26 year old Millennial Catholic who lives with parents in spite of having a degree. Should I even try to date someone?

[Xantippe]

See I guess I see being positive as being too confident in myself.

It’s much less work for other people.

Also, if you do want to be a teacher, you need to have a lot of confidence. You need to be able to convince kids that you know you’re stuff, you know what you’re doing, and you’re not scared of them. Even if you don’t become a teacher, you will need the same skills (to a lesser extent) with your future kids and also with your future wife.

Don’t be fake, but put your best foot forward.

 

[nocoastlayman]

It comes off as self-absorption is all.

Also, down the road, when you have a wife, it’s going to be a huge burden on her to be propping your fragile psyche up all the time.

You sound like a lot of work.

Do your future wife and family a favor and start doing some necessary psychological repairs. You need to be stronger for your future family.

Well maybe i’m too much work. The problem is though that I guess I just say this stuff on here as like a sounding board. In all honesty i’m pretty tough. I go to my job and be cheerful and try to do the best I can. My worry is though that my life will never get started. And not to make excuses but a lot of this comes from me being laid off in the last month from my first real job. I lived on my own and took care of myself and did pretty well. I even had a relationship. And even though it didn’t work out, it was more because we just didn’t feel right for each other in spite of having a lot of things in common. Maybe i’m a lot of work and maybe i’m not but honestly its been a rough month. I’m sorry if i’ve been melodramatic. IRL I just put my big boy boots on and deal with it. But I have these thoughts rolling around and I guess i’m always worrying.

I bet I still sound crazy to you Xanthippe but thanks and God Bless.

 

[nocoastlayman]

It’s much less work for other people.

Also, if you do want to be a teacher, you need to have a lot of confidence. You need to be able to convince kids that you know you’re stuff, you know what you’re doing, and you’re not scared of them. Even if you don’t become a teacher, you will need the same skills (to a lesser extent) with your future kids and also with your future wife.

Don’t be fake, but put your best foot forward.

So here’s my last point and then I need some sleep. What if my lack of confidence is Gods way of saying I shouldn’t have kids or any real stressful job. Sometimes people are just born too sensitive or whatever for this world. It happens. Just like some people are born with disabilities. Maybe i’m just in a sense “disabled” and should just live out my life in a chaste manner and that’s it. In all honesty most people want to be married but not all can. I know a poor girl with Downs who really wants to be married but sadly she probably won’t be able too. Sad as it is life just takes acceptance of our crosses.

 

[JimG]

So here’s my last point and then I need some sleep. What if my lack of confidence is Gods way of saying I shouldn’t have kids or any real stressful job. Sometimes people are just born too sensitive or whatever for this world. It happens. Just like some people are born with disabilities. Maybe i’m just in a sense “disabled” and should just live out my life in a chaste manner and that’s it. In all honesty most people want to be married but not all can. I know a poor girl with Downs who really wants to be married but sadly she probably won’t be able too. Sad as it is life just takes acceptance of our crosses.

No. Confidence can be acquired. Lack of confidence is not unusual but it can be overcome. Everything in life is not God’s problem. It is ours to figure out and to overcome.

 

[ack]

Well maybe i’m too much work. The problem is though that I guess I just say this stuff on here as like a sounding board. In all honesty i’m pretty tough.

But it’s much easier to reveal our true thoughts online, in a way that’s sometimes difficult in real life. Given your posts, I think some self-improvement is in order. Strive to make measurable progress every year, and grow in either confidence or self-awareness. It’s hard to see yourself progressing as it happens, but if you look back at how you were 2 or 3 years ago, you should get to a point where you can see it.

Sometimes people are just born too sensitive or whatever for this world. It happens. Just like some people are born with disabilities. Maybe i’m just in a sense “disabled” and should just live out my life in a chaste manner and that’s it. In all honesty most people want to be married but not all can.

I would give it at least 15 more years before coming to that conclusion. There are guys in my social circle who married for the first time at 40. It might be easier for men to do that than women.

For some people, marrying late is much, much better than marrying early.

 

[Lorelei12]

My worry is though that my life will never get started. And not to make excuses but a lot of this comes from me being laid off in the last month from my first real job. I lived on my own and took care of myself and did pretty well. I even had a relationship. And even though it didn’t work out, it was more because we just didn’t feel right for each other in spite of having a lot of things in common.

Being laid off is hard. I know- I was laid off while on maternity leave and am now unemployed, and my husband spent a period of time unemployed after being laid off too. You’re in a tough situation, and it sounds like moving back in with your parents was what you had to do. I think anyone you dated would find that responsible, especially since you were on your own and went back.

From what I gather, you have a part time job? Are you collecting unemployment benefits? In my state, there are a lot of programs (some required and some not) to help people get back into the workforce. There are work-ready programs, where you learn job related skills, there are apprenticeship programs, there are people and websites who can help you figure out a career path if you’re not sure what you want to do- and a lot more. My state isn’t one of the best regarded in terms of social programs, so where you live you might have even more available to you.

I know that you are in school right now, but if you were laid off you should be able to receive benefits and avail yourself of these programs. It sounds like you don’t want to teach, so is there a reason you’re continuing in your program despite that? You could always take a leave of absence while you figure it out. It sounds like, in addition to working on esteem (which a good counselor can help with) you need to choose a direction that you can be okay with, even if you don’t love it.

 

[pianistclare]

See I guess I see being positive as being too confident in myself. I don’t want to be the guy who thinks he’s all that but isn’t. I don’t want to be a jerk. Its not like i’m some guy who thinks "oh i’m so terrible " its more like I know my own strengths and weaknesses. Sadly some people don’t have many strengths. Honestly i’m average when it comes down to it. I don’t like to toot my own horn. Whats wrong with a little modesty?

That’s not modesty.

 

[Xantippe]

The unemployment is the big thing to deal with.

Nobody can think clearly while unemployed.

Well maybe i’m too much work. The problem is though that I guess I just say this stuff on here as like a sounding board. In all honesty i’m pretty tough. I go to my job and be cheerful and try to do the best I can. My worry is though that my life will never get started. And not to make excuses but a lot of this comes from me being laid off in the last month from my first real job. I lived on my own and took care of myself and did pretty well. I even had a relationship. And even though it didn’t work out, it was more because we just didn’t feel right for each other in spite of having a lot of things in common. Maybe i’m a lot of work and maybe i’m not but honestly its been a rough month. I’m sorry if i’ve been melodramatic. IRL I just put my big boy boots on and deal with it. But I have these thoughts rolling around and I guess i’m always worrying.

I bet I still sound crazy to you Xanthippe but thanks and God Bless.

 

[Xantippe]

I would give it at least 15 more years before coming to that conclusion. There are guys in my social circle who married for the first time at 40. It might be easier for men to do that than women.

For some people, marrying late is much, much better than marrying early.

Yes, it is normal for “late bloomers” to marry later.

 

[Xantippe]

Being laid off is hard. I know- I was laid off while on maternity leave and am now unemployed, and my husband spent a period of time unemployed after being laid off too. You’re in a tough situation, and it sounds like moving back in with your parents was what you had to do. I think anyone you dated would find that responsible, especially since you were on your own and went back.

From what I gather, you have a part time job? Are you collecting unemployment benefits? In my state, there are a lot of programs (some required and some not) to help people get back into the workforce. There are work-ready programs, where you learn job related skills, there are apprenticeship programs, there are people and websites who can help you figure out a career path if you’re not sure what you want to do- and a lot more. My state isn’t one of the best regarded in terms of social programs, so where you live you might have even more available to you.

I know that you are in school right now, but if you were laid off you should be able to receive benefits and avail yourself of these programs. It sounds like you don’t want to teach, so is there a reason you’re continuing in your program despite that? You could always take a leave of absence while you figure it out. It sounds like, in addition to working on esteem (which a good counselor can help with) you need to choose a direction that you can be okay with, even if you don’t love it.

Yeah.

If you are determined not to teach, don’t take out additional debt for a master’s degree.

I personally think it’s possible you may be able to teach but not at the high school level.

My husband (a college professor) was recently teaching a summer enrichment course to some middle school and high school students. He noted that there was a huge difference between the middle school and high school students. The high school students were intellectually capable of doing a lot more, but (and this is very important), it was much more important to get off on the right foot and impress them (which as you know is very unnatural for a self-effacing person). My husband, as a college professor, had never faced this problem–his college students come pre-impressed.

So, I suspect you might find middle school a better gig.

My dad (who has an MA in math and bailed out of K-12 math teaching years ago), says that 5th and 6th grade are the best grades to teach. They’re very responsible and capable, yet they’re still mostly respectful–they know they’re still kids, but they don’t require the sort of management that little kids do. My dad now teaches community college math with a lot of non-traditional students. I have to warn you, it is not a living! But it is a very enjoyable paying hobby for him, and he’s pushing 70, so at this point, he doesn’t need to do anything he doesn’t want to.

There’s also overseas English and adult education to think about.

So, I’m not saying to bail on your degree, but if you are 100% sure you’re not doing any kind of teaching, it probably would be a good idea. However, there are a number of different kinds of teaching.

 

[pianistclare]

Yeah.

If you are determined not to teach, don’t take out additional debt for a master’s degree.

I personally think it’s possible you may be able to teach but not at the high school level.

My husband (a college professor) was recently teaching a summer enrichment course to some middle school and high school students. He noted that there was a huge difference between the middle school and high school students. The high school students were intellectually capable of doing a lot more, but (and this is very important), it was much more important to get off on the right foot and impress them (which as you know is very unnatural for a self-effacing person). My husband, as a college professor, had never faced this problem–his college students come pre-impressed.

So, I suspect you might find middle school a better gig.

My dad (who has an MA in math and bailed out of K-12 math teaching years ago), says that 5th and 6th grade are the best grades to teach. They’re very responsible and capable, yet they’re still mostly respectful–they know they’re still kids, but they don’t require the sort of management that little kids do. My dad now teaches community college math with a lot of non-traditional students. I have to warn you, it is not a living! But it is a very enjoyable paying hobby for him, and he’s pushing 70, so at this point, he doesn’t need to do anything he doesn’t want to.

There’s also overseas English and adult education to think about.

So, I’m not saying to bail on your degree, but if you are 100% sure you’re not doing any kind of teaching, it probably would be a good idea. However, there are a number of different kinds of teaching.

Those are great points.
Europe is FULL of private schools and prep schools. Joe taught in one in the UK and said that only one kid gave him any trouble, and the others kids took care of it on his behalf.

Also, people in Europe don’t worry so much about time frames for marriage anymore, like we do in the States. We as a country, have acculturated ourselves with television and various celebrity notions of age appropriateness. It’s appropriate when you find the appropriate person. Not a day sooner.

Young girls go through this as well, believing that if they don’t go to prom, they’ll be a spinster. I had a woman in my choir that said she’s just die if she didn’t have a child before she turned 30. And she’s a Doctor! But she thought her clock was ticking WAYYYYY too fast for her liking. Her hubs was fine to see what happened. They eventually had 2 lovely children and divorced. Timelines and preconceived notions (no pun intended) will mess up all aspects of your life. Being open to God’s will and where life takes you is a more tolerable way to live.

Again, marriage is right when you find the right person. Not a day sooner.
And it’s not a day that we can note ahead of time on any calendar.

 

[ack]

Given your posts, I think some self-improvement is in order. Strive to make measurable progress every year, and grow in either confidence or self-awareness. It’s hard to see yourself progressing as it happens, but if you look back at how you were 2 or 3 years ago, you should get to a point where you can see it.

The “mental problem” in your family that you referred to is autism, right?

If things don’t seem to be working out for you socially and emotionally, I would consider the possibility that you’re somewhere on the autism spectrum yourself. It very much runs in families.

If I was right, this would be a good thing, not a bad thing, because people with autism-related social issues can, and do improve over the long term – as opposed issues more rooted in personality which are much harder to deal with.

Nobody would be able to tell if this is the case without interacting with you in person, but if it is, you probably will need to take emotional self-improvement seriously, because it won’t get any better without working on it. Dating won’t solve anything.

 

[nocoastlayman]

Being laid off is hard. I know- I was laid off while on maternity leave and am now unemployed, and my husband spent a period of time unemployed after being laid off too. You’re in a tough situation, and it sounds like moving back in with your parents was what you had to do. I think anyone you dated would find that responsible, especially since you were on your own and went back.

From what I gather, you have a part time job? Are you collecting unemployment benefits? In my state, there are a lot of programs (some required and some not) to help people get back into the workforce. There are work-ready programs, where you learn job related skills, there are apprenticeship programs, there are people and websites who can help you figure out a career path if you’re not sure what you want to do- and a lot more. My state isn’t one of the best regarded in terms of social programs, so where you live you might have even more available to you.

I know that you are in school right now, but if you were laid off you should be able to receive benefits and avail yourself of these programs. It sounds like you don’t want to teach, so is there a reason you’re continuing in your program despite that? You could always take a leave of absence while you figure it out. It sounds like, in addition to working on esteem (which a good counselor can help with) you need to choose a direction that you can be okay with, even if you don’t love it.

Its not that I don’t want to teach but I guess find the right situation. Also my mom said that she “didn’t raise me to be a quitter” and while she supports whatever I do. I don’t think she’d like it if I just said “I quit”. Plus education degrees are pretty much toilet paper IMHO. Sadly people really do think teachers “can’t do”

 

[1ke]

Plus education degrees are pretty much toilet paper IMHO.

Well that’s a bold statement.

 

[1ke]

You refer repeatedly to your anxiety issues, lack of social skills, lack of meaningful job, and other inadequacies (real or perceived).

None of those things is attractive in a potential mate. You need to focus on getting professional assistance to work through whatever anxiety and social issues you have because those must come first before establishing a relationship with another.

 

[JimG]

The best self help book I ever read is Larry Winget’s “Shut Up, Stop Whining, and Get a Life.” It’s worth a read, and it will make Larry a little bit richer.

 

[EasterJoy]

…Rather than complain or cry like a big fat baby i’ll just take what God gives me…

Why aren’t you asking what you can give God?

I’d suggest you do a Strong Interest Inventory, and get some kind of a handle on what jobs might suit your temperament. Teaching is hard, education students know it, but it is still a shock to find out how hard it is. In your shoes, I’d want to know if my temperament was or was not similar to those who have eventually found teaching to be very rewarding. With that information in hand, you’ll be less on “quit” or “don’t quit” and more in “for me, forward is in this direction.”

 

[EasterJoy]

You refer repeatedly to your anxiety issues, lack of social skills, lack of meaningful job, and other inadequacies (real or perceived).

None of those things is attractive in a potential mate. You need to focus on getting professional assistance to work through whatever anxiety and social issues you have because those must come first before establishing a relationship with another.

Self-confidence comes from being convinced you can succeed at what you’re trying to do. You’re right–it does *not *come from rehearsing what you can’t do. Nobody can do everything. Even those who are drenched with talent have to make some choices, because choosing to be good at something always means choosing not to do something else. If you have something you can do, then you’re good. The things you can’t do are irrelevant.

 

[JimG]

I believe that self confidence is gained by repeatedly doing things that you are afraid to do. And employers value confidence more than competence.

 

[Xantippe]

Again, marriage is right when you find the right person. Not a day sooner.
And it’s not a day that we can note ahead of time on any calendar.

Right!