Burned by Religious Communities

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As the title suggests, I feel like I’ve been burned by the two religious communities I seriously thought I may have been called to. I was with one for three years and the other for three months. Both made promises about great formation, freedom to discern, and gave impressions that it was surely God’s will for me to be there. There was a lot of subtle manipulation, though it may have been unintentional at best. Also, there were promises made that were not kept. And I certainly didn’t feel free to say no. All of that being said, I learned and experienced invaluable things while there and met wonderful people as well. My point is this: it’s not that I don’t value what I’ve come away with—it’s that I can’t possibly imagine trusting that God is speaking through those whose charge it is to lead and guide prospective candidates for religious life or priesthood. I sincerely want o believe that God is speaking when a priest, vocation director, or superior is speaking; but my experience has given me an impression to the contrary. Now they seem more like zealous recruiters who want to selectively swell their ranks rather than a mother or father I can trust to be concerned with my wellbeing.

Has anyone else had this experience? I ask because it’s not as though I don’t still think I might have a vocation, but it’s that I feel like I’ve earnestly tried and my trust was betrayed.
 
CTuck said:
As the title suggests, I feel like I’ve been burned by the two religious communities I seriously thought I may have been called to.
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I don’t really understand your beef here.

You flirted with committing to become part of these orders, and ended up making the decision that it wasn’t a good match. That kind of thing happens, its part of the discernment process.

Do you think they were stringing you along, or were dishonest with you? Of course they are going to talk about the positivities about their work when discussing their work with prospective members or donors, but that doesn’t indicate that you were burned.
 
I was with a community for six years and left before final vows. They were very gracious. I feel indebted to them. That was many years ago now and I have out them in my will.
 
CTuck said:
Both made promises about great formation, freedom to discern, and gave impressions that it was surely God’s will for me to be there.
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I would say that, in my opinion, whenever a person discerns a vocation to ordained ministry or consecrated religious life, then God’s will truly is for that discernment to occur! That doesn’t mean that all who discern, or enter seminary or the novitiate, will find out that they’re called to that vocation. But that’s ok… 'cause God wants us to ask Him the question of how we should best follow His vocation for us.

I’m kinda confused by the way you put things – “zealous recruiters” and “selectively swell[ing] their ranks” seem like mutually exclusive propositions. What do you mean by “selectively”, then…?
 
CTuck said:
There was a lot of subtle manipulation, though it may have been unintentional at best. Also, there were promises made that were not kept. And I certainly didn’t feel free to say no.
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Augustinian said:
That kind of thing happens, its part of the discernment process.
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Perhaps that was my mistake, I mean this sincerely. I presumed that the people in charge were just as sincere as I was. My contention is that they were deceptive and now I find it difficult to think that I can trust someone to help me discern in a disinterested way.

Excuse me if I omit some details, but one of these communities had a huge crisis within the year after i left wherein the superior and major formators were made to leave because of this very issue (manipulating, pressuring, etc.) Sadly, much of the community has left as well. These were the people telling me that I surely had a vocation to their community, that I just needed to trust God and give myself to the formation, and that if I left I would be lost.

To frame it another way, has anyone else ever had the experience of a superior, formator, or vocations director try to manipulate them to join the priesthood or religious life?

I am not criticizing the priesthood or religious life, only relaying my experience of an abuse and trying to find people who can relate with me.
 
Sorry to hear about your experience, but glad you shared this topic.
In fact, I’d love to read more about what happened.
Be careful who you put your trust in.
Pope Francis - trusted the word that no abuse was going on - and now 30 Cardinals want to resign.
Sounds like some sort of “ reform “ happened after you left the place though !
 
Gorgias,

I agree with much of what you had to say. What I meant with regard to your question was that they didn’t want just anybody, but the ones they wanted they tried to convince to join irrespective of that person’s concerns, ability, or overall real vocation. It was much more of a “join and stay” than a “come and see.”

Does that make sense?
 
I was in a Benedictine monastery for over two years, between the ages of 19 and 21.

I never felt there was any pressuring or abuse, misleading or lying.

That said, I was anything but fond of the prioress. Her personality, beliefs about human nature, and just how she prioritized things constantly rubbed me the wrong way. In monastic life, that can happen, and God uses it to teach humility, obedience, patience… In short, God uses that to sanctify a soul.

But I didn’t leave because of the prioress. After two years, I just knew monastic life was not my vocation. I longed to be making a difference in the world. And now, as a teacher and a mom, I do. 😃

I’m sorry you’ve gone through tough times in pursuing your vocation, and I pray God uses your experiences to lead you to the place He has planned for you!
 
Thank you for your encouragement. The thing that hangs me up is that I would prefer not to go through all that again. It was awful. I can’t reference the following, but someone once told me that St. Augustine wrote that God calls some that the Church rejects, and the Church ordains some that God rejects. I find it hard to know when you can trust people in the Church to communicate God’s will in these matters.
 
Seagull and Gertabelle,

Thank you for sharing and for your kindness. It makes a difference to me.
 
(name removed by moderator),

Thank you very much. I will take your advice to heart.
 
Make sure the order’s you were discerning have Papal Approval, not just the local Bishop.

I’ve seen to orders without Papal Approval, order to disband by a new Bishop.

Jim
 
You know, this happens. It happened to me too but then discovered this small group of monks had several Freemason leaders, so it was a blessing to go.
Blessed Solanus Casey had many trials; he’s a great inspiration.
I assume you have a spiritual director somewhere? Have you discussed this with them yet? Many young people, and not so young people who seek communion in community feel needs to have a fatherly relationship with the abbott, but it’s not always found.
Trials and set-backs are bound to happen. Keep petitioning our Lord, for he will never fail you.
Shalom
 
A bishop cannot tell the group to disband. He can revoke the letter he gave them, but the group just loses official diocesan status. They can reside together, and continue their Apostolate, with a uniform. He does not have any right to disperse the members.

If people are called to a community with Pontifical Right, they will discern such. But outright prejudice against new communities is not the mind of the church. The pope recently said that new communities were nothing to be afraid of.
 
Yes a Bishop can tell a group to disband. I’ve seen it happen in Florida to a group who were friends of mine and I saw the letter from the Bishop.

Their only recourse is to find another dioceses, which rarely happens.

Jim
 
Part of discernment is following your instinks. You listen and pray but decide with your heart. In sounds like God spoke to through some people who were not using the right approach. In my view no one can tell you that you have a vocation unless they are truly guided by the Holy Spirit!
 
Look up some of the lives of the Saints. They suffered humiliation, injustice and even persecution at the hands of the Church. Yet, they persevered and were eventually famously successful.

Charity demands that you blame yourself first. Knowing yourself is considered to be more important than knowing God. First, because God is ineffable, and secondly because knowledge of self will help you to advance in the virtues.

The fourth spiritual work of mercy is to: “To bear patiently those who wrong us.”
 
CTuck said:
but the ones they wanted they tried to convince to join irrespective of that person’s concerns, ability, or overall real vocation. It was much more of a “join and stay” than a “come and see.”

Does that make sense?
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Sure, I understand now.

From your OP, it sounded like they didn’t want you, but it was the exact opposite, they hard-sold you on this and tried to get you to commit even though you weren’t feeling it.

People have given me the hard-sell for years over one thing or the next. “you will look like a movie star in this suit”, or “this Cadillac is really you, a fine ride and an investment” or “you really need this prostrate operation”.

Its just the way some people communicate, but saying “no” is part of life and you learned how to say it.
 
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