I hope when I respond to this, no one judges me. I do believe all that the Church teaches and I am probably someone who would be considered a faithful Catholic by everyone I know. That said, I have made serious errors in my life, as I am sure others may have EVEN when they have great love for Christ and his Church. I was baptised Catholic in 1998, later had two children. Several of my family members (including myself) have had some emotional/mental issues in the past. I’ve had anxiety issues alot in the past that I have always wrestled with controlling. ANYWAY, I really doubted my mothering skills to say the least(still do sometimes) and I felt that I simply could not have more children because I obviously had problems coping with being a mother that I felt that other normal people could handle, therefore something must be wrong with me. I can’t tell you how many times I would be “falling apart” during the day and my husband would rush home from work to “rescue me”. Well, we finally decided to get a vasectomy. I was a faithful person and I knew that it was a sin (it was a very glossed over issue in RCIA, though), but that was what I had decided. A few months after I went to confession and spoke with our priest about it. I knew the church says it’s wrong , and I agree with that. I believe that all the church teaches is true. Nevertheless, I knew that there must be something imperfect in my faith that I could not trust God enough that I had to “take control”. I didn’t trust what his plan was for me. While I did agree that it was a sin, I still didn’t feel like I regretted it in the sense that all of a sudden I wanted more kids and now I couldn’t because of what I did. My main reason at the time for the grief I felt was because I knew that I did something extremely hurtful to someone I love, but I didn’t have full understanding of it all. It’s kind of like when you’re a kid and you make a choice that hurts your parents and you feel horrible because you know it’s wrong and you hate that you hurt them, but you don’t fully comprehend why it’s wrong. I told the priest all of this and said that I needed to make amends, I was in misery because I’d dissapointed God. I needed God’s forgiveness. Some people would just run off to another church that says it’s okay, but the Catholic church is where the fullness of truth is and for me to leave would be like divorce. I have prayed to God for forgivness and asked him be patient with me and help me come to greater understanding and I’ve studied and learned so much more about my faith and I feel like I’ve grown enourmously since then. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel like one day I’ll say I wanted more kids, but I do regret so much that I didn’t trust God’s plan for me which I’m sure would probably would have included a larger family. But I know that God has forgiven me and given me greater understanding of this. God created us and in turn, if and when we marry we are able to help in God’s creation. I think NFP isn’t always taught in church because, except under certain circumstances, we are to always be open to creating life. That’s the primary purpose of joining a man and woman together n marriage. To be trying to practice NFP for the purpose of wanting to wait to start a family or because you don’t want more children I think might be considered as still trying to control the situation, but believe me, I know I’m obviously in no place to judge! I think I’ve finally come to the point in my life that if I could turn back the clock (having the faith and understanding I do now), then I would because I trust God’s plan for me now even though I’m not always sure if it’s what I think I’m ready for. I hope that I wasn’t boring everyone to tears, but I also hope that maybe this might be helpful to some who may have made the same choices that I made, but have never shared it. It’s hard for me to share sometimes because I now live out may faith so fully (even the challenging things), that I hate to have my past mistakes thrown back at me and to be considered an unfaithful Catholic. Thanks everone!
Tamara
