Divorcing

[mariam1976]

wow!! when i read all these posts for a moment, i thought that i was a narcissist… but i have been beating myself up for everything that i did wrong so obviously i am not!! as i would then be justifying everything and thinking that i am the perfect one!!!

---

When I realized that, it all made sense. Things like “You are doing that just to bother me.” are things I would never dream of doing, but that “bothering me” was in a sense like food and dirnk to him. But most of the years, I never suspected that.***

my husband did the same to me… he said once that " you are just being nice to me to manipulate me"…
i was trying to be nice to him to show him my love!!! isnt that what normal people do???
i now realise that he would be nice to me hoping to manipulate me and get things done from me… he was not doing it becos he loved me and thats the reason why it was so easy for him to move away from me and from our marriage…

 

[Eliza10]

… He walked away one night and cut me out of his life…

Its hard to fathom, but Naricissists can walk away and never look behind for a minute. They just begin a new life when the old one isn’t benefiting them enough. For them its exhilirating to construct a new story of themselves and create a new life around it, and have an entire fresh new batch of Narcisist Supply. Sources that don’t know enough to question if they are misrepresenting themselves.

They won’t miss you. They were never attached, because they can’t really attach to anything.

Also there are two kinds when it comes to their stuff. The majority are the kind that can leave it all behind and astonishingly they don’t care, never miss it. A small minority are the kind that will battle you for every last thing.

Its hard that they aren’t sad and sentimental when you are. But what I grieve is my dream of what I thought I had, that which was not a reality. Something that was mostly hidden inside the person who actually presented himself, just a shadow of what he had pretended he was in order to get me. Its the death of hope, which I had for so long. God knows, as I long hoped in Him for a miracle. And He has comforted me.
chandler550369;1859970:

… I will remember each of you in my prayers this evening. Please do the same for me.

God blesss

Thank you. I will pray for you, Chandler, and Dulissima, and Mariam, Cecelia, Shirley, Nordar, Ray, Jules, Kelly, Robyanne, and Alaannie and especially our OP Saveme, and hopefuly i didn’t forget anyone.

 

[Eliza10]

wow!! when i read all these posts for a moment, i thought that i was a narcissist… but i have been beating myself up for everything that i did wrong so obviously i am not!! as i would then be justifying everything and thinking that i am the perfect one!!!

True! No, you are just one who lived with one, and probably was accused of being all the things that Narcissists in fact are and do.

…my husband did the same to me… he said once that " you are just being nice to me to manipulate me"…
i was trying to be nice to him to show him my love!!! .

I think I heard the same thing! It was always so baffling to me. It was so nice to have an answer to the mystery when the light of understanding came.

isnt that what normal people do???

Trouble is, he wasn’t normal. Narcissists aren’t. Only extremely seemingly normal. Naricissts like to say others aren’t normal becasue they know inside they are not. Mine used to tell me, over some inane thing, “Normal people don’t do that!” it was such an odd thing, something it would never occur to me to say to anyone.

i now realise that he would be nice to me hoping to manipulate me and get things done from me… he was not doing it because he loved me and thats the reason why it was so easy for him to move away from me and from our marriage…

No, its likely true he didn’t love you because I understand they can’t. Its shocking to realize this truth but it is nice to have reality match your actual experience. It probably was a stretch of faith and hope to feel loved.

 

[shirleytowers]

Eliza,
That is a touching story. You have my utmost sympathy. And, yeah, tho my parents are still married, they are miserable together about 95% of the time.

In my case, my mother is borderline / narcissistic? bipolar? and my ex is biploar, maybe borderline. My father is henpecked/split by my mom, and depressed. He should have stood up for us, but didn’t. Both parents were physically abusive. mother worse. I was trained to tolerate abuse, did not know it wasn’t normal, and took many years to get to where I understood what I was living with.

After my divorce, I finally had that eye-opening experience when a sister told me to Google borderline. We all saw our mother to a T. And when my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar, I learned about that and saw her father in there, too, and his father, and his great grandfather . . . . In fact an old old picture of his great-grandfather looks EXACTLY like him --and he was famous for beating his slaves. Nice.

Regarding the demon thing, passed down, I have wondered about that. The laying on of hands (smack!) in a bad way…

 

[rkberlin]

Hi Mariam,
I have been having this problem too now, after months of having received so much consolation and peace from praying the rosary almost daily. What I do now, when I want so much to pray the rosary but can’t, is that I pray the memorare:

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that
never was it known that anyone who fled to
your protection, implored your help, or sought
your intercession, was left unaided. Inspired by
this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgins of Virgins,
my Mother. To you I come, before you I stand,
sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate,
despise not my petitions, but in your mercy,
hear and answer me. Amen.

May our Blessed Mother and her divine Son continue to bless and strengthen you. You can be confident of her prayers. Mary

hi,
I say that prayer every night, still holding on to the hope that my husband will change and come back to us. eep down, though, I know he won’t- ever! I just went to a diocesan run program on how to help your kids when you get sparated or divorced. It wasn’t very enlightening, and I missed a spiritual side to everything. I might as well have just gone to a secular meeting.
I don#t think we never can accept the fact that our marriage is over, especially if we’re the ones who’re being left for whatever reason. Hang in the Mariam, I’m still praying for you. Don’t give up! Prayers don’t work overnight (or in 7 months), God knows when it’s time for you to heal and notice a change. Probably not helping you much now, but it should eventually get better ( I hope and pray for that every day)
God bless
rk

 

[jules11]

That’s funny, because I have kind of questioned myself about this too. How do I know that I am not the one with the altered sense of reality? How do I know that I am not projecting myself on him? Luckily I’ve been going to weekly counseling for over 6 months now, so I have someone to go to for some perspective. I think if you are willing to question this, it is probably a pretty good sign that you are not a narcissist ( I looked up the spelling )

Actually, I’ve done the really hard thing that narcissists can’t bear to do, and that is to face some of my deepest problems and flaws. The great thing about divorce is that it does bring all of your problems to the surface, often larger than life. I’ve been finding that I have had to go back and address a lot of problems that I have had with my mom and my stepfather, to actually talk to them when I have a problem with what they are doing or saying, and explain to them how I feel. They are also having to deal with problems from their own childhoods and marriage as a result, so we all seem to be on this journey together and actually are making amazing progress. My counselor tells me that a narcissist can’t do this, that to face that reality for them would be death of self because they have worked so hard to create this alternate view of themselves as being truly exceptional human beings. They would rather tirelessly reconstruct reality than face the death of their view of themselves. I see that now, and it is really pretty sad.

dulcissima, I have often thought that too. Thanks to my last thread about whether I should give up on my marriage or not, shirleytowers offered some advice about Borderline Personality Disorder, and it fit him perfectly. So after 6 years of wondering, I finally can put my finger on the problem. They say you shouldn’t self diagnose but he fits most of the criteria and like the Narcissist, there seems to be little hope of recovery or leading a normal life with one. I too have wondered whether it’s me that has the problems. I’m a bit scared as in the past I have done and said some stupid things but it was almost to try to make him wake up. I would do the kind of things that he would do to me to see if he would understand how destructive they were, but it backfired on me everytime. You cannot win with a BPD. If you’re kind and gentle, they will get angry, if you get angry, they will say, ‘see, its all you. you are crazy’
But I still do wonder about myself. I have never behaved in the ways i did ever before and I wish I could say I was more holy and charitable, but I wasn’t on times. Other times, I would try to do everything right and I still got abused.
But I have apologised everytime when I have behaved badly. He just excuses his behaviour everytime, saying, I provoked him.
I know that no matter what anyone does to you, it gives us no right to behave badly back. We are all responsible for our own behaviour.
It is so sad that there are so many people out there that are mentally ill and are married. They leave such destruction in their paths. I have been on a forum for people in or recovering from relationships with a BPD. The pain and agony in this forum is in every post. People are confused as to why they find it so hard to let go, they are in pain, being pushed away and pulled back like a yo yo. So much heartache, so many lies. That is what I am coming to terms with, like dulcissima, he sold himself as a devoted and loving man and father and I was sucked in. You would think after my first nightmare of a marriage, I would have been a bit more cautious, but no. I loved him and he had such a ‘terrible life and childhood’ that I felt I would be the one to make a difference. How wrong and how naiive I was. Silly me. Now I have to rebuild my life for the second time, all the while keeping all the pain and disappointment inside so my children and my dying mother won’t worry too much.

 

[chandler550369]

I will try very hard to stick to prayer requests only but perhaps you can direct me to a thread that discusses the specifics of marital troubles. This discussion on narcicissm has been very beneficial for me. it is also healing to read from other Catholics who are suffering with me for some reason. I felt very alone in this. Yesterday after Mass I was standing in a reception room with two couples who are so devout in their faith and so devoted to each other and I felt like a sore thumb. I need to know that there are others who are like me in our brokenness. Yes, I am broken and I know I did not do all that I could to keep the marriage alive. That is what bothers me the most, I think. I often wonder if the marriage would have failed if I had done everything in love. In fact, I was angry towards the end. My husband had been diagnosed as bipolar and I noticed something wrong very soon after we married.

I will keep everyone on my prayer list from this thread. It is a lonely road.

Cynthia

 

[mariam1976]

chandler… you can start a new thread or you can PM me if you want and I will respond … i know what it feels like as i have been there myself…

 

[Ray_Scheel]

Perhaps fear, too, was driving your wife, and that is easier to forgive.

Yes, it was. Despite a surface level declaration of wanting things to be different for her future than her childhood troubles, she was doing her best to recreate it. It was only in the last year-ish before she left that the amount of interventin from outside the family required as the delusional side of her disorder fully manifested itself that she could not longer convincingly deny what she was doing when challened in joint counseling, which only amplified her desperation.

Our counselors got two completely different stories, but they never assumed that it was because one was making things up. They assumed we both manipulated our stories to make ourselves look good.

I certainly experienced this several times as we tried differnt joint counselors in attempts to reduce the conflict.

With the joint counselors we tried, there was always a similar pattern in how our sessions went. At first they believed my ex’s sob storie about working through her past and wanted me to give her more time, then they started pushing both of us to change certain behaviors. However, as soon as they started to come around to realizing that I really was following thier suggestions and noticed my ex wasn’t even making the token changes they’d advised, then got presented with proof of some of the crazymaking that she could not deny and was ordered to stop on top of that, my ex would declare that we needed “better help” from someone else - in particular, someone from the same practice as her quack, and would then refuse further counseling from that person (and would often call in her quack to back her up saying she wasn’t ready for doing any more joint work at all for a while if I didn’t agree to see one of her therapist’s cronies).

My ex’s longtime therapist (6 years and counting) either didn’t notice (I think she just didn’t care) that my ex couldn’t tell the same story twice to save her life, but I think her practice is weighted towards long time patients on state insurance and is just taking the money to book the hours (and she may have even helped my ex plan out the outrageous actions she took when she finally left). I am still weighing whether to file a complaint with the state ethics board about her.

They would rather tirelessly reconstruct reality than face the death of their view of themselves. I see that now, and it is really pretty sad.

I can give a big AMEN to that… However, sometimes I am inclined to think that “narssicist” and/or borderline are catch all terms for the coping or distracting behaviors used by the “functional” mentally ill that should have a primary diagnosis on the spectrum of delusional and schzoid disorders. I do find in very interesting that the narssicistic attitude is a common denominator in our descriptions of the spouse who would not (truly) work on saving the marraige…

my husband did the same to me… he said once that " you are just being nice to me to manipulate me"…

This sounds really familiar too, in fact, I got told that frequently, with rather bizarre punishments levied as punishment for “making” her think I might be manipulating her by being nice (e.g. if I bought her flowers I would not be allowed to touch her even casually for a week, saying she had to “teach me not to expect anything”). Conversely, she is still all syrup when she needs something from me, and I have learned to jump back as soon as she gets it because she’s going to take a (figurative, usually) swing at me to re-assert herself.

The thing that aggrivates me most about all of what I went through is knowing that when/if I am in a relationship in the future, I am going to have train my mental defenses to not immediately go into high alert when my partner is being nice as I still have to do now with my ex; as well as having to undo the reluctance I’ve learned to being nice just because I want to.

For those of you in the process of preparing a nullity petition, I strongly recommend reviewing the information at marysadvocates.org/annulment/annulment.html The site itself is dedicated to opposing inappropriate use of “no-fault” divorce laws and seeks to try to help innocent parties who’s ex is seeking a nullity decision based on spurious reasons, but compliments the needs of those wishing to ensure they are pursion nullity for legitimate reasons.

 

[Eliza10]

Eliza,
That is a touching story. You have my utmost sympathy. …

Thank you, Shirley. I appreciate the sympathy! I also realize how much grief there is in the world that I would never trade mine for. Today I heard of a missionary couple in Kenya, whose 4 grandchildren came to visit, and all 6 got shot. Those parents. Its not even comprehensible. There are so many losses and griefs greater than mine.

And, yeah, tho my parents are still married, they are miserable together about 95% of the time. …

Oh, my. But understandable. Miserable, but safe and familiar.

In my case, my mother is borderline / narcissistic? bipolar? and my ex is biploar, maybe borderline…

I understand that frequently (not always) narcissim piggybacks on other disorders. So it would not be unusual to be both borderline/bipolar (those are connected somehow) as well as Narcissistic. My ex was a purest - Narcissist only. But what you had to live with! Wow!

Have you ever observed a normal family or couple, experiencing normal problems? Its really something, isn’t it? You just look and think, thats so neat! What a contrast to dealing with everyday life with people living in alternate realities.

Shirley, I just happened to read something today that seems just meant for you! I was reading online earlier today, at this huge website I have had bookmarked sometime but have not had time to read. Its about the Poem of The Man-God, as these books have been my joy and delight, a light in this period of darkenss.

I had decided I would do some reading about them (because I ususally can’t get away from just reading them!), to begin to get knowledgable on the plethera that is said about them, as there is controversy around them. [Cardinal Radzinger in 1993 as well as and other Bishops, Priests, theologicans have said there is nothing against faith and morals in them. But the books were placed on a forbidden book list in 1959 (which was scrapped in 1965) and controversy remains, as you can read on a long heated debate thread on Poem here on CA forum.]

But for myself, I am convinced at least that God wants me reading them now.

You can take or leave it that the message is from Jesus himself. In the following link, Maria Valtorta (Poem author) had a metally ill mother, and it was a cross, and Jesus talks to her about having such an extremely difficult mother.

I am only sharing it because it is such a coincidence that I read this today (I only spent about thirty minutes skimming the extensive site) and here it is you mentioning the same thing that touched my heart to read today. So, maybe its a “God-incidence”. Maybe I read it for you. I think it will encourage you, to read about someone else in the same shoes, and also with it, some deep, yet simple theological discussion about being in this position:

bardstown.com/~brchrys/IsideF.htm

[continued on next post]

 

[Eliza10]

My father is henpecked/split by my mom, and depressed. He should have stood up for us, but didn’t. Both parents were physically abusive. mother worse. I was trained to tolerate abuse, did not know it wasn’t normal, and took many years to get to where I understood what I was living with.’…

You will certainly see parallels with Valtorta’s personal family experience.

What a cross, to live with that! But God makes all things beautiful. Did you see the Passion, where Jesus, bloody, sweaty, carrying his cross, greets his mother, and says: “See, Mother, I make all things beautiful.” The cross that you have been given is also one that Jesus can make beautiful. Especially beautiful. Because its especially awful.

After my divorce, I finally had that eye-opening experience when a sister told me to Google borderline. We all saw our mother to a T. And when my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar, I learned about that and saw her father in there, too, and his father, and his great grandfather . . . . In fact an old old picture of his great-grandfather looks EXACTLY like him --and he was famous for beating his slaves. Nice…

It is so eye-opening, I know. Because they are living in alternative realities. You tried all those years to understand the unreal from your own (real) reality. And you can’t make any sense of it. That is, until you understand that a soul-disease filters the way they see the world.

There is another really good book, that might help you with futher understanding the generational sin thing, and your daughter, and may even give you hope for your daughter. Its actually two books by John and Paula Sanford - Healing the Wounded Spirit and Transformation of the Inner Man. It was these books, read years ago, that teh Lord brought to mind and I found counselors who had been trained by them that wee reasonably close to me and wernt there this summer for healing ministry.

Regarding the demon thing, passed down, I have wondered about that. The laying on of hands (smack!) in a bad way…

No, the devil doesn’t lay hands! He just invades, where there is an opening. But he flees in the name of Jesus!

 

[Eliza10]

…My ex’s longtime therapist (6 years and counting) either didn’t notice (I think she just didn’t care…I think her practice is weighted towards long time patients on state insurance and is just taking the money to book the hours … I am still weighing whether to file a complaint with the state ethics board about her.)…

I think this problem is rampent with counselors. There is just very very little accountablity in the whole field. They prey on desparate, hurting people. They give bad advise because they don’t know/don’t care, and leave a wake of pain, and there is no one to hold them to it. Registering a complaint is a great idea if you cna make the time for it.

There are good counselors out there because many peole who go into this really care. But unfortunately, troubled people go into it, as well, or people who just want to rake in a living.

…I can give a big AMEN to that… However, sometimes I am inclined to think that “narssicist” and/or borderline are catch all terms for the coping or distracting behaviors used by the “functional” mentally ill that should have a primary diagnosis on the spectrum of delusional and schzoid disorders. …

Yes, I agree. Narcisism though really is a fullblown personality disorder, along the lines of Borderline, schizoid. Thats what I lived with my ex. Its slippery, because they are the most seemingly normal! Except to their spouses, who live in confusion and worse. It is true that one can have an inbalance of too many Narcissist behaviors but not thave the disorder. Also, I undersatnd we all need a bit of narcissism to get along in soiciety. So it is both on a continuium of normal, and a full-blown disorder.

Your wife does sound disordered somehow. It is a very hard thing to live with a diordered person who turns on you. Especially when you have goodwill, and want to make it work somehow.

…The thing that aggrivates me most about all of what I went through is knowing that when/if I am in a relationship in the future, I am going to have train my mental defenses to not immediately go into high alert when my partner is being nice as I still have to do now with my ex; as well as having to undo the reluctance I’ve learned to being nice just because I want to…

I have similar such concerns. The mistrust. I’ll catch myself thinking, of friends’ husbands: “He seems nice, but I bet he’s really cruel when noone’s looking.” I am getting better about not doing that, I think. Because I do know several men who are good husbands, including my brothers!

I have had worries how my twenty years of disfunction might affect a future relationship. But I will cross that when I come to it. Just like I am handling today. One day at a time.

…For those of you in the process of preparing a nullity petition, I strongly recommend reviewing the information at marysadvocates.org/annulment/annulment.html The site itself is dedicated to opposing inappropriate use of “no-fault” divorce laws and seeks to try to help innocent parties who’s ex is seeking a nullity decision based on spurious reasons, but compliments the needs of those wishing to ensure they are pursion nullity for legitimate reasons.

Thanks! I’ll bookmark this!

 

[cecilia97]

Thanks Ray, for the link. I’ve already mailed in my papers so they’re in God’s hands now. But I did a little reading about narcissism today and remembered an episode that disturbed me. I sort of wish I had mentioned it in my paperwork but oh well. I hope no one minds if I type it out here just to get my thoughts about it on paper.

My ex was totally missing the empathy muscle, apparently.

We had neighbors with a teenage son. We would sleep with the windows open in the summer a lot. So one morning, I hear this AWFUL shrieking…I jumped out of bed thinking I was hearing someone who had just cut off a hand with an electric saw, or an animal being tortured.

I went to the front of the house where the sound was coming from. My ex by this time was sleeping in another room up there. Turned out the shrieking was the mother who lived across the street, who had found her son dead in his room. She was on the front lawn breaking down.

My husband was sitting next to the open window giggling and peeking at the “show”. I was totally disgusted. I thought “what is WRONG with him???”.

Things like this always made me wonder if he’d had a “break” of some sort, mentally. I thought the guy I’d married was not capable of that. So either he really changed or he really fooled me, and everyone else.

I know I really need to stop talking about all the things I think he did wrong in order to fully forgive him. But it’s going to take me a while to get to that point.

 

[Eliza10]

…
My ex was totally missing the empathy muscle, apparently…

We had neighbors with a teenage son… one morning, I hear this AWFUL shrieking…Turned out the shrieking was the mother who lived across the street, who had found her son dead in his room. She was on the front lawn breaking down…

My husband was sitting next to the open window giggling and peeking at the “show”. I was totally disgusted. .

Shocking.

… I thought “what is WRONG with him???”… .

Now you know.

… I thought the guy I’d married was not capable of that… .

Yes, I had the same thoughts - he would do/say shocking things, or I found out things he had done when younger, and they made no sense. I had never thought him capable of such things when I met him.

Probably your blanked this out in your mind because it was so eerie. Other behaviors that offend or don’t make sense you can make excuses for. This one is too frightening - although it must help to know its completely normal for a Narcissist. Its one of the marks. The don’t have empathy. At all. Although, they can put on an extremely convincing performance of it if it will get them something. Because they study people, what reactions they have and how to get reactions out of them, and they know exactly what empathy looks like, so they can play it. They just don’t feel it.

Since a narcissists studies human behavior, and does not feel it, I can see how the neighbors actions were a rare treat of a show for him.

How shocking it is to look back on your life with them and realize they were only pretending. You were there, they weren’t.

You want to get angry, to despise someone so fake. But it is truly pitiful to not be able to feel. To only act life. And to be terrified at looking at the abyss inside you.

I also over the years blanked out so many things, because things were disturbing, things didn’t make sense, or my ex claimed they never happened. Very confusing. But as I learned about narcissism, they started flooding back, all the things I had pushed down, not wanting to see again. Only now, for the first time, they made sense.

I think to truly forgive, they have to be remembered. If they weren’t acknowledged as an offense before, they weren’t forgiven. Once you see the offense, and see how it hurt you, then you can choose to forgive. Then forgetting really comes. It really has worked this way for me.

When you are dredging up all the bad stuff that happened, it is hard. But its the truth. Its seeing things as they really are/were - when you didn’t see it before. And the truth sets you free. The feelings you get during it are your feelings. And feelings are okay, even when they are “bad”, negative feelings. What matters is that your *acts *are ones of charity, even when you don’t feel it.

I have found that with everything dredged up or remembered, there is anger, shock, sadness, grief (as I remember the pain I felt. Also as I realize that in contrast, life was going on normally for most of the world around me). Then comes forgiveness. And understanding narcissism truly helps with forgiveness. How pitiful it is to be him, how terribly hard it would be for him to be anything other than what he is, due ot the nature of the disorder. He is so trapped. So I pity. I always find that after remembering, being angry/hurt/grieved aobut it, and then forgiving, I really do forget it. It never comes up with the same pain again.

 

[Robaynne]

Now that I sit back on my life and think of all the pain and suffering that I went through I wonder to myself why did I stay so long and tolerate the physical and emotional abuse etc. I should be releaved instead of feeling like my whole world has come apart at the seams. He is fine he is moving on with his life and enjoying life. And here am I worrying about been alone not having somebody to love me etc. But he never loved me for me he wanted me to be somebody else. I landed up in hospital 5 times over the years for depression and once for attempted suicide. And how he used to tell me that I have mental problems but he was the cause of all my pain and suffering and today. He can say that I am devious and deceitful.

And I am wondering to myself is my ex not a Narcasist.

He did not want me to have friends. He had a issue about my weight but when he married my I was like this. He would look through my phone and even hide it away from me. He would complain to his family that how was it possible that somebody can have so many people on their maling list, that everybody on the bus knows me. That I am to friendly with people. He did not want me to go anywhere he was happy that after work on a friday I would go in the house and came back out on a monday morning going to work.

There is this lady who was the Physiotherapist at the hospital that I was admitted to for depression and she sends emails out once a week but this one had such an impact on me and opened my eyes to so much. And also made me think.

COLOR=“Red”]OK, let’s carry on with the 10 rules of life.
For those of you who are new to the list, last year we started looking at 10 rules that will give you a new perspective on how to cope with life (and it’s challenges).
If you have missed any rules, and would like to receive them, let me know.
Today we are looking at Rule number 6:
There is not better than here

Most people look at this rule and say what???
In theory it is quite simple - there is no better place (or situation or time or circumstance) for you to be than where you are now. What??? But I don’t like where I am at the moment.That is why this rule is so difficult to follow practically.
You may not be happy with your life as it is right now BUT you are not going to be happier by running away from it.
This is one of the most common mistakes that people make - instead of facing their problems, dealing with them, learning from them, they would rather run from them.
Here’s an example - you are not happy in your relationship and instead of learning what is wrong and confronting problems, you rather leave the relationship.
So, what’s going to happen when you find another person to love? All the emotional baggage from the previous relationship is coming with you into the new relationship because you never dealt with it in the first place.
Somebody asked me for my opinion on why their relationships always fail - and the answer was quite simple once we looked at their history. That person had a terrible marriage to someone that they probably should never have married in the first place. They got divorced and then ran straight into the arms of another needy, desperate person without taking the time to realise why things went wrong. And when that went wrong, left and straight into the arms of another needy person.
Until they started to work on their own self esteem, and forgot about running from one relationship to another, they will never find happiness in a relationship.
The same concept applies to people who can’t settle down in a job or can’t deal with loss.
Please don’t think that this rule means that you need to stay in an abusive relationship. If you feel that your life is at risk, get out but don’t go straight into another relationship.
How do people run from their problems?
Through alcohol, drugs, sleeping tablets, avoidance, suicidal thoughts and attempts (obviously not successful if you are reading this mail). Another way you can apply this rule is to be careful how you judge other people. You may look at someone and think “if I drove that car, lived in that house, had that job, was married to that person, wore those clothes…, then I would be happy”
Don’t! You don’t know what that person is going through.
I know that I often make that mistake when I can barely find my small car at my kid’s school because of all the Chrysler Voyagers and 4x4’s parked around it and I wish that I also had a huge car. But, I don’t have the stress about where I am going to find R4000+ a month to pay off that car.
You need to find happiness in being you, and until you do - don’t run and don’t hide. I often get asked how you are meant to love yourself - I say, start by liking yourself!
On another level, we often avoid expressing our emotions - that is running too.This week, try to tell someone what you truly feel about them - whether it is love, anger or even passion. You may be surprised at the outcome!

 

[Ray_Scheel]

cecilia97:

I know I really need to stop talking about all the things I think he did wrong in order to fully forgive him. But it’s going to take me a while to get to that point.

When I know the offending party has no interest in forgivenenss it can take me mulling over each offense several times (more if dealing with a general category) before I can set it aside. I am hoping that one day I can let it all go too. I can tell I am getting closer, though most of that progress is in learning how to insulate myself from dealing with my ex beuyond the bare minimum to manage visitation.

Permanently forgiving while my ex is still trying to rewrite history within “earshot” is really hard for me. Each time she does she not only commits a new offense but declares that she’s again rejecting the forgeness already offered, so I mentally have to offer it again unitl its an automatic response (or I just quit caring that she’s still trying to “spin” everything she did). Perhaps when the nullity decision comes back she’ll finally realize there isn’t anyone left who hasn’t already made thier mind up.

 

[whatevergirl]

Almost 4 months ago my husband came home from work and told me he wanted to separate from me, I was in shock and so was the rest of the world who knew us. We were the perfect match…the coolest couple…Not so cool anymore.

In all these 4 months since i’ve been alone I can’t say I haven’t had time to think and realize that I needed this time to remember how to be me and know that I won’t die without a husband.

He complained of me being his shadow and being dependent on him. I just got a full time job and passed by realestate license. I think 07 is treating me pretty good.

In all aspects of this divorce I’ve tried to remain sane. I keep telling myself that god has a way better plan for me. My husband never believed in me, he wanted to change me and controll me…he still does…eventhough he left.

But if anyone is recently going through the same…please realize that in the end we truly due learn and we must fall to pick ourselves up again. And god truly is watching over our every move…he has a better plan…its God’s Plan.

I’m terribly sorry for your pain…your post really touched me. I pray that God will give you strength during this diffcult, but perhaps, enlightening time. It’s very telling how he controlled you, but then claimed that you were ‘his shadow.’

I pray for a more positive 2007

 

[shirleytowers]

I didn’t realize there were so many people who had married mentally ill people. It is nice to know you are not alone! We have gone through similar experiences.

They are living in alternate realities. You can’t help them, heal them, change them. All you can do is pray for them. It will drive you crazy and make you sick. You just have to get away before their illness literally kills you.

Eliza, Thank you for your links and thoughts. I think that is a good take on the parental situation, and I appreciate it.

 

[Robaynne]

Every Wednesday night I go for prayer. Anyway yesterday was a very bad idea as my soon to be ex does not want to sign the settlement agreement.

I think that he is really been selfish and spiteful as he agreed to sign the documentation. The part that makes me so angry is that he wants the divorce but I am the one who is defending because he want me to sell the house (Which I have paid for every since we bought it) and give him half forgetting where the kids are going to stay.

Anyway the prayer meeting continued. During the meeting this one lady told me that I need to read Isaiah 54 which I did and he spoke to me and ladies who are going through pain and suffering right now. Go and read Isaiah 54

But most of all she said to me if I want to be released from this bondage that I have for my soon to be ex. I need to forgive him and the teenager. I need to pray for them and bless them. I need to make peace with myself and with God. I need to stop beating myself up about what has happened. I need to have FAITH in GOD and believe in him. Stop trusting in friends and confiding in friends trust in God believe in him and things will work out. I thought is this women crazy how can she tell me to pray for this man and bless him and his mistress. But she is right I need to release myself from him. Whatever happens it will happen. There is a reason for everything. And there is a reason why we are not together today. If we were still together I would not have found God again. I would be still living a abusive life thinking that is the norm. That is is exceptable and that no matter how badly my husband treats me that I should forgive him and take him back and try and try. Until he completely destroyed me or worse I ended up in a coffin.

I am not perfect and neither is he we all have our faults but when a person sets out to destroy you totally and completely mentally and physically you need to draw the line somewhere. Is it fair for the kids to have to suffer for them to watch their mother in a state or been beaten to a pulp and the next day everything is back to normal except the blue eyes and bruised body.Or for a husband to lie, cheat, deceive his wife and jump from one womens bed to another not thinking that he can infect and kill his wife who is sitting at home not knowing what her husband is doing outside.

But at the end of the day when things do not work out nobody is to blame. And that is what I am realising is that for to long I have played the victim. Lived off the bad things that my husband did to me except getting over it and moving on. There is no use reliving the fact that he cheated on me, left me for a teenager, they have a child together, they live together, that he beat me up so many time ect. It happened it is the past it cannot be undown so why relive it. It is just not worth the energy and strength when that can be used for useful things.

We get so caught up worrying about our problems and how lonely we are and how our husbands left us or they are cheating or they are watching porn or they are not doing ABC and the same goes for men who feel their wives are not thin enough or not doing enough. Forgetting that there is a world out there with people who have worse off problems than we ever will have. That at least we have a job, roof over our heads and food on the table. What about those who do not even have that. I cried thinking that here am I worrying about unimportant things when people near me or next to me are suffering so badly. But they still have faith in God and believe that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Here is women in our prayer group that I see every Wednesday and she does not look as unhappy as I do. But she is looking after 10 children who are not even her family or related to her in anyway. She is not working her son works but every night with out fail they go to bed on a full stomach she does not know how they do it but they do. She does not have a husband and she is also not a young women and she is also sickly and she is alone but she has such faith and belief and she is so supportive and understanding to everybody forgetting herself. They came to cut off her electricity the other day but the man did not have the heart to do it but instead went out and bought a bit of food.

So what we should stop doing is living in misery instead wake up every morning and thank God that we are alive. Thank God that we have the things that we have. Thank God for everything and anything. And seek him first before we seek things of the flesh. So me worrying about the house it is just materialistic things, worrying that he does not phone or come and see the kids (It is his loss because he is missing out on the best years of his kids life). At least I have more than he ever will and I need to let go and let God in and let him be my everything.

 

[Robaynne]

This daily motivation from Joyce Meyer just confirms everything that I have just said. It is so amazing how God works.

How to Be Content

Thursday 2/1/2007

…I have learned how to be content (satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or disquieted) in whatever state I am.
—Philippians 4:11

The Bible teaches us to be content no matter what our circumstances may be. (Hebrews 13:5 KJV)

We are not to be upset about anything, no matter what is happening. Instead we are to pray about it, and tell God our need. While we are waiting for Him to move, we are to be thankful for all that God has done for us already. (Philippians 4:6.)

I have discovered that the secret of being content is to ask God for what I want, and know that if it is right He will bring it to pass at the right time, and if it is not right, He will do something much better than what I asked for.

We must learn to trust God completely if we ever intend to enjoy peaceful living. We must meditate on what God has done in our life instead of what we are still waiting on Him to do.

God loves you. He is a good God Who only does good things. Be content knowing that His way is perfect, and He brings with Him a great recompense of reward for those who trust in Him. (Hebrews 10:35 KJV)

Trust God. Hide yourself in the secret place (in Him).

Pray This:

“Lord, I choose to trust You completely. Whatever the situation, I make the decision to be peaceful and content. In Jesus’ name, amen.”