a bad example for your son. It is better to go to Sunday Mass "only", each week and travel to another church in your area with a good priest, than it is to go to daily Mass in a terrible parish. 
      I have come to the conclusion that now a days almost everyone who wants to attain holiness is going to have to suffer in some way at the hands of bad priests.(Even other priests). Because unfortunately they are everywhere. But like I said, there are also holy priests everywhere too. Just find one, and plant yourself at his side. He will lead you to Heaven.  All the best to you and your son. I love the sacraments too, but some days I need to avoid Mass and verbally abusive priests just to save my sanity, and my emotional health. If that goes, what will I have left?
     And by the way, I have been accused of being self centered too, along with a huge list other insults. Too many to even remember, but it is a very long list I can assure you. Just because they say it does not make it true. Amen

 

[RWMorris]

Deborah,
I am very impressed with how you have handled this difficult situation. Seems as though you are determined to live a righteous, forgiving life. May we all learn from your experiences!
Lissa

 

[mommyof4]

Deborah,
I am very impressed with how you have handled this difficult situation. Seems as though you are determined to live a righteous, forgiving life. May we all learn from your experiences!
Lissa

I was thinking the same thing!

 

[Black_Angel]

Watching EWTN one time and the guest was a Priest that had been abused by a Priest when he was a child. He said closure will only come when you can forgive!