Christmas lists where you're TOLD what you can/cannot ask for?

[twosweetgirls]

To me, this has nothing to do whatsoever with the amount of money, over-the-top gifts or shopaholism. . . it everything to do with control. She’s your MIL, right? Was she ever controlling of your husband or his immediate family growing up? If so, then maybe she sees this as a great way of controlling him. Maybe she thinks–and likely not consciously–“I can’t control him anymore since he’s married and out of my house, but I CAN control him through what I get his children, and his wife can’t say anything about it.”

The only way to get this to stop is to not play by her rules anymore. I’m curious, does this also happen at birthdays, too? The only way it’ll stop is when he stands up to her and tells her to knock it off–because this, IMO, has nothing to do with things.

Hugs to you; family crud is no fun at all.

 

[dulcissima]

To me, this has nothing to do whatsoever with the amount of money, over-the-top gifts or shopaholism. . . it everything to do with control. She’s your MIL, right? Was she ever controlling of your husband or his immediate family growing up? If so, then maybe she sees this as a great way of controlling him. Maybe she thinks–and likely not consciously–“I can’t control him anymore since he’s married and out of my house, but I CAN control him through what I get his children, and his wife can’t say anything about it.”

The only way to get this to stop is to not play by her rules anymore. I’m curious, does this also happen at birthdays, too? The only way it’ll stop is when he stands up to her and tells her to knock it off–because this, IMO, has nothing to do with things.

Hugs to you; family crud is no fun at all.

This IS at the heart of it. What usually happens is that a guy who grew up with a take charge kind of mom and then he is naturally attracted to the take charge kind of woman that he marries. The MIL and DIL are then stepping on each other’s toes and driving each other crazy because they are constantly challenging each other to be in charge.

The DIL is the one that is in charge of her family. That goes without saying, but maybe to ease the tension she can throw her MIL a bone every once in a while and let her buy her grandchildren some toys. If the toys end up cluttering the house, then maybe the old ones can be donated. As long as the toys aren’t dangerous or inappropriate, it might be a good idea to accept them.

My sister is the take charge type and she I get along fine, because when she wants to do something, I say “Sure!” She and her MIL are two cats in a bag though, even though they are both kind, generous, and warm-hearted. I’m sure it would be soooo nice for the husband and grandchildren if they could just choose their battles and avoid having fighting them over Christmas presents.

 

[mamacita]

To me, this has nothing to do whatsoever with the amount of money, over-the-top gifts or shopaholism. . . it everything to do with control. She’s your MIL, right? Was she ever controlling of your husband or his immediate family growing up? If so, then maybe she sees this as a great way of controlling him. Maybe she thinks–and likely not consciously–“I can’t control him anymore since he’s married and out of my house, but I CAN control him through what I get his children, and his wife can’t say anything about it.”

The only way to get this to stop is to not play by her rules anymore. I’m curious, does this also happen at birthdays, too? The only way it’ll stop is when he stands up to her and tells her to knock it off–because this, IMO, has nothing to do with things.

Hugs to you; family crud is no fun at all.

**
YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD! Thanks for the hugs. I told DH this same thing today before I even posted this.
Here is another example for you all to understand this woman a little better (and the hell I have to go thru): When preggo w/ #4, I went to visit her w/ the kids (DH was out of town on work) and oldest DS brought a friend along who was one of five kids at the time. She says to me in the van, “so, how does DS know his friend?” I explained to her that they go to our church. She then says to me: “oh. ok. So how many kids are in his family?” Me: “5, he’s the 2nd oldest of 5.” Her reply (now remember, I"m preggo here w/ #4): “oh, that’s just ridiculous. No one NEEDS five kids, that’s just uncalled for. I hope you guys know that no one needs five kids.” I’m fuming as I’m ready to crash the car and have some words w/ her (not really, but you get my drift). Of course this is said to ME not to her son. Now, preggo w/ #5, guess who does NOT know? Her. Heee heeee. We dread telling her because we know the stink and fuss that she’ll cause in front of our other 4 little blessings. I wanted to send out an email but DH won’t do that, he likes to tell in person…well maybe I’ll just stay home to avoid the fight all together (and to keep my blood pressure normal). What would you all do in that situation???

Another thing that drives me nuts (and this has been going on since before we were married) is this: They live 2 hours away from us. WE wake up at our own house on holidays, that’s the way it is and the way it will stay. Santa and Easter bunny come to OUR house. Ok, so she says to us while engaged, “you know, this is MY Christmas, don’t you?” Eric says to her, “what does that mean exactly?” Her: “well, you guys will be HERE Christmas day” instead of in the town where we both resided. So being nice, we went down there against our wishes. So when we got married. I said to DH, “we can’t drive there on Christmas day, it’s just too much on us and on the kids” Well who got their way?? Her. So 4 years ago, we moved into our current home. We closed on the house on Dec. 22nd, painted all that night (because the builder didn’t paint it and I didn’t want to move stuff in and paint around it, kwim?), DH worked on the 23rd, I had movers come to help out (but they didn’t pack or unpack)…23rd we put up our tree, decorations, etc. (I know, crazy of us but since the house was done and the house we were in was moldy, we couldn’t wait to get out). So what did we do the 24th? Hopped in the car to go see her!! On Christmas what happened? We all ended up sick from being so run down from driving there and back in one day.

This is the same woman that guilted DH into driving to see her on our first Mother’s day married and I was preggo w/ his child and on bedrest, and yes, he left me to go see her. SO yes, it is a complete control thing for her. I mean how many grownups do you see sitting in a circle on their mommies family floor opening gift, after gift, after gift from ‘Santa’?? Seriously, she can’t let go and let us be our OWN family.
Not only that, but her own mom, who is in great health, drives herself everywhere, etc., she takes HER money and goes and buys us more junk w/ her mom’s money. Me thinks her mom would be fine w/ giving us money, but nope, MIL has to shop, shop, shop. So yes, to answer you, I DO think she has to be in control. We are grown ups, w/ baby #5 on the way, when is the controlledness going to stop??? DH did message her today on the comp. about the gift stuff, of course she didn’t reply back but we know she was online because she emailed other stuff. I do feel walked on more and more. **

 

[sharmin]

**
YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD! Thanks for the hugs. I told DH this same thing today before I even posted this.
Here is another example for you all to understand this woman a little better (and the hell I have to go thru): When preggo w/ #4, I went to visit her w/ the kids (DH was out of town on work) and oldest DS brought a friend along who was one of five kids at the time. She says to me in the van, “so, how does DS know his friend?” I explained to her that they go to our church. She then says to me: “oh. ok. So how many kids are in his family?” Me: “5, he’s the 2nd oldest of 5.” Her reply (now remember, I"m preggo here w/ #4): “oh, that’s just ridiculous. No one NEEDS five kids, that’s just uncalled for. I hope you guys know that no one needs five kids.” I’m fuming as I’m ready to crash the car and have some words w/ her (not really, but you get my drift). Of course this is said to ME not to her son. Now, preggo w/ #5, guess who does NOT know? Her. Heee heeee. We dread telling her because we know the stink and fuss that she’ll cause in front of our other 4 little blessings. I wanted to send out an email but DH won’t do that, he likes to tell in person…well maybe I’ll just stay home to avoid the fight all together (and to keep my blood pressure normal). What would you all do in that situation???

Another thing that drives me nuts (and this has been going on since before we were married) is this: They live 2 hours away from us. WE wake up at our own house on holidays, that’s the way it is and the way it will stay. Santa and Easter bunny come to OUR house. Ok, so she says to us while engaged, “you know, this is MY Christmas, don’t you?” Eric says to her, “what does that mean exactly?” Her: “well, you guys will be HERE Christmas day” instead of in the town where we both resided. So being nice, we went down there against our wishes. So when we got married. I said to DH, “we can’t drive there on Christmas day, it’s just too much on us and on the kids” Well who got their way?? Her. So 4 years ago, we moved into our current home. We closed on the house on Dec. 22nd, painted all that night (because the builder didn’t paint it and I didn’t want to move stuff in and paint around it, kwim?), DH worked on the 23rd, I had movers come to help out (but they didn’t pack or unpack)…23rd we put up our tree, decorations, etc. (I know, crazy of us but since the house was done and the house we were in was moldy, we couldn’t wait to get out). So what did we do the 24th? Hopped in the car to go see her!! On Christmas what happened? We all ended up sick from being so run down from driving there and back in one day.

This is the same woman that guilted DH into driving to see her on our first Mother’s day married and I was preggo w/ his child and on bedrest, and yes, he left me to go see her. SO yes, it is a complete control thing for her. I mean how many grownups do you see sitting in a circle on their mommies family floor opening gift, after gift, after gift from ‘Santa’?? Seriously, she can’t let go and let us be our OWN family.
Not only that, but her own mom, who is in great health, drives herself everywhere, etc., she takes HER money and goes and buys us more junk w/ her mom’s money. Me thinks her mom would be fine w/ giving us money, but nope, MIL has to shop, shop, shop. So yes, to answer you, I DO think she has to be in control. We are grown ups, w/ baby #5 on the way, when is the controlledness going to stop??? DH did message her today on the comp. about the gift stuff, of course she didn’t reply back but we know she was online because she emailed other stuff. I do feel walked on more and more. **

Wow. She sounds like a trip. I don’t know what to say except stick to your guns!!

 

[KCT]

“Mom, here is what we would like (insert ideas here). Beyond that, I’m out of ideas.”

If she buys tons of toys, cycle them in and out of the attic and be sure some disappear before next December. Tell her that most of her toys will end up at Goodwill with in 6 mos.

 

[mamacita]

“Mom, here is what we would like (insert ideas here). Beyond that, I’m out of ideas.”

If she buys tons of toys, cycle them in and out of the attic and be sure some disappear before next December. Tell her that most of her toys will end up at Goodwill with in 6 mos.

LOL, that is what DH told her today. He said, “whatever you buy that they do not need, will end up at SVDP society”…she didn’t reply. Did I fail to mention that she bought our daughter 2 (YES, TWO) High School Musical Gabriella dolls last Christmas AND one for her bday a month before that?? Three dolls necessary or needed??? I think not. Prime example of what I’m talking about here. I’ve been told that I’m a mean mom because we don’t buy Barbies for her. Oh well!

 

[ryecroft]

I really want an answer to one question if you don’t mind - if you went to your children and said, if you could get anything for Christmas (or the grandmother can ask) - your children couldn’t come up with anything like toys or gifts? I’ve just never met a child who would say, “no mom or grandmaw, I have enough toys - there is nothing I can think of that I would like you to buy for me to play with” - You would seriously shock me if you say your children would tell you and the grandmother this. That’s why I seriously reccomend letting them speak privately with the grandmother. They may think that you want them to ask for something specifically and not want to tell you or say what they’d like to get in front of you. If you have too much stuff, have them either put some online for sale or give some to charity to make room for the new stuff. Good luck and God Bless.,
Rye

P.S. I just read the last things you said - why not let her buy one daughter at least a barbie - and could it be that she just doesn’t remember exactly what she got that birthday? If you remind her, then maybe you won’t get duplicates - or if you do, let your daughter pick some toys out to put on line- it’s easy; and your kids can then get some extra spending mopney from amazon or ebay. This way, they actually get something from the toys going away - I bet they’d rather do this with some of the toys and get some monetary compensation than just giving everything to Saint Vincent de Paul Society (if the kids are big enough to choose what to do with some toys, which 11 does sound like a good age to let them choose what to give to charity and what to try to make some money from - there’s nothing wrong with giving to SVDP but like I said, your kids might prefer to actually get some money occaisionally for getting rid of some of their gifts/toys)
God Bless
Rye

 

[mamacita]

I really want an answer to one question if you don’t mind - if you went to your children and said, if you could get anything for Christmas (or the grandmother can ask) - your children couldn’t come up with anything like toys or gifts? I’ve just never met a child who would say, “no mom or grandmaw, I have enough toys - there is nothing I can think of that I would like you to buy for me to play with” - You would seriously shock me if you say your children would tell you and the grandmother this. That’s why I seriously reccomend letting them speak privately with the grandmother. They may think that you want them to ask for something specifically and not want to tell you or say what they’d like to get in front of you. If you have too much stuff, have them either put some online for sale or give some to charity to make room for the new stuff. Good luck and God Bless.,
Rye

P.S. I just read the last things you said - why not let her buy one daughter at least a barbie - and could it be that she just doesn’t remember exactly what she got that birthday? If you remind her, then maybe you won’t get duplicates - or if you do, let your daughter pick some toys out to put on line- it’s easy; and your kids can then get some extra spending mopney from amazon or ebay. This way, they actually get something from the toys going away - I bet they’d rather do this with some of the toys and get some monetary compensation than just giving everything to Saint Vincent de Paul Society (if the kids are big enough to choose what to do with some toys, which 11 does sound like a good age to let them choose what to give to charity and what to try to make some money from - there’s nothing wrong with giving to SVDP but like I said, your kids might prefer to actually get some money occaisionally for getting rid of some of their gifts/toys)
God Bless
Rye

**
Um no, she bought all 3 HSM dolls at once, called DH to brag about it to him, and said "I’ll give her one for her bday and 2 for Christmas.’’ She had it all planned out in her mind. You have no idea what we’re up against. DH said today, “talking to her is like talking to a wall”, his words, not mine.

I don’t like Barbies, I have my reasons for being ‘anti-Barbie’ if you will (as are a lot of our friends).

WE asked DS (the oldest) “what do you want for Christmas??” HE said to us, " Well, I really don’t need any more toys. I really want to go to GWL or to Kalahari…" I had to cut him off and say, “Nope, Gma won’t buy that.” So there ya have it. DD said all that she wants is a Gameboy but they have one already that they SHARE (gee, something wrong w/ sharing, too?) and she has games for it already but to buy another one I found online is over 100 bucks even on ebay (they don’t even make this model anymore), sorry, I think that’s ridiculous to spend $100 on a single toy that will get played w/ and then tossed aside by DD, especially when there’s other things that we need and can’t afford.

Selling the toys online is a nice idea, but pain in the butt for us to have to do it. sigh LIke we have nothing better to do w/ our time than go online and list toys for sale? Maybe it’ll teach her to quit buying them soooo much stuff tho when she comes over and the toys aren’t here. **

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I think your husband needs to have a firm talk with her telling her what is and isn’t wanted for Christmas. My wife & I had to talk to our parents about Christmas and then Easter a couple times over the years. I did both talks initially; it worked with my parents, not with hers. Once she talked to her parents it got a bit better. Although our Christmases weren’t as extreme as yours, we were getting a lot of unneeded things and had to ask to scale things back a bit. Easter was much worse, with the kids getting ridiculous amounts of candy from both sets of grandparents, mainly in response to us saying we were cutting back on the candy we got them (they both wanted to make up for our “wrong”).

 

[2HunnyBuns]

I would suggest asking for toys for the children that they would like (even if it’s stuff you already have) and then just donate some of the older toys to charity. My children have three sets of grandparents, unmarried aunts and uncles who like to spoil them, and a great aunt and uncle who have no grandchildren and treat them as such. We are always totally overwhelmed with the generosity of our family members. When we get items that the kids can’t use or don’t want, I just set them aside to donate to charity. I would also suggest creating a wish list for each child (Amazon.com is where I have our lists.) that way you can just direct your mother in law to the list. Many of our family members are happy that I have a list to help guide them when shopping for our kids, but my husband’s aunt and her daughter (my oldest daughter’s Godmother) don’t like being given suggestions on what to buy and they’re the ones that go totally overboard for Christmas. It’s become evident over the years that they’re out there shopping for themselves and not the children. I understand how frustrating it is to deal with someone who is very generous but unwilling to buy what you or your children really need.

 

[ryecroft]

**
Um no, she bought all 3 HSM dolls at once, called DH to brag about it to him, and said "I’ll give her one for her bday and 2 for Christmas.’’ She had it all planned out in her mind. You have no idea what we’re up against. DH said today, “talking to her is like talking to a wall”, his words, not mine.

I don’t like Barbies, I have my reasons for being ‘anti-Barbie’ if you will (as are a lot of our friends).

WE asked DS (the oldest) “what do you want for Christmas??” HE said to us, " Well, I really don’t need any more toys. I really want to go to GWL or to Kalahari…" I had to cut him off and say, “Nope, Gma won’t buy that.” So there ya have it. DD said all that she wants is a Gameboy but they have one already that they SHARE (gee, something wrong w/ sharing, too?) and she has games for it already but to buy another one I found online is over 100 bucks even on ebay (they don’t even make this model anymore), sorry, I think that’s ridiculous to spend $100 on a single toy that will get played w/ and then tossed aside by DD, especially when there’s other things that we need and can’t afford.

Selling the toys online is a nice idea, but pain in the butt for us to have to do it. sigh LIke we have nothing better to do w/ our time than go online and list toys for sale? Maybe it’ll teach her to quit buying them soooo much stuff tho when she comes over and the toys aren’t here. **

O.K., you’re right - that whole doll thing was really, really weird - are you against the Barbies because of the body image? I get that - and won’t go into it because I have no doubt that that could turn into some form of debate on here. LOL

I assume that your comment about the sharing was sarcasm, as I never said anything about sharing and I have nothing against sharing - if it works than great - and I have nothing against it - and as I said, I see nothing wrong with SVDP, I even was a member for quite some time at our last Parish. The reason I brought up sharing was that it sounded kind of like you needed the money - and I figured if you guys needed the money, then that meant that just giving your kids money wouldn’t be an option. With as savvy as the kids are today, they could even put the extra toys online (I get that you don’t have the time but they might) - especially if it could pay for one of your kids to get to go where he/she wants to go-and they’ll feel great for having earned it. I wonder what your kid that wants to go to the place you mentioned might not like that idea - I know that some of my God Children actually seem like they can do more than I can online. I guess I was thinking that since the gifts/toys were for them that they might not want to (especially the 11 year old) make a decision about what might happen with things that were sent to them. Just a thought - and if they say, “no mom, I don’t really care about making any extra money-just give my extra stuff away to the church or whatever” than that’s great -The reason I was pushing the selling on amazon or ebay - was because, I know I loved it when my parents gave me the opportunity to make money when I was younger - it made me appreciate the money that I had made even more and it wasn’t just the money that my parents gave me to go shopping with or to just have fun with - and (as a bonus for my parents), it helped clean out the house. Sure, we still gave some to charity. Granted back then I didn’t have Ebay or anything like that I was able to use - or at least I wasn’t familiar with it. Who knows it might even help their entrepeneurial abilities immerge. (gee, something wrong with this too?) Charity is great, but it won’t help you kid get to Kalahari any faster. I guess I was just trying to find something positive with this situation - which I will grant you has some major weirdness to it.
God Bless
Rye

 

[JRKH]

To me, this has nothing to do whatsoever with the amount of money, over-the-top gifts or shopaholism. . . it everything to do with control. She’s your MIL, right? Was she ever controlling of your husband or his immediate family growing up? If so, then maybe she sees this as a great way of controlling him. Maybe she thinks–and likely not consciously–“I can’t control him anymore since he’s married and out of my house, but I CAN control him through what I get his children, and his wife can’t say anything about it.”

The only way to get this to stop is to not play by her rules anymore. I’m curious, does this also happen at birthdays, too? The only way it’ll stop is when he stands up to her and tells her to knock it off–because this, IMO, has nothing to do with things.

Hugs to you; family crud is no fun at all.

 

[rayne89]

We have gift giving issues with my in-laws too (different but very annoying) and even issues with my own parents gift giving at times but I do think telling your MIL that anything she gives that you don’t think the kids is being given away is poor manners. I don’t think donating them is a bad idea just acting ungrateful for gifts (even unneeded ones) is not appropriate.

You can not make someone have the same values you do. Its hard to see money wasted when finances are tight (trust me I know) but, especially if your children are hearing this kind of talk about grandma, its sets a very bad example.

 

[VivienneJ]

We have gift giving issues with my in-laws too (different but very annoying) and even issues with my own parents gift giving at times but I do think telling your MIL that anything she gives that you don’t think the kids is being given away is poor manners. I don’t think donating them is a bad idea just acting ungrateful for gifts (even unneeded ones) is not appropriate.

You can not make someone have the same values you do. Its hard to see money wasted when finances are tight (trust me I know) but, especially if your children are hearing this kind of talk about grandma, its sets a very bad example.

Just to comment on the bit I bolded, children should always be taught respect for the their grandparents (same as for their parents) BUT in cases where grandparents, for whatever reason, do things very different from your family or act strangely it is helpful, especially for older children if parents do acknowledge these strange behaviours that the grandparents indulge in.

Telling them they can ask granny for gift vouchers, etc, but warning them that granny may not give them because she believes in giving actual gifts will help them to accept that is granny’s way. Children hear and sense far more than we give them credit for and it is better to explain the situation to them than that they hear bits and get an incorrect understanding of the matter.

 

[rayne89]

Just to comment on the bit I bolded, children should always be taught respect for the their grandparents (same as for their parents) BUT in cases where grandparents, for whatever reason, do things very different from your family or act strangely it is helpful, especially for older children if parents do acknowledge these strange behaviours that the grandparents indulge in.

Telling them they can ask granny for gift vouchers, etc, but warning them that granny may not give them because she believes in giving actual gifts will help them to accept that is granny’s way. Children hear and sense far more than we give them credit for and it is better to explain the situation to them than that they hear bits and get an incorrect understanding of the matter.

I agree explaining is fine -without adding how ridiculous or stupid it is that Grandma acts this way.

I think a good way to teach charity and gratefulness would be gathering the children after Christmas and saying something like this. “You know its its very kind of grandma to be so generous, and she seems to enjoy buying things for her grandchildren. You know there are a lot of children who don’t have all the wonderful things we have and since you children already have so many wonderful toys why don’t we take many of these things and donate it to children who have so little. We don’t want to hurt grandma’s feelings so we won’t mention that to her though ok?”

Even if her intentions are not really to be generous, its good to teach children to give people the benefit of the doubt. And truly this woman is controlling you by getting you so worked up about it. If you accept the gifts graciously and quietly donate them and then go about your normal life she hasn’t controlled you at all. By making a fuss you give her more power, she gets to tell people how “ungrateful you are” or what a “mean mom” you are to deny your children them her “fun gifts.” “Can you believe she wanted me to give my grandchildren sheets? And an air purifier.” -you know she’ll spin it to make you bad. Just more stuff to feed her neurosis.

 

[leonie]

My mil is a little like this in the fact that she has a certain way she wants to do gifts and it doesn’t always jive with our needs.

My wise dh just goes along with it.

Last Christmas for dh’s side of the family, my Mil wanted us to pull names out of a hat–one name per person. Well, we had six kids with no money and every one else has grown kids and a comfortable income. So, my mil pitches this idea and then tells us she’ll finance our present buying.

I hated the idea. I was 7 months pregnant and now I had to shop for 8 more presents and then I felt completely humiliated giving gifts that someone else paid for.

But, dh said for family peace, do it. So, whatever.

Mil’s are so complicated…

Dr. Ray says that his family refuses to accept toys. They bag them up and take them to the homeless shelter. He doesn’t want his kids to have many toys. He doesn’t care if relatives are offended. It’s a moral point with him. He thinks too many toys ruins kids. I’ll try to find the link to his talk on this.

Personally, I’d send a list of books. I have a wish list of books a mile long.

 

[leonie]

ewtn.com/vondemand/audio/file_index.asp?SeriesId=6147&pgnu=

somewhere in this series…

 

[ryecroft]

I agree explaining is fine -without adding how ridiculous or stupid it is that Grandma acts this way.

I think a good way to teach charity and gratefulness would be gathering the children after Christmas and saying something like this. “You know its its very kind of grandma to be so generous, and she seems to enjoy buying things for her grandchildren. You know there are a lot of children who don’t have all the wonderful things we have and since you children already have so many wonderful toys why don’t we take many of these things and donate it to children who have so little. We don’t want to hurt grandma’s feelings so we won’t mention that to her though ok?”

Even if her intentions are not really to be generous, its good to teach children to give people the benefit of the doubt. And truly this woman is controlling you by getting you so worked up about it. If you accept the gifts graciously and quietly donate them and then go about your normal life she hasn’t controlled you at all. By making a fuss you give her more power, she gets to tell people how “ungrateful you are” or what a “mean mom” you are to deny your children them her “fun gifts.” “Can you believe she wanted me to give my grandchildren sheets? And an air purifier.” -you know she’ll spin it to make you bad. Just more stuff to feed her neurosis.

I really like your idea, but I’ve seen this (speaking about the hey, let’s give it to charity) where parents have said it this way - the whay don’t WE give it to… - what if the kids don’t agree about giving them away? Do you then say well too bad insert kids name - it’s going there anyway? This MIGHT work with some older kids but I know a lot of kids that it wouldn’t work with. I have no problem with giving to charities - I mean if we’re talking about the gift that was the 3 identical dolls well then, o.k. (you could even consider regifting those - I know that our god children nephews and neices have more b-day parties than you can imagine-ormaybe you can) - but I don’t know of many that would truely, willingly give up their brand new Christmas gifts. I was just curious - I know there are kids that probably would, but they are NOT the kids in my family. If it’s an identical gift then, yes, perhaps but something else brand new?

God Bless
Rye

 

[Phemie]

Most of our married life we lived away from family. Both sets of grandparents sent money to me and allowed me to buy whatever the kids wanted/needed. They also sent stocking stuffers and cards. My kids always looked forward to the ritual Christmas Eve opening of new PJs from grandma & grampa (later just grampa).

There was always a Hallmark ornament from someone, starting with the “Baby’s First Christmas” one. The ritual ‘placing of my ornaments’ each year added to the Christmas tree decorating fun and they all had enough ornaments for their own Christmas tree when they left home. I still send an ornament each year and will do that for any grandchild I’m blessed with.

We now live far from our children and we do the money in a card thing, sent along with a box of stocking stuffers. We’ve never met DS1’s girlfriend or DS2’s fiancée so can’t even pretend to know their likes and dislikes. I send my sons money to buy them something from us unless DS1&2 tell me of something specific that M&K would like that I am able to get for them.

 

[Truly_Beloved]

We are grown ups, w/ baby #5 on the way, when is the controlledness going to stop???

When you finally decide that the two of you have had enough, and y’all stop catering to his mom. People can only control you if you let them. It’s hard, I know (trust me, I know…), but ultimately, it comes down to choices. You choose what you will tolerate from a controlling person.

For example, if the discussion starts getting uncomfortable, then a simple, “I am feeling disrespected. If it continues, I will end the conversation,” will work, but you actually have to follow through and end the discussion if she persists. Don’t engage her in an argument (it takes two to argue), because then she thinks she has power over you or can change your mind. Don’t give explanations (especially why you don’t want the kids to have such-and-such stuff), because then she has the opportunity to argue with you, dismiss your opinion, or berate you. When name-calling gets thrown around (you’re a “mean mom”), then be honest and blunt, “I don’t appreciate being called names, and I am ending this conversation.” Click.

She sounds pretty hardcore, Mamacita, so I think the respectful, yet blunt, approach will work (it’s worked for me, anyhow… ). Keep it simple, and use very few words.