A single woman's rant

[Khrystyne]

I haven’t done this too much, but I really need to rant. One thing I really can’t stand about being a Christian is the fact that it’s almost impossible to be a single woman and a Christian without growing to hate your sexuality. Any itch, any feeling of sexual desire is only a temptation, or an occasion to sin. In other words, the sexuality of a single person is only a gift if it is completely dormant and inactive. It serves no useful purpose. It doesn’t help you find a spouse, it doesn’t help you become a saint.

I know that my sexuality is not entirely useless. It is a cross, and the anxiety, frustration, and the sadness that I feel as a result of it (I’m crying while I write this) invites me to participate in the sufferings of Christ. I know that what doesn’t kill me will ultimately make me stronger, and if my sexuality doesn’t crush my soul, i’ll ultimately emerge a stronger Christian. But how many crosses can I bear? Quite frankly, I don’t know how I can bear this one.

I don’t know if I’m supposed to get married or not, but it just doesn’t seem fair. If I get married, my desires will suddenly become good. But as long as I am single, my desires will remain vile and wicked. Or rather, as Christian teaching has it, my sex drive is good, as long as it doesn’t exist. If it exists, then it’s bad.

Whoa!, I’m coming in here kinda late, maybe this has been already expressed, BUT you seem to have a very unhealthy view of your sexuality. Generally, if you have these strong desires they are sure signs and confirmation that God would like you to find a spouse. I am not telling you what to do, seek out a spirtitual director. I do know something though pertaining to the Christian religion, there was a certain time period (St. Francis of Assisi day and time) where any seemingly sexual urges were frowned upon as "evil;, “wicked” and one must purge oneself of the desires at the moment of experience…hence St. Francis rolling around on the thorn bushes. This was and is NOT a healthy view and understanding of ourselves, in fact I think this became a heresy of sorts…I’m not a theologian, I have no substantial argument really to debate, but if anyone else can shed some light on this particular tid bit I would be grateful.

Christ may be showing you as well that He would like you to be refined in this area of your life and relationship with Him. Starting with a right and healthy understanding of yourself and your sexuality. I promise you won’t die, I didn’t.

By the way, I’m grateful to be female…oh sooo grateful. Our sexuality DOES help us become a saint, not just physically, BUT most importantly spiritually. God has given us far more gifts than what most of us women realize.

God Bless!

 

[valient_Lucy]

Haha - I’ve heard that from so many people!

And if you let go and God doesn’t call you to marriage, you can pour yourself joyfully in to your single state and do wonders. Jason Evert says the happiest man he has ever met is a 50-something man who has never been married.

Yeah. Even though I desperately hope to marry and have children, if God wants me to stay single, I’ll do the best I can with that.

 

[Michael_Saint]

As humans, like the seasons, we go through changes…ups and downs…highs and lows. The comforting thing is that when the nighttime comes, God brings the sunlight the next day, to begin anew. So, if you’re struggling…keep praying and fighting the good fight…and the ‘feelings’…the moment will pass.

There was a lot of good advice given on this thread. I am sure you already know most of it, but it often does bear repeating, and you might have picked up a few “gems” that particularly “stuck”.

whatevergirl pretty much says what I was going to say. Life is like that - it is a struggle. It will always be like that. We just have to do what we can to get through. Sometimes it’s going to suck - really bad. But it is what it is, and we have to deal with that. And Christ gave us a pretty good plan for dealing with it. It will be all okay in the end. That is what this Easter season is meant to teach us.

 

[Michael_Saint]

I’ve been praying for a husband and children, and that God would give me the grace to be a good wife and mother, but I would feel guilty about that. I was afraid of admitting to God that that’s what I want, what I really want.

Oh, tell me about it. I have only in the last six months been able to say “I want to get married and have children” without feeling guilty about it. In fact, for a long time I couldn’t say it at all.

 

[Michael_Saint]

Whoa!, I’m coming in here kinda late, maybe this has been already expressed, BUT you seem to have a very unhealthy view of your sexuality.

I do know something though pertaining to the Christian religion, there was a certain time period (St. Francis of Assisi day and time) where any seemingly sexual urges were frowned upon as "evil;, “wicked” and one must purge oneself of the desires at the moment of experience…hence St. Francis rolling around on the thorn bushes.!

Yes, that has been offered here by a few people in the preceding five pages.

Sexual urges are perhaps not “frowned upon” any more, but the Church still teaches we must deal with them as soon as they arise. Prayer is generally recommended now, offering them up “at the moment of experience” (yes, we still insist on this), and penance is also still recommended (even though the impression is that Vatican II ‘got rid of’ all that). John Paul II used self-flagellation - a common practice when one had such ‘sexual urges’ (not saying that’s why JP2 used it, but I digress), and the Opus Dei still uses similar forms of penance.

 

[Michael_Saint]

Yeah. Even though I desperately hope to marry and have children, if God wants me to stay single, I’ll do the best I can with that.

Yep, that’s how I feel most of the time about it. You’re not alone, for what it’s worth (and right now, it probably isn’t worth a heck of a lot ).

 

[Magickman]

Sexual attraction is the root of romantic love,

And romantic love is the foundation of enduring love.

 

[Bataar]

I still have to frown on my sexuality. I have a very strong sex drive and I’ll probably never be married due to my Aspergers. I really wish I had a way to turn it off since all it does is lead to sin.

 

[masha]

I still have to frown on my sexuality. I have a very strong sex drive and I’ll probably never be married due to my Aspergers. I really wish I had a way to turn it off since all it does is lead to sin.

Don’t despair! My youngest sister has Aspergers and she’s happily married to an amazing guy. You never know what God has in store for you.

 

[mommamaree]

I still have to frown on my sexuality. I have a very strong sex drive and I’ll probably never be married due to my Aspergers. I really wish I had a way to turn it off since all it does is lead to sin.

People with Autism and Tourette’s often believe that they will never find a mate, too. This is simply not the reality for people with such struggles, so I hope you won’t assume that will necessarily be your reality. I married a man with Tourette’s, and he is the most amazing man and I feel so lucky to have found him. His Tourette’s gave him the ability to develop his compassion and his tough skin. He more keenly sees the suffering of others. So don’t give up on yourself. Let God use your Aspergers to refine your character and prepare you for your future vocation, whatever you discern that to be.

 

[valient_Lucy]

I still have to frown on my sexuality. I have a very strong sex drive and I’ll probably never be married due to my Aspergers. I really wish I had a way to turn it off since all it does is lead to sin.

I know the feeling.

 

[valient_Lucy]

valient Lucy;4849663:

I haven’t done this too much, but I really need to rant. One thing I really can’t stand about being a Christian is the fact that it’s almost impossible to be a single woman and a Christian without growing to hate your sexuality. Any itch, any feeling of sexual desire is only a temptation, or an occasion to sin. In other words, the sexuality of a single person is only a gift if it is completely dormant and inactive. It serves no useful purpose. It doesn’t help you find a spouse, it doesn’t help you become a saint.

I know that my sexuality is not entirely useless. It is a cross, and the anxiety, frustration, and the sadness that I feel as a result of it (I’m crying while I write this) invites me to participate in the sufferings of Christ. I know that what doesn’t kill me will ultimately make me stronger, and if my sexuality doesn’t crush my soul, i’ll ultimately emerge a stronger Christian. But how many crosses can I bear? Quite frankly, I don’t know how I can bear this one.

I don’t know if I’m supposed to get married or not, but it just doesn’t seem fair. If I get married, my desires will suddenly become good. But as long as I am single, my desires will remain vile and wicked. Or rather, as Christian teaching has it, my sex drive is good, as long as it doesn’t exist. If it exists, then it’s bad.

Whoa!, I’m coming in here kinda late, maybe this has been already expressed, BUT you seem to have a very unhealthy view of your sexuality.

That’s probably true. The way I see it, as a single person, sexual desire leads to sin, and sin leads to Hell. I would love not to believe that, but I don’t see any other option.

Generally, if you have these strong desires they are sure signs and confirmation that God would like you to find a spouse. I am not telling you what to do, seek out a spirtitual director.

I hope that’s the case. I would very much love to have a family and children of my own.

I do know something though pertaining to the Christian religion, there was a certain time period (St. Francis of Assisi day and time) where any seemingly sexual urges were frowned upon as "evil;, “wicked” and one must purge oneself of the desires at the moment of experience…hence St. Francis rolling around on the thorn bushes. This was and is NOT a healthy view and understanding of ourselves, in fact I think this became a heresy of sorts…I’m not a theologian, I have no substantial argument really to debate, but if anyone else can shed some light on this particular tid bit I would be grateful.

I had a thoughts similar to rolling around in thorn bushes. I didn’t do it though. Though I’ll probably end up writing a story about it.

Christ may be showing you as well that He would like you to be refined in this area of your life and relationship with Him. Starting with a right and healthy understanding of yourself and your sexuality. I promise you won’t die, I didn’t.

That’s probably true. I’m starting to think that some of this may be temporal punishment for past sins, or at least the consequences of them.

Any suggestions on where to start?

By the way, I’m grateful to be female…oh sooo grateful. Our sexuality DOES help us become a saint, not just physically, BUT most importantly spiritually. God has given us far more gifts than what most of us women realize.

God Bless!

Being female is not the same thing. A 5 year old girl is female, even though she has no sex drive. She is just as much of a female as I am. If I was to wake up tomorrow and not have any desire for sex, I would still be female. I am very greatful to be a female. I just sometimes wish that I didn’t want to have sex.

 

[Bataar]

People with Autism and Tourette’s often believe that they will never find a mate, too. This is simply not the reality for people with such struggles, so I hope you won’t assume that will necessarily be your reality. I married a man with Tourette’s, and he is the most amazing man and I feel so lucky to have found him. His Tourette’s gave him the ability to develop his compassion and his tough skin. He more keenly sees the suffering of others. So don’t give up on yourself. Let God use your Aspergers to refine your character and prepare you for your future vocation, whatever you discern that to be.

I haven’t given up, per se, I just recognize and accept my current reality. Yes, God could will a miracle to occur and I’ll meet some wonderful young lady who accepts me, quirks and all, but I can’t expect that to happen. For me to become involved in a relationship, it would pretty much require that the woman initiates it as I just don’t make small talk or talk unless there’s a legitimate subject of interest at hand. Knowing that and knowing that I don’t give women a reason to want to get to know me, makes it seem very unlikely it will ever happen. But, I suppose miracles do happen.

 

[Marc_Anthony]

Yeah, so far nobody has, from my POV, refuted the orignal poster’s point. She said that the sex drive, except when married, led only to sin unless completely repressed, which led to Hell. Now a bunch of people wrote about how “Nothing God makes is a bad thing!”. Well of course not. But the sex drive is not bad when married. When not married, it is only a temptation, and a very powerful one I might add. Basically, Lucy is right. The only way to deal with this is to accept that by overcoming our suffering we come closer to Christ.

 

[TedDC]

I’m dead serious. Please read theology of the body.
“Experiencing” sexuality is just enjoying being a man and a woman and loving others in that role. Use of the sexual organs is not “experiencing sexuality”
I am a single woman. I try my best to love others as a woman would. I live a chaste life, as best I can, and I am “experiencing” my sexuality. It IS a gift to love others as a woman, and I don’t need to have sexual intercourse, or masterbate in order to do so.

It is spiritual abuse to rationalize an immoral action by what appears to be a better end. It is spiritual abuse to try to make people feel “ok” about gravely immoral actions. This isn’t something that people just came up with, this is church teaching.

yes, even the smallest sin affects the whole world. There is a spiritual plain out there that none of us can see. just because it doesn’t “seem” to affect the day to day life, the spiritual consequences still exist…even if a person in not culpable to the sin.

What a person does in the “privacy” in their own bedroom is really not private at all. God knows all. Souls are affected. Just because you can’t comprehend it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

And yes, “self-relief” in its own way, can escalate. It is lust. It is about taking, and distorting the dignity of the person. It can lead to pornography, seperating the soul from the body. Pornography itself distorts the human person and their integrity which leads to all sorts of selfish actions, small and large.

What it comes down to is that you believe “self-relief” is wrong because the Church says it’s wrong. And that’s fine - everyone is entitled to their belief. Church teaching is pretty clear on the topic, and if you’re a Catholic, you’re obliged to follow it.

But let’s face it, those attempted rational explanations for its alleged harmfulness are pretty weak. Masturbation is not necessarily about lust and does not necessarily lead to pornography, any more than eating and drinking necessarily lead to obesity and drunkeness. Can it be harmful to oneself and others? Of course. So can a lot of things, when done to excess or in the wrong circumstances. But that doesn’t make those things intrinsically wrong. That’s a finding of Church teaching, not of reason.

 

[agapewolf]

What it comes down to is that you believe “self-relief” is wrong because the Church says it’s wrong. And that’s fine - everyone is entitled to their belief. Church teaching is pretty clear on the topic, and if you’re a Catholic, you’re obliged to follow it.

But let’s face it, those attempted rational explanations for its alleged harmfulness are pretty weak. Masturbation is not necessarily about lust and does not necessarily lead to pornography, any more than eating and drinking necessarily lead to obesity and drunkeness. Can it be harmful to oneself and others? Of course. So can a lot of things, when done to excess or in the wrong circumstances. But that doesn’t make those things intrinsically wrong. That’s a finding of Church teaching, not of reason.

No. I originally believed it wrong because of church teaching. After studying why I know it is intrinsically wrong because it is objectively harmful. It is always about lust because it turns everything in on oneself and makes it about pleasure only, with no gift. As I already explained, you can’t seperate the soul from the body. What you do with your body speaks a language.

 

[TedDC]

No. I originally believed it wrong because of church teaching. After studying why I know it is intrinsically wrong because it is objectively harmful. It is always about lust because it turns everything in on oneself and makes it about pleasure only, with no gift. As I already explained, you can’t seperate the soul from the body. What you do with your body speaks a language.

What is the factual basis for those assertions?

 

[TedDC]

I haven’t given up, per se, I just recognize and accept my current reality. Yes, God could will a miracle to occur and I’ll meet some wonderful young lady who accepts me, quirks and all, but I can’t expect that to happen. For me to become involved in a relationship, it would pretty much require that the woman initiates it as I just don’t make small talk or talk unless there’s a legitimate subject of interest at hand. Knowing that and knowing that I don’t give women a reason to want to get to know me, makes it seem very unlikely it will ever happen. But, I suppose miracles do happen.

I can empathize with your situation; I know how hard it is to be alone. In my case, it’s age and physical unattractiveness which make me unappealing to women.

 

[valient_Lucy]

Yeah, so far nobody has, from my POV, refuted the orignal poster’s point. She said that the sex drive, except when married, led only to sin unless completely repressed, which led to Hell. Now a bunch of people wrote about how “Nothing God makes is a bad thing!”. Well of course not. But the sex drive is not bad when married. When not married, it is only a temptation, and a very powerful one I might add. Basically, Lucy is right. The only way to deal with this is to accept that by overcoming our suffering we come closer to Christ.

You’re right. In an ideal world, we wouldn’t want to have sex until after we’re married.

Maybe, before the Fall, that’s how it would have worked. We wouldn’t have wanted to have sex until we were married. Makes a certain amount of sense.

 

[valient_Lucy]

You’re right. In an ideal world, we wouldn’t want to have sex until after we’re married.

Maybe, before the Fall, that’s how it would have worked. We wouldn’t have wanted to have sex until we were married. Makes a certain amount of sense.

It’s pure speculation, of course. But (if I can be so presumptous) if God was to ask me what I would change in human nature, I would change this. No one should want to have sex until they get married.

Actually, I think there would be a lot fewer divorces, since I think people would actually make better choices in marriage partners without being distracted and misled by their sex drives. Not to mention that Heaven would be a lot more crowded than it is right now. Wait, maybe that’s a bad thing. No, definitely not.