Are women attracted to nice guys?

[Peace-bwu]

manualman:

Nice is a turn-off to women only if you include being timid as part of the definition of nice!

Women are attracted to confident men. Often immature women mistake arrogance or cockiness for confidence. Reading between the lines here, I’d say if you have a social anxiety problem, THAT’s the source of your romantic difficulty. (speaking from experience here!)

Go out and conquer your social anxiety. Only human interaction will do that. (Web interaction doesn’t count) Get into public speaking via classes or church activities. Nothing conquers social anxiety like experience in public speaking.

I would agree with this, my husband is nice, but definitely the alpha male leader in any situation. He is the leader type but humble and kind to others. He definitely stands his ground when it comes to ethics and morality. That is a very important trait to me. A man who stands by and allows injustice because he doesn’t want to hurt the status quo or because he can’t take a stand is not an attractive trait. A man who does it with kindness coupled with a personal inner strength is great. Integrity is the most important trait in a man for me.

 

[Peace-bwu]

Jay74:

I have two younger sisters, both intelligent and attractive. Guys who treated them well were never attractive to them, whereas guys who weren’t so kind to them often were more attractive to them. Knowing my sisters as well as I do, it isn’t men being jerks that they found attractive, even though it may have looked that way. What it really boiled down to was their perception of masculinity. Too many weak men use being the “nice guy” as a shield, basically saying that when a woman turns him down it must be a problem with her and not him.
.

This is so true. I had many guy friends in highschool and so many of them appeared “nice” on the surface but if their situation changed they were all out for themselves and not willing to stand for what is right or make good moral and ethical choices when nobody was looking. It also upset me to no end if a guy pretended to be a friend when he actually had other motives. My husband’s best friend was a nice guy, Lthey were friends since third grade, but after 5 years of friendship while I dated my husband, he hit on me while my husband (before we were engaged) was in basic training! It was so confusing because we were mutual friends for so long. When I explained that I was still in love with my boyfriend he quickly let his bad side show. He had been putting on an act for years waiting for his opportunity to steal his “best friend’s girl” I found out he had participated in theft, was an athiest, and he was passive aggressive. It wasn’t that he was so nice, he just didn’t express anger, so it was all pent up inside.

 

[Peace-bwu]

edward_george:

Once an Eagle Scout, always an Eagle Scout…hahaha and i’m almost there…

Sorry I should have said “is.”

It is amazing how often I discover that my close friend’s husbands are Eagle Scouts, and they are all still serving God and country, They are all in the airforce and great husbands and fathers.

 

[Peace-bwu]

Peace-bwu:

When I was very young and immature I was attracted to the cockiness and arrogance, but thankfully was very hurt by a guy like that in my early dating experiences, he broke my heart and I realized that they were very bad qualities!

I can’t understand the lack of humor being an attractive trait. I am most attracted to my husband when he is making me laugh! I don’t like people who make jokes at the expense of others, though! Also, I could never be attracted to a guy who is less intelligence than myself. He must me a *tiny *bit smarter, but not arrogant about it. I like humility. Nothing turns me off more than a man who thinks he is smarter than everyone else, and puts others down because of it! A man who knows he is smart, yet realizeds he has much to learn is great!

Ok, I was writing this at a very hectic time of day! I had to laugh at my misspelled words, especially considering the subject matter!

 

[Peace-bwu]

Ricardus:

Um, Madaglan, how exactly shall I put this? (Cough.) (Ahem.)

(Somewhat louder cough.) (Ahem.)

(Pretty darn loud cough.) (Ahem.)

I don’t get it. Is the coughing a sign of approval or disapproval or do you have a chest cold? Are you pointing out a problem or hinting at something else? Since we can’t see your face it isn’t very clear… we see a but that is a little vague.

 

[Ricardus]

Peace-bwu:

I don’t get it. Is the coughing a sign of approval or disapproval or do you have a chest cold? Are you pointing out a problem or hinting at something else? Since we can’t see your face it isn’t very clear… we see a but that is a little vague.

I was agreeing with you! In other words, I was basically giving Madaglan a nudge, nudge, wink, wink that he should perhaps look into some possibilities that seemed to be on this very thread. In so doing, I was seconding your suggestion!

Perhaps the coughing and clearing of the throat was a little vague (or possibly just a regional, Connecticut thing for getting someone’s attention), but I would have thought that their appearing beneath a few very carefully selected quotes would speak for themselves. Oh well. But I hope Madaglan now understands the hint!

A is rarely a sign of disaproval…or of a chest cold!

 

[silverwings]

Alot of my friends prefer the ‘bad boy’ image but I like the nice guys as long as the stad up for what they believe in. And there is nothing wrong with trying to help a girl with a troubled life as long as you do not expect to get more than the two words Thank You from her. The guy I like is what i would call a nice guy. He does not have the pretty boy look to him but he is handsome and smart. He also gives the respect for my intelligence and person that few other guys would show a woman. We had a few things in common to begin with, like us both being interested in street rods, and we have learned to compromise on other things. I am scared of heights but I have agreed to some moderate rock climbing. While he has agreed to some horseback riding (at a slow walk ) with me. You just need to find a woman who likes you for who you are and is willing to adjust to your likes/dislikes as long you are willing to do the same for her. And, it seems like you have alot of support form the poeple of this forum, so I hope that you find her, who ever she may be.:yup:
~K~

 

[Madaglan]

Thanks again to everyone who responded.

Originally Quoted by Ricardus:Quote:

Originally Posted by Peace-bwu

OK, it’s time to get Elazistaci and Madaglan together!

(Pretty darn loud cough.) (Ahem.)

 

[Madaglan]

You know, I probably would get together with her if she were closer (and if she agreed, of course )

Unfortunately, about a year ago, I did try to have an online relationship, although it never turned into a girlfriend/boyfriend thing, since I never met her in person. I started talking with the girl from a non-denominational Christian forum site called secretmotive.com. Her name was Amber and at first I thought that perhaps we were suited for each other. Now that I think about it, she was the one who first started mentioning her feelings for me, and who asked if she could talk with me on the phone. I talked with her on the phone for a period of several months. I really enjoyed talking with her, and I was hopeful that perhaps we could meet over the summer.

She said that she had an ex-boyfriend (Brandon, who evidently was still a “friend”), but when I politely asked about him (since I am not a girlfriend stealer; I don’t care if some people think that real men should be one), she told me that he was no longer in her life, and that he wasn’t the type of person with whom she wanted to spend the rest of her life (she then implied that she really liked me and that I am the kind of person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with). I later found out that Brandon was doing foreign service somewhere and was coming back soon. Amber then told me that she was going to go down south to pick him up and that she would call a week later when she got back north (she lives in VA, I in PA). I was a little suspicious of all this, ever since I heard about Brandon, and I was justified in my suspicions.

I never got a phone call back from her, and when I tried to call her phone, she never answered. I sent her emails asking if she was all right, and feared that she may have hurt herself while driving down. I used to talk with her on aol instant messenger all the time, so I looked for her on there, but I never saw her again…until six months later when I saw her screen name suddenly appear on my aol instant messenger screen. I im’ed her, and in return I received the following automatic response:

“I am proud to announce that I am the happy fiancee of Brandon ______!!!” (I am keeping his last name anonymous for protection of others.)

Although she was a baptist, I didn’t feel that she was really strong in her faith, although I really liked her because she was friendly, funny, and because she kept on telling me that she loved me (for who I am as a person, which made me feel really good) and that she had dreams of me and her walking along the beach together.

So, although I’m not discounting future online relationships, I am now a bit wary of them, as you can understand.

 

[Black_Jaque]

Hmm. I never exactly had women fawning all over me, but I eventually got married. It couldn’t have been because I was rich. I kinda like to think I was a nice guy, although I did my share of stupid and crazy stuff - but I was havin’ fun. By stupid and crazy I don’t mean treating women poorly. Just stuff like throwin’ aerosol cans in campfires, jumping outa vehicles into snowbanks, things like that.

 

[Ricardus]

Madaglan:

You know, I probably would get together with her if she were closer (and if she agreed, of course )

So, although I’m not discounting future online relationships, I am now a bit wary of them, as you can understand.

Fair enough, so don’t try for an online relationship again, try for a real life one in person! Some initial online contact can be ok, for breaking the ice and getting to know the other person a little better. And then, if you both mutually feel that you want to meet and see each other in person, all the better.

To quote Angela Lansbury in an old Murder She Wrote episode (I think), “Faint heart never won a fair lady.”

Remember, Elizastaci isn’t despairing yet, and neither should you. Good luck and God bless you both in your search!

 

[mark_a]

Madaglan:

There was this one girl I really liked, since I thought that she and I had similiar interests, but when I hinted that I liked her as more than just a friend, I later found out from one of her other friends that she sees me as only a friend, and that she has never seen me as anything more than that.

You might need to bust a move a little more quickly. Your success/failure ratio will increase, and the pain of rejection will decrease. More gain, less pain.
Girls, generally speaking, have a psychological need to think you are under their spell and that you cannot keep yourself, try as you might, from making a move (asking her out).

If you do not ask her out during your first or second conversation, her feelings are hurt.

Ok ladies, you can commence throwing rotton tomatoes.

 

[Firebug]

mark a:

Ok ladies, you can commence throwing rotton tomatoes.

Throws rotten tomato

 

[silverwings]

mark a:

If you do not ask her out during your first or second conversation, her feelings are hurt.

Ok ladies, you can commence throwing rotton tomatoes.

Not all girl will have hurt feelings. The guy I am with now liked me for several months before he asked me out, and we saw each other nearly everyday at lunch and club meetings with plenty of conversations in between. And I couldn’t throw any tomatoes if I wanted to. The mocking birds finished off the last of them about two weeks ago.
~K~

 

[Madaglan]

Originally Quoted by mark A:

You might need to bust a move a little more quickly. Your success/failure ratio will increase, and the pain of rejection will decrease. More gain, less pain.
Girls, generally speaking, have a psychological need to think you are under their spell and that you cannot keep yourself, try as you might, from making a move (asking her out).

If you do not ask her out during your first or second conversation, her feelings are hurt.

Ok ladies, you can commence throwing rotton tomatoes.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I think I may have accidentally hurt a few girls’ feelings because I didn’t act fast enough (because of social anxiety, mostly ).

I think one thing that has made a BIG difference is I now have friends who are girls, even if most of them I only talk with on the phone. In high school I didn’t have any friends who were girls, so although I liked some girls a lot (especially the blue stockings ) I felt really shy even to talk with them.

I am just wondering something. It seems that many romantic relationships develop from what is initially just friendship. Now that I can talk to girls with more ease, do you think that getting a girlfriend through friendship is the most likely path for me? Do you think that girls ever start out with a guy as a just friend but then find that they are attracted to him and his personality, and so give clues that they want more than just friendship?

 

[Firebug]

I myself, still don’t get why or how on earth not acting fast enough could hurt a girl’s feelings? I guess I’m just not as sensitive as some girls are…

Madaglan, Perhaps one of your female friends do have more feelings for you, and they are too shy to hint to you?

 

[Madaglan]

Originally Quoted by Firebug:

Madaglan, Perhaps one of your female friends do have more feelings for you, and they are too shy to hint to you?

Well, the annoying thing is that there is one girl who likes me and I like her, but she lives all the way over on the West Coast. She’s a really sweet Christian girl, but she has had lots of problems in her life–sexual abuse, poverty, health problems, etc. Ever since she was kicked out of home with her dad by her mother, I only have kept occasional contact with her. Unfortunately something bad happened to her a few months ago, and now she isn’t even living with her father, and has sought the refuge and assistance of a local evangelical church. So, I barely hear from her now.

I really wish I knew her in person and not just through the internet. She’s a living saint. She went on a missions trip down to Mexico and cut children’s hair and cleaned lice off of them. She was reported in the news because of it, I think. She has plans to go on a missions trip to Russia to help the people there, but she’s not sure if she can now do that, because of finances.

I told her that I really like her, and she told me the same thing. We both have social anxiety, and we are both deep thinkers. But we just live so far away.

She was the girl I was referring to when I said that I’m attracted to girls who have problems in their lives. I still wish that I could make her life better, because I would be very caring and supportive of her, I think. But unfortunately I don’t think that I will ever have a chance to meet her, especially since she is now super-cautious with people on the internet, especially after someone she met on the internet tried to kidnap her (she lives in a city that has one of the highest rape incidences in the U.S.)

 

[Firebug]

In my opinion, it’s not bad to want to be in that girl’s life with her. But it’s not going to be easy for you either, which is probably why a lot of people try to avoid people with problems. But nobody’s life is exactly innocent and free of error.
I know how it is to be a deep-thinker and have social anxiety, I’m no social butterfly either! I too have had the opportunity to be in a long-distance internet relationship (which never would have worked out, come to find out, he just got married ) You and me, among a lot of other people who have the same “problems” will find that special someone to share our lives with. Hey, no one said that it was easy!
I’m sure that if you and your close friend lived closer together, things would be so much easier to come around and happen. God makes these things happen for a reason though. Maybe you have to fight for what you want, and think is right.

God bless you!
-Christina
P.S: It’s early in the morning, and I’m not an early bird, so if this post has areas where it doesn’t sound clear…Ooops, my apologies!

 

[gaothdearg]

Girls, generally speaking, have a psychological need to think you are under their spell and that you cannot keep yourself, try as you might, from making a move (asking her out).

If you do not ask her out during your first or second conversation, her feelings are hurt.

Ok ladies, you can commence throwing rotton tomatoes.
A lot of people here are a bit mad

 

[Christian4life]

I completely disagree that girls need to feel a guy is “under their spell”. I’ve seen that a lot from guys, never from girls.

I myself don’t like a guy unless he seems only neutral towards me in the beginning. If he was too eager, he may still have had a chance but that counts as one strike.

My husband and I were friends for a year before we started talking about dating. I was even seeing other people occasionally during that time - which he still gets jealous about!