A
ajecphotos
Guest
Sorry, duplicate post
- Status
M
Maine52
Guest
OP, I’ve been on Catholic internet forums for years. CAF since January 2014, and another one before that (prefer not to say the name for privacy reasons). One lesson I learned the very hard way is when you put yourself out there and ask for advice, you have to be prepared to get responses that may not set well with you/hurt your feelings/give advice you don’t want to hear. I used to get appalled and angry at the people who seemed to not understand my situation or who made comments that were harsh. But then I took a step back and realized that was the risk I took when reaching out to anonymous strangers online.I’m glad you are so happy to tell everyone they are wrong.
Maybe now that you have validation, you can take at least that same amount of time to work on healing your relationship with your wife. So far you have said nothing about what you are going to do to turn it around. Nothing.
Care more about her than the people on the internet.
And take your own advice. Be absolve and sin no more.
I’m out.
For one thing, I find it’s hard to articulate the depth of a situation accurately in typing. Others will read and often misinterpret exactly what is going on, which affects the quality of the advice they give (for example, the dialogue between you and HoosierDaddy about which day things happened). Furthermore, you reach a wide variety of folks online, all of whom have their own way of responding to certain things. Some will respond with gentleness. Others will have less gentle reactions. Once again, that’s the risk you take.
In your situation, OP, you have gotten a variety of responses, and everyone has done their best to tell you what they think is the right thing to do based on what you have typed in your posts. If you can’t handle what the people have told you, you may think twice about asking strangers online for advice in the first place. Though I do think you need to tell your wife, I’d say take the advice of your priest(s) and be done. Too much advice from multiple people isn’t necessarily good. Sometimes less is more.
And definitely care more about fixing things with your wife than convincing us here on CAF.
God bless.
A
ajecphotos
Guest
Many thanks indeed for your post. I will definitely take onboard what you say.
I thank everyone in this thread for their advice and help.
God bless
J
Joy2day
Guest
Yep, don’t you love it when people say ‘but we’re all sinners… each and every one of us… God forgives’. ‘Just keep asking forgiveness and keep trying… we’re all in the same boat…’
load of…
Of course situations and circumstances are different and hold different weights.
There are also different boats: dingy’s, yachts, ocean liners, tugs, ferries, runabouts, houseboats etc.
M
Millie123
Guest
I’ve read multiple posts from people encouraging this man to resign from his ministry, but in all honesty I don’t see why. Maybe if his sin was public throughout the parish…and his continued work would cause scandal through the parish community. But the parish community does not know. And he has repented from this grave sin and has made a firm resolution to not continue this sin. If he received the sacrament of reconciliation and is resolute to stop the affair then why does he need to stop being an EMHC? When he was in the midst of the affair his reception of the Blessed Sacrament was a profanition, he should have refrained himself from it during that time. But now, in his repentance, I just don’t see why he should be required to stop…unless it would cause scandal throughout the community.
A
ajecphotos
Guest
Many thanks indeed for seeing it how it was/is.
At no point during my ministry did i ever give out Holy Communion while in Mortal sin!!
I love God so much. Yes, i sinned badly. Nobody knew what was happening, only my priest! I have repented deeply. I have grieved at my massive sins against God and my unfaithfulness to my wife. I have now turned a corner!!
I have sought Godly advice from 4 priests! One a Canon and they have ALL given me the same advice!! All of them!! Does this not tell me that God is answering my prayers? Advising me? Telling me which way to go?
M
Millie123
Guest
Listen to your priest. But, I also think you should seek out a long term spiritual director, to help you to continue to grow spiritually and to help you fight against your temptations
E
EasterJoy
Guest
He takes her with him to their pastor, and their pastor explained that her husband was willing to tell her, but that the pastor counselled him not to, so that if it were possible she could be spared the suffering of knowing that he offended her in a way she did nothing to deserve.
He might also tell all of these priests that they have his permission, of course, to tell his wife what the situation is, should she come to them and ask about him. Then they can talk about how that will be handled, should she come seeking an answer.
A
ajecphotos
Guest
I agree. Many thanks indeed
A
ajecphotos
Guest
Thank you but i will keep to what God has told me through these priests. That is, to say nothing to my wife. No need for her to be punished massively as that is what would happen especially as we have decided to get back on track as a married couple.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
No, no, no. You misunderstand. I do not mean that you should volunteer the information. Your priests probably also know your wife, and have some sense about whether or not she wants to be told. If they told you not to tell her, then you may decide not to tell her. Deciding whether to confront someone with a wrong you have committed against them that they are innocent of is something that takes some discernment.
***CCC 2482 **"A lie consists in speaking a falsehood with the intention of deceiving."281 The Lord denounces lying as the work of the devil: "You are of your father the devil, . . . there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks according to his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies."282
**CCC 2483 **Lying is the most direct offense against the truth. To lie is to speak or act against the truth in order to lead someone into error. By injuring man’s relation to truth and to his neighbor, a lie offends against the fundamental relation of man and of his word to the Lord.
CCC 2484 The gravity of a lie is measured against the nature of the truth it deforms, the circumstances, the intentions of the one who lies, and the harm suffered by its victims. If a lie in itself only constitutes a venial sin, it becomes mortal when it does grave injury to the virtues of justice and charity…
**CCC 2488 **The right to the communication of the truth is not unconditional. Everyone must conform his life to the Gospel precept of fraternal love. This requires us in concrete situations to judge whether or not it is appropriate to reveal the truth to someone who asks for it.
**CCC 2489 *Charity and respect for the truth should dictate the response to every request for information or communication. The good and safety of others, respect for privacy, and the common good are sufficient reasons for being silent about what ought not be known or for making use of a discreet language. The duty to avoid scandal often commands strict discretion. No one is bound to reveal the truth to someone who does not have the right to know it.28
No, I mean that if she asks you point-blank whether you have been faithful or not, you may not lie to her. There are reasons that you may be silent, but you may not lie. This is information she has a right to have, if she wants it. Canon law grants her the right to absolve herself of the duty to live the common conjugal life with you, if you are guilty of infidelity and she is not complicit. She cannot exercise that right if you lie to her when she asks if you have been unfaithful. Your pastors do not have the authority to grant you a dispensation to lie to her, if she asks for that information.
You may want to clarify that with them. I would be so bold, were I you, to ask them point blank: Do you mean to say that you are giving me permission to lie to her face, if she demands the truth from me about my infidelities? I cannot imagine that any of them are suggesting that.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
Remember, OP…you are talking about withholding information that your wife has every right in the world to have. The only thing that gives you any reason whatsoever to do so much as to remain silent is that some innocent spouses do not want to be told about infidelities. Your wife has not told you that; you are guessing. If she asks whether you have been faithful or not, she removes all doubt on that question. It is information she has the right to have, and if she asks you must tell her the truth.
It is OK to make certain you tell her only as much as* she* wants to know, if she asks. If she asks, “Have you ever been unfaithful to me?” it is OK to say, “Yes. I can have Fr. X verify that I only kept silent about it out of the desire to spare your feelings. In order to be sure that I only tell you what you want to know, ask me about what you want to know and tell me what you do not want me to tell you. This was 100% my fault, and you have the right to be told what you want to be told and to let me carry the burden of what you don’t want to be told by myself.”
It is OK to make certain you tell her only as much as* she* wants to know, if she asks. If she asks, “Have you ever been unfaithful to me?” it is OK to say, “Yes. I can have Fr. X verify that I only kept silent about it out of the desire to spare your feelings. In order to be sure that I only tell you what you want to know, ask me about what you want to know and tell me what you do not want me to tell you. This was 100% my fault, and you have the right to be told what you want to be told and to let me carry the burden of what you don’t want to be told by myself.”
L
LongingSoul
Guest
I’m unfortunately not feeling this as a very healthy set up. Did you say you’ve been having an affair with your wifes best friend for the last 3 months, with the last sex on Tuesday night… woke up Wednesday and resolved to end it all and saw 4 Priests between then and now, Thursday evening? 48 hours.
It sounds too much like you are panicking and shoring up your escape routes from blame. If it blows up in your face that you didn’t tell your wife, you can say the Priests told you not to. If your adultery is found out and you are criticised for staying on as Eucharistic minister, again you can say 4 Priests told me to.
If your adultery had been an occasion or two slips… I would think it more prudent to keep it secret and move forward mending your relationship with your wife… but this has been months and months of hiding and sneaking and betrayal. If you genuinely want to start afresh with your wife with the necessary vulnerability, trust and honesty… I think you’ll need to address what you’ve done with her… maybe in the course of marital counselling. I do think that at least address it to a counsellor privately for advice rather than Priests who are generally not trained in relationship matters.
I’m not here to judge but this is your moment to man up and examine things within yourself that might be undermining your integrity as a husband and father and as an EMHC.
L
LongingSoul
Guest
(Apologies. It would be Sunday evening now your time. I knew we were ahead in time zones in Australia but my fuzzy Monday morning brain misfired in my calculations.)
P
pianistclare
Guest
Well, since you skipped Mass today …
Sorry. I just read this comment in another thread where you said you didn’t attend Mass. 
I just don’t get it.
A
ajecphotos
Guest
I see what you are saying. I can say that my wife would never ask me as she would never ever expect me to have cheated on her! It came as a great shock to me when i committed that great sin i can tell you that! No, she would never ask me that question. She has had no reason in our 30+ years together to ask it.
What the priests were saying is that i shouldnt tell her. Of course, if she did ask me that would be a different matter. Obviously the priests weren’t telling me to lie!
A
ajecphotos
Guest
A
ajecphotos
Guest
I said i didn’t attend Divine Mercy Sunday, which is the full celebration of the chaplet etc.Well, since you skipped Mass today …
I just don’t get it.
I went to vigil mass last night (Saturday)
At this mass the Divine Mercy is not celebrated.
J
Joy2day
Guest
This is true, OP, your wife has a right to know the truth, if she asks. You do not have to volunteer. She has a right, among other things, because she has the right to know whether she needs to get tested for STDs!!! You are playing with her health, as well as her marriage and trust.
You should get tested immediately for STDs and if you are found to have any - you must inform your wife immediately.
surely withholding such information is not love.
Are you aware of how many people have chlamidya (or however its spelt) or herpes, to name just the minor ones? Have you asked this lady how many people she’s slept with or whether she has an STD? not very romantic is it.
A
ajecphotos
Guest
- Status