I don’t have an answer to that exactly, but… I would like to go back to the way it was. I felt a lot closer to God before I entered the Catholic Church.
I was brought up nominally Protestant, with no real formation so to speak, ended up an adult atheist. After a born again type of experience that happened outside of any church setting, I ended up regularly attending a quiet little Anglican church which in some ways was very Catholic actually, but still, in other ways had that New England Protestant quality that’s hard to describe, but very nice. I was settled into something like CS Lewis’ “mere Christianity” and quite happy, and day by day was becoming closer to God and less sinful and more happy.
Eventually it became clear that the Anglican community had it wrong on certain issues, and as I learned more and more about the RCC, intellectually I didn’t see any other choice but to convert. My heart seemed in it, too.
But I hate going Mass, confession feels like a bad therapy session, and I don’t for the life of me understand what’s appealing about fellowship. I’m frustrated by having to explain to cradle Catholics of all people why a woman can’t be a priest, and speaking of priests, of all I’ve talked to, not one has the clear, practical spiritual advice I expected Catholic priests to possess (I blame Chesterton for the expectation).
All of it has really been wearing me down over the past year in particular. I’m just tired, that’s all. I’d like to return to sneaking into the back a small church when I feel like I need a Sunday service, not because I’ll have to go to confession for mortal sin if I don’t. I’d like to be able to take off this brown scapular without worrying that I’m somehow thumbing my nose at Marian devotion and thereby increasing the likelihood of my heading south for eternity. I’d like to go one week without hearing about the Catechism, CYO, or Cursillo, one week without novenas, extra rosary intentions and worrying about how many dying souls will have to suffer longer because I didn’t feel like praying a Chaplet of Divine Mercy this Friday. I’d like to go one Sunday without having to pretend like I’m in deep prayer after communion when the fact of the matter is that although I acknowledge the divine truth of the Holy Eucharist, my heart’s never moved after receiving.
I hope that helps explain things.
I’m a convert too, and it’s a tough row to hoe. You have a classic case of culture shock, the same way you would if you moved to a foreign country. You feel lonely, frustrated, tired, burnt out, and “homesick.” If you were to go back to that little New England Church it wouldn’t be the same, because you’re not a citizen of that country anymore. You can’t go home again, because you already are home. It’s just that home isn’t exactly how you thought it would be, and what could be more disappointing that having your home not feel homey? It’s something you have to grieve.
You seem clear that the Catholic Church is Christ’s church, so like Peter you must say, “Where would we go, Lord? You alone have the words of eternal life.” I would just tell God your feelings, and ask the Holy Spirit for comfort and consolation.
I would take ZZ192 and maltmom’s advice. Catholicism is like drinking from a fire hose sometimes. Try to simplify, do the basics, and maybe you’ll find the Catholicism that’s a nice quiet stream. Ditch all the extra devotions. Their number one purpose is to help you grow spiritually. If they don’t, they’re not the right devotions for you. Are there devotions you had as an Anglican that helped your growth? Go back to those. I would also try to find some people in church who get where you’re coming from. Are there any converts in your parish? Personally I find reading the Bible very grounding. It seems to be Christianity in its elemental form, and it’s a comfort to see the humanness of Jesus in the gospels, and David in the Psalms.
Another thing I read in your post is that you’re not emotionally satisfied. Unfortunately, our feelings are what they are. I mean, you can manipulate them to a certain extent, but sometimes you feel it, sometimes you don’t-- no matter if you’re Catholic, Protestant or Hindu. If you have to just “go through the motions” for a while, so be it. God values your faithfulness when you’re in a spiritual desert so much more than when it’s easy. I would take great comfort that the Eucharist is completely outside our feelings. Think of it, no matter what frame of mind we are in, and no matter the degree of reverence and worship we come with, Jesus shows up. He gives himself Body and Blood; Soul and Divinity at every single Mass, on all the altars, in all the world. When you’re in line for communion and after, I would just thank him for that miracle.
Stick around, so that when I’m going through what you’re going through, you can be there for me
Seriously though, the Body of Christ needs you. God has placed you right where you are for his purpose and glory. When I go to Church this morning I will ask Mary to pray for you, and to comfort you as a mother. I will say a decade of the rosary for you. I will ask the Holy Spirit to comfort you in your affliction. I will pray to St. Michael for you too.
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