Abusive relationships

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4tomorrow said:
The lawyer says I cannot deny my husband from seeing our daughter. However I am glad that everytime he says he wants to see her, and he makes arrangements to do so, he does not show up.
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Talk to your lawyer about how to keep records of this. When it comes to custody, it may help your case to win sole custody.

I know that lawyers are expensive. In Colorado where I live, there is a state agency that helps establish and enforce child support as well as custody. I suggest looking for their counterpart in your state, most states have similar programs.
 
4tomorrow said:
think about my husband and how hard I tried. I did everything he asked. I wanted so bad to be a family. It husts so much that we didn’t matter enough to him.
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Whilst I cannot comment on your marriage I can comment as a daughter from an abusive marriage. YOU HAVE to think of your daughter, the effect of the physical abuse on my mother by my father has been huge. I am 30 and single, have been involved in an abusive relationship myself. Do you want that for your daughter? The hurt you felt when your husband physically abused you, think of your precious daughter suffering the same blows, I know my mother was mortified when she found out about my abuse.

Please PLEASE consider your daughter here, it really affects us kids to see the pain our mothers go through at the hands of our fathers. I have considered never getting married, but I read somewhere NEVER say NEVER to God. But I do tend to be attracted to men who are like my father, so I avoid any relationships. What really matters is the SAFE upbrining of your child, everything else will fall into place, you just wait and see.

You and your daughter are in my prayers.
 
Right now, you’re suffering from shell shock. You feel overwhelmed and everything seems impossible.

Leaving was an excellent first step. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. The fog will gradually lift and you WILL be happier than you are now. Trust me on this: as long as you don’t go back to him, you will be happier a year from now than you were a year ago. It will just take a bit of time to see it happening.

Focus on being a mamma bear and protect your daughter as best as you can.

Do go to Hope House and ask them for all the help they can give you. Just ask. Say “I am scared and I feel like I can’t make it. Please help me.”

Go to a priest - any priest. You don’t have to know the man. Just walk into any Catholic parish and ask how you can see the priest for a private confession/chat. Tell him everything you have told us. He may even have some resources for you in the form of phone numbers you can call, etc.

I went to the Catholic Church when I was in a tight spot and I ended up getting actual material help from parishioners. I mean, people GAVE me things and actually helped me. For example, I got free child care from a family in the parish. I offered them money and they said they wanted to do it for God.

I am willing to bet that more than one person reading this thread wishes they lived in your town so they could watch your daughter FOR FREE while you go to work. Trust me - if people know of this need of yours - a legitimate need and nothing to be at all ashamed of - somebody will be grateful for the opportunity to help.

I’m not saying that you’ll find somebody at church to watch your baby for free - more like I’m saying that you WILL find help when you allow people to help you.
 
hi everyone. Sometimes I’m not sure exactly why I’m writing here… I’m so very lonely and sad.

The other day my husband called me in near hysterics. He was saying how much he needed and loved me. He said how sorry he was for everything. When he first tried to call me that day I was at work, so he was unable to contact me directly. He left numerous phone messages proclaiming his love for me. He said he didn’t know how much more of this he could stand.(us being apart). He was crying very hard. He also admitted to me of his drug problem for the last 2 years. He told me that was where all the money went instead of for our bills.

The problem is that I still love him so much. He has lied about everything, been abusive, not been there at all for his daughter or me, and hasn’t worked in 2 years. His is on the verge of loosing everything, his home, motorcycle (the repo man has been looking for it for months. he has it hidden). Even his mother has disowned him. His life is a mess, but for some reason I still long to feel his arms around me. I wonder If it because I feel so alone. I have no one else to even talk to except my daughter.

I also worry about the stress all of this is putting on my poor child. I try not to cry in front of her anymore, but it is so hard sometimes. I am emotionally drained. this relationship has been disfunctional for two years. I just need someone!!!
The astronomical bills my husband has run up is not helping matters any. Most of those bills are outstanding utility bills. (He took the money for his drugs instead of paying the bill.)

I guess I’m looking for a miracle. or at least some sort of sign… I don’t know how to cope anymore.
 
From your post, your husband sounds bi-polar. Does he have a history of mental illness?

Did something happen that caused the unemployment? Or triggered the violence? In no way is any of his behavior justifiable, but having an idea of what is going on will help others to help you.

Document everything. Let his phone calls go to voicemail. Save them. Keep a journal with date and time of every time he calls, meets you or anything happens.

Reach out to someone in the community. Look for support groups, people from a Catholic church, women’s groups, anyone. Having another person at your side can be very strengthening.

If you truly love him, don’t go back to him or cave in to any of his demands. True love would not allow him to sin by hurting you and your baby. True love would hold him to the level of caring and respecting a woman and baby. True love would allow him to figure out his issues and get help.
 
What Hasikelee says is very true. Do not try to go and solve all of his problems for him, because you can’t. Trust me, the more you do for him the more helpless, angry, and destructive he will become. The absolute best way that you can help him is to let him face the consequences of his destructive behavior. You need to let him get the answering machine and not your tender heart.

You need to work on your own strength. You need to get some support and get some help. Have you signed up for the group counseling offered by the domestic violence shelter? This will help you so much. Also I would look for some type of narcotics-anon support group. They will help you understand your husband’s addiction and how to not enable him. As far as help too, really do call your parish and make an appointment with the priest. He should be able to put you in touch with the local organizations that would really be able to give you a hand. He can also give you some spiritual and marital guidance as well.
 
Thank you everyone for all your support. The fact that you answered my posts makes me feel a little bit less lonely.

As for documenting all of the phone conversations and visits, I do all that.

I do intend to go to a Hope House group meeting. I desperately need someone to talk to. Last week I didn’t get up the nerve, and this week I have just enough gas in my car to get myself to and from work until payday. Funds are very tight for me. Hopefully I will be able to attend next week, although I am very scared. I don’t know why, But I feel like I do not belong in a battered wife group. I know it is silly, since he was abusive. I guess it is all just denial, like that can’t really be me.

Also to make matters worse, these last few weeks, my mother isn’t speaking with me. We had a fight about my upcomming divorce. She said I could come and stay with her, but she wanted to tell everyone that my husband was dead. She seems to be ashamed of me and thinks that I did something wrong in my marriage, since my husband is a drug addict. It all really hurts. I’m going through so much and I really want my mommy.

Feeling so alone.
 
Hey, I remember that “I’m scared and I don’t know why feeling.” It’s starting to fade away, but I still have to contend with it every now and again. The best way to combat it is by doing whatever it is that you are afraid of. Just do it. I would bet that if you called Hope House and let them know your problem of not being able to afford the gas, that they would have a solution for you. It is really important for you to make these connections and get this support. Don’t feel weird about being there. I think once you start to understand the pattern of control and abuse, you will understand just how much you share with the other women there. You’ll probably learn that the pattern was set into motion long before you were actually physically abused. It will be really important to understand that, so you can learn how to break out of that pattern.

Let your mom know how much you need her. While I don’t think that it would be a good idea to tell people that your husband died, you don’t need to tell everyone you meet the most personal of the problems that you faced. There are people in all walks of life, all socioeconomic levels whose lives have been shattered by substance abuse. It really isn’t anything that you or your mom should be ashamed about, but just the same there isn’t any reason that has to be volunteered to everyone you encounter. I was having a problem when people first learned that my husband and I were getting divorced that they would want to push me into reconciling, and I would end up really telling them too much to explain why we weren’t going to get back together. My counselor let me know to not be bothered by their good intentions, but to know that I know the whole truth and if they did, they would understand. Sometimes it’s good to retain a little bit of privacy and not openly display your deepest pain to the general public.
 
COLOR=“Navy”]Sorry to do this but I am going to say it. I have read your threads and I remember you. YOU NEED TO LET THIS MAN GO. He is not going to change and deep down inside you know it you have known it for a long time.

We have come a long way the difference with me is that me and my ex are no longer together and getting divorced which is a good thing. You cannot keep trying and trying and you cannot force a person to change if he does not want to. You cannot even stay in a broken marriage because of the kids because it does not work. The children are exposed to fighting, arguments, tension. And we think that they are not aware of things but they are and they pick up so easily on things especially tension. Things have gotten worse for you not better and you know this.

I am telling you this because I CARE and you know where I come from because of my threads and your threads that we have written. My heart goes out to you but you need to “LET HIM GO FROM YOU LIFE BEFORE HE DESTROYS YOU AND ANNA”.

Things will get better with time but you cannot hang on to him no matter how much you love him or want him around. He is not a well person and he is going to do worse to you than this. He keeps saying how sorry he is then as soon as you let him in he messes up again this has been on and off for years. And it is not changing can you not see that. He has taken me so long to realise that no matter what you say or do then will never change. The fact that my ex has a baby now from the teenager that they are living together now that he does not bother to come and see the kids or bother to call does not matter anymore like it used. He will be the looser at the end of the day he will be missing out. But he made these choices on his own.

I know that you are battling and struggling at the moment and you feel all alone and that nobody cares but you are not alone. There are others like you and me that have been through worse and have dusted themselves off and moved on to better lives. He is JUST GOING TO BRING YOU DOWN. He is a blood sucker who is going to suck the life out of you if you do not put a STOP to it NOW. God wants something better he wants you to get out of the misery.

PRAY, PRAY, PRAY and read the bible and try and go to church. And make sure that you go to that meeting. We are not defeated God has not forsaken you and there have been so many signs from God showing you the path that you need to follow. There is nothing wrong with been alone and bringing up your daughter on your own look at me I have two kids to take care. It has not been easy the past year but I can say that I have made it with God’s help. He will not let you and Anna suffer there is something going to happen in your life but you need to take control of it.

People are going to tell you so many things but you need to decide at the end of the day what you are going to do. I know it is not easy to let go but if somebody is going to continuously hurt you cause you pain and suffering then that person does not DESERVE YOU. You don’t say you love somebody and them go do the same thing again and say you sorry and the next week or month you doing the say thing again and again. It becomes so boring like a stuck record.

But I will keep you in my prayers.
 
As somebody said above: if you call Hope House and tell them about the gas problem, I wouldn’t be surprised if somebody comes and picks you up and drives you. DO NOT BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP. First, ask God for help. Tell Him “I can’t do this. Please help me.” He will give you the courage to ask other people for help.

Believe it or not, everything you are going through is perfectly common. One of the things you’ll find in a group situation is that those other abused spouses will know EXACTLY what you’re talking about. Oh, the details vary somewhat, but the truth is that these abusive relationships tend to follow the same predictable patterns. I know you feel all alone, but you are NOT.

I will say this again: there are a LOT of people in this world who would jump for joy at the opportunity to help you. Driving you to the group meeting, babysitting your kid while you work, even more than that. One way to trust in God is to admit that you need help and to let Him work through the people around you.

As for your ex calling you - you have really scared him. He was addicted to abusing you and when you left, it threw him for a loop. Trust me: what he is doing is absolutely normal and predictable. I can also promise you that if you go back to him, you will be just as bad off as before, only feeling even weaker.

I know you love him, but you also love your daughter. You may think that this is hard on her, but it’s not as hard as being raised in a violent abusive home. For her sake, you must not go back to him.

It may be that he will change. We hope so. But, the best you can really hope for is that he’ll sober up enough to be able to pay child support and be able to see your daughter for visitation safely. It may even be that years from now you could get back together. But, if you go back to him now, he won’t have any incentive to change.

I repeat my promise: if you don’t go back to him, you will be happier a year from now than you were a year ago.
 
first of all I want to say thank you to everyone who has given me advise. It feels good knowing someone cares enough to give me their thoughts on the matter. It also helps to see all of my feelings typed out in front of me.

My husband called me again today saying how much he misses me. It hurts so much to think of all the plans we had together. It also hurts to think about all the bad things he has done. I still miss him, but I miss who he was a long time ago. The man I fell in love with, not the monster he has become.

I found out about an apartment that I could possibly afford (with some struggling, but not too bad). The catch is the will do a background check. Both criminal and credit. Criminal is fine. I have never been in any trouble in my whole life! The credit is the problem. It is not a matter of credit cards or bank statements. My problem is past utility bills. Over the last year my husband has taken money that was to be paid on our electric, gas, phone and cell phone, using the money to buy drugs. Now I have large outstanding bills in my name. I lived in our home for the last 4 monts with no gas before I finally left him. The cell phone bill has acquired interest and disconnect fees making it outrageous. I don’t know how I am going to pay these companies back.

Today, I went to social services to find out about energy assistance programs. Currently the state has no funding. The woman there suggested
I contact a local church. She said they do charities for families in need. I have no idea how to go about asking for help, or if I even should. Somehow it seems wrong asking a church that I don’t belong to for help. What do you think??? I don’t know how to pay these bills. Can’t get a place to live until I do.
 
Don’t go back. At least not so easily.

I guess hope springs eternal, but I always figure the God can indeed change a person - he did Saul.

However, and this is a BIG however, your husband needs to PROVE that he has changed. As you stated, he hasn’t hesitated to lie to you in the past, therefore the truth is likely that he is lieing.

I wouldn’t go back unless all the evidence* suggested that he truly changed.

*all the evidence: other people that knew your husband well have remarked how much he has changed. His priest that he has begun seeing regularly for confessions has made similar remarks. He has held a steady job for a year or more. He has a new set of friends that are healthy, non-drug abusers. He has begun healthy hobbies. His visitations with his daughter have all gone extremely well. Your friends and family are actually suggesting that you should get back together with him.

In the mean time pray like the dickens.
 
4tomorrow said:
I don’t actually have a priest. I don’t have anyone. It has been so long since I have had any friends I don’t know how to make any. I’m sorry to be so full of self pity, but I can’t help it. I am so lonely. day in and day out all I have is my daughter. She is so wonderful however, I desperately need someone else in my life. Even at work, I sit by myself at lunch and on breaks.

I don’t feel like I belong anywhere.
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oh honey, my heart goes out to you.
You must follow through on counselling and with staying close to the Church. You are not alone. You are not the first woman (or man) to go through the heartbreak of surviving an abusive relationship and all the unbelieveable feelings that go along with that…if I could say anything to you it would be that you did NOT cause this behavior, you are NOT responsible for how he has chosen to behave and that you have an absolute responsibility to keep yourself and your child safe. She does not need to grow up with this kind of male role model and you deserve a long, healthy, happy and Godfilled life.
You are in my prayers.
 
You are a Catholic. You BELONG in the Catholic Church. Go to the nearest parish and talk to the priest. Say, “I have just left an abusive husband. I am confused and scared and I don’t know what to do. Please help me.” Just say that.
 
Hi everyone.
I’m having a really hard time here. I saw my husband today. It was the first time in about 2 months. Our daughter didn’t want to go to him. I don’t blame her. Then she cried for him when he left. (I did too) I’m still so angry for all the things he has done. I’m so sad for what he has and hasn’t done for sweet Anna.

My mom called the other day. She wants me to move down with her. It is a few hours from where I am now. I want to, but it seems like I will be really leaving my husband if I go so far away. It is such a big step. I still love him so. We had so many plans toghther…
back to wanting to move… I think I want to go. The problem is that I’m schedulled to begin a new college class tomorrow. I don’t want to begin a new class. This is all too much for me right now, and then college… I have federal grants paying for my classes. Does anyone know If I can even drop the class? If I do can I qualify for grants later on? I know I need to go to school, but next semester. I am an emotional wreck right now.

What should I do? I could use my mom’s help right now, but that would really be leaving my husband.

Also, did anyone see my earlier post? Is it okay to ask a church in which you don’t belong for financial help? That was suggested to me last week.
 
Let’s put it this way, if staying in the area makes you feel like you might not really be leaving your husband, then that is a very good reason for you to leave. I know how painful it is to think of the plans that you had, but in reality even if you did go back to him, the plans would never come to be because that is not who your husband is.

Last night I went to confession and picked up an article about forgiveness. One section caught my eye: " Only a few years ago, community leaders, mental health professionals, and even the church considered abuse as a treatable and curable psychological disorder, in the same manner as alcoholism. Now everyone knows better the difference between treting and curing the several different types of abusers." Think about that. How can you keep this abuser in your life? Realize what he is and protect yourself and your daughter. When you think that your husband is not only an abuser but also a drug addict, then you should realize that it would be foolish and extremely risky to put any amount of trust in him.

As for moving several hours away. I think you will need to contact your attorney because it might need to go to court first before you move out of the county. I am sure your request wouldn’t be denied, but it is better to go through the proper legal channels so that your husband can’t claim that you have kidnapped your daughter. I think it will be good though to move in with your family, not just for the financial support, but also for the emotional support. You need to be honest with your mom and let her know just how much you really need her. A friend of mine who went through this several years ago told me how she was so lonely and hurt so much that she would just go and put her head in her mother’s lap and cry her eyes out. BTW, she received an annument from her marriage, but for 6 1/2 years did not date. Then she met her husband in Bible study. They are very happily married and have a son in the first grade.

As for asking the church for help even though you are not a member, just think about how the church sends missionaries all over the world to help people who are not even Christians. I asked you this before, are you a Catholic? If you were brought up in the church, but have since strayed, coming home is really quite simple. Just ask a priest.
 
yes, I was raised catholic as a child. I havent attended mass, except briefly, for many years.
 
If you have already made your first confession and your first communion, all you really need to do to come back is go to confession. It’s that easy. If you still need to get caught up on your sacraments, then you could check into RCIA. I also might ask if you married your husband in the Catholic Church?
 
No, I did not marry in the Catholic church. He was uncomfortable doing so, and I hadn’t been a member for years, so I thought that was ok. Now I find myself lonier than ever. I really don’t know where I belong. Lately I don’t want to socialize with people at all.
 
4tomorrow, I just wanted to jump in and let you know my prayers are with you. A separation is completely right here. You are getting excellent advice (and fully right with Catholic teaching) here from those who know all about this painful subject. God bless you and your daughter.
 
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