Can emotional pain justify divorce?

[mnpapist]

My question is this: Does ongoing emotional pain justify a divorce? I’m asking for personal opinions as well as any Church teachings.

Here’s my situation: I’ve been married for 16 years. The first 3 years were “normal” in terms of emotional and physical intimacy. AFter our first child was born, my wife became afraid of all physical contact. Even holding hands and hugs. She may have some form of PTSD. We have gone to several counselors over the last 13 years to no real avail. I am depressed, but somewhat able to function thanks to the marvel of modern medicine. My psychological state is very fragile and I often feel extreme sadness and anger when I am getting into and out of bed with my wife. I am just feeling like I can’t continue this situation. The problem is that we have 4 sons ranging from ages 5 to 13. I don’t want to hurt them because of my emotional weakness, but it’s getting to the point where I am ready to give up. Some days I can barely function. My wife has hope that our situation will get better, but I don’t have any reason to hope that it will. I am burned out and beyond trying to fix it. What is a good Catholic man to do?

Thoughts?

 

[aicirt]

You’ve gone to marriage counselors. Have you thought that she should be seen by a physician and a psychiatrist?

 

[Xantippe]

You’ve gone to marriage counselors. Have you thought that she should be seen by a physician and a psychiatrist?

Right.

One of my relatives just came back from a residential PTSD program and she feels much better and is much more functional. (This after 7-8 years of some very dysfunctional behaviors.)

 

[mnpapist]

Yes the medical avenues have been covered. She’s on medication for anxiety as well. It doesn’t help the core problem of fear of intimacy.

Also, I should note that I’m not trying to blame her, just trying to get opinions about a “no-fault” situation which is very unfortunate for all involved. We’ve both tried hard.

 

[Xantippe]

Yes the medical avenues have been covered. She’s on medication for anxiety as well. It doesn’t help the core problem of fear of intimacy.

Also, I should note that I’m not trying to blame her, just trying to get opinions about a “no-fault” situation which is very unfortunate for all involved. We’ve both tried hard.

If you were to divorce, be unable to get an annulment, live alone for the rest of your natural life, and only see your kids for 2 days a week from now on, how would you feel about that?

Also, how capable are either you or your wife of caring for your four children alone for long periods of time?

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m so sorry, OP. I would not wish what you and your wife are going through on anyone.

If you were to divorce, be unable to get an annulment, live alone for the rest of your natural life, and only see your kids for 2 days a week from now on, how would you feel about that?

Also, how capable are either you or your wife of caring for your four children alone for long periods of time?

Although canon law allows separation of a validly-married couple when the common conjugal life is damaging to either or both of the partners or to any of the children, it does pay to consider that the separation will also have painful consequences. As for divorce, it is morally permissible when it is necessary to gain a just division of assets, but not all couples who have a just cause to separate find that civil divorce is necessary. This is a particular concern for you, since it is not strife and unreliability that are causing your problems, but an unwanted incapacity to fulfill what is a marital duty if the capacity exists. It seems that you believe not that your wife will not and has never intended to fulfil her marital duty. It seems that even you believe that she simply cannot. If that is the true situation, but the roots of her PTSD arose after marriage, that is not grounds for a decree of nullity.

OP, is it possible to simply get a separate apartment or a house with separate bedrooms that you or your wife can use to find somewhere to get some respite? Even happily married people get separate bedrooms for reasons as simple as snoring, insomnia, or odd times of retiring to be or rising. That’s a lot less disruption to your life, your finances, and your children than a divorce.

You ought to consider that your situation may be no more different than if your wife had a physical accident that prevented sexual intimacy. In other words, there is every reason to believe you are validly married and that this is an unfortunate situation where the “worse” part of “better or worse” is a lot worse than anyone ever wants to think about.

What is a good Catholic man to do? Well, he has to leave separation as a last resort, but he does have the right to separate with the bond remaining if he is in serious mental danger if he does not separate. I’d suggest you talk to your pastor about this and stay in contact with him on an ongoing basis. As a good Catholic man, though, you do have to take care of your own health, too. Taking care of your mental health is a duty, not a self-indulgence.

What you should not do is to imagine that you will be free to date other women if you do divorce. Don’t go there unless you have not only gotten reason to believe your marriage is invalid but have also gotten confirmation from a tribunal that it is in fact invalid. Frankly, that is not the way I would bet, knowing only what you have said so far. In spite of the widespread complaints, tribunals do not rubber-stamp requests for decrees of nullity.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

Yes the medical avenues have been covered. She’s on medication for anxiety as well. It doesn’t help the core problem of fear of intimacy.

Also, I should note that I’m not trying to blame her, just trying to get opinions about a “no-fault” situation which is very unfortunate for all involved. We’ve both tried hard.

Has it been uncovered as to why she is afraid of intimacy with you? Did she have a particularly rough pregnancy and doesn’t want to get pregnant again? You don’t have to answer these questions here. Just something to think about, if it hasn’t been thought about already.

 

[mnpapist]

She would actually want another child if she could have one. Fertility is questionable at this point. She has tried to get to the root of the problem with therapists for years with no success. I am faced with the choices of living this way or leaving. I don’t know which is worse.

 

[Mary_Estelle]

Perhaps you could try what my parents did after 11 children and a miscarriage. Twin beds. No, I am not trying to be funny, but it was helpful for them-well not 100 %-until my Mother passed the age of child bearing. Probably wouldn’t work for everyone. Peace.

 

[tweedlealice]

Hi,
We just celebrated our 49th anniversary. Some chapters of the Book of our marriage were horrible. Some chapters were wonderful. You have the pen.Read Ephesians 5 or 6.How a husband and a wife should treat each other. When Adam and EVe left Eden w the orders for the wife to DESIRE her husband. My children said they would have left him 5 times Unbeknownst to me I married a man(26) w damaged goods. He had PTSD from a UN mission w Ireland. They sent them to the Congo. He was sick w ringworm and was in sick bay. His company had a mission and never returned. All that was left was a boot w a foot in it w the tibia. The whole company was cannibalized. Later, we did the Viet Nam thing. There was more PTSD. For better or worse. The worse will get better. She is afraid of pregnancy. Go to a class on Natural Family Planning in the church. Plan a short cruise to the Bahamas. Get her a little buzz w champagne and remember how it was when you were young. (before children)
Children are blessings but they can interrupt a marriage. If you forgot how to be romantic–buy a book. SMILE.
read Song of Solomon on your romantic night.
in Christs love
tweedlealice

it will be all right. She isn’t rejecting you. She’s afraid of pregnancy.
There are the 12 commandments. But, there was a phrase something a sin being connected to our level of conscious.

 

[808Catholic]

My question is this: Does ongoing emotional pain justify a divorce? I’m asking for personal opinions as well as any Church teachings.

Here’s my situation: I’ve been married for 16 years. The first 3 years were “normal” in terms of emotional and physical intimacy. AFter our first child was born, my wife became afraid of all physical contact. Even holding hands and hugs. She may have some form of PTSD. We have gone to several counselors over the last 13 years to no real avail. I am depressed, but somewhat able to function thanks to the marvel of modern medicine. My psychological state is very fragile and I often feel extreme sadness and anger when I am getting into and out of bed with my wife. I am just feeling like I can’t continue this situation. The problem is that we have 4 sons ranging from ages 5 to 13. I don’t want to hurt them because of my emotional weakness, but it’s getting to the point where I am ready to give up. Some days I can barely function. My wife has hope that our situation will get better, but I don’t have any reason to hope that it will. I am burned out and beyond trying to fix it. What is a good Catholic man to do?

Thoughts?

'What’s a good Catholic man to do?" Do as Jesus does. We are told to love our wives as Christ loves His Church. Love is more than physical intimacy and this might be the cross Christ asks you to carry for now. God Bless you.

 

[EasterJoy]

… I am faced with the choices of living this way or leaving. I don’t know which is worse…

There are several choices between sleeping in the same bed every single night and divorcing. You can get separate beds, you can get an extra place to live. Either one is a lot cheaper than a divorce and a lot easier on your children. Getting a divorce and going through a child-custody dispute isn’t exactly the world’s greatest treatment for depression, either, after all.

Having said that, you might benefit from having an apartment or even a separate bedroom or a “retreat” that one or the other of you can use when the need arises. That is something you might talk about to her and to your counsellors. That is definitely a question I would run by a professional that knew me and my situation well.

If you want to be a good Catholic, realize that the choice of having a morally-permissible sexual relationship is something you cannot assume will ever be available with anyone but her. A divorce *does not *set you free to date other women. It is going to separate you from your children some of the time. That doesn’t sound like a solution for an intimacy problem. Some kind of informal separation arrangement might help you to get some relief from the stress you are describing, though. That isn’t something you’d have to be a “bad Catholic” to consider.

 

[Xantippe]

It’s also reasonable to take regular solo trips to see friends or family or to pursue hobbies (for instance hunting or fishing) and encourage your wife to do the same.

 

[mnpapist]

Thanks EasterJoy. That is helpful information. I don’t want to be in another relationship, and I would be happy to avoid divorce.

 

[St_Francis]

Sometimes when people are upset about a situation, they latch onto a solution which they think will solve everything and they hang on to that idea.

Not to answer here but to consider:
How will leaving your wife and children affect your emotional state? How do you think leaving will help?

What do you think would be the negative effects of living in some second-rate place, all alone, will be on your emotional state?

What do you think the effects will be on your children of your leaving and breaking apart your family?

Sometimes we look and only see the good part of the solution, but there are some very dark aspects of the route you are considering. Your wife is not *causing *your distress–she is herself in a bad place. You are suggesting abandoning the woman you promised to love…

I would suggest as an alternative plan that you learn how to live with your wife and sons in a different way, a way that is sustainable for you, rather than running away. First, of course, develop a really strong spiritual life, get close to God. That will provide a secure foundation on which you can learn to deal in a healthy way with your difficulties.

 

[jaimeleglise]

A good therapist could help two reconnect by starting slowly, hand holding, romantic dinners, etc.
I do hope she wasnt molested by a relative in her childhood.

 

[mnpapist]

Hi,
We just celebrated our 49th anniversary. Some chapters of the Book of our marriage were horrible. Some chapters were wonderful. You have the pen.Read Ephesians 5 or 6.How a husband and a wife should treat each other. When Adam and EVe left Eden w the orders for the wife to DESIRE her husband. My children said they would have left him 5 times Unbeknownst to me I married a man(26) w damaged goods. He had PTSD from a UN mission w Ireland. They sent them to the Congo. He was sick w ringworm and was in sick bay. His company had a mission and never returned. All that was left was a boot w a foot in it w the tibia. The whole company was cannibalized. Later, we did the Viet Nam thing. There was more PTSD. For better or worse. The worse will get better. She is afraid of pregnancy. Go to a class on Natural Family Planning in the church. Plan a short cruise to the Bahamas. Get her a little buzz w champagne and remember how it was when you were young. (before children)
Children are blessings but they can interrupt a marriage. If you forgot how to be romantic–buy a book. SMILE.
read Song of Solomon on your romantic night.
in Christs love
tweedlealice

it will be all right. She isn’t rejecting you. She’s afraid of pregnancy.
There are the 12 commandments. But, there was a phrase something a sin being connected to our level of conscious.

You have completely missed the boat. Sorry she is NOT afraid of getting pregnant. It’s not that simple. We’ve tried all the “romantic getaway” stuff. I’m not trying to trick her into having sex. It’s very different and she IS terrified of even holding my hand. I don’t even want to try anymore. I’m burned out. So is she.

 

[mnpapist]

A good therapist could help two reconnect by starting slowly, hand holding, romantic dinners, etc.
I do hope she wasnt molested by a relative in her childhood.

We’ve tried all that… no go. There was physical abuse and neglect in her family. It’s a very sad story, but that doesn’t help us.

 

[mnpapist]

Right.

One of my relatives just came back from a residential PTSD program and she feels much better and is much more functional. (This after 7-8 years of some very dysfunctional behaviors.)

Can you PM me with the name and location of the program?

Thank You!

 

[EasterJoy]

We’ve tried all that… no go. There was physical abuse and neglect in her family. It’s a very sad story, but that doesn’t help us.

All you can do is your best. There is a reason canon law allows separation with the bond remaining. Still, I would think that it might work out the best for you if you can try the least disruptive measures first. Considering the extremity of her issues with touching, you both may find sleeping in separate beds lowers your anxiety for the time being, provided that one of you isn’t essentially relegated to a couch.