Can emotional pain justify divorce?

[1990Domer]

Perhaps, but no guarantee, addressing the issues of his eldest child may make a whole world of difference in his marriage.

Just a small personal antidote. My child was diagnosed on the autism spectrum at age 3.5. We knew there were issues beforehand, but when we heard the words, my husband’s reaction was far different than mine. I went into shock. He used logic to figure out how best to help son. I mourned. He was matter-of-fact.

However, setting up and taking my child to his therapies fell on me. Carrying out the therapists’ instructions also fell on me. My child fought me tooth and nail when I had to do therapy with him. He was also a big kid for his age (tall DH) and very strong, especially during meltdowns.

DH would come home from work and, if he observed me letting my son “off the hook” and not following the therapists’ advice consistently, he would lecture me. Well, he got an earful from me. I was angry and resentful that he didn’t appreciate how hard raising our son was. (We’ll forget the bad parenting comments I received when I had to take DS with me to a doctor’s appointment or shopping.) We had no family close to us who could help, and many of my friends deserted me because they didn’t want their kids to pick-up bad habits from my kid.

So, during those days before I was really unable to express my sadness and frustration, I didn’t find DH too attractive. I resented the fact that he was able to “get away” from the chaos of the house. As I mentioned before, we had a holy family but not a happy family.

Slowly and steadily through tedious therapies, my son thrived. Our marriage thrived. Things aren’t perfect. I am giving a talk about bullying to religious Ed instructors from 21 parishes. But, even though my son is a wonderful, loving child, he still gets hurt, he needs social skills practice, life is stressful. He’s being cyber schooled because of the bullying trauma of his sixth grade year. But having my DH on the same parenting page and listening to me vent as opposed to trying to fix me (or the situation) has made a world of difference.

God bless my MIL that she left money in a trust to DS to allow us to hire a tutor to work with him during cyber school. God bless DH for saying that this is a great use of our money. I am writing this with a huge smile as I see my son’s confidence return!

I hope some can understand how complicated family dynamics could be.

 

[1990Domer]

You have a child who fights with you and your wife 24x7. That would seem a source of immeasurable pressure on your wife and marriage. Fighting with one’s child is like the opposite of an aphrodisiac.

You made a commitment to each other. Your children flowed from that commitment and the physical intimacy associated with it. Taking care of your marriage is the first priority, but mother and fathers often put their children first. It’s common to do that when there’s a newborn because a newborn baby has such high needs. Eventually the balance is usually restored, but it sounds like that balance has been out of whack for years.

Give your wife and yourself a break from that child. Look at respite care on a regular basis. Neither of you should have to live with constant arguing from your offspring. Divorcing your wife isn’t the answer. Getting appropriate help for your wife and child is.

AMEN!

 

[gardenswithkids]

Also, for the record, my wife did not call me unattractive without me prying it out of her. She said it with tears of guilt in her eyes. It’s not like she flippantly makes comments about my appearance on any kind of regular basis. I was actually glad when she finally admitted it because it helps me understand her motivations. I’m beyond the point of being hurt by it.

I’m curious. Does the child with all the emotional problems physically resemble you? Does she see something that reminds her of the child she struggles with every time she looks at you? It’s not uncommon for children to look like their biological fathers in at least some ways.

Consciously or subconsciously, your looks may now bring her pain because of the struggles and trama of raising an emotionally disturbed child.

 

[Still_Hoping]

She would actually want another child if she could have one. Fertility is questionable at this point. She has tried to get to the root of the problem with therapists for years with no success. I am faced with the choices of living this way or leaving. I don’t know which is worse.

I am sorry I don’t have the time to read all the posts but from this and your original post I get the impression she got PTSD after the birth of your first child? Why then, if this is true, would she consider having many other children? Please don’t take this the wrong way, I am just trying to understand.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m not so sure I buy that you’re beyond the point of being hurt by it. Having been depressed, I’m also not so certain that I’d account this as a permanent sentiment on your wife’s part. Since she said it with tears, I think it is not how she wants to feel or perceive, but only what she had to admit she can feel and perceive in her present condition. Until proven otherwise, this is her illness talking. It is not false so much as it can’t be reckoned truly unless the true source of what she said is also taken into account. This is not how she wants to feel, and it is certainly **not **how she wants you to feel.

Right.

Also, if circumstances are bad enough, nothing sounds good. You know how when you’ve got a tummy bug, nothing sounds good to eat, even stuff you would normally love? Same thing.

I know there are guys on here that believe that lack of female desire is always caused by lack of attraction, but it works the other way, too–lack of attraction can be caused by lack of desire.