Can I raise this child if I'm not the father?

[ccmcmg]

Hi Thomas -

Life is weird - isn’t it? And our life choices have ramifications far beyond the ‘moment’ … much as we like to think otherwise in our delusions to self when we act selfishly … and I will assume that you and your wife share in that … the baby makes hers more visible and harder to place out of memory … but I am sure there is marital harm to go around and memories are fickle - things you think you have put behind you can come rushing back to intrude in a fraction of a second …

So … you and your wife find yourselves with an innocent life to think of … which is good - sometimes we grow in our spiritual life when we have to think of others [much sin would be eliminated if we were as conscious of others - as you are of this new life - at all times in our life … I am sure you would agree] … If it had been - you and your wife might be in a different place - planning for some happier occasion

As I see it - you and your wife have two realistic choices:
1] to accept this gift of life and become loving caring parents of your child … I do not feel that there is any need to contact the one night stand … the presumption of fatherhood is upon you - you can embrace that child as your own - its a decision …

My uncle who returned from WWII and met a waitress who was unmarried and expecting accepted fatherhood for my aunts only child - a son [conceived during a drunken teenage party back in the 1940s - my aunt refused to marry a man who would get her drunk] … they married just before my cousin was born and the entire small town knew the child was not his - as the conception took place before he returned from overseas. My aunt was not able to conceive again … and they adopted three girls … My uncle always said that “There was more to being a father then sticking a pecker in a woman” … that sounds crude - but it is also true … and during my parents hard times - I found refuge and parental role models in my aunt and uncle’s home … my parents divorced - my aunt and uncle did not …

So - [like my uncle] - you can father and love this child - he [like my cousin] will know no other father but you from his time in the womb on into the future … no reason to ever tell him or her anything different.

2] You can give this child up for adoption - if you cannot bring yourself to love both child and mother - unconditionally … and knowing this of yourself is a gift - to you and your wife … giving this child to an adoptive family is a loving choice one that respects all of you …

I know a family that adopted a child who was conceived while a couple was separated. The reconciled and then the wife realized she was pregnant … in this case they had three children … they decided that they could not bring this child into their home and love it unconditionally. The husband did not believe that he could live with this reminder … the discussed this between them and with their older children and made the decision to have the child adopted … They sought an adoptive family that had an older child or children … my friends had one child but had been unable to conceive a second … after about 7 years of trying had decided to adopt … they adopted this child who was then joined two years later [it does not happen that way all the tie but often enough for that old saw about once you “adopt a child you will then conceive one” to come into being ] This family gives thanks everyday for the family that gave them this child - a gift from God to them …

There are probably numerous other options - but they pale [IMHO] to the two options presented above .

Worth quoting again.

The adoption must be a choice for both you AND your wife; she has to consent fully to it, or there will be more issues that may affect the marriage just as harmfully.

God bless you.

 

[YADA]

Worth quoting again.

The adoption must be a choice for both you AND your wife; she has to consent fully to it, or there will be more issues that may affect the marriage just as harmfully.

God bless you.

And I agree … this situation is fraught with issues … and I never intended for him to make this decision solo … but I would imagine [though its not certain] that his wife is more able to love the child unconditionally … she may not be able to do so … the child could represent her failure to her husband as equally as it does for the OP …

If her husband cannot live with her and the child - she will have to decide which is the greatest good for her … to choose child and loose husband or allow the child to be adopted and saver her marriage … his decision is what makes her decision necessary…

Similarly if her husband can love them both - but she can’t live with the reminder … he should allow her to adopt the child … her decision will be the impetus for his …

Trust me … I understand the family dynamics probably more then you realize … no one here is going to make a decision inside a vacuum and the decision will come with some baggage that will crop up - not matter what the decision is …

That said … for them to remain married - there really are two scenarios … adoption by others - or putative adoption by the husband … and as I tried to share - both are valid and both can be healing and both can be lived with … abortion on the other hand is not a viable, moral or ethical solution …

And that is the problem with bringing complex issues to forum such as this … I focused my short response on what I perceive is the OPs desire to remain married to his wife in the circumstances he finds himself … You seem more focused on the wife’s choices and that they be freely made … fair point … but the wife is not here seeking assistance … and it is not possible to cover every aspect in detail - in one post …

OP - don’t force your wife to offer the child for adoption …
- don’t give her an ultimatum - me or the kid either …

Discuss openly and honestly your ability to foster - to father to love this child or not …
Discuss openly and honestly your ability to welcome your wife back into your life or not …
Discuss her ability to love and keep this child with you in her life or not …
Can you [both] - do you [both] desire to become a family - or not …

Get counseling - hopefully Christ centered …

Again - I shared two - true life story’s - I am personally familiar with both - that are similar if not exactly the same - It is possible for good to come from either outcome … and I believe that knowing others have walked this road before can be helpful …

 

[Thomasbelby27]

I’m sorry you are going through this. I don’t really have any advice, but I will share - when my husband and I were engaged, he said to me, “I know it wouldn’t happen, but I love you so much…even if you committed adultery I would still love you and want to be married to you, and if you got pregnant from the other man, the baby would be ours - I would want to raise your child as my own because you and I are one.”

I applaud your husband for being strong enough to say that. You have a great man by your side.

 

[Thomasbelby27]

@Linybay

God bless you as well, and thank you for the t.v. show suggestion.

 

[Thomasbelby27]

These are my recommendations:

(1), Get a paternity test, heck the baby might be yours after all, there’s that small chance it is, I’ve seen this outcome.

It’s very unlikely, given the timing, but we do intend on taking a paternity test.

(2), If it isn’t yours and you do not feel you can set that anger aside whenever you look at the baby and the baby’s father cannot be located, then other actions may have to be considered such as adoption or separation.

Separation is definitely out of the question.

(3), Your wife has to understand your anger will not let go easily and that your trust has to be earned all over again. Prayer can help, but there is nothing like time to heal this very deep wound in you.

I completely agree. Only God and time will tell if we can get back to what we were before, but as of now, I don’t believe we’re far enough to separate. Even after everything that’s happened, I still love her. I see the guilt and regret on her face, every time she looks at me. It breaks my heart to see her this way.

(4), Zero tolerance for a reoccurrence. She needs to understand loud and clear that if she steps out again, the marriage is over. Trust is hard enough to rebuild after one occurrence; it cannot be rebuilt a 2nd time. She did it one time only, a case could be made for “mistake” and spousal forgiveness; a 2nd time, no it is willful on her part, she knows she shouldn’t do it, she knows how much she hurt him before but she’s doing it again anyway. Cannot ever take her back under those circumstances, period.

It will never happen again. Believe me, I know her. What happened was a one time mistake she made at her weakest, and she’s been pained by the event ever since. Regardless, we have talked about it, and she’s made it clear that she doesn’t want anyone else in her life. We’ve both given up alcohol to help us avoid temptations.

(5), You must realize that while the mortal sin is hers, you did play a part in setting the table for this happen in that you did not provide sufficient presence of leadership in the household, hence you left her vulnerable to temptation. I’ve seen this happen on the other side when a wife who refuses her husband leaves him subject to outside temptation. Marriage is a team effort in which each party needs the help of the other to remove themselves from this kind of temptation.

Yes, this is something that I had to realize early on. The affair was half my fault, as I was so distant from my wife, and didn’t attempt to fix our problems early on. I often wonder that if I stayed home and talked my wife that weekend, instead of leaving to go on my business trip, would things be different today? The answer is likely yes. As much as I feel anger towards her, I’m also reminded of my own failings, which bothers me more.

Good luck whatever you decide. Pray.

Thank you for your support and advice.

 

[FieldofDreams86]

There are a lot of women who marry men that have children from another marriage and they become step moms. They deal with children who are not theirs, more than one, PLUS an ex-wife that may or may not be hostile. Can women do it? Many have, day to day, year after year.

My message to the OP was that if he was willing, certainly God is there to give him the grace to go forward. Again, many people find themselves in a very difficult situation, maybe the birth of a handicapped child, maybe a car accident that has left a family member with deficits, maybe a spouse with a serious illness. None of us know what hand we will be dealt tomorrow, but we don’t have to depend on our strength, our Lord and Saviour is there with us to lift us up to a place we couldn’t imagine. Certainly Bob and Audrey Meisner have been down this very road and have a victory in Jesus Christ. A person though must be willing to try. That is not to say that I would do well with some challenges I see people face every day. It is a credit to them, and they are a witness to the world of the healing and strength available through the power of God.

Your analogy is a false equivalent. It is one thing to marry a person with full knowledge that they have kids and an annulment. It is entirely another to have a spouse cheat on you and then expect you to put aside your anger and raise the product of that infidelity. Going out to a bar, getting drunk, going to a private place with a stranger, and sleeping with a stranger is not done by accident.

I’m not trying to dissuade or persuade the OP into doing anything, but a lot here (mainly women I see) seem to be pushing him to “man up” and deal with the child. I wonder if the women pushing the OP here were in his shoes faced with having to raise their husbands child-out-of-wedlock would they be blaming themselves for it and step up to raise the child made under these circumstances. Well ladies, would you? Remember, God is listening!

 

[Estevao]

Just a question I had in the back of my mind that now has come up again.

Would it be more sinful to use artificial contraception if one has an affair, or less?

Stay strong OP. I know it must be hard to wonder what other people might think (and in fact if I were in your shoes I’d be out that door in a heartbeat, but that’s me), but we must look to what God thinks first.

Also OP do not feel obligated to accept any excuses for what your wife did. That kind of attitude is going to allow her to justify it again. You did not commit this sin, you had nothing to do with it. From what I have learned here at Catholic Answers, women dressing immodestly has absolutely nothing to do with men falling into lust, that’s just their own problem. So I presume that the opposite is the same for men, i.e. that if a man “isn’t there emotionally” (or whatever), then that doesn’t justify adultery.

Edit: also to answer your original question, I don’t see why you can’t raise the child. In fact, if our resident domestic lawyer is to be believed (and she seems like she has a lot of experience overseeing the transfer of wealth from husbands to wives who up and divorced them), it would probably be in your best interests. However, if this lawyer is to be believed (always an unlikely prospect I know), it also appears that the “biodad” would still have custody or visitation rights, so it appears that thanks to our nation’s criminally unjust family laws, and our resident lawyer who works with, supports and makes a living from them, you might not even have the option.

 

[Estevao]

I did a search on youtube and Bob and Audrey are speaking on a number of videos. I picked this one, but if you do your own search, you might find more encouragement.

youtube.com/watch?v=Z5JzXkD0DoY

Lol, I started watching this and the interviewer says how “most guys” would want to kill the guy who slept with their wife, but I’ve never understood this mentality. As far as the guy knows, she’s just another chick to hit on. If anything, I’d give him a high five and buy him a round, maybe ask him for some tips on how he did it.

My wife on the other hand…

 

[AussieTrish]

Lol, I started watching this and the interviewer says how “most guys” would want to kill the guy who slept with their wife, but I’ve never understood this mentality. As far as the guy knows, she’s just another chick to hit on. If anything, I’d give him a high five and buy him a round, maybe ask him for some tips on how he did it.

My wife on the other hand…

Double standards!!! As a Catholic you are saying the sin of adultery is to be praised and celebrated so long as the seduced wife is not your wife.
This is the kind of attitude heard from men who have very low standards of morality.
High five and beer all round if some man manages to seduce a woman!
It is also a total disregard of the feelings of the husband and a disregard for the state of the souls of those in adultery or fornication.
As a Catholic man you may need to rethink your values.

 

[AussieTrish]

…and an infusion of empathy for others’ wounded feelings and situations might be a blessing, Estevao?.. God bless

 

[Thomasbelby27]

Hi Thomasbelby27. Im very sorry for your situation, you are at a difficult position.

I believe you got many good responses here, from many different perspectives. First I want to say that you are entitled to your feelings of anger, rage or resentment. Dont bury them, try to deal with them in a healthy way.

My wife and I will be returning to counseling, thankfully. Because what you and most are saying here is true; these feelings between us have to be dealt with appropriately.

Its very easy to say “be the father, the child has no fault”. But ultimately its YOU that has to go through it. I find it very normal and expected to look at the child and think of your wife´s error. Rationally you know its not the child´s fault, but emotionally you have to think if you are able to overcome this. And you may end up misplacing your resentment from your wife into the child.

The pastor I spoke to felt the same. To my surprise, he mentioned adoption if I wouldn’t able to resolve these feelings, feeling that I may resent the child.

I find it particularly tough to tell your family about it.

I still haven’t told them. I usually visit my folks every month. Maybe I can talk to them alone in the coming week (s).

I read the Meisner story that somebody here talked about. Call me cynical or skeptic, but I dont buy that “our marriage is now stronger than never”. From the text I understood the husband was controlling and abusive, seems to me a narcissitic personality. And she reacted in a passive-aggressive way, by cheating on him. In my view, the marriage was dysfunctional. Although he may had been abusive, she had the FREE WILL to try to fix it or leave. She decided to have an affair. And now call me cynical, but they are selling books about it, they are profiting from this. Sounds like a business enterprise, not a marriage to me. I particularly dont see them as a healthy rolemodel, but the extreme opposite.

I don’t doubt the Meisner’s story, though it’s clear that the extent of their traumas were not talked about in full detail (understandably so). Coming from a similar position, I can understand how a spouse might fall to temptation from the effects of a faltering marriage. I don’t approve of it, but I understand. A husband has faults in the matter as well.

I may be biased cause I couldnt forgive cheating. Its very nice of you to love your wife, but I find it really disturbing that she cheated on you cause she was alone for 2 days. I believe the cheating was just a consequence of something prior to it. Yes, I understood you were at some difficult moment back then, but the root of it has to be analized by you.

We did have a long talk about the affair. Prior to it, our marriage was in a poor state. My wife and I had been trying for children for some time by then, and the strains of negative results left us depressed. We became less intimate as a result, and with my job taking more time from my week, we became very distant. My wife was wise enough to realize this, but I constantly ignored it and stopped caring. The weekend I went away, she was in a state of deep emptiness. We had a large argument prior, and I said some personal things about her past that I should not have. It was too much for her. She admitted that the trip to the bar was to ease the pain, while being in the company of other men. One in particular was very charming to her. He made her feel more special than she had in a while, and after many drinks, they left the bar together. The next day, she called me, riddled with guilt. She knew right then that some serious changes had to be made in our relationship, because of how far it had fallen.

And although its admirable to forgive her, I believe you should do some soul-searching. I believe you feel pressured to forgive her and save the marriage, cause you are Catholic and thats whats “supposed” to happen. But its obvious to me that deep inside you didnt forgive her completely (and I dont blame you at all!). She exposed you to diseases and apparently didnt care for the consequences. I believe people give you advice with their best intentions, but I dont believe the Catholic teaching will be necesarily “forgive her and be the father”. There are many nuances here and only a priest can advise you on the options, religiously speaking.

This is partially true. My faith is a portion of why I’m trying to forgive her, but that’s only a small portion. I am just as much to blame for what happened as she is, and I want more than anything to mend things. We love each other so much, and have been through many painful obstacles. This is the largest we’ve ever had to go through, but I believe we can still get through it together. Whether with adoption or the alternative.

Oh, as others said, Id get a paternity test… You are almost certain its not yours, but you have to be 100% sure of it. Wish you the best.

Thank you, Louise.

 

[Thomasbelby27]

Hi Thomas,
Kudos to you for standing by your wife.If you and your wife decide to raise this child yourself-remember this child is part of her, and therefore part of you, even if you are not the father biologically.

There is no undoing the past-but there is looking forward. Never mind what people will think-so what if they talk? Standing by this woman and this child would truly be laying down your life for her and this baby. It is a high calling. As the husband in this marriage, you are to be Christ to your bride. Christ doesn’t turn his back on us when we sin. If she decides to keep this child, love it like your own flesh. As you and your wife are one flesh.

God Bless-and yes…it would be wise to get counseling from your parish priest, and a good marriage counselor.

Hang in there-I will be praying for your family.

Thank you TerryJT. I did find some time to talk to the priest at my local church. It was a long conversation, but his counsel has really helped me out. He told me that it was right for me to try and forgive her, but this issue will take time to truly resolve. We’ll both need to work at our love and marriage. I relayed to him my feelings of anger, betrayal, and emotional pain on the issue. Indeed, the father told me that if I cannot get through these feelings, he fears I may have resentment for the child down the line. He brought up the notion of adoption. I asked him if I could raise the child as my own. He told me that if I could love this child as much as I love my wife, God will help me. There will be times of stress but in them, I should pray. The resentment will not rise if my wife and I stand firm in our commitment and treat the child as ours. He referred me to proverb 22:6

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

The father’s words have really had me pondering. I think I’m becoming more comfortable with the idea of being the child’s father. My wife told me that she was open to the idea of adoption, but I think she’s only telling me that because she believes that’s what I want. I can see that the adoption route pains her. We have been trying to have a baby for a long time, and now that she finally is pregnant, I know it would be devastating to give the child up.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Edit: also to answer your original question, I don’t see why you can’t raise the child. In fact, if our resident domestic lawyer is to be believed (and she seems like she has a lot of experience overseeing the transfer of wealth from husbands to wives who up and divorced them), it would probably be in your best interests. However, if this lawyer is to be believed (always an unlikely prospect I know), it also appears that the “biodad” would still have custody or visitation rights, so it appears that thanks to our nation’s criminally unjust family laws, and our resident lawyer who works with, supports and makes a living from them, you might not even have the option.

How uncharitable and cowardly! You went to this thread to bash MaryMary1975 because you didn’t want to look foolish arguing with an attorney who proved you wrong on your own thread! So you come here to twist what she said, call her dishonest, and bash her character!

EDIT: After checking the times, I realized that you started your thread after you posted this comment. I apologize for calling you passive aggressive for posting it here because of what she said in your thread. However, I maintain that this thinly veiled attack and mischaracterization is low and uncalled for. At least have the gall to argue with her, rather than speaking about her publicly to twist her words and call her a liar.

 

[Estevao]

How uncharitable and cowardly! You went to this thread to bash MaryMary1975 because you didn’t want to look foolish arguing with an attorney who proved you wrong on your own thread! So you come here to twist what she said, call her dishonest, and bash her character!

No she did not prove me wrong, she demonstrated the she is unable to answer a simple yes or no question, that is all. There is no point having a discussion with a person who is unable to not prevaricate. Also lawyers are the sophists of our day, they are paid to argue a point and will do so even to the point of the ludicrous assertion that the divorce laws in the country are not biased against men. Once again, no point in getting into a discussion with them.

If I wanted to I could troll some forums for innumerable stories to post in that thread of how men have been taken to the cleaners (or rather legally raped, in my view) by ex-wives and people involved in the divorce industry, but that would just be spamming and people would ignore it anyway, just like they act as if they knew more about my uncle’s divorce case than I do.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

No she did not prove me wrong, she demonstrated the she is unable to answer a simple yes or no question, that is all. There is no point having a discussion with a person who is unable to not prevaricate. Also lawyers are the sophists of our day, they are paid to argue a point and will do so even to the point of the ludicrous assertion that the divorce laws in the country are not biased against men. Once again, no point in getting into a discussion with them.

If I wanted to I could troll some forums for innumerable stories to post in that thread of how men have been taken to the cleaners (or rather legally raped, in my view) by ex-wives and people involved in the divorce industry, but that would just be spamming and people would ignore it anyway, just like they act as if they knew more about my uncle’s divorce case than I do.

A bunch of people, all with more experience and knowledge in the area than you, shot holes through your points. You have yet to respond to these people with anything of substance. At this point, your vitriolic posts about women and marriage are speaking for themselves.

You called another member a liar. I did report it.

 

[Estevao]

A bunch of people, all with more experience and knowledge in the area than you, shot holes through your points. You have yet to respond to these people with anything of substance. At this point, your vitriolic posts about women and marriage are speaking for themselves.

You called another member a liar. I did report it.

Good. Because she is. I have absolutely no respect for divorce lawyers. I wonder how many so-called dead beat dad’s she’s seen into prison.

 

[AussieTrish]

Good. Because she is. I have absolutely no respect for divorce lawyers. I wonder how many so-called dead beat dad’s she’s seen into prison.

Charity and respect are non-negotiable in Catholic Answers Forums.
This includes the fact that personal attack on another member is not accepted.

Hopefully you will recognise the learning that you need to take from others’ responses to some of the attitudes you have shown in your posts, as part of your journey of growth in Christian charity and teaching. You may see the responses as attacks, but they are actually opportunities to grow in understanding and in spiritual life. I pray you can humbly and honestly accept those graces.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Charity and respect are non-negotiable in Catholic Answers Forums.

I wonder how many fathers she’s fought for, how many children she’s worked to ensure are supported, how many battered women and children she’s served, etc.

 

[marymary1975]

No she did not prove me wrong, she demonstrated the she is unable to answer a simple yes or no question, that is all. There is no point having a discussion with a person who is unable to not prevaricate. Also lawyers are the sophists of our day, they are paid to argue a point and will do so even to the point of the ludicrous assertion that the divorce laws in the country are not biased against men. Once again, no point in getting into a discussion with them.

If I wanted to I could troll some forums for innumerable stories to post in that thread of how men have been taken to the cleaners (or rather legally raped, in my view) by ex-wives and people involved in the divorce industry, but that would just be spamming and people would ignore it anyway, just like they act as if they knew more about my uncle’s divorce case than I do.

Actually I did answer your points with a No and I gave you an explanation of why the answer is no so it is incorrect to say that I cannot answer yes or no because I did. What happens is that I have actual knowledge of the subject and you didn’t like the fact I corrected wrong information and myths. I asked youvto tell me which specific law you are talking about and you haven’t said any at all. Probably is because you just don’t know of any law and again you are just talking from a lack of knowledge one person biased experience point of view.

Sincerely is quite obvious that you just have a lot of hatred against women and want to blame everything on women. In fact it seems like you have the view of radical MRA’s that want to play victim.

And by the way, tell me exactly on what did I lie and on what exactly I was dishonest and point at me exactly what is according to you the truth and supported not by your personal opinion but by a fact.

 

[Thomasbelby27]

@YADA.

Hello, and thank you for contributing your advice. My wife and I managed to talk. We talked about the anger and regret between us previously. I let her know that I hadn’t truly forgiven her, but am currently trying. She told me that she could see the rage in my heart, and it’s hurting her. The regret of what happened, this first child, and my negative emotions towards her have been misery. This was hard to hear, and I quickly reassured her that while I had anger, I wouldn’t be here now if I didn’t love her. We agreed that abortion was not an option, and that we would have to go back to therapy. Praying together is also a must. We are still undecided on whether to put the child up for adoption or not. She told me that she is willing to do so, but I know that would devastate her. Louise2323 and others have pointed out that maybe this child was given to us in response to our inability to have children. It’s very hard for me to think of it that way, but perhaps that’s the truth. My wife has been feeling some of the pregnancy ill’s, and I’ve been taking care of her. Through this though, I believe that our bond is strengthening. It feels uplifting going out to get her ginger ale, or helping her into bed when she’s feeling fatigued. We’ve been spending more meaningful time together, and it’s very helpful.

We’ve been praying to God for an answer to our problems, and I believe he’s made it clear which path to take.

I think we can be the parents of this baby. That I can be the father. It’s becoming clear now more than ever that this baby is in both of our lives. We may still have some negative emotions, but they will be dissolved in time. This baby’s life is happening now. I can’t leave her side, and she can’t leave this pregnancy. We’re all connected to one another. I’m going to convince her as best as I can that this is the route I want to take. I know this is what she wants as well, and we’re going to discuss it. I have a lot planned after work today.

Thank you everyone for your guidance. It has allowed me to think about all aspects of this situation, and likely find the resolution. I truly would’ve been worse off without coming here and asking for help. After today, things will be much better.

God bless you all.