Disruptive little ones at Mass

[ConstantineTG]

Why do you really want to keep your kids away from Mass? In the Eastern Church, kids at Liturgy is valued a lot. Kids also receive Communion (those who received the Sacrament of Initiation in the Eastern Church of course). In our UGCC parish we’ve been trying get back certain traditions with children, like kissing the Book of Gospels.

I read an article where some young Catholic families moved to Eastern parishes because of what they say is a child friendly atmosphere. As the entire Liturgy is chanted and sung and the flow is continuous, there is hardly a break in the singing and chanting for kid noises to be noticeable. Also in parishes that has upheld the standing-only tradition (no pews) kids can roam around the nave without being too disruptive or noticeable.

 

[TBolt1000T]

I remember one holy day I took my son by myself to Mass. He was about 2 1/2, and nothing I did would calm him (I even resorted to standing outside the church to listen to the Mass until I could at least receive communion). One parishioner told me to take my child and leave b/c he was disturbing the whole church.

Less than 1 year later, my son was diagnosed on the autism spectrum. I never attended that church again. My home parish is much more loving and accepting of all of God’s children.

My best advice…1) move to another part of the church or attend another mass; 2) ask the pastor if this is an ongoing issue or if there are family circumstances that you may be unaware of; 3) remember that Jesus wanted the little children to come to Him, so try to be tolerant.

I am not a big fan of a stranger telling me how to parent simply b/c one just does not know what medical/emotional issues (something like ADD and autism are invisible disabilities). I have educated many people about my son’s disability. And I thank you for taking the time to read this post.

God bless.

I tried to be as kind as I could to the parent, and he really apreciated it. I even shook one of the little ones’ hand. I didn’t want to move to a different pew, because I was afraid that since I’m visually impaired, I would have made a commotion. Usually at the parish I attend, the noise makers are in the back, the middle is relatively empty, and there are quite a fiew quieter people nearer the front. I guess that what happened yesterday was a fluke.

The parent was apparently holding the noisiest child, because he was right at ear level. Fortunately, I recorded the Mass on my digital audio recorder, and the recorder was on a small stand in the pew, quite a bit lower than ear level, and it wasn’t pointed at the children, and I was surprised to find that the little ones were much further in the background on the recording than expected. They were probably just distracting me because they were right at ear level.

Thanks to everyone for your responses.

 

[TBolt1000T]

A couple of things- I attend the same parish as the OP-
First the parish is huge, with awesome amplification, so when a child cries or is noisy, it echoes pretty bad. Father speaking louder I don’t think would make a dent in a child being noisy back where the OP was sitting.
Secondly, the OP is totally blind so getting up mid-Mass is not something he can just do. Also, the OP depends on his hearing of the Mass to learn (he’s not Catholic yet).
Josh, I think you handled it good the way it went down. If I had been a parent sitting in front of you with the kids making noise I probably would have looked back during the ‘shhh’ and saw that you were having trouble and would have shushed the kids myself.
Sometimes parents get so used to the noise their children make that they don’t realize it’s as loud as it really is, so I think nicely saying something to the parents would be fine, but I’d try to do it as quietly as possible and with as much love as possible.

Hi Rachel. Thanks a bunch for explaining my situation to the other posters. Now that I’ve been thinking about it, I do think that the poster who said something about the priest or diecan speaking louder, could be on the right track. The PA doesn’t seem nearly as loud as it used to be back when I went there in 2008-2009. If I remember correctly, I could sit in the same place back then, and hear both the choir and the priest without any problems. Now, even without noisy little ones, it’s harder to hear. The little ones were loud, but the PA could have been a bit louder. I’ll probably say something to the pastor about the PA when he gets back in town later on this week.

 

[zab]

The judgemental views in this thread are upsetting to say the least.

I am asking myself: What is more challenging, to have to adjust my church going experience so that I can hear better with the children making noise at mass, or to have a noisy child to take to mass?

Great question. At this time in my life, I would rather stick with my own challenging aches and pains while sitting behind the family with noisy children if necessary than to be the one who has to handle the noisy children.

And to the OP- I guess that is why they were sitting in the back. Should the parents have “shushed” them more? perhaps. I wasn’t there so I can’t really comment on what I think they could have done better. Should you have said something to them about their children? I would not recommend it. Young parents learn as they go along how to handle their misbehaving children at Mass. Some are more difficult to handle than others. And sometimes it is damned if you do and damned if you don’t regarding the manner in which you deal with the situation. But I would recommend that you move up a little closer to the front the next time.

 

[Hoxbar]

I’m not catholic but I have been attending mass and I’m currently in RCIA. I’ve found that some catholic are not very friendly to noncatholics trying to learn the customs. Little children may from time to time make noise.
I the parish that I’ve been visiting there is a severly handicapped girl that makes lots of noise and moves all the time during mass. Thankfully nobody in the parish condems the parents or the child. This must be extremely embrassing for the parents but thankfully nobody makes them feel unloved or offended. Please remember this while you’re being bothered by these toddlers.

 

[Iowa_Mike]

This post is sad because bad behavior by children during mass is completely unnecessary, completely. This is a parenting failure pure and simple. I’ve raised children and I didn’t let them act out in mass, bring toys, eat snacks, climb, talk, run up and down the aisles, play games, lay on the floor or pew or anything else.

I go to a church where the children are silent, reverent etc. The parents don’t allow them to do any of the behaviors mentioned above. If they get the least bit disruptive one of the parents takes the child to the cry room.

If you see a teenager slumping in his seat, texting, talking or playing with his navel during mass I’m quite certain he was one of the little darlings that did whatever he or she wanted during mass when they were little, they are just behaving as they were trained.

God Bless,

Iowa Mike

 

[JHow]

… I’ve raised children and I didn’t let them act out in mass, bring toys, eat snacks, climb, talk, run up and down the aisles, play games, lay on the floor or pew or anything else.

I go to a church where the children are silent, reverent etc. The parents don’t allow them to do any of the behaviors mentioned above.

There is a difference between bringing toys, eating, running up and down aisles, games, laying on the floor, and the crying that a small (let’s say two year old) child will do when it is tired (most likely cause). Some crying is unavoidable. The child is okay and then it gets fussy and then at some point you get to this point…

…one of the parents takes the child to the cry room.

Parents are torn because sometimes a child will go quiet again (you hope) but if its too loud then you have to go outside (meanwhile someone else is probably sitting in the next pew scowling at you). You are trying to balance: “Should I just go now? Will she calm down?” I have three, the oldest are very well-behaved (now) and the smallest (2 yo) will sometimes fuss.

The alternative is not to take her, but that doesn’t seem right. Christ had some positive things to say about children, after all.

 

[Iowa_Mike]

There is a difference between bringing toys, eating, running up and down aisles, games, laying on the floor, and the crying that a small (let’s say two year old) child will do when it is tired (most likely cause). Some crying is unavoidable. The child is okay and then it gets fussy and then at some point you get to this point…

Parents are torn because sometimes a child will go quiet again (you hope) but if its too loud then you have to go outside (meanwhile someone else is probably sitting in the next pew scowling at you). You are trying to balance: “Should I just go now? Will she calm down?” I have three, the oldest are very well-behaved (now) and the smallest (2 yo) will sometimes fuss.

The alternative is not to take her, but that doesn’t seem right. Christ had some positive things to say about children, after all.

Ask your priest for a cry room, take the child into the gathering area and watch mass from there…but don’t impose your crying child on those around you trying to worship. I know it’s not easy but respect needs to run two ways.

God Bless,

Iowa Mike

 

[ConstantineTG]

I think we as a community, as a Church, should bear this as a common responsibility. Bringing up children going to Mass is a wonderful thing and is a start of a good habit. I speak from experience, I grew up going to Mass even if I didn’t want to. At some point in my adult life I slipped in my belief but I found my way back because of the good habits my parents put in me. I never stopped going to Mass because I felt its something I had to do to satisfy my mom. And me being there, God has granted me the grace to accept Him in my life again.

So lets not wait until our kids are older. By then they would have been used to not go to Mass. We sleep train kids, we potty train kids, why not church train them? Going to church should be a basic function of our lives which we need to survive spiritualy. And for those who do not have kids, be supportive at least by being tolerant. Think not only of ourselves but the future Christians. Prayer doesn’t have to be words, it can be our actions. By accepting and tolerating these children who will grow into the Christians of tomorrow, we have prayed for the future of our Church and faith here on earth.

 

[Iowa_Mike]

I think we as a community, as a Church, should bear this as a common responsibility. Bringing up children going to Mass is a wonderful thing and is a start of a good habit. I speak from experience, I grew up going to Mass even if I didn’t want to. At some point in my adult life I slipped in my belief but I found my way back because of the good habits my parents put in me. I never stopped going to Mass because I felt its something I had to do to satisfy my mom. And me being there, God has granted me the grace to accept Him in my life again.

So lets not wait until our kids are older. By then they would have been used to not go to Mass. We sleep train kids, we potty train kids, why not church train them? Going to church should be a basic function of our lives which we need to survive spiritualy. And for those who do not have kids, be supportive at least by being tolerant. Think not only of ourselves but the future Christians. Prayer doesn’t have to be words, it can be our actions. By accepting and tolerating these children who will grow into the Christians of tomorrow, we have prayed for the future of our Church and faith here on earth.

I think taking the children to mass is wonderful but they need to be trained in proper behavior. I’m very tolerant of parents who are engaged in training their children to behave until it becomes disruptive to everyone around them. I come to mass to worship God not to watch mom and dad indulge their bad and disruptive behavior.

My daughter has eight children from 3 - 18. She takes them all to mass and occasionally has to remove the three (3) year old to the cry room or gathering area. The rest are quiet and respectful.

God Bless,

Iowa Mike

 

[ConstantineTG]

But how else can we train them if not take them to Mass? We must understand that there are as many personalities as there are people, including children. We don’t know the circumstances in their homes. Maybe the father works 2-3 jobs just to make ends meet and don’t have time for our standards of discipline. A little charity goes a long way.

 

[Iowa_Mike]

I’m not sure why there is such and expectation that people must sit and endure the bad behavior of other people’s children. I totally agree they should come to mass to learn about how to behave and how to worship. However, they also must learn consideration and respect too.

God Bless,

Iowa Mike

 

[mellowcalico]

I bring my little girl to Mass (she just turned 6). When she was younger, I brought her little snacks and quiet toys (I was always mindful of quite toys). But as she got older, the toys and snacks went away and I added a reward to the mix. I always take her out to lunch after Mass (our 10:45 Mass usually ends around noon).

If she is “good” (pays attention, says the prayers she knows, is quiet) she gets to pick where we eat lunch. She’s usually good–she probably would be even without the reward, but it’s a nice carrot. Although the problem I run into is that she feels the need to whisper to me every 10-15 minutes, “am I being good?” Luckily for those around me, this only disrupts my focus, not theirs (I hope). She is also at a question stage, you wouldn’t believe how many questions I had to answer this past Sunday about the Advent candles, etc.

Despite being “good” for most Masses, sometimes, every few months, she does misbehave and I am at my wits end. Those are the times I end up having to take her out of the sanctuary. One time, on a Holy Day I had to work and I could only take her to an evening Mass–right near her bedtime. She started misbehaving and getting fussy and I recognized she was just too tired to behave (and I was tired too after a long day at work and was getting too frustrated myself). I left Mass early.

I asked a priest about it and he said not to feel embarrassed and not to feel obligated to leave Mass like that again.

 

[ConstantineTG]

I guess that is where we don’t fully agree. I don’t consider children acting as children to be disrespect. Adults should act like adults and show the maturity to accept that children are childrent and be more tolerant. Its the kids who are supposed to be whiny

I am not suggesting that kids be set loose as if on a playground. But expecting them to behave like adults is also asking too much.

 

[Iowa_Mike]

I guess that is where we don’t fully agree. I don’t consider children acting as children to be disrespect. Adults should act like adults and show the maturity to accept that children are childrent and be more tolerant. Its the kids who are supposed to be whiny

I am not suggesting that kids be set loose as if on a playground. But expecting them to behave like adults is also asking too much.

Where is your consideration for people trying to worship at mass? The idea that kids can eat Cheerios, play games, climb, talk, cry constantly, fight with each other, walk around while mom and dad smile and nod and I’m the one that needs to accept that they are just children being children? The point is I do…it isn’t th children’s fault at all, it is the permissive, selfish attitude of the parents. I have a perfect right to expect that I can attend mass without being assaulted by children whose parents are so clueless that they let them do whatever they want. If parents can’t control their kids in mass they should get a sitter or stay home, ruining the mass for everyone else is not an option.

God Bless,

Iowa Mike

 

[TheDoctor]

We always brought our kids to Mass, from newborn to now. I can count on one hand the number of times we had to bring them to the Narthex (there was just too much going on in the crying room) yet I will never judge another parent who is trying to worship with their little ones.

Perhaps I have been lucky, but I can count on one hand the number of times a small one has been so disruptive that it has distracted me from Mass. It seems to be a matter of commons sense (on the part of the parents) and common courtesy (on everyone)

Whenever I am tempted to blame another for bothering me during Mass, I think of a picture I saw of Pope JP II deep in prayer at an outdoor Mass in the midst of 50,000 people. If he can stay focused on Jesus with all those distractions, maybe I can do better.

Now, if I could only do something about the disruptive BIG ones at Mass!

 

[HAnne]

Wow - some people are unbelievable.

What about a single Mom or a parent who has to take children to Mass alone for other reasons? Is she to take the disruptive child out and leave her other children to be alone during Mass???

What about parishes that don’t have a cry room available like all 3 of the parishes I attend?

What about children who are reaching or have just reached the age of reason with developmental disorders?

There are so many variables here!! How can I possibly adequately prepare my sensory processing disorder and dyspraxic child for his Sacraments this year if those in Mass can’t possibly tolerate that his ears hurt from an organ that’s too loud so he covers them. It’s not a matter of disrespect - it sincerely hurts his ears and gives him migraines.

A little tolerance from ALL goes a LONG way. We solved our problem with hearing and some minor wiggling by having him hang out in the choir loft with me. No one but the choir sees his “disruptive/rude behavior” and he can still learn and enjoy the Mass. Win, win, win. And the people in the choir think it’s charming that he so wants to be there and celebrate the Mass. Sunday is his favorite day of the week because of Mass - why would I want to take that away from him?

 

[faithfully]

I’ve found that some catholic are not very friendly to noncatholics trying to learn the customs.

You have been to an awful parish for this to occur. I’m wondering how anyone even identifies another as a non Catholic. I’ve actually never even considered that someone in the Church is not a Catholic. Although, that seems reasonable. With guests and such…

Wow - some people are unbelievable.

What about a single Mom or a parent who has to take children to Mass alone for other reasons? Is she to take the disruptive child out and leave her other children to be alone during Mass???

What about parishes that don’t have a cry room available like all 3 of the parishes I attend?

What about children who are reaching or have just reached the age of reason with developmental disorders?

There are so many variables here!! How can I possibly adequately prepare my sensory processing disorder and dyspraxic child for his Sacraments this year if those in Mass can’t possibly tolerate that his ears hurt from an organ that’s too loud so he covers them. It’s not a matter of disrespect - it sincerely hurts his ears and gives him migraines.

A little tolerance from ALL goes a LONG way. We solved our problem with hearing and some minor wiggling by having him hang out in the choir loft with me. No one but the choir sees his “disruptive/rude behavior” and he can still learn and enjoy the Mass. Win, win, win. And the people in the choir think it’s charming that he so wants to be there and celebrate the Mass. Sunday is his favorite day of the week because of Mass - why would I want to take that away from him?

At this juncture, I can only assume that anyone that people are discussing the children and parents that don’t have a single “problem”… Not sure how the heck anyone would KNOW this… But anyone that writes some of these posts, and applies them to everyone… well… I guess they’re right… They REALLY NEED to be in church more than a few others… BADLY!!!

 

[ConstantineTG]

Wow - some people are unbelievable.

What about a single Mom or a parent who has to take children to Mass alone for other reasons? Is she to take the disruptive child out and leave her other children to be alone during Mass???

What about parishes that don’t have a cry room available like all 3 of the parishes I attend?

What about children who are reaching or have just reached the age of reason with developmental disorders?

There are so many variables here!! How can I possibly adequately prepare my sensory processing disorder and dyspraxic child for his Sacraments this year if those in Mass can’t possibly tolerate that his ears hurt from an organ that’s too loud so he covers them. It’s not a matter of disrespect - it sincerely hurts his ears and gives him migraines.

A little tolerance from ALL goes a LONG way. We solved our problem with hearing and some minor wiggling by having him hang out in the choir loft with me. No one but the choir sees his “disruptive/rude behavior” and he can still learn and enjoy the Mass. Win, win, win. And the people in the choir think it’s charming that he so wants to be there and celebrate the Mass. Sunday is his favorite day of the week because of Mass - why would I want to take that away from him?

I agree Hanne. My current RC parish has no cry room. My former one has a cry room, but it has a large membership that the cryroom is full 15-minutes before Mass begins. Its always a standing-room-only parish with the amount of people coming in.

We can train ourselves as well. I’ve learned to tune out kids, and I have poor attention span I’ve suspected myself of having ADD. But kids during Mass cannot distract me. It wasn’t always that way, but I learned. Kids are kids. There are things that I personally hate about kids at Mass, like when they have toys. But thats not the kids’ fault that their parents let them play at Mass. But if they are just restless, its just kids being kids.

 

[At_Trent]

Babies crying at Mass and youngsters being youngsters at Mass is as Catholic as Holy Water. Get there early, sit in the front pew and get over it.