Desolate and alone

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NiceMimi said:
It seems to me that you may be depressed. Have you thought of seeing a doctor about your situation?
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Yes, but I have taken antidepressants before, many years ago, and I did not enjoy the experience. Also, I am able to function and carry out my responsibilities (which are all that I have anyway, and once my plans come to fruition I won’t even have those, since my ‘dependents’ will no longer be dependent on me!), so I have tentatively decided against the medical option.
I think that marriage will come to you when you least expect it. Lately, when I think about my son, I have to remind myself that Rome was not built in a day.
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Well, I am 40 years old, so the days are somewhat shorter now, in a manner of speaking. However, I acknowledge that the problem is a lack of faith and a lack of acceptance on my part, coupled with the constant memory of my own colossal mistakes. I would love nothing more than to be able to simply accept God’s will, whatever that might be, and be at peace, secure in the knowledge He will provide what is best for me. However, the reality is that I am weak, and needy, and lacking in faith.
Sometimes, when things get really bad, I just visualize myself walking up to God’s great feet, and leaving my problems at His Great Feet.
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I trust all will go well with you! God bless you!
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The problem with setting my problems down and turning away from them is that there is nothing to turn away to. Really, everything I have is either the problem or part of the problem. I just don’t have anything else in my life to provide shelter and solace for me. I do cling to the hope that there is a reason why I am going through this (other than my own stupidity, of course).

God be with you, Mimi. I will say a little prayer for you and your family.
 
chipeto said:
Yes, but I have taken antidepressants before, many years ago, and I did not enjoy the experience. Also, I am able to function and carry out my responsibilities (which are all that I have anyway, and once my plans come to fruition I won’t even have those, since my ‘dependents’ will no longer be dependent on me!), so I have tentatively decided against the medical option.

Well, I am 40 years old, so the days are somewhat shorter now, in a manner of speaking. However, I acknowledge that the problem is a lack of faith and a lack of acceptance on my part, coupled with the constant memory of my own colossal mistakes. I would love nothing more than to be able to simply accept God’s will, whatever that might be, and be at peace, secure in the knowledge He will provide what is best for me. However, the reality is that I am weak, and needy, and lacking in faith.

The problem with setting my problems down and turning away from them is that there is nothing to turn away to. Really, everything I have is either the problem or part of the problem. I just don’t have anything else in my life to provide shelter and solace for me. I do cling to the hope that there is a reason why I am going through this (other than my own stupidity, of course).

God be with you, Mimi. I will say a little prayer for you and your family.
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You didn’t say how long ago you took anti-depressant medication, but though I am not a doctor, I do know that they have progressed a great deal. So, you may want to reconsider.

I don’t see anything you’ve done as a mistake in any way, shape or form. You did someone a favor, and now you have decided to move on. In the interim, you are kindly and patiently waiting for things to fall into place so that you can quickly move on to another phase of your life. I am sure that you enjoyed having them around, but you are ready to start a new phase. I don’t think you are weak, needy or lacking faith. In fact, just by virtue of the fact that you post here and are taking steps in your faith tells me that you have a lot of faith. Also, if you were weak and needy, you would not have been able to help your friend and her kids. There has to be independence and strength in a man who has helped a friend and her children. You are being too harsh on yourself.

God is already doing great things in your life. You clearly are good at your job since you are able to support a whole crew of people. You are clearly likeable since the kids don’t run screaming when you are around, and they clearly like to talk to you. (kids have more honest opinions of people). Someone suggested that you do volunteer work. I think volunteer work will provide another positive outlet for you. Why don’t you look at Volunteermatch.org, and see if you can’t find something. I am sure there are a lot of organizations that would climb over each other just to have someone like you who is skilled with children, and great with computers.

Thank you for your prayers for us! God bless you! I will continue praying for you Chip! You may not see it, but you are progressing! Again, God bless!
 
Heavenly Father, in faith, I thank You for caring for our dear Chip, and for walking with him every step of the way on his journey with You. Lord, thank You for bringing a peaceful and blessed life to him. Amen.
 
Heavenly Father, in faith, I thank You for caring for our dear Chip, and for walking with him every step of the way on his journey with You. Lord, thank You for bringing a peaceful and blessed life to him. Amen.
 
Heavenly Father, in faith, I thank You for caring for our dear Chip, and for walking with him every step of the way on his journey with You. Lord, thank You for bringing a peaceful and blessed life to him. Amen.
 
Heavenly Father, in faith, I thank You for caring for our dear Chip, and for walking with him every step of the way on his journey with You. Lord, thank You for bringing a peaceful and blessed life to him. Amen.
 
Heavenly Father, in faith, I thank You for caring for our dear Chip, and for walking with him every step of the way on his journey with You. Thank You Father for giving Chip insight into all things, and for giving him the wisdom in handling them. Thank You Father for carrying him and guiding him. Lord, thank You for bringing a peaceful and blessed life to him. Amen.
 
Hey I’m dealing with a situation where me and my gf have been together almost a year. She has cats which I’m allergic to, though she doesn’t think I’m allergic because I was around one but didn’t have any contact with. I believe she is putting me before her cats stating that she said she’d get rid of them when we were married but my guard goes up because I believe this is a deeper issue since if it was the opposite I would gladly give anything for her. Including she’s allergic to something so I don’t even touch it even though I could. What should I do?
 
This is very very sad. 😦

My advice?

Leave the place and do something for yourself. There are several good Catholic dating websites. It’s never too late to get married have have a family of your own.
 
Debora123 said:
This is very very sad. 😦

My advice?

Leave the place and do something for yourself. There are several good Catholic dating websites. It’s never too late to get married have have a family of your own.
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I have to be sure; were you referring to me, or to BrotherlyLove?
 
BrotherlyLove said:
Hey I’m dealing with a situation where me and my gf have been together almost a year. She has cats which I’m allergic to, though she doesn’t think I’m allergic because I was around one but didn’t have any contact with. I believe she is putting me before her cats stating that she said she’d get rid of them when we were married but my guard goes up because I believe this is a deeper issue since if it was the opposite I would gladly give anything for her. Including she’s allergic to something so I don’t even touch it even though I could. What should I do?
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You should get allergy shots so that you won’t be allergic to cats anymore. 👍

Do you have health insurance? Ask your doctor about allergy shots.
 
You are not alone. I understand that you have been in the orbit of the Catholic Church. When those RCIA classes begin, you may begin to take on another outlook. As you become involved, and find more activities, you will have more reason not to continue in this situation, and less reasons to be there. There’s all good advice here.

However, I suggest that if it’s not your home that you move out. If it is your home, I would give her a date certain and offer to help find the place, even to the placing of a security deposit and first month’s rent for her. And then your financial responsibility ends. It’s important for you to move on and you cannot while you continue to live in the same home because it keeps you stuck. When ending a financially dependent relationship it’s proper and fair to choose a date and financially support the move, after which point it ends.

The relationship is unhealthy for you and you are not living your life, but hers. Your suspicions and concern about who she is with and her lying is not helpful to you and adding to your feelings of being alone. This is indeed a form of grief.

Someone suggested anti-depressants. Great strides have been made since you may have last taken them. Consider seeing a psychopharmacologist – one who is schooled in the fine-tuning of anti-depressants. They take time to work, but a psychopharmacologist can work on the right combos and strengths that best suit you. I would suggest talk therapy, apart from the psychopharmacologist. I’m just putting it out there; you can just hold on to the thought.

But I do pray you find the strength to either move out, or have her move – depending on who owns the home.

Though this is seemingly difficult now, God has opened a door for you to walk through by the change in the living situation. You will find many new friends and opportunities on the other side and you will be able to put this behind you.

I will pray for you too. I promise you that whatever is on the other side of that door is better than continuing to live in a situation that was not fully satisfying for you. You sound like a good, kind and decent person – someone that anyone would be lucky to know and want to be with. One step at a time.

God Bless.
 
Thanks to all for the kind words and the prayers, and to BrotherlyLove for the much needed levity.

Many things have happened since I began this (rather long) thread; I will touch on these only briefly. I am enormously less attached to W, I no longer feel any real desire to know what she is doing, now I am merely very, very weary and wish to be done with her. She and I have established that we will cease to live together by the time the lease expires next September (we rent this house, both our names are on the lease, but I do currently pay all of the bills). We have made some progress in reducing the financial dependency she has on me, but there is a long way to go. Emotionally, I am much better, sometimes I even feel happy, but I do have some very bleak, dark days. Last week, I had a night so bad that I stayed home from work the next day. Last night was also bad; I didn’t sleep at all because of it.

Much of the complication is due to my relationship with the kids. Consider that I have been a daily fixture in their lives for 14 years, which for them might as well be forever. They have always had me to rely on, they depend on me, they confide in me. For the two young boys, the association is even stronger. I represent to them, among other things, safety and security. So how will they feel about me when their situation abruptly changes, I am no longer present, and they experience financial hardship because their mother, despite my many attempts and offers to help her sort out her finances and improve her situation, has continued to procrastinate and act irresponsibly and has not done what she needs to do to budget her money, rein in her expenses, and pursue the state assistance she needs. She is so busy being in love, finding every available moment and excuse that can be found to sneak away with her boyfriend, often returning in the wee hours of the morning, that she can’t be bothered to do the things for her family’s future that I can’t do for her. I am very much afraid that the kids will be hurt and will feel that I have abandoned them.

I haven’t ruled out antidepressants or therapy, but right now I’m just trying to develop a meaningful prayer life and to learn to surrender to God’s will. If I have found any happiness in the last few months, I am sure it is because He has granted me a little bit of grace in this area. I’m also looking for opportunities to serve others. I worked on a SVDP Thanksgiving food drive this morning and the regulars seemed to take a liking to me, so hopefully that will lead to more opportunities with them.

And…I am preparing to start dating again. The last time I dated, I was a young man, now I’m…40. So it might as well be all new to me. God’s will be done.

Thanks for listening.
 
I am glad to hear that you are making progress.

As to the boys, you will find resolution. They and you have 9 more months to prepare. Their lives are already disrupted by their father’s move; your move can be eased into but should not be abrupt so consider that the boys will have to know that this is coming.

Pray to God that you and she can find a common ground in this regard.

I don’t know how old the younger two are, but they will grow up and move on to friends, activities, college and places of their own too someday. Pray for balance in this decision that works in the best interest of you and the boys. The boys will want to see you happy.

However, at some point you need to consider to prepare them for the changes that are coming so that it is not sudden. I think you know that and they will sense it by the changes in the household as you spend more time away with classes and with new friends and new activities. They may already sense the changes, and depending on their ages you may find that they can see the rightness of this change, if not immediately, eventually. You know them, and I do not.

This is might be one thing that you may need counseling on so that the boys do not feel abandoned. So, keep an open mind that the counselling you might seek might be working toward to the emotional support of the boys too. Remember, regardless of the father’s financial situation or ability, these are his reponsibilities too.

Any financial support you might want to continue in that regard should be in their direct need. That is your choice. I know this is jumping ahead a bit, but at some point you have to consider your own financial needs for your future. That future may also include a family of your own.

I sense you sometimes feel overwhelmed by the numbers of issues you face. They don’t need to be tackled all at once. These are merely suggestions, as others have made suggestions here, as to some things you might do and look toward doing. As you get over one hurdle, you will find it easier to move onto the next problem or decision.

And for a man, to be dating at 40, is not so unusual nor is it old. You will find opportunities in that regard as well. I am certain of this.

Just take one step at a time – you choose the obstacle to tackle first, but I see the first as being to strive and continue to remove the co-dependency this woman has with you and that you work to mentally separate from her problems, so you can form your new life. I know you have taken some steps in that direction. Continue to do so and be strong.

Trust me; it will resolve though it will take time, but there is a good and fair ending for you and the boys. Continue to pray, as we all are doing for you, and God will walk this path with you.

I am sorry for the length of this; I also apologize if I have overstepped a bit (I do tend to be direct). But I sense you are a good man and want to do the right thing. I hope this has helped you somewhat, or at least some suggestion will help you toward your goal.

God Bless you and I will continue to pray for all of you. The woman as well, that she might also work toward making a better life for herself and her boys, while you work on your new life.
 
Just to add forty is no age at all and you will possibly be surprised by just how many people of a similar age to yourself are still searching for their partner for life. My thoughts and prayers are with you, you sound like a wonderful kind, generous man. Forgive yourself for your “snooping”. Take baby steps, that is the best way to a whole new much more positive lifestyle, and God will be with you each step of the way. If you will allow and keep us updated so will we xxxxx
 
Hi chipeto,

I’ve kind of been following this thread since you started it but have always been at a loss for any advice as the situation you are describing is more than mind boggling. Catholic men cheating on their wife of 30years is almost more normal in my books (I mean it’s more frequent therefore less shocking).

Half of me is thinking what’s wrong with this guy, living as his ex’s doormat- and what the heck was wrong with her ex husband accepting that?!- and the other half is truly amazed that a man would provide and care for children who are not his own and for a woman who kicked him to the curb while TONS of men don’t care about their own children and loving wives but anyhow… You are definitely a great person, with wonderful potential and for whom, I have no doubt God will work marvelous things. I am certain that that bleak, lonely future that you envision will never materialize.

Anyhow, there’s one thing I might be able to advise on. Having lived in rentals all my life, IF you do decide to speed the process along, you may very well be able to get out of the lease at a small penalty. We were half way through a lease when we decided to move countries and the landlord told us that we’d lose the last month’s pay if she didn’t find another tenant but was willing to return it to us if she found someone right away- we only gave her one month notice.
We had another semi-emergency situation where we had to move out 3 months into a lease and we reached the same agreement with the landlord.

Again, if you feel you need this much time, by all means take it, but I wanted to let you know that there is a way out, or at least, you can explore this option. The more notice you give the landlord the more likely that he will just let you go.

Keep up the prayer and the counseling and all the great things you’ve been doing.

And don’t worry, you’re not old, when I was 20 I thought 40 was just right lol.
if I’m not mistaken, the actor from Bella, Eduardo Verastegui, is also 40 and still single. I doubt he’s happy about it but he’s doing wonderful things with his life. God has great things in store for all of us. Keep the faith and the hope alive!
 
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