Emotional Attraction

[puzzleannie]

Diagnose and address the problems in your marriage and your relationship with your husband, with professional help if necessary. Make loving and caring for your husband a priority. Get your prayer life and sacramental life in order. Stop fantasizing about this other guy, which is what you are doing by discussing it with total strangers.

 

[goravens]

You must get ahold of a copy of “Every Woman’s Battle” by Shannon Etheridge. It’s excellent - speaks very much to the battle you’re facing right now and discusses how emotional attraction is a temptation for women just as physical attraction is more so for men. This book is extremely practical and will really speak to you in this situation.

 

[Scout]

otm:

Let me put it to you in plain English. The first step towards a divorce is developing an emotional attraction. I am not talking about an occasional head turner “wow”. I am talking about when you started dwelling on it; probably about the second day there was a twinge.

How many days (weeks? months?) ago was that? Honestly?

The second step was when you honestly admitted to yourself that this was something special (or juicy, or hot, or whatever you want to put in here). That was when you had more than just a feeling, and started to dwell on it, away from the office.

How long ago was that?

OK, now lets get really honest here. You like this. Of course you do; he is attractive. You could be around him 24 hours a day. Whcih means, you have thought a lot about this. That is step three down the road to divorce.

How many steps do you have left? Frankly, I really don’t want to know; but you need to know, because it is the path you are walking on.

Let’s get real, for a minute. There are no obligations to the church such that you have to stay in this position. You are choosing to stay. Whoever he is, one of the two of you either has to have an iron will, or you are on a short road to disaster. Get another job, if you really value your marriage. Quit singing the song of no other choices; you most certainly do have other choices. Right now, you are choosing to stay in a situation that is majorly tempting, that is emotionally satisfying in its own cramped way, and you use the excuse that you have obligations. Your first obligation is to your husband; your second obligation is to this guy (an obligation to not tempt him into adultery); your third obligation is to his spouse, if he has one, and if you have kids, the second obligation is to them, rather than this hotty you have (he then comes in third).

Get a clue. You like being there. You don’t want to change. He’s a hotty. You like this warm, emotional feeling you get being around him. You want to resolve the problem? Get a different job and get out of this temptation. The only thing that is keeping you in this situation is your own choice to continue. I’ll guarantee that church won’t fall apart at the seams if you leave. Your “obligations” are being used as an excuse to feed your emotions.

And after you leave, you might want to get some counseling marital type, as you are in need of getting your head on straight. It isn’t on stright now.

First of all, I’m not on any road to divorce. Divorce is never an option for me or for my husband, so let’s just skip that.

Second, Yes-I like being around him. That’s the problem. However, if I didn’t want to change I wouldn’t have posted this issue.

Third, my head is on straight. If it weren’t, I wouldn’t have recognized the problem in the first place. So, you can skip diagnosing me.

Fourth, this is an emotional attraction. I am not physically attracted to this person. And there is absolutely no way anything would ever happen between us. This I can positively guarantee, as sure as I am that the sky is blue-and since I never, ever, ever leave myself alone with another man.

Is this situation a problem? Yes. Are there things my husband and I need to work on in our marriage? Yes, but I have yet to find a marriage that is perfect and doesn’t have issues to work on. However, I posted this issue because I was hoping to find some people with similar circumstances that could give me some advice and some compassion. I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t think you did either one. What you wrote hurt my feelings because you assumed the worst in me, and I’d rather you not did that.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[Scout]

goravens:

You must get ahold of a copy of “Every Woman’s Battle” by Shannon Etheridge. It’s excellent - speaks very much to the battle you’re facing right now and discusses how emotional attraction is a temptation for women just as physical attraction is more so for men. This book is extremely practical and will really speak to you in this situation.

Thanks for the book suggestion. I’ll look for it this weekend. It must be from God, because you’re the second or third person to suggest it to me.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[Annunciata]

Scout:

…
… I posted this issue because I was hoping to find some people with similar circumstances that could give me some advice and some compassion. I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t think you did either one. What you wrote hurt my feelings because you assumed the worst in me, and I’d rather you not did that.

Scout :tiphat:

I don’t think anyone was trying to hurt your feelings and I’m sorry that you were hurt…just giving you some good advice…as I said in my previous post…but for the Grace of God go I…So I’m in a place where I can say don’t go there…get out of the situation now before it does turn into something more.
God Bless You,
Annunciata

 

[La_Chiara]

Scout–Tough love tends to hurt. But when your feelings get hurt, you should consider why. Sometimes the truth hurts. God bless.

 

[Scout]

I did consider why…because he assumed the worst of me. And you know what they say about assumptions…

Scout :tiphat:

 

[La_Chiara]

Scout–Consider the possibility that the only thing otm assumed is that you are a normal, human being who has normal human emotions. Perhaps, you don’t choose to see yourself in that way. Perhaps what otm said hits too close to home. But when you post on a public forum, you may not always hear what you want to hear. If you don’t want to hear the answer, don’t ask the question.

 

[Scout]

puzzleannie:

Diagnose and address the problems in your marriage and your relationship with your husband, with professional help if necessary. Make loving and caring for your husband a priority. Get your prayer life and sacramental life in order. Stop fantasizing about this other guy, which is what you are doing by discussing it with total strangers.

I’m not fantasizing about this other guy. I am just looking for some advice on a situation that most women have struggled with at one time or another, and I am in that time right now.

And if we can’t discuss issues that are important to us, then we might as well close down the forum. Part of the benefit of this forum is the ability to talk about issues that are important to us, while keeping some anonymity.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[Scout]

La Chiara:

Scout–Consider the possibility that the only thing otm assumed is that you are a normal, human being who has normal human emotions. Perhaps, you don’t choose to see yourself in that way. Perhaps what otm said hits too close to home. But when you post on a public forum, you may not always hear what you want to hear. If you don’t want to hear the answer, don’t ask the question.

Actually, I see myself as very human, which is why I posted this thread. If I thought I was the only woman who ever struggled with this issue, there would’ve been no point in seeking advice because no one would’ve been able to give me any.

Just because I post a question doesn’t mean I have to agree with every response given. Yes, he has the right to state his opinion, just like everyone else. I didn’t agree with some of what he said, and that’s my right, too.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[misericordie]

Scout:

Lots of good advice here. Thanks, everyone.

I never, ever let myself alone with any man-not even my priest (unless it’s in the Confessional, and then I always stay behind the screen). I try to avoid him as much as possible, but there are some situations that I just can’t avoid because of my work with the Church. My obligations there take presidence over my emotions. However, I do try to pray and focus my attention to the task at hand, rather than on him and my feelings.

Scout :tiphat:

In all respect them I would tell you: LIMIT then your church work to MASS! Spend more time at the DOMESTIC CHURCH: The home with the husband.

 

[rayne89]

La Chiara:

Scout–Tough love tends to hurt. But when your feelings get hurt, you should consider why. Sometimes the truth hurts. God bless.

And alot of times feelings are hurt because people believe/say things about a person that aren’t true.

I think some people are reading way to much into this. Yes it could be dangerous under certain circumstances, in Scouts case I don’t see that given what she has said ( Not being pysically attracted, not being alone with men ect…) The 24 hours a day thing did make me a little uneasy I admit.

She feels an emotional connection with someone other than her husband - lets all brand her with the Scarlet Letter. Sheesh, she’s just being honest. I think the book sounds great by the way.

 

[Princess_Abby]

I am surprised by the lack of compassion on this thread. Scout has made it clear that she is in no way wanting or willing to leave her husband or betray him in any physical way.

We do not choose our temptations.

Stop making assumptions about her feelings and/or her future actions.

As she re-stated, Scout seems to be looking for compassion or shared experiences. And, if those of you who assumed wrongly will read more carefully, she also stated that this man is at CHURCH–not some paid job employment.

I am very surprised that so many people here seem to be incredibly judgemental.

 

[misericordie]

Princess_Abby:

I am surprised by the lack of compassion on this thread. Scout has made it clear that she is in no way wanting or willing to leave her husband or betray him in any physical way.

We do not choose our temptations.

Stop making assumptions about her feelings and/or her future actions.

As she re-stated, Scout seems to be looking for compassion or shared experiences. And, if those of you who assumed wrongly will read more carefully, she also stated that this man is at CHURCH–not some paid job employment.

I am very surprised that so many people here seem to be incredibly judgemental.

This actually seems Judgemental. SHE is the one here asking for advice and our opinion, I don’t think NOT telling the truth is going to help her. Society today is so much concerned about FEELINGS over truth and hence truth here suffers in order not to HURT feelings. Sorry, sometimes we will be told what we don’t really want to hear. If we place ourselves in temptation and get to close:we are NATURALLY inclined to sin and will EVENTUALLY FALL…

 

[Princess_Abby]

misericordie:

This actually seems Judgemental. SHE is the one here asking for advice and our opinion, I don’t think NOT telling the truth is going to help her. Society today is so much concerned about FEELINGS over truth and hence truth here suffers in order not to HURT feelings. Sorry, sometimes we will be told what we don’t really want to hear. If we place ourselves in temptation and get to close:we are NATURALLY inclined to sin and will EVENTUALLY FALL…

Being that you are an unmarried man, I would take little authority from you on the subject of married women being attracted to others outside of their marital union.

I did not mention Scout’s “feelings” once. However, since you brought that up, feelings are indeed important to consider, despite what you imply. CHARITY is important to have for every Christian.

I was instead commenting on the assumptions made by so many on this thread. You cannot tell anyone the truth about their future actions, because you cannot predict them.

 

[puzzleannie]

as a general rule in discussing personal problems on this forum can we all agree that we will not ask for advice unless we truly wish to hear it.

 

[La_Chiara]

Scout:

Hey, everyone. I’m looking for some advice and am hoping someone here can help me with this situation.

I am finding myself emotionally attracted to someone who isn’t my husband. I adore my husband and would never, ever betray his confidence. However, I find myself wanting to be around this other person all the time. This has been going on for several months. I try to stay away from this other person, and just when I think I’m over the emotional attraction, I’m forced to be in a situation with him again and all the emotions come back and slap me in the face. I feel extremely guilty and depressed about the situation.

I’ve prayed about it, but I just don’t know what to do. Has anyone else had this experience? **And can anyone give me some advice ** as to what to do? Thanks for all your help.

Scout :tiphat:

puzzleannie–Sounds like a good rule to me.
(Note: **Bolding ** in Scout’s orginal post was added for emphasis.)

 

[Scout]

puzzleannie:

as a general rule in discussing personal problems on this forum can we all agree that we will not ask for advice unless we truly wish to hear it.

I have no problem hearing everyone’s advice and opinions, but that doesn’t mean I have to agree with everything everyone tells me.

So, after hearing everyone’s opinion on the subject, and before this thread turns into something it wasn’t meant to be, I’ve decided to pick up the book several people have suggested andd to try and spend more time alone with my husband. We really haven’t had a date for a while, and that probably hasn’t helped the situation any.

Thanks, everyone. I do appreciate all the help.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[Lilyofthevalley]

Scout, remember Satan is like a lion ready to devour us. Yes, I have had this experience and I avoid the person like the plague. Remembering that Satan is trying to trip me up helps me to pray hard when I get those type of thoughts.

 

[felra]

misericordie:

Society today is so much concerned about FEELINGS over truth and hence truth here suffers in order not to HURT feelings. Sorry, sometimes we will be told what we don’t really want to hear.* If we place ourselves in temptation and get to close:we are NATURALLY inclined to sin and will EVENTUALLY* FALL…

This is good advice for anyone not wanting to sin, no matter what their temptation, weakness, proclivity to sinful habits, recurrent struggles with sin areas, or vocation in life. Prudence, practical wisdom and self knowledge are all important to arming ourselves against temptation. I agree with one of the earlier comments by La Chiara, that when “something hits too close to home” a knee jerk defensive reaction often occurs–“not me” (this comment is not at all directed toward Scout the original poster).