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Domer90
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Well, in my sphere, that could be debated.
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Domer90
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Yes. I didn’t want to say it, but we thought the same thing. And it manifests very differently in boys than girls.
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Domer90
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Absolutely don’t wait. Some pediatricians have great references for behavioralists or child psychologists, just based on past experiences. And often, with a peds referral, you may be seen quicker.
And as always, insurance and $$$ rule the day.
And as always, insurance and $$$ rule the day.
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Domer90
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Um, they are some serious red flags.
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Allegra
Guest
In my experience, it’s not that rare, and the most common situation I’ve seen is where the “good parent” is very active with the kids, talks to them, observes and tends to their needs prior to a crisis situation arising, and generally pays attention, while the “less good parent” ignores the kids until he or she is reacting to a catastrophe. However, urinating on purpose at the age of seven seems extreme for even that sort of situation. Unless dad forgot to feed the kids because he was staring at his fantasy football team on his phone for hours while sitting on the house’s only toilet, I would be pretty concerned about peeing on other people’s stuff as a way of getting attention. PS- while some parents have always been glued to their phone conversation or newspaper, I think the rise of the smartphone culture has caused a rise in this particular parenting problem.
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mickeyboggs
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I would gently try to figure out the root of the problem - why do they disrespect him? The disrespect does not just occur. I would just sit down with your children and have a heart to heart. Talk to them like they are being heard and listened to and just like they are adults. Create a safe, trusting environment where they can speak freely about whatever is causing this behavior. It is important to understand what is going on in their minds too. Before you punish behavior, find out why the behavior is occurring. You already know how your husband feels now talk to the children.
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Xanthippe_Voorhees
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Being neurodiverse is not nearly as serious as some of the other implications.
I didn’t say they weren’t serious, but there are far more serious things that need to be ruled out and addressed.
No just with the child, but with the parent.
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Xantippe
Guest
But it could be contributing to everybody’s problems relating to each other.
It wouldn’t surprise me if mom and/or dad have some neurological differences, too.
No offense, OP–I don’t mean that in a mean way, but just describing some issues to be aware of. I think I’d be looking at the possibility that ASD, OCD and/or ADHD may be issues that various people at your house have issues with. If, for example, one parent has OCD (and/or other issues) and another has ADHD (and/or other issues) and a kid or two has ASD (and/or other issues)–OH MY!
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Xantippe
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Yeah.
For example, young kids need food, water and reminders to potty. If you forget to provide those things, bad stuff can happen.
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Xantippe
Guest
I know people have talked about this already, but here are some more thoughts:
a) It’s not great that he didn’t get more (name removed by moderator)ut about the punishment, given that the offense was disrespect to him
b) How did he ask her? If it’s not an emergency, it’s best to give kids a chance to shift gears. For example, say “One more minute of bouncing, Suzie, then we need to go home.”
c) Ignoring your kid is bad
d) Your husband seems to have a tendency to seek out non-kid work projects at home. Is it because he’s afraid of dealing with the kids? He needs to develop his relationship with the children, and one of the ways he can do that is by giving them positive experiences of working with him. I was a huge daddy’s girl as a kid, and one of the big reasons for that was that I often did projects with my dad or tagged along to help him do stuff (cattle herding, firewood collecting, etc.) and it was a positive experience for me and I got a lot of attagirls from my dad for helping him. Your husband needs to figure out safe ways to involve the kids in his projects. (Of course, he probably wants some me-time to do stuff by himself, and he should get it.)
e) I suggest both you and your husband read the book The Explosive Child. It’s not a Catholic book, so there’s one section that will make you go NOPE!, but the book as a whole is excellent in demonstrating how to use non-confrontational, non-dictatorial methods of dealing with school age children and helping to involve them in problem solving. It’s also excellent for teaching spouses how to deal with each other in the same way.
Good luck!
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Xanthippe_Voorhees
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Oh, certainly. But my husband took care of our children from day 1. When my first was 9months (reliably eating and drinking “solids”) I could leave the house for a couple hours. By the time the children were older who was watching the kids was more a matter of timing and respect and never a question of desirability or capability.Xanthippe_Voorhees:
But it could be contributing to everybody’s problems relating to each other.
It wouldn’t surprise me if mom and/or dad have some neurological differences, too.
No offense, OP–I don’t mean that in a mean way, but just describing some issues to be aware of. I think I’d be looking at the possibility that ASD, OCD and/or ADHD may be issues that various people at your house have issues with. If, for example, one parent has OCD (and/or other issues) and another has ADHD (and/or other issues) and a kid or two has ASD (and/or other issues)–OH MY!
Our family isn’t wholly neurotypical, but we are very careful to “know what we don’t know”. I’m severely ADD myself, as well as dyslexic. Today, the label might be different. We (as a society) are still learning things about neurodiverse people. The situation the OP faces has gone way too far and the actions taken by the child are ones that don’t just flag for neurodiversity, but for abuse and mental and psychological problems.
That was my point. The family is dysfunctional. Functioning families have two adults who can care for their children. When a family is not working, the biggest danger is that they are often victims of outside abuse…and while the other things flag for neurodiverse behavior, the very real probability that abuse of a child could have occurred is very real and needs to be eliminated ASAP in case it did happen and is ongoing. Not being neurotypical has lifelong implications but is not as serious…
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Xantippe
Guest
Note that your husbands instinct is to deal with the things, not the people.
It’s not terribly wicked of him that he has that reflex, but I think he should understand that about himself, and make a point of prioritizing the people over the things. It’s probably not a coincidence that the girls knew exactly what would push his buttons, namely break and soil things.
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Xantippe
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I agree that outside abuse is a possibility that has to be eliminated, but I think that just having a dad who doesn’t pay positive attention to them would be enough to generate the behavior described. (One of my kids was about 5 when we did a long distance move, and she had about a month after we moved of pee accidents at least once a day. I believe cats sometimes do more or less the same when they’re mad or stressed about changes.)
Relationships are like bank accounts, and you can’t keep making withdrawals if there aren’t deposits being made in the relationship. You have to have enough in your account to cover withdrawals.
Also, if being good doesn’t get parents’ attention, kids will often be bad.
Relationships are like bank accounts, and you can’t keep making withdrawals if there aren’t deposits being made in the relationship. You have to have enough in your account to cover withdrawals.
Also, if being good doesn’t get parents’ attention, kids will often be bad.
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gcshapero
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I don’t know – I’m only going off of what was posted.
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Allegra
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At this point in the school year, a 5yo is most likely pre-school. Most states require a child to turn 5 prior to the end of July before starting kindy.
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Xantippe
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Me too.
The OP hasn’t mentioned any positive interactions between her husband and the kids.
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gcshapero
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Well, she knows the situation better than I do. My perspective may be totally in a different area. But working out a plan with the husband is still necessary.
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Xantippe
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That’s what I’ve said.
But being harsher with the kids isn’t necessarily the way forward–it sounds like he’s already been pretty harsh.
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gcshapero
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I don’t know if I’d use the word harsher. It sounded like when his kids weren’t obeying him, he was being passive aggressive. When I said dropping the hammer, I didn’t mean harshness without compassion. That’s why I also said it’s important to understand how each child responds to affection so that affection can be properly displayed too.
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Xantippe
Guest
You might not realize this, but this bit:
is very unusual. As most moms can tell you, kids tend to be especially good for their daddies or grandmas or teachers and save their worst behavior for mom.
This is also unusual:
It’s more common for little girls to be crazy about their daddies and for daddies to think that their little girls can do no wrong.
So, this situation is off the charts weird for an intact family.
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