26 year old Millennial Catholic who lives with parents in spite of having a degree. Should I even try to date someone?

[Xantippe]

The “mental problem” in your family that you referred to is autism, right?

If things don’t seem to be working out for you socially and emotionally, I would consider the possibility that you’re somewhere on the autism spectrum yourself. It very much runs in families.

If I was right, this would be a good thing, not a bad thing, because people with autism-related social issues can, and do improve over the long term – as opposed issues more rooted in personality which are much harder to deal with.

Nobody would be able to tell if this is the case without interacting with you in person, but if it is, you probably will need to take emotional self-improvement seriously, because it won’t get any better without working on it. Dating won’t solve anything.

Right.

An adult on the autism spectrum should expect to be a late bloomer. And, as ack says, it is quite possible for there to be steady social improvement well into adulthood, if the effort is put in.

 

[Lorelei12]

Its not that I don’t want to teach but I guess find the right situation. Also my mom said that she “didn’t raise me to be a quitter” and while she supports whatever I do. I don’t think she’d like it if I just said “I quit”. Plus education degrees are pretty much toilet paper IMHO. Sadly people really do think teachers “can’t do”

If you think education degrees are “toilet paper”, why pursue an advanced education degree? If you’re in school for a Master’s in Special Education, I think you should be fairly certain that this is really what you want to do. Spending more time and money (when you’re already deep in debt) on something you’re unsure about seems unwise.

Also- it doesn’t really matter what your mother thinks you should do. Unless she is paying for your education, whether you leave the program or not is your decision, not anyone else’s. You’re putting too much weight on what your mother thinks- you even said earlier:

My mom’s a teacher and she encouraged me to do whatever but sadly I have this strange feeling that she’d love me more if I was a teacher and I thought since she was successful at it i’d be good at it.

There’s too much at stake to be doing it for your mother. If you really want it, that’s one thing, but if you’re wasting time and money on a career to please your mom, it’s not going to make you happy.

 

[EasterJoy]

I believe that self confidence is gained by repeatedly doing things that you are afraid to do. And employers value confidence more than competence.

Ummm…kind of. If there is anyone you would never hire in a million years, it is the pilot who has lots of confidence but is a little spotty in the competence arena.

Having said that, in most areas of life where mistakes don’t literally kill you, the norm is to learn by being willing to make mistakes. You cannot learn a language, for instance, without making mistakes. If you’re afraid to make mistakes, you’ll never learn a second language. It pays to know whether making mistakes is the price of learning or if you have to learn by making your learning mistakes in safe settings.

 

[JimG]

Ummm…kind of. If there is anyone you would never hire in a million years, it is the pilot who has lots of confidence but is a little spotty in the competence arena.

Having said that, in most areas of life where mistakes don’t literally kill you, the norm is to learn by being willing to make mistakes. You cannot learn a language, for instance, without making mistakes. If you’re afraid to make mistakes, you’ll never learn a second language. It pays to know whether making mistakes is the price of learning or if you have to learn by making your learning mistakes in safe settings.

I was thinking more of social skills such as public speaking or interacting with people, but even more technical jobs require confidence. The employer can teach competence. Even a pilot who excels in the flight simulator can be a disaster in the cockpit if he relies so much on instruments that he forgets that he’s responsible for flying the plane—and this has in fact led to several air disasters.

I’ve applied for and obtained more than several jobs over the years wherein I had no idea what I was doing until after the first day, even jobs that required a move to a new city. Most jobs are learned by doing. I’ve talked to other liberal arts graduates who commented along the lines of “who knew I would be doing this?” That doesn’t mean the degree was worthless; it prepared them to figure things out on their own. I hope that is still true.

 

[styrgwillidar]

… Even a pilot who excels in the flight simulator can be a disaster in the cockpit if he relies so much on instruments that he forgets that he’s responsible for flying the plane—and this has in fact led to several air disasters.

Automation. If he relies on automation too much or doesn’t understand what the instruments are telling him-- he can be a disaster. Or as one of my first military flight instructors put it:

• Faith in God
• Faith in the instruments
• Faith in yourself

In that order…

 

[nocoastlayman]

Right.

An adult on the autism spectrum should expect to be a late bloomer. And, as ack says, it is quite possible for there to be steady social improvement well into adulthood, if the effort is put in.

Sadly though a lot of people in the world still think Autism=Retarded. Yes it isn’t true but people still believe it. My brother’s boss he worked with even told my mom that he “didn’t think a mentally challenged person could handle the job.” There’s still a stigma with it. Sadly he just gets disability now which I find dehumanizing. Nothing says your valued like getting a check because you can’t do anything else (my brother has the same sentiments. He wants to work but sadly people are just ignorant.)

And not to say I don’t have autism but in all honesty I’ve been tested for it and at least in childhood there wasn’t anything that put me on the spectrum. Now yes I might have a little more of an Aspie mindset but honestly I think its more of my anxiety. Honestly I love people and love going out to parties and I think I was just made socially awkward because of bullying an because I just didn’t fit in. It does no good to look at a person who’s just a little awkward and say “oh he has autism”. I probably don’t. But even if I do I wouldn’t want really think it was a disorder because in all honesty I’m just like everyone else. How many other millennials are struggling? Lots. And like I mentioned I lost my job. Sadly I think a lot of people might register on the mental illness scale a month after a job loss.

I guess I’m feeling pretty good today simply because I’m actually hanging out with some friends and feel a little more normal.

 

[Lamentation]

Would it change things if it wasn’t so much doing so out of happiness but just “Oh well I guess this is just what life is?”

You really don’t have a fair way to know unless you try. Besides, my own personal thought on the matter is that one looks for peace, not so much happiness (though they tend to coincide in the long run).

 

[Xantippe]

Come to think of it, there’s a book by Rabbi Lapin called “Thou Shall Prosper” that you might benefit from reading.

There are some woowoo bits and Rabbi Lapin has a full-throated enthusiasm for money and business that is alien to the Catholic ear, but he makes a lot of good points that you might benefit from.

–We earn money by serving others. The fact that people pay us demonstrates that they value our efforts.

–Business creates personal relationships and interdependence.

–Work is good for us and is meaningful.

The book is centered around 10 “commandments,” one per chapter. See here:

rabbidaniellapin.com/productprofile.php?id=6

If you figure out how to serve your fellow man and get paid for it, 80% of your battle will be won.

Best wishes!

 

[JimG]

Automation. If he relies on automation too much or doesn’t understand what the instruments are telling him-- he can be a disaster. Or as one of my first military flight instructors put it:

• Faith in God
• Faith in the instruments
• Faith in yourself

In that order…

Thanks for that. I wonder if military flight instructors are allowed to emphasize faith in God anymore! In any case, if a commercial pilot is in a stall and doesn’t seem to realize it, he’d better figure it out real quick and know how to get out of the stall. Faith in God will not save him in that case!

 

[nocoastlayman]

Why aren’t you asking what you can give God?

I’d suggest you do a Strong Interest Inventory, and get some kind of a handle on what jobs might suit your temperament. Teaching is hard, education students know it, but it is still a shock to find out how hard it is. In your shoes, I’d want to know if my temperament was or was not similar to those who have eventually found teaching to be very rewarding. With that information in hand, you’ll be less on “quit” or “don’t quit” and more in “for me, forward is in this direction.”

My fear is what if i’m not good at anything except being some lazy lowly burger flipper or grocery checker or some loser on welfare? Then do I just accept that i’ll just be making minimum wage and living with mom until i’m 40? I’m worried that i’m just not mentally fit to have any sort of good job. Sadly mental illness is filled with a lot of stigma. It doesn’t matter if I think I could handle it. Sadly people would just interview me and think " he has problems" and not be sympathetic. Not that I want sympathy but I guess I worry i’m just destined to be a loser. But then again God calls us to be faithful and not successful and I guess i’ll just be the faithful minimum wage earner barely scraping by. At least i don’t live in nepal or something which I guess makes me blessed. I guess I just have to accept the cross of having the world think i’m a loser. Maybe i’ll get my reward after suffering here on earth

 

[EasterJoy]

My fear is what if i’m not good at anything except being some lazy lowly burger flipper or grocery checker or some loser on welfare? Then do I just accept that i’ll just be making minimum wage and living with mom until i’m 40? I’m worried that i’m just not mentally fit to have any sort of good job. Sadly mental illness is filled with a lot of stigma. It doesn’t matter if I think I could handle it. Sadly people would just interview me and think " he has problems" and not be sympathetic. Not that I want sympathy but I guess I worry i’m just destined to be a loser. But then again God calls us to be faithful and not successful and I guess i’ll just be the faithful minimum wage earner barely scraping by. At least i don’t live in nepal or something which I guess makes me blessed. I guess I just have to accept the cross of having the world think i’m a loser. Maybe i’ll get my reward after suffering here on earth

Well, first off, people who work the back in restaurants and in grocery stores quite often work their hind ends off and find they’re managers of something in a few years. Never look down on someone who is doing work worth doing and never look down on someone who gets public assistance as if you have some way of knowing they don’t deserve it.

Neither should you look down on your degree–how would you have any education at all, excepting for all the people with education degrees who taught you and accepted a lower standard of living than they could have had if they didn’t love and make sacrifices for kids like you? When you talk about education degrees and the people who have them, show some respect! You owe people with education degrees a debt of gratitude–not just for yourself, but for all of the doctors and lawyers and so-called “successful” people who would not be where they are at all, except a lot of people with education degrees made sacrifices for them when they were in K-12 and a lot of people making less than they do in law enforcement kept them safe, and other people raised their food and processed it and hauled it to the grocery store and built their houses and hung the drywall…and I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture.

I don’t think you are the ungrateful sort. I think you are literally dis-couraged. Get some help to find the courage you need to look for the course to follow now. Don’t look down on anyone, not just because “but for the grace of God, there go I,” but because the world is full of people making other lives better and getting very little respect for it. The world is full of people getting contempt who need compassion, too. That is what a Christian ought to be bringing into this world–compassion, mercy, gratitude, love!!

That does not come from thin air. It comes from allowing God to look on you with mercy and love, just as you are. Compassion for yourself and gratitude for all the giving people in your life allows you to have compassion and gratitude for others, and those two things will make you a bit less afraid of “failing.”

Mainly, though, find someone to help you find your courage. You are young, you have talent and the capacity to work, you have a support system–you have a lot of reason to go out and take some chances. Get some help to sort that out. God did not mean for us to be alone, and we get very miserable very fast when we forget that, OK? You can do this. Find someone to help you remember that. It is OK to need that. We all do.

 

[EasterJoy]

Sadly though a lot of people in the world still think Autism=Retarded. Yes it isn’t true but people still believe it. My brother’s boss he worked with even told my mom that he “didn’t think a mentally challenged person could handle the job.” There’s still a stigma with it. Sadly he just gets disability now which I find dehumanizing. Nothing says your valued like getting a check because you can’t do anything else (my brother has the same sentiments. He wants to work but sadly people are just ignorant.)

And not to say I don’t have autism but in all honesty I’ve been tested for it and at least in childhood there wasn’t anything that put me on the spectrum. Now yes I might have a little more of an Aspie mindset but honestly I think its more of my anxiety. Honestly I love people and love going out to parties and I think I was just made socially awkward because of bullying an because I just didn’t fit in. It does no good to look at a person who’s just a little awkward and say “oh he has autism”. I probably don’t. But even if I do I wouldn’t want really think it was a disorder because in all honesty I’m just like everyone else. How many other millennials are struggling? Lots. And like I mentioned I lost my job. Sadly I think a lot of people might register on the mental illness scale a month after a job loss.

I guess I’m feeling pretty good today simply because I’m actually hanging out with some friends and feel a little more normal.

The world is learning about autism. When people know more, they’ll do better. Who knows, you may be one of the ones who teaches the world the truth when it was believing the myths! You need to go out into the world to do that, though.

I’m glad you’re hanging out with your friends and feeling normal. That is the thing to do when you feel depressed–spend time with your friends, get out and do things. Lay off alcohol, though. Don’t ever use alcohol or anything else to self-medicate for difficult feelings. Work through those only with medications you have under supervision. Otherwise, use positive coping strategies like socializing, exercising, productive projects, and so on.

 

[pianistclare]

What if…

What if you simply try you best, wake up each day thankful for life, health, and a roof over your head, and work hard at education and see what God has in store for you?

What if you did that?

Why is it so fulfilling to you to be negative? I’d figure that out as well.

 

[Lorelei12]

My fear is what if i’m not good at anything except being some lazy lowly burger flipper or grocery checker or some loser on welfare? Then do I just accept that i’ll just be making minimum wage and living with mom until i’m 40? I’m worried that i’m just not mentally fit to have any sort of good job. Sadly mental illness is filled with a lot of stigma. It doesn’t matter if I think I could handle it. Sadly people would just interview me and think " he has problems" and not be sympathetic. Not that I want sympathy but I guess I worry i’m just destined to be a loser. But then again God calls us to be faithful and not successful and I guess i’ll just be the faithful minimum wage earner barely scraping by. At least i don’t live in nepal or something which I guess makes me blessed. I guess I just have to accept the cross of having the world think i’m a loser. Maybe i’ll get my reward after suffering here on earth

I think that you are coming from a place of pain, but please be aware that some of your attitudes are really condescending. Your comment about “older” women as leftovers earlier, and now fast food workers and welfare recipients. I’d guess that most of us have been that “lazy lowly” burger flipper or cashier at one point or another, and I think you probably know that there is nothing lazy about those types of jobs- they are hard and if you are lazy you won’t keep them. Referring to welfare recipients- most of whom really need assistance- as “losers” is uncharitable and especially unbecoming for someone who is trying to enter the field of Special Education. How you come across to people is a major part of interviewing and getting a job, and being successful in that position- keep that in mind.

Also- many people, myself included, had to further their education beyond a Bachelor’s to move away from the minimum wage type jobs. After my Bachelor’s I worked at the store I had worked at during college for awhile because I couldn’t find a job in my field, then I was in a few other varied customer service positions for about a year until I said “forget it- I don’t want to be a manager and I’m not going where I want here” and did what you are doing- went back to school. I had friends who were in business and nursing and got fantastic jobs right out of undergrad, which made me a little jealous, but in the end you have to take responsibility for all the choices you’ve made and work with what you have. You chose your major, you got into debt, and the question is what you’re going to do about it. Looking down on people (including yourself) who aren’t in “professional” positions won’t help anything.

 

[ack]

Well maybe i’m too much work. The problem is though that I guess I just say this stuff on here as like a sounding board. In all honesty i’m pretty tough. I go to my job and be cheerful and try to do the best I can. My worry is though that my life will never get started. And not to make excuses but a lot of this comes from me being laid off in the last month from my first real job. I lived on my own and took care of myself and did pretty well. I even had a relationship. And even though it didn’t work out, it was more because we just didn’t feel right for each other in spite of having a lot of things in common. Maybe i’m a lot of work and maybe i’m not but honestly its been a rough month. I’m sorry if i’ve been melodramatic. IRL I just put my big boy boots on and deal with it. But I have these thoughts rolling around and I guess i’m always worrying.

It seems like airing your thoughts here on CAF, or saying stuff “like a sounding board” as you say, is somehow helping you. Otherwise you wouldn’t keep coming back.

But do you have access to some kind of counselor or therapist? I’m not talking about a psychiatrist who gives medications necessarily, but just a real person who you can have this kind of conversation with (like for about an hour a week).

Talking with someone in real life, you can cover far, far more ground in the same amount of time than you can typing on a forum. There are many smart people on here, but there are also some very smart therapists out there who could give you so much more than you could ever get out of CAF. Counseling centers at universities are especially easy to access, and anonymous (in the sense that you don’t have to tell your family).

 

[Xantippe]

My fear is what if i’m not good at anything except being some lazy lowly burger flipper or grocery checker or some loser on welfare?

**Have you ever watched how hard fast food and grocery store people work? Do you ever just see them standing around? Nope.

There’s a funny bit from the movie Reality Bites (a movie for people from my generation that were in your situation) where the heroine (an underemployed college graduate) is interviewing at a fast food place. She discovers that fast food workers are supposed to be always moving–if they have a spare moment, they’re supposed to be cleaning the floor. The heroine realizes (very sadly), that if anything, she is UNDER-qualified to work in fast food.**

Then do I just accept that i’ll just be making minimum wage and living with mom until i’m 40?

**Not a whole lot of people make literally minimum wage.

pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2014/09/08/who-makes-minimum-wage/**

“That group represents 4.3% of the nation’s 75.9 million hourly-paid workers and 2.6% of all wage and salary workers. In 1979, when the BLS began regularly studying minimum-wage workers, they represented 13.4% of hourly workers and 7.9% of all wage and salary workers.”

I’m worried that i’m just not mentally fit to have any sort of good job. Sadly mental illness is filled with a lot of stigma. It doesn’t matter if I think I could handle it. Sadly people would just interview me and think " he has problems" and not be sympathetic. Not that I want sympathy but I guess I worry i’m just destined to be a loser. But then again God calls us to be faithful and not successful and I guess i’ll just be the faithful minimum wage earner barely scraping by.

**You don’t sound faithful–you sound negative.

There’s a difference.**

At least i don’t live in nepal or something which I guess makes me blessed. I guess I just have to accept the cross of having the world think i’m a loser. Maybe i’ll get my reward after suffering here on earth

If you, as a college graduate, serve others to the best of your abilities, you will make more than minimum wage.

Again, read Rabbi Lapin’s Thou Shall Prosper.

 

[Xantippe]

It seems like airing your thoughts here on CAF, or saying stuff “like a sounding board” as you say, is somehow helping you. Otherwise you wouldn’t keep coming back.

But do you have access to some kind of counselor or therapist? I’m not talking about a psychiatrist who gives medications necessarily, but just a real person who you can have this kind of conversation with (like for about an hour a week).

Talking with someone in real life, you can cover far, far more ground in the same amount of time than you can typing on a forum. There are many smart people on here, but there are also some very smart therapists out there who could give you so much more than you could ever get out of CAF. Counseling centers at universities are especially easy to access, and anonymous (in the sense that you don’t have to tell your family).

Right.

 

[Xantippe]

Here’s Winona Rider (a college graduate) realizing that she’s not good enough for fast food:

youtube.com/watch?v=Ls691UeTvxs

 

[Xantippe]

Not to monopolize this thread, but I was recently in Aldi’s, and they were advertising entry level grocery jobs at $11 an hour and the next step up at $15 an hour.

Not wealth beyond the dreams of avarice, but not minimum wage.

 

[on_the_hill]

“26 year old Millennial Catholic who lives with parents in spite of having a degree. Should I even try to date someone?”

No, not if the title of the thread accurately reflects your attitude. :nope:

If you can pull yourself together, there’s no reason you shouldn’t date.

At age 26 I was a Gen X Catholic living with my parents in spite of having a degree. I went to graduate school while living with my parents, dated, and met my wife.

I’ve been married 20 years and have three children.