It doesn’t have to be anybody’s fault in a complicated mental health situation.I really need to agree with Xantippe here that appearance may not be reality. I remember about 2-3 years ago there was a man in a troubled marriage. Nearly all the blame was put on the wife. However, we do not know HER side of the story. Also, we are filling in gaps with what may be our reality and not the true reality.
I mean no harm or disrespect to the OP. I just know when I posted when I was angry with my husband, all sorts of conclusions were drawn and I would vow never to do that again.
Let’s be compassionate to both parties please.
I don’t think I want anyone to point fingers or place fault or blame. I merely picked-up on the fact that they have a child with special needs, and that alone could be a chapter that hasn’t fully been explored.It doesn’t have to be anybody’s fault in a complicated mental health situation.
Just from what the OP has posted, it sounds like both of them have tried very hard over the course of 13 years.
I think that persistence deserves a lot of praise–for both of them, actually. It doesn’t need to be the case that anybody here is doing anything seriously wrong.
Yes. That affects everything.I merely picked-up on the fact that they have a child with special needs, and that alone could be a chapter that hasn’t fully been explored.
We prayed for your family tonight. You obviously have a large cross to bear with your 13 year old son. I obviously wish the best for you and your wife, but sometimes it’s out kiddos trying to get us to Heaven! I know mine has taught me more about compassion and selfless love than I would ever have had if he wasn’t in my life. I hope you can find some peace this week.Again I have to say a big Thank You to everyone who replied. I have heard more common sense answers here in 24 hours than I have heard from expensive therapists in the last 13 years! Thank You Catholic Answers forums! Please pray for me and my family.
Her not telling him that he is unattractive would probably make him more comfortable. You do have to take a stand sometimes. You can’t allow yourself to be abused. You don’t stay out of anger or spite or to win a contest of wills. You stay to maintain your dignity. You stay to show that you will not be walked all over. You are firm so your wife gets the help she needs. You don’t enable her. Maybe she needs him to be strong and firm for her to get better?
Right. It would be natural for both of you to be emotionally exhausted, even if you only had just your oldest child to deal with. And you’ve got so much more than that to cope with.I am hoping you see that I am not only worried about the marriage but the family unit. Moms are really good at beating themselves down when they have a child with an invisible disability. They are often not supported by their neighbors, family, family friend. It lead to a very isolating life when the wife is the primary caregiver. Physical pain and exhaustion set in as well.
Right. It would be natural for both of you to be emotionally exhausted, even if you only had just your oldest child to deal with. And you’ve got so much more than that to cope with.
mnpapist, this is just a suggestion. We have struggled with a child who sounds almost identical. Our other two are angels by comparison. Do something significant now. We just kept putting up with it hoping that he would ‘grow out of it’. I feel embarrassed to say this but at 22 years old he went on a rampage of smashing out walls and doors early one morning after smoking marijuana all weekend and we had to call the police. (We later learned that a girl he had liked for a long time rejected him). The police told us that so many parents tolerate stuff thinking it will just get better on its own and they deal with elderly parents still being bullied and abused by middle aged children. We were directed to a group called Tough Love which I know had its beginnings in the US. Their literature was a godsend. We went to the support group for a while but the groups do attract ‘tough love extremists’ unfortunately… like any good organisation. You have to nip it in the bud now though because they don’t grow out of it. The police (and the police prosecutor) gave us so much help and encouragement to be strong based on the inevitable cycle of these types of kids.Yes this is definitely a factor. We’ve tried many therapies/approaches with him as well, nothings worked so far. Recently found a good psychologist. We’ll see if he will even go to the appointment. Has been very uncooperative lately. Just tonight I had to leave for a while just to get away from his incessant arguing. We are both very exhausted with all that’s happening.
If I can respectfully disagree, a psychiatrist mat be a better option and a full neurological work up with coping tactics. If he goes to school, he should in on an Individualsed Education Plan. Sadly, nowhere have I seen a child “grow out” of something extreme. So, I agree. I think this family needs supports. A sit down with teachers, school psychologist and principal and, if they can afford, an evaluation by a good child psychiatrist (not an adult one). Medication has come a long way in helping children with anger management issues. So many better methods of treatments come alone. OP, please PM me is needed. I think this problem may be bigger than you.mnpapist, this is just a suggestion. We have struggled with a child who sounds almost identical. Our other two are angels by comparison. Do something significant now. We just kept putting up with it hoping that he would ‘grow out of it’. I feel embarrassed to say this but at 22 years old he went on a rampage of smashing out walls and doors early one morning after smoking marijuana all weekend and we had to call the police. (We later learned that a girl he had liked for a long time rejected him). The police told us that so many parents tolerate stuff thinking it will just get better on its own and they deal with elderly parents still being bullied and abused by middle aged children. We were directed to a group called Tough Love which I know had its beginnings in the US. Their literature was a godsend. We went to the support group for a while but the groups do attract ‘tough love extremists’ unfortunately… like any good organisation. You have to nip it in the bud now though because they don’t grow out of it. The police (and the police prosecutor) gave us so much help and encouragement to be strong based on the inevitable cycle of these types of kids.
I hope you don’t have to endure the behaviour to the extent we did but you need to get really sound help for that situation… and now!
I think people are probably correct about the not growing out of major issues.If he goes to school, he should in on an Individualsed Education Plan. Sadly, nowhere have I seen a child “grow out” of something extreme. So, I agree. I think this family needs supports. A sit down with teachers, school psychologist and principal and, if they can afford, an evaluation by a good child psychiatrist (not an adult one). Medication has come a long way in helping children with anger management issues. So many better methods of treatments come alone. OP, please PM me is needed. I think this problem may be bigger than you.
Sleeping in different room from time to time is one thing. Moving out of the room is something else. If your wife wants you to stay and you sleep elsewhere, she could be hurt by this. She may come to a conclusion that you cannot be in the room because she can’t provide you sex. Talk it through if you do do it. Being alone in your situation is not always good either.whm,
she’s not walking all over me. If I decide to sleep somewhere else, it will be because I chose to and not because she is telling me or wanting me to. She wants me to sleep in the bed next to her. Sometimes I just can’t do that.
This started after our first child. We have struggled through times where this was better and worse. Obviously the children were conceived in “better” times, but our last child is 5 and we have been together maybe twice since then.
Also, for the record, my wife did not call me unattractive without me prying it out of her. She said it with tears of guilt in her eyes. It’s not like she flippantly makes comments about my appearance on any kind of regular basis. I was actually glad when she finally admitted it because it helps me understand her motivations. I’m beyond the point of being hurt by it.
There is that–she may like having you there, even if not touching.Sleeping in different room from time to time is one thing. Moving out of the room is something else. If your wife wants you to stay and you sleep elsewhere, she could be hurt by this. She may come to a conclusion that you cannot be in the room because she can’t provide you sex. Talk it through if you do do it. Being alone in your situation is not always good either.
There is that–she may like having you there, even if not touching.
Wait! While she may not want to sleep separately, it sounds like sleeping together is having a bad effect on him! He also has to watch out for his mental health!Sleeping in different room from time to time is one thing. Moving out of the room is something else. If your wife wants you to stay and you sleep elsewhere, she could be hurt by this. She may come to a conclusion that you cannot be in the room because she can’t provide you sex. Talk it through if you do do it. Being alone in your situation is not always good either.
Wait! While she may not want to sleep separately, it sounds like sleeping together is having a bad effect on him! He also has to watch out for his mental health!
Another solution could be to put the boys in the MBR and each of them take a small bedroom…
Speaking from a much, MUCH less serious situation, I can tell you that the hardest 4 months of our marriage were after DD was born, and DH moved to the couch to get more sleep.Sleeping in different room from time to time is one thing. Moving out of the room is something else. If your wife wants you to stay and you sleep elsewhere, she could be hurt by this. She may come to a conclusion that you cannot be in the room because she can’t provide you sex. Talk it through if you do do it. Being alone in your situation is not always good either.
I think there may be more a family dynamic going on here…more than spousal issues. Raising kids is tough. Raising a child with emotional issues and going through puberty is quite another.Yeah–it’s complicated.
I’m not so sure I buy that you’re beyond the point of being hurt by it. Having been depressed, I’m also not so certain that I’d account this as a permanent sentiment on your wife’s part. Since she said it with tears, I think it is not how she wants to feel or perceive, but only what she had to admit she can feel and perceive in her present condition. Until proven otherwise, this is her illness talking. It is not false so much as it can’t be reckoned truly unless the true source of what she said is also taken into account. This is not how she wants to feel, and it is certainly **not **how she wants you to feel.whm,
she’s not walking all over me. If I decide to sleep somewhere else, it will be because I chose to and not because she is telling me or wanting me to. She wants me to sleep in the bed next to her. Sometimes I just can’t do that.
This started after our first child. We have struggled through times where this was better and worse. Obviously the children were conceived in “better” times, but our last child is 5 and we have been together maybe twice since then.
Also, for the record, my wife did not call me unattractive without me prying it out of her. She said it with tears of guilt in her eyes. It’s not like she flippantly makes comments about my appearance on any kind of regular basis. I was actually glad when she finally admitted it because it helps me understand her motivations. I’m beyond the point of being hurt by it.
I am wondering if she only said she was not attracted to you because this is all so confusing to her. If she is experiencing a lot of fear of intimacy and inner turmoil, it might be manifesting as not finding you attractive but that is just the self-protective surface-level type thinking.whm,
she’s not walking all over me. If I decide to sleep somewhere else, it will be because I chose to and not because she is telling me or wanting me to. She wants me to sleep in the bed next to her. Sometimes I just can’t do that.
This started after our first child. We have struggled through times where this was better and worse. Obviously the children were conceived in “better” times, but our last child is 5 and we have been together maybe twice since then.
Also, for the record, my wife did not call me unattractive without me prying it out of her. She said it with tears of guilt in her eyes. It’s not like she flippantly makes comments about my appearance on any kind of regular basis. I was actually glad when she finally admitted it because it helps me understand her motivations. I’m beyond the point of being hurt by it.
You have a child who fights with you and your wife 24x7. That would seem a source of immeasurable pressure on your wife and marriage. Fighting with one’s child is like the opposite of an aphrodisiac.…
I am just tired of being stuck in this situation and I am looking for any way out of it. My mental health is definitely suffering and I need some help…
- Separating will be difficult because of the kids. We have one child that has extreme emotional problems and fights with us 24x7. Leaving any one of us alone with this kid is very difficult.