Being single...not a vent thread

[EasterJoy]

The truest thing I have seen posted on here: Catholics get no support unless they are married, divorced or elderly. Amen to that. And, before someone asks, “Well, is feeling empty and depressed a good enough reason to turn away from the Real Presence?,” let me say - yes, for some of us singles out here, it most certainly is a good enough reason. There isn’t even a “Singles Life” sub-forum on CAF…! It’s a “Family Life” sub-forum. Swell.

And, no, the Church doesn’t owe me a wife. However, being single precludes me from participating in all of the sacraments that other Catholics enjoy. That’s not fair.

There is a Families Forum because there was a need. People were posting and answering family-type questions. If you want a Singles Forum for talking about the problems of dating and celibacy outside the religious life and other things that are not Family problems and because you’re not looking for people who have gone through your problem and have now moved on to different problems…well, that is a great idea! You might try asking for one.

As far as Catholics get no support unless they are married, divorced or elderly…since you are criticizing people who have children to take care of or a major life stressor to live through or who have lost their youth, please tell us who in the Church you are supporting? You have no family to support, you are young. What is your excuse for expecting the Church to revolve around you?

The great irony, of course, is that Catholic singles who go out and look for places to live the Christian life have this way of running into other committed Catholics who have a prayer life, who have devotion to the Eucharist, who find the time to volunteer and the will to do if for the very same reason. They go out to help others, they take the time to cultivate a relationship with God, they are devoted to the Mass, and–what do you know?-- they are the ones snagging those good committed Catholics that others “just can’t find anywhere” because they don’t have any particular devotion to the Eucharist and no more than an hour a week to devote to the practice of their faith.

I don’t want to be too hard on anyone, because it is hard to find committed Catholics to marry. Dropping out of Mass as it suits you, though, is not a good way to attract one.

 

[CountrySinger]

At least y’all don’t live in Seattle area, where I’ve tried every parish in the area (believe me, I’ve done multiple searches and trips), and they are either full of families or old people. If there are women my age, they are all married.
It is awkward to be the only one who isn’t married. I’m kind of stuck, moving isn’t an option at this time. I love the area otherwise.
I think the churches here are actually hurting my faith. I ENJOYED Mass when I was out of town, but I hate them here. Always preaching about money, families, or food. Really helps guys.

I miss my hometown parish. It had an awesome priest. If it wasn’t 5 hours away, I would so go there.

 

[JadeStarr]

The customers don’t follow me, but Sunday is my day of peace (and Mass isn’t very peaceful for me here). The longer Mass is just an opportunity for the priests to ask for more money. And I tend to zone out at Mass about 10 minutes in, so longer doesn’t equal better. I like daily Masses, 20 minutes= DONE.

My trip was wonderful, we actually had a surprise trip to the Vatican (where I had the ultimate feeling of inadequacy). I was looking over my shoulder just waiting for one of the guards to say “Ma’am, we need you to leave”. My boyfriend was teasing me because everytime we went to Mass, I would get all nervous.

The Masses I’ve attended were only fortyfive minutes at most, if you were in a good parish you could hitch a ride with someone who has a car. Do you think that maybe you would be happier in another church? Maybe a Baptist church or one that is more socialized?
It’s interesting to me that a number of people on this thread have seen their experience at Mass as a singular experience, they don’t want or need the idea of “fellowship”.
I though the idea of Church was to fellowship with other people, there’s the rest of the week for individual prayer. Isn’t the purpose to be where three or more are gathered?

 

[CountrySinger]

Singles have it hard as well. Singles might have more freedom, but that freedom leads to trouble. Since they have no real accountablity, they might as well do what they want. Because no else will care.
Ideally, married people should be helping each other get to Heaven. No one is helping single people get to Heaven, if they make it, it is because they did it by themselves. And God, but I’m talking about things that are tangible.

Wow, I am really passionate about this. I think I found my job in the Church. I’m just tired of single people being written off. Now to find single Catholics in Seattle, and organize! Of course, I can’t run it, it would be weird since I am dating someone. And that would cause me to be kicked out. Single mean no serious relationships, no engaged people, and no married people!

 

[EasterJoy]

Singles have it hard as well. Singles might have more freedom, but that freedom leads to trouble.

This can be very, very true.

Since they have no real accountablity, they might as well do what they want. Because no else will care.

There are many places to find accountability, if we only open ourselves to them. If we don’t open ourselves to them, then marriage won’t fix us. This is where a regular daily prayer life and a habit of frequenting the Sacrament of Penance and the Mass become even more vital.

Ideally, married people should be helping each other get to Heaven. No one is helping single people get to Heaven, if they make it, it is because they did it by themselves. And God, but I’m talking about things that are tangible.

Yes, married people should be helping each other get to Heaven, but after that…you absolutely have to be kidding. I do not even know where to start with all the wrong-headed assumptions in that statement. I have to hope you just totally mis-wrote what you meant.

Is Heaven itself “tangible” to you? When you repeat in the Creed that you believe in “the communion of saints”…what do you mean by that? Which of the saints do you believe would say that they “did it by themselves”? And again…who are you helping to get to Heaven? You cannot get there on your own partly because unless you concern yourself with other people who are worse off than you are or more vulnerable than you are or who need what you have, even if it is only your prayers and blessings, you will never get there at all. No one, but no one, walks into Heaven alone. You have to be bound to others by love…not eros love, but agape love. There isn’t another gate.

Remember Jesus’ prayer in John? "I pray not only for them, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, so that they may all be one, as you, Father, are in me and I in you, that they also may be in us, that the world may believe that you sent me. And I have given them the glory you gave me, so that they may be one, as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may be brought to perfection as one, that the world may know that you sent me, and that you loved them even as you loved me. " John 17:20-23

The Lord was not talking about married couples. He was talking about the Church.

Wow, I am really passionate about this. I think I found my job in the Church. I’m just tired of single people being written off. Now to find single Catholics in Seattle, and organize! Of course, I can’t run it, it would be weird since I am dating someone. And that would cause me to be kicked out. Single means no serious relationships, no engaged people, and no married people!

Nobody who has ever tried to run a parish writes off single people; not that I know of. Every single parish I have ever been in has had at least a few single people–just single, I’m not counting the priests and vowed religious–as the very backbone of what the parish does. Catholic non-profits are full of them, too.

You’re in Seattle. Go over to Blessed Sacrament parish, find yourself a Dominican, buy him a cup of coffee, and talk to him about this. Or grab one the Jesuits over at Seattle University. Just find somebody to explain this whole remaining-a-single-grain business to you. Being a single Catholic adult is enough trouble, without having a misunderstanding of the basics.

 

[CountrySinger]

This can be very, very true.

There are many places to find accountability, if we only open ourselves to them. If we don’t open ourselves to them, then marriage won’t fix us. This is where a regular daily prayer life and a habit of frequenting the Sacrament of Penance and the Mass become even more vital.

Yes, married people should be helping each other get to Heaven, but after that…you absolutely have to be kidding. I do not even know where to start with all the wrong-headed assumptions in that statement. I have to hope you just totally mis-wrote what you meant.

Is Heaven itself “tangible” to you? When you repeat in the Creed that you believe in “the communion of saints”…what do you mean by that? Which of the saints do you believe would say that they “did it by themselves”? And again…who are you helping to get to Heaven? You cannot get there on your own partly because unless you concern yourself with other people who are worse off than you are or more vulnerable than you are or who need what you have, even if it is only your prayers and blessings, you will never get there at all. No one, but no one, walks into Heaven alone. You have to be bound to others by love…not eros love, but agape love. There isn’t another gate.

Remember Jesus’ prayer in John? "I pray not only for them, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, so that they may all be one, as you, Father, are in me and I in you, that they also may be in us, that the world may believe that you sent me. And I have given them the glory you gave me, so that they may be one, as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may be brought to perfection as one, that the world may know that you sent me, and that you loved them even as you loved me. " John 17:20-23

The Lord was not talking about married couples. He was talking about the Church.

Nobody who has ever tried to run a parish writes off single people; not that I know of. Every single parish I have ever been in has had at least a few single people–just single, I’m not counting the priests and vowed religious–as the very backbone of what the parish does. Catholic non-profits are full of them, too.

You’re in Seattle. Go over to Blessed Sacrament parish, find yourself a Dominican, buy him a cup of coffee, and talk to him about this. Or grab one the Jesuits over at Seattle University. Just find somebody to explain this whole remaining-a-single-grain business to you. Being a single Catholic adult is enough trouble, without having a misunderstanding of the basics.

I have to assume that no one in my parish is going to help get me to Heaven. So it is up to me and God. And why should other people care? They don’t know me, I’m just the single woman in their parish, not their family member or friend. If I’m not at Mass, it is more space in the pews. And more space in Heaven for them. And I’m sure the Communion of Saints has better things to worry about than one person.

Priests or any person in the vowed religious life makes me very uncomfortable, so I’m not likely to just ask for a chat (this is the same person who gets nervous at Mas, and thinks that I will get asked to leave). I know they are better than me, and I would just be wasting their time. That is te good thing about being single, it that if you stop attending Mass, no one cares (even if you are in the choir).

 

[havana1]

I wish I could grab a coffee with a priest. Such a concept is unheard of these days. Getting an appointment to talk with a priest is like getting an appointment to talk with your Congressman. I’m not exaggerating. You can’t even call him directly - can’t text him or call his cell phone because everything goes through a secretary who limits his available hours. Where, exactly, does one find a parish where you can grab a latte with a priest or nun and talk about Catholic stuff?

Needless to say, families and seniors get bumped to the top of the list when the secretary schedule appointments for the priest. I had to wait three weeks last time I wanted to talk to a priest. THREE WEEKS. I’m sure if I had a kid or spouse, I would have gotten next-day or same-day appointment.

 

[CountrySinger]

I wish I could grab a coffee with a priest. Such a concept is unheard of these days. Getting an appointment to talk with a priest is like getting an appointment to talk with your Congressman. I’m not exaggerating. You can’t even call him directly - can’t text him or call his cell phone because everything goes through a secretary who limits his available hours. Where, exactly, does one find a parish where you can grab a latte with a priest or nun and talk about Catholic stuff?

Needless to say, families and seniors get bumped to the top of the list when the secretary schedule appointments for the priest. I had to wait three weeks last time I wanted to talk to a priest. THREE WEEKS. I’m sure if I had a kid or spouse, I would have gotten next-day or same-day appointment.

I had the same experience when my faith was really bad, my parish priest was “unavailable” for several weeks. So I gave up on that avenue. I know I wouldn’t be comfortable and able to say how I was really feel anyway, so it was for the best.

 

[EasterJoy]

I wish I could grab a coffee with a priest. Such a concept is unheard of these days. Getting an appointment to talk with a priest is like getting an appointment to talk with your Congressman. I’m not exaggerating. You can’t even call him directly - can’t text him or call his cell phone because everything goes through a secretary who limits his available hours. Where, exactly, does one find a parish where you can grab a latte with a priest or nun and talk about Catholic stuff?

Needless to say, families and seniors get bumped to the top of the list when the secretary schedule appointments for the priest. I had to wait three weeks last time I wanted to talk to a priest. THREE WEEKS. I’m sure if I had a kid or spouse, I would have gotten next-day or same-day appointment.

As my grandmother-in-law used to say, if wishes were horses, all the beggars would ride. What have you done in order to grab coffee with a priest? Have you done anything to make his life better? Cultivating relationships within the parish that take more than 90 minutes out of one’s week allotted to getting in and out of that church parking lot is getting to to be unheard of, too. Why do people wonder that they’re not as close to their clergy as they used to be?

Maybe if you were on the edge of whacking your poor kid into next week or divorcing your spouse, you’d get right in, just like a single person would get right in if she were contemplating getting an abortion or moving in with her boyfriend. But if you don’t have a pressing problem–which this issue I’m talking about is not–it is kind of rude to make yourself into one. And frankly, I think it is rude to suppose that the secretary gives preference on access to the pastor to parishioners based on marital or parental status. Is this your actual experience? To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if a pastor wouldn’t choose to have a little more variety, if he were actually choosing.

It does help, too, if you are one of the people who shows up when there is work to be done or for daily Mass or when he has Eucharistic devotion or a lecture on the Scriptures, one of the people who always lets him know when he’s done a good job, or one of the fraction of the people in the parish he sees in the confessional over a month’s time. (Which, by the way, would be good things to do before you ask him why you can’t find a committed Catholic to marry…)

Actually, you don’t have to do all that. although ideally you ought to do at least some of them. You do have to remember he’s a human being with a lot on his plate.

IOW, yeah, sometimes he might get you in sooner–if he’s spoiling for some caffeine, you might get him the minute he gets his chasuble off after daily Mass–but of course it might take three weeks. How many of your friends, responsible for their own business or a 60 hour a week job, would you just drop in on and expect they’d drop everything over a casual issue? If it is a more-or-less casual issue and you have respect for how nuts his life is, you’re OK if it takes three months. If I’m having our pastor over to dinner, I figure on looking at five or six months out. Sometimes he has something sooner, but sometimes that is just not the way it works.

Catch a Dominican, catch a Jesuit after Mass, tell him what you want to chew the fat about. Tell him it’s not pressing, you’re willing to wait, but would he or a brother Jesuit or brother Dominican explain a theological point you don’t understand over a cup of coffee? Your treat, suited to his schedule. If you really want that, you can get it. Don’t say you can’t until you’ve tried.

 

[EasterJoy]

Maybe we should start over. After all, this is “not a vent thread.”

 

[3DOCTORS]

Been away awhile and come back to see this discussion has become, how shall I say, definitely passionate, even at times heated. This may be my last post here, I don’t know. I do want to say that anything I have suggested in terms of “fraternal correction” on not giving up on Mass or anything else, I have said out of concern for the immortal souls of the persons involved. Not that I’m judging the state of anyone’s soul, rather that the Commandments were made for all by the Creator for us His creatures.

There is a God. I’m not Him. None of us is. I have tried to speak the truth in love and I will pray for all for whom I am concerned, again in love. And I will pray for peace and joy for them as well as the gift of obedience. God bless.

 

[kib]

Norseman, Jesus takes the devil very seriously and you should too. Jesus can heal your scarred heart if you let Him in. Being bitter and rude is not conducive to finding a mate.

 

[Norseman82]

Norseman, Jesus takes the devil very seriously and you should too. Jesus can heal your scarred heart if you let Him in. Being bitter and rude is not conducive to finding a mate.

Well, I guess a person who became an atheist in their sophomore year of college would know more about the devil than someone who didn’t.

When you cut a person, he/she bleeds. That is human nature. When you get a few more years of practical experience under your belt you may understand and not jump all over those of us who are “bleeding” from our “cuts” (hopefully it won’t take as many “cuts” for you to understand).

Tell me, are you still a virgin? Parents still alive and married?

 

[Nec5]

Can we vent about this not being a vent thread but being a vent thread anyway?

 

[kib]

Well, I guess a person who became an atheist in their sophomore year of college would know more about the devil than someone who didn’t.

When you cut a person, he/she bleeds. That is human nature. When you get a few more years of practical experience under your belt you may understand and not jump all over those of us who are “bleeding” from our “cuts” (hopefully it won’t take as many “cuts” for you to understand).

Tell me, are you still a virgin? Parents still alive and married?

Unfortunately I know quite a bit about sin. Fortunately, however, this has allowed me to know so much more about God’s love and forgiveness. I will never let you or anyone else attempt to belittle me because of my sinful past, the Lord REJOICES over my return. I give Him so much praise and glory for saving me, for never letting me go- I will forever serve Him and strive to lead souls to Him. Your hatred has no power over me, Norseman. You have an ugly soul, I pray that our Blessed Lord heals it so you can serve Him better.

I’m not a virgin and both of my parents are alive and well.

Also, once again you and I are going to go down this same path. Tell me where I attacked you and I will apologize…, You have targeted me time and time again, the last time this happened you threatened to beat me up for crying out loud! Pray that God heals your hear Norseman, you are in serious need of grace. God bless you my brother in Christ.

 

[EasterJoy]

When you cut a person, he/she bleeds. That is human nature. When you get a few more years of practical experience under your belt you may understand and not jump all over those of us who are “bleeding” from our “cuts” (hopefully it won’t take as many “cuts” for you to understand).

There is nothing wrong with being single and wanting to be married. There are a few who are just certain they are never, ever going to marry until the right one comes along and sets them on fire, but wanting to be married before actually finding someone to marry is how most married people wind up married. The same thing happens to married couples who want children and do not get them right away. Of course it hurts to have a desire that you cannot fulfill, when the desire is a good one. The waiting can hurt very much. It is not wrong to not want to immerse yourself in the company of people who have what you can only wish for at present, either.

IOW, when I point out that there are things about being unmarried that are spiritually beneficial, the encouragement to be grateful should not be interpreted as meaning that someone who still wants to be married must be some kind of an ingrate, or that the person should have no problem surrounding himself with nothing but married people and the problems of the married.

I mean to say, “while you hope for the desire of your heart in tomorrow, remember to drink in the graces of today”. Everything has its season. Of course if you dream of peaches, get a peach tree, water it, ask around about how to farm peaches. There is nothing quite like really, really good peaches. If you’ve always wanted peaches and can’t get yours to grow, it would take a cold heart not to feel for you…and that’s just peaches, for crying out loud.

I’m just saying that it is no betrayal of peach season to be thankful that there are strawberries, to keep us until the peaches get ripe. The truth is, really good strawberries could keep a person happy for a lifetime, if the peach crop fails, but only if you take the time to have some.

What the human heart has to have is love. It is a mistake to wait for marriage to fill your life with it. Just as after you marry, before you marry you find that love is not a feeling, but a decision. What we need is something we can do a lot to choose. Having made that choice in a more universal way as a single Catholic before doing it in a particular way as a married Catholic can only enhance a couples’s marriage later, and will lead to a full Christian life if marriage never comes. That’s all I’m saying.

 

[kelvinf]

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[KrazyKaiju]

I am single and have never felt alienated or been treated rudely by anyone associated with church.

What are you guys talking about?

Have you ever gone to a church by yourself and realized that you’re being singled out? Has the seat you’ve occupied ever been surrounded by empty space for a good 5-foot radius? Have you ever gotten that “everyone’s watching me yet not willing to reach out or say hi” feeling?

If not, consider yourself lucky.:dancing:

 

[Miserys_Fence]

I actually prefer to be left alone/ignored at Mass; I don’t go there to socialize.

Try some activies/clubs outside the Church if you want support. If you’re looking for Catholic friends, keep in mind that most Catholics do NOT spend all of their time in the Church and you’re more likely to meet other Catholic singles elsewhere.

For those of you who are looking for a partner–maybe you should look outside of Mass, at a venue where socialization is more the norm? I met (and dated) 3 very sweet Catholic men–including my late fiance–at a bar.

1. No, I didn’t date all 3 at one time!
2. I don’t mean to make it sound like all Catholic men are barflys or drinkers. This particular bar is more of a neighborhood stop-in, with real food and not just deep-fried “bar food.” I even took my daughters there to supper last night. My late fiance was actually a musician in a band that the bar had hired, and he rarely drank.

Miz

 

[Norseman82]

Unfortunately I know quite a bit about sin. Fortunately, however, this has allowed me to know so much more about God’s love and forgiveness. I will never let you or anyone else attempt to belittle me because of my sinful past, the Lord REJOICES over my return. I give Him so much praise and glory for saving me, for never letting me go- I will forever serve Him and strive to lead souls to Him. Your hatred has no power over me, Norseman. You have an ugly soul, I pray that our Blessed Lord heals it so you can serve Him better.

I’m not a virgin and both of my parents are alive and well.

You know, if I had a history of fornication, I would mind my place and find ways of atoning for what I have done to contribute to the poisoning of the dating pool by fornication instead of calling people who are breaking their backs obeying the rules without any relief “ugly souls” and throwing around the “devil” card. Salvation did not come to the house of Zaccheus the tax collector by him saying “nyah nyah nyah, Jesus forgave me, you have an ugly soul”, but rather by repaying fourfold the people he cheated. THAT will lead more souls to heaven than calling people “ugly souls”.

Yes, people are tempted, but your responses only add fuel to the fire and only exacerbate the temptation. They are as useless as what James said in chapter 2 about if you see someone in need and say “be warm and well fed” but do nothing to meet their needs, you have done nothing. In fact, you didn’t even say “be warm and well fed”, but rather called called people “ugly souls” and played the “devil” card. Is that the example of a Christian - or of a pharisee that Jesus warned us to avoid? Is THAT of God - or the devil?

You need to take a break from posting and look in the mirror. Until then, congratulations - you are the first person that I am putting on ignore.