Disagreement on Makeup/Decorum

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I was married, for 5 years. I followed through as a husband and acted according to my vocation. As of now, the annulment process is completing, but that’s why it’s important that this communication is understood.
 
ShowersofRoses said:
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Xanthippe_Voorhees:
And in this current social climate it’s VITAL to ensure that things that are opinions aren’t simply thrown in the sin box. Save that for stuff that matters…stealing, lying, cheating…etc
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Agree 100%
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Thanks. Seeing how making something innocuous sinful was a big deal to me. It seems so arbitrary and capricious to kids when faced with things like that. Pixar is ok but then Disney baught it so it’s not ok? That kind of thing is hard for a kid to swallow.
gcshapero said:
The thing is I too would want to teach our children right from wrong, including venial sins. So if makeup was indeed sinful in itself, I’d be with her. It’s just that we disagree and we haven’t found a way to handle it.
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But you need to be on the same page or else you are forcing your children to pick sides. Immagine you have a teenage girl with acne who wants a bit of foundation to cover up scars. Even if she’s happy Daddy lets her do it, she’s either going to be hesitant to disobey her mother thinking she’s sinning or she’s going to feel that Daddy can undermine Mommy any time it’s better for her.
 
There are going to be big things that come up in a marital relationship. This is “leave the cap off the toothpaste tube” stuff.
The answer to this one is clearly more discussion and more finding out about the person and why they think this way and deciding whether or not you can live with what their view is.
That’s it.
Shouldn’t need this much crowd sourcing.
I’m out, have a nice day.
 
gcshapero said:
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Xanthippe_Voorhees:
But you need to be on the same page or else you are forcing your children to pick sides.
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100% agree. That’s the point of all of this. I’m with you
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I think you need to point blank ask, “I don’t think I will ever agree that makeup is inherently sinful. If we have a child who needs to use makeup for theatre or to cover up acne scars could I trust you to have my back”
 
Xanthippe_Voorhees said:
“I don’t think I will ever agree that makeup is inherently sinful. If we have a child who needs to use makeup for theatre or to cover up acne scars could I trust you to have my back”
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That’s actually exactly what I asked her – not the theatre thing (though I did ask her about her opinion on that too). I asked her directly if she’d support me in that decision and I didn’t get a direct yes.
 
FOCCUS with two "C"s. It’s an assessment (not a test) that many dioceses/parishes use in the premarital preparation process. However, you don’t have to wait until you are engaged to do FOCCUS.

Each person takes the assessment with many questions on a range of topics. Trained facilitators take the results and discuss with the couple on areas that they had agreement and areas that they had disagreement in order to bring these things to light and discuss.

You can google it, they have a website.
 
I think you are wise to consider this. It may seem like a small thing, but if you can’t compromise on this then what on bigger issues like college choices etc. I am of course talking about for your children. Of course there will be people who say wait to see what happens, I don’t agree. I think talk about these things before you marry, in fact I think it is essential that you do, if not then that is why people end up in divorce. So why not discuss hypothetically with her what you’ve discussed with us, ask her if you married and had daughters would she allow them to wear make up? If she says no then ask her if she would not even consider it and if your opinions don’t matter. Would or could you and her not discuss it with a elder in the church or a respected person, one of you’s mother or a priest or someone you both respect? Ask her if there are any other topics she feels that way about? Ask her if she would be upset if you felt that way about say… and make up a subject she may not accept to make her think. Try get her to see how important compromise is. And listening to each other opinions… and also taking a 3rd person into account… the fictional daughter or daughters. If you don’t then once they turn 18 they will simply rebel and likely leave you both and the church…over something so small. Would it not be better to compromise a little. See what she says and does? But this may not end well

Personally I agree with you, a little moderately applied. My mom always said less is more. I think you are right not to make an issue of it with her she is an adult and free to chose as she wishes but it may well be an issue with children and not that in itself but the refusal to compromise or look at other opinions. That may be what she has chosen for herself but it would be wrong to teach a child that it is sinful in itself, if that is what she would do.

Forgive me if this has all been answered I haven’t read it all, scrolling is a lot
 
Tis_Bearself said:
There are going to be big things that come up in a marital relationship. This is “leave the cap off the toothpaste tube” stuff.
The answer to this one is clearly more discussion and more finding out about the person and why they think this way and deciding whether or not you can live with what their view is.
That’s it.
Shouldn’t need this much crowd sourcing.
I’m out, have a nice day.
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You’re entitled to your opinion, of course. But there’s nothing wrong with someone seeking the advice and opinions of others, even if it’s a small matter. Obviously, if it was such a small thing, the issue wouldn’t have garnered this much attention.
 
True, but if my wife was posting about our issues to strangers on the internet, I might be a little upset.
 
Canvas said:
True, but if my wife was posting about our issues to strangers on the internet, I might be a little upset.
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I could see your point if he never discussed the issue with her but he has discussed it with her a lot. Sometimes getting an outside perspective is good.
 
If you google “catholic cosmetic sin” you will find a wide range of “Catholic modesty” blogs, forum posts, articles the Natl Catholic Register and pretty recent Taylor Marshall articles.

They range from odd to outright Protestant Holiness opinions.

The funniest one I found is that makeup is okay to hide scars but, sinful to contour cheekbones 🤣🤣🤣😂😚

Cosmetics are morally neutral. Honestly, some of the “God made you this way so do not try to improve it” is silly when you draw it out. Should we then stop bathing? What about going to the dentist, is it a sin to have a partial if I lose my front teeth? Shaving, that surely is sinful, right? What about wearing a bra? I mean, after a certain point, breasts sag down. It is then a sin to support them to a more youthful position? Is a breathmint a sin?
 
But she is not his wife.
I would be ok with my husband discussing becore our marriage as this shows he thinks well before acting…
 
Canvas said:
on an internet forum?
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I have no plan of asking our own friends so as to not tarnish her reputation in any way. I’m asking strangers on a Catholic forum because no one here knows us.

If this comes up to anyone we know, ideally it’ll be with a priest or a reliable married couple, and with both of us on board.
 
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Yes, why not? Lots of people, different opinions. And, if it was a more tricky subject one could be ashamed of, better than discussing with a person who will see her in the future only as the make up is sinful lady when meeting.
 
gcshapero said:
Her sisters and her mother along with all of her local cousins and aunts wear makeup. She’s the only one.
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Armchair psychologist here, but, I would not be surprised if there has been some words or actions from one or some of those other women that has skewed her thinking. Maybe someone has acted in a way your GF finds to be sinful or vain or mean and the negative association is with the cosmetics instead of the actions of the person. I will bet you find some sort of trigger there. Sadly, we women can be brutal to one another.
 
Great point. That could be it. Her sisters and her mother are all very Godly women and very loving people. This doesn’t mean none of them could have possibly done something at some point that scarred her, but they themselves find no issue with makeup and remain very faithful to the Church.
 
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