Bad behavior when left with Dad

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1Lord1Faith said:
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Xanthippe_Voorhees:
It’s a total mess and the family needs help before a child is seriously injured, mom burns out or CPS is called.
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To me, a total mess would be the father leaving his family and the kids are acting out all the time.

This OP seems like normal family struggles.
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It’s normal for a father to be incapable of watching a 7 and 3 year old for a half hour? In what family? The Simpsons?
 
There is no indication he’s incapable. He just isn’t as good as mom, doesn’t have her experience and expertise, and had a bad day with the kids. Yes, all normal.
 
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1Lord1Faith said:
There is no indication he’s incapable. He just isn’t as good as mom, doesn’t have her experience and expertise, and had a bad day with the kids. Yes, all normal.
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No, no it is not. The OP believes that the father will not want to be “left” with HIS OWN CHILDREN again.

He is not a new parent. They are 7 and 3. He’s had 7 years to figure this thing out. There are no excuses.
Giggly_Giraffe said:
He is frustrated that they don’t respect anything, and probably doesn’t want to be left with them again
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without knowing all too much, given the information provided …

your husband needs to man up and be a father, be the husband he’s called to be. Sounds like he jsut wants to play with the kids and doesn’t want to be the responsible father.

tough situation, but almost all situations can be resolved simply by starting with the basics, in this case, we could be general and say we need to do what we’re supposed to do, when we’re supposed to do it, and how we’re supposed to do it, even if we don’t want to.

not to add fuel to the fire, but if he’s like this as a father, how’s he as a husband? does he do dishes? laundry? do stuff around the house? does stuff for his wife jsut because it’s a tuesday?
 
I made a comment to another person here about her MIL moving in. My MIL is in eternal rest.
 
Giggly_Giraffe said:
He is frustrated that they don’t respect anything, and probably doesn’t want to be left with them again.
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A baby-sitter can have this attitude but not a parent. Don’t cave to any desire not to be alone with them.

Second, make sure you and your husband have each other’s backs. Kids will take advantage of any disagreement or inconsistency between you two.

I disagree with the pee-on-the-floor assessment. I’d say to seek professional advice only if it was more than a one-time incident. You’ll just have to take CAF advice with a grain of Morton salt and decide on your own how to proceed.

I definitely think that professional advice from a family therapist would help, though.

I’m not saying that we need to go back to the “good” old days of Don and Betty Draper. But I do think that modern fathers are having a hard time defining their role, especially as gender roles change and work-life balance gets poorer. This doesn’t change the basic fact that your husband is a father, not a baby-sitter.

I would caution you NOT to allow a dynamic enter your marriage by which you do all of the hard work of discipline. Taking this route is exhausting, unsustainable, unfair, and a recipe for burn-out.

I would give your husband some ownership over the problem. For example, “I have a meeting at church coming up. What would you like to do to prevent a re-occurrence of last time?” Long-term, he should delve into some parenting books and site. I really like Positive Discipline, by Nelsen, Lott, and Glenn.
 
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Good lord.

I’d have beaten to death if I ever spoke to either of my parents like that.
 
Yeah, my husband may need to “Dad-up”. I have noticed he never makes a decision, yet he always wants to make the decision. He’s often hurt at the purchases and activities (Ballet, ice-skating, religious ed classes) because he has not said “ yes “ after I discussed it with him. However, he is usually glad at the final outcome. Oh, and watching how he handled his sick mom and dad … I’m scared … no decision was ever made and things got worse and worse.

As a husband, I have won the lottery. He is addicted to doing laundry. I’m convinced it’s a genetic thing. His mother did 10 loads of laundry a day (not exaggerating here). My oldest (yes the one who pee’d on a pillow) fights with me to do laundry! My husband won’t let me near the sink to do dishes. He even playfully growls when the kids try to do the dishes. He’s bad at putting things away, and car maintenance (which I’m decent at). Unfortunately for him, I’m the happy slob who likes tv & video games. I’m the fun one who is also the main one to correct the kids. If anything, it’s probably because he comes from the perfect family and I come from the crazy family. I may be blind to what he see’s as needing correcting and without enough time to talk to the guy and get to understand how to get to his perfection … well, the kids probably are easier to correct than me …
 
You are being rather harsh here. No excuses? Until you know all the ins and outs of their family, I don’t think it’s fair to judge. You jump to some very stern conclusions.
 
Maybe a first good start would be with their pediatrician. Usually, there is already some kind of relationship established.
 
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I don’t think it’s harsh to say the OP’s father needs to step up. From what I take away from OP’s posts is her husband is never there and when he is he does not appear to prioritize his children. Probably part of the reason the 7yr old does not respect him is because he isn’t there, and when he is, he wants everything done exactly how he likes it. But he has no leverage to get this - he isn’t there, doesn’t spend time with his kids, doesn’t make any decisions. So something needs to give.

This does not excuse the children acting up, and I stand by suggestions that peeing is not a normal response to this situation. They need to be punished and the OP and her husband need to be a team, with both of them pulling their weight.
 
Domer90 said:
You are being rather harsh here. No excuses? Until you know all the ins and outs of their family, I don’t think it’s fair to judge. You jump to some very stern conclusions.
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For a grown adult parent not to be able to take care of a 7 and 3-year-old alone and for that person’s spouse to fear that they cannot be left alone with that person anymore because they will refuse? Something is very wrong.
 
I think the consequence your daughter was given for refusing to come home was a little strange. What exactly was she supposed to help him with, following him around the yard? Mowing the lawn? Something more effective might have been to tell her she was not allowed to jump on the neighbor’s trampoline for a few days, for refusing to listen to her Dad. Children who do not come home when they are told do not get to do said activity.

The eye rolling is also a problem- what consequences does she get for doing something like that?

But, a seven year old urinating on someone else’s property is more concerning than anything else here. That is not at all normal behavior, even for a kid who is ticked off at her dad. Did either of you talk to her about it? Make her clean it up and/or do extra chores to pay for a new pillow?

It seems like the two of you really need to get on the same page regarding consequences. Your husband may need your help- you both should be supporting each other. Your husband really shouldn’t be complaining if he does nothing to enforce the rules, but the next time your daughter does something you can always tell her that you are going to talk it over with her Dad, and that the two of you together will decide what an appropriate consequence is.
 
Something is very wrong here. I think your husband has some deep seated issues that need to be worked out with a professional therapist. The reactions your kids have to your husband, the urinating, the way you describe your husband grumbling and cursing under his breath, his outburst about the keepsake being broken… I repeat, something is very wrong here. As a mother and a teacher, I would be very concerned if this were going on with a child in my charge. As a professional, I would be required to intervene if a child in my classroom told these events to me. Please seek reputable counseling from a therapist.
 
I quite agree with many suggestions. I think the very first parentening rule we learned was for one parent not to undermine the other. We used a book called 1 2 3 Magic. Children are good at dividing and conquering.
 
I understand, but we are reading black words on a white screen. There may be a lot being unsaid or the post was written in frustration. I’m a lousy poster because I think people can read my mind. I encourage the OP to seek professional help as well.
 
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