S
Stephen-Maguire
Guest
Hey scout, it’s better not to touch the fruit from that tree, God Bless.
- Status
S
Stef
Guest
scout…it does feel like this is a snowball rolling down a BIG hill…but i just want to re-state that many of us are encouraged by your honesty. i understand that you are asking for advice, and i believe that you will be trusting in God to lead you forward. you’ll figure this one out! 
S
Scout
Guest
Thanks, Stef. I really appreciate that. I’m planning on doing a Holy Hour sometime this weekend, so I’m hoping that Our Lord and Our Lady will give me some specific direction for this situation.scout…it does feel like this is a snowball rolling down a BIG hill…but i just want to re-state that many of us are encouraged by your honesty. i understand that you are asking for advice, and i believe that you will be trusting in God to lead you forward. you’ll figure this one out!
Scout :tiphat:
J
JimO
Guest
Scout - Having been the victim of an affair when I was 29 and experiencing the emotional devastation, I have some comments (some tough ones - sorry
).Physical attraction is irrelevent. 24 hours a day is living together. Where does that leave your husband?
Placing oneself in the proximal occasion of sin can be a sin in itself. The Lord certainly wouldn’t have you serve Him if doing so places you in the proximal occasion of sin. You could no longer serve at church or change parishes. It sounds less like you can’t avoid this person and more like you don’t want to.
True love is a choice, not a feeling. The choice to avoid temptations. The choice to be with your husband. The choice to be faithful. The choice to seek godly counsel. Have you considered Marriage Encounter?
My advice is RUN, RUN, RUN!
May God give you the grace to get through this.
C
carrieloon
Guest
Scout,
Ask for a different assignment in your parish, or ask him to do so.
Another thing that might help you is to come clean with your husband. Then he will be able to help you stay on your path. You don’t have to give him gory details…but it may help.
There is nothing more important than your marriage. If one of your children was in danger, I trust that you would do anything and everything to help them. Treat this in a like manner. Whatever good you are doing for your parish cannot compete with the bad that is being done to your marriage.
I know this sounds extreme, but marriages are really such shaky and fragile entities. They SEEM strong to us while there is no temptation but all it takes is one little crack to undo the whole dang thing. Consider this a crack and do whatever you need to do to repair it!
Make sure that you are spending as much time with your husband as you are with the other guy. Wean yourself from contact with this man by cutting down on your time spent at your joint activity.
One last suggestion would be to attend a marriage encounter weekend with your husband and see if you can reignite the feelings between him and you to the level that you feel connected to the other man.
Best of luck!
Ask for a different assignment in your parish, or ask him to do so.
Another thing that might help you is to come clean with your husband. Then he will be able to help you stay on your path. You don’t have to give him gory details…but it may help.
There is nothing more important than your marriage. If one of your children was in danger, I trust that you would do anything and everything to help them. Treat this in a like manner. Whatever good you are doing for your parish cannot compete with the bad that is being done to your marriage.
I know this sounds extreme, but marriages are really such shaky and fragile entities. They SEEM strong to us while there is no temptation but all it takes is one little crack to undo the whole dang thing. Consider this a crack and do whatever you need to do to repair it!
Make sure that you are spending as much time with your husband as you are with the other guy. Wean yourself from contact with this man by cutting down on your time spent at your joint activity.
One last suggestion would be to attend a marriage encounter weekend with your husband and see if you can reignite the feelings between him and you to the level that you feel connected to the other man.
Best of luck!
R
rayne89
Guest
I completely disagree with this. Would you like it if your husband pointed out every women he was physically attracted to? I think this would cause undue pain and resentment for her husband.
What gory details? The poor women hasn’t done anything except be aware of feelings she has.
Marriage encounter is always good, I recommend it to all married couples.
O
otm
Guest
Scout: I spent 12 years of my life as a divorce attorney. I am not sitting on some high and mighty throne, casting aspersions. I speak from way too much personal experience; 2nd hand experience, but very personal.
Scout:
Scout:
Scout:
Scout:
What saddens me is the number of people I have given straight advice to, who have gotten mad and walked away from it, only later to come back and apologize to me, because I was right. Meaning, when I said they were going in a diretion and they didn’t believe me, they went in that direction. I call those people statistics.
Staying in a job with the circumstances you have conveyed is begging for trouble. That trouble includes further distance between you and your husband; possible serious emotional trauma to your marriage if not divorce; if you have children, the trauma to them; if this guy is married, the same risks to him, his wife and any children; the possibility of one or both of you being fired or involved in a sexual harrassment suit. Need I go further?
There’s an old saying: “Love is blind, but the neighbors aren’t.” What you seem to forget is that others can sense the attraction between two people. Do you really think that no one at the church is aware of your strong emotional attraction? If you do, you are just as naieve as my clients were…
You have played a game of emotional dalliance. At the first hint of attraction, you did not stop it; you dwelt on it. And you dwelt on it repeatedly; else, where comes the statement of being with him 24 hours a day? This has gone way to far. You think you are not on the road to major problems? So did my clients. They just couldn’t figure it out.
You have two choices: get a different job or court disaster. I don’t care whether or not you read the book. But if you think reading the book is going to solve your problems and you can stay on this job, you are just plain kidding yourself. I don’t care what kind of responsiblites you have at the church; none of them are as great as your responsibility to yourself, your husband, and family, to this guy, any wife and any kids.
.
No, I won’t skip it. That is what almost every one of my divorce clients told me.
I find that most people don’ like being diagnosed, particularly when the diagnosis hits too close to home. If you had your head on straight, you would have brought this to a grinding halt long ago. This issue isn’t a week old, and we both know that.Second, Yes-I like being around him. That’s the problem. However, if I didn’t want to change I wouldn’t have posted this issue.
Third, my head is on straight. If it weren’t, I wouldn’t have recognized the problem in the first place. So, you can skip diagnosing me.
You are repeating, almost verbatim, what every woman client who had an affair told me. None of them started out to have an affair. It "just happened’, “I didn’t mean to do it”, “I had no intention of going to bed with him”, “I was sure nothing would ever happen”… the list goes on and on. It never ceased to amaze me how “innocent” all these women were.
I am willing to give advice. I find that a number of people don’t like my advice, because I am a firm believer in calling a spade a spade; I don’t mince a lot of words. If none of what I said applies to you, then you have no reason to be hurt or upset; it is just some clown shooting their mouth off.
What saddens me is the number of people I have given straight advice to, who have gotten mad and walked away from it, only later to come back and apologize to me, because I was right. Meaning, when I said they were going in a diretion and they didn’t believe me, they went in that direction. I call those people statistics.
Staying in a job with the circumstances you have conveyed is begging for trouble. That trouble includes further distance between you and your husband; possible serious emotional trauma to your marriage if not divorce; if you have children, the trauma to them; if this guy is married, the same risks to him, his wife and any children; the possibility of one or both of you being fired or involved in a sexual harrassment suit. Need I go further?
There’s an old saying: “Love is blind, but the neighbors aren’t.” What you seem to forget is that others can sense the attraction between two people. Do you really think that no one at the church is aware of your strong emotional attraction? If you do, you are just as naieve as my clients were…
You have played a game of emotional dalliance. At the first hint of attraction, you did not stop it; you dwelt on it. And you dwelt on it repeatedly; else, where comes the statement of being with him 24 hours a day? This has gone way to far. You think you are not on the road to major problems? So did my clients. They just couldn’t figure it out.
You have two choices: get a different job or court disaster. I don’t care whether or not you read the book. But if you think reading the book is going to solve your problems and you can stay on this job, you are just plain kidding yourself. I don’t care what kind of responsiblites you have at the church; none of them are as great as your responsibility to yourself, your husband, and family, to this guy, any wife and any kids.
.
O
otm
Guest
Scout: If what I have said has no application to you, then you whould have no hurt feelings; it simply didn’t apply. If your feelings are hurt, then get a hanky and have a good cry. Then read my posts over again. I didn’t ask you to like what I said. I as that you pay attention.
One last thought: I said above that there is a hig likelyhood that people in your church have an inkling, or more, of your attraction to this guy. What makes you think that your husband doesn’t have a clue that something is not right? You insist that you are not on the road to divorce. Let me tell you a little secret: neither did a number of my clients in situations similar to yours, until the process server served the papers filed by their spouse. While you are “fighting” this issue at work, and let’s be honest, thinking about him while not at work, you are not making any effort to make your marriage better. Relationships don’t exist in a vacuum; you are either moving forward or backward. For some time, you and you husband have been moving backward. Change directions, or you run the high risk of having them changed for you.
One last thought: I said above that there is a hig likelyhood that people in your church have an inkling, or more, of your attraction to this guy. What makes you think that your husband doesn’t have a clue that something is not right? You insist that you are not on the road to divorce. Let me tell you a little secret: neither did a number of my clients in situations similar to yours, until the process server served the papers filed by their spouse. While you are “fighting” this issue at work, and let’s be honest, thinking about him while not at work, you are not making any effort to make your marriage better. Relationships don’t exist in a vacuum; you are either moving forward or backward. For some time, you and you husband have been moving backward. Change directions, or you run the high risk of having them changed for you.
A
Annunciata
Guest
carreiloon:
rayne89:
I agree very strongly on the above…this could lead to disaster in a marriage…
S
Scout
Guest
Well, I am not one of your divorce clients.
I have no problem being diagnosed by a clinical psychologist, but not a lay person with no background in the field. A divorce attorney is not a psychologist.
I know there is no way for me to make you believe that nothing will ever happen, but please trust me in this: Nothing Will Ever Happen. How do I know this for sure? First of all, because I know him. Second, and I know this is a lousy reason, because I don’t think I’m attractive enough for anything to happen. Third, because I never, ever, ever am alone with a man besides my husband.
I don’t think that’s true. Lies hurt people, so does gossip and half-truths.
It’s not my job. My husband knows about the situation, and we’re working on our marriage together.
Well, I’m very sorry for your clients, and for you having to put up with people who are obviously not as enlightened as you are. I, however, am not one of your clients.
This I would agree with. And I am doing my best to make sure that my husband family remain my top priority. If I didn’t think they were, I wouldn’t have posted this thread to begin with. Why is this so impossible for you to believe?
Scout :tiphat:
C
catsrus
Guest
Scout, many years ago I was in a similar situation with a person with whom I worked. I made the WRONG decision and many suffered. I will have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life, even though I confessed it. It started out pretty much the same way your attraction is going - and progressed. RUN, do not walk, RUN, with your husband, to another parish, out of town, or whereever you must to put as much distance as possible between yourself and the other. 
for you!
for you!
M
misericordie
Guest
Maybe noy but neither are priests yet couples see them all the time for advice. I may not be married, but I sure as heck know what attraction is.
V
Vouchsafe
Guest
One of the wisest priests I have ever met walked our high school class through this process. I use it a lot to redirect myself on many issues in life. I think it would be highly useful in your situation.
Can you control your feelings directly? No.
Should you feel guilty for your initial feelings? No.
Can you control them indirectly? Yes.
How? By controlling your behavior.
If, every time you have negative or other feelings you don’t want, you come up with new things to tell yourself on this topic. You must consciously steer your thoughts down this new avenue, and it takes work!
You also can come up with physical behavior changes: Don’t do the activities that cause these feelings to arise.
Father gave a number of examples for us to talk through. It is important to change BOTH your self-talk and your actions. I would agree that changing parishes or finding a new ministry to volunteer in would be one example of changing actions.
Can you control your feelings directly? No.
Should you feel guilty for your initial feelings? No.
Can you control them indirectly? Yes.
How? By controlling your behavior.
If, every time you have negative or other feelings you don’t want, you come up with new things to tell yourself on this topic. You must consciously steer your thoughts down this new avenue, and it takes work!
You also can come up with physical behavior changes: Don’t do the activities that cause these feelings to arise.
Father gave a number of examples for us to talk through. It is important to change BOTH your self-talk and your actions. I would agree that changing parishes or finding a new ministry to volunteer in would be one example of changing actions.
F
Fitz
Guest
This might be a good idea for a time. If we spend more time doing for others what we should be doing for our family we could end up losing our family. Many good people do this. I have seen it. After a time you could go back to church and do something new and different. We all take stock in our lives periodically. It will pass with prayer and determination on your part. I think the best of you, but why torture yourself when you can rearrange your time? I think with prayer you will get strong enough to move on.
J
Joan_M
Guest
I have been following this thread, and I agree with the principle advice that has been given to you - change your ministry with the church so that you do not continue to have contact with this man. You are endangering your marriage.
It seems that you want to have your cake and eat it! You want to make sure that your husband and family remain your top priority BUT you do not want to make the changes necessary to avoid contact with this man to whom you are emotionally attracted. You want to continue to play with fire, and you are annoyed that people are telling you that this is what you are doing!
Take it from us that we can see your situation much more clearly than you can - you are too close to the situation.
H
Happy2bcatholic
Guest
Dear Scout,
Your are to be commended for your inquiry and your stalwartness. I remember Kimberly Hahn, wife of Scott Hahn, commenting about a very similar situation. She said to distance yourself from the situation as soon as possible. For her it was a co-worker so she quit her job! Remember allowing yourself to around this person and avoiding sin is virtuous but still putting yourself in temptation is not exactly avoiding possible occassion of sin. Godspeed.
Your are to be commended for your inquiry and your stalwartness. I remember Kimberly Hahn, wife of Scott Hahn, commenting about a very similar situation. She said to distance yourself from the situation as soon as possible. For her it was a co-worker so she quit her job! Remember allowing yourself to around this person and avoiding sin is virtuous but still putting yourself in temptation is not exactly avoiding possible occassion of sin. Godspeed.
J
jman507
Guest
Scout,
I hope this is helpful. First off, the basics. Avoid sin and the near occasion of sin. If your eye causes you to sin gouge it out, hehe. Remember even if say you did leave your marriage for another, soon enough the same problems would probably happen. But I know you know that.
Blessed be God, as the saying goes if your not being tempted you are immersed in sin. I say good for you, for recongnizing the problem, and keeping faith and hope that your marriage will work out. Even though I am not married, it always makes me a bit disappointed to see marriages break up. It gives me hope to see not giving into the tempations. I hope if and when I get married my wife would do the same.
This is right now your cross, so take heart and do not get discouraged. If you fall, get right back up. To overcome this its going to take your effort. But you cannot do it all alone. Surrender and pray, pray, pray for God to give you the grace, so you can keep your chastity inorder for you to give more fully your love to your husband.
It seems to me you seem to be trying to get the love your husband should have for you out of someone else. Like in Ephesians 5 where Paul says husbands love your wives. That kind of leads me to believe that there is probably a recipical problem. Paul says more or less, wives respect your husbands.
If you really want to change a situation, usually you have to start by changing yourself in your very heart. I’m sure you love him every bit as much as you can love him. But remember for the males – boys and men are loved, but it’s only the men that are respected. A mother should be the one to love him, the wife should be the one to respect him. He doesn’t do stuff that deserves respect. Well, how you would you like a coach to tell your son, “get back to the bench (little boy), if you where better (like a man) you’d be able to play.” You’d be awfully upset. You’d know you have a kid on your hand thats never going to want to try again. Now if he said, “Now, I’m going to have to put you on the bench. Your not quite good enough to play, but you have a lot of potential. Just keep on practicing hard. Rember Micheal Jorden got cut from his basketball team as a kid.” Now I’m sure your kid will want to get right back out there and try harder. Thats the way you want to treat a husband that could be doing stuff better. I don’t know if that pertains to the situation, but it’s something good to always keep in mind.
Remember you are the heart of the family, it is so important that you keep in mind you are the bridge that really keeps the family glued. You need to be there to encourage the leadership of your husband and to make sure your children are secure to do the things they need to do inorder to became virtuous adults. At the same time making sure that the kids can go to the husband. All this with the overall with the hope it’ll help each to get to heaven. Accckkk God bless all you mothers, thats a tall task. May God give you the grace. But keep hope, as a preist once told me, the differance between being good or bad in your vocation is prayer. Maybe thats a bit simple, but can give you much hope.
Now I’ve never heard this advice given before, but I always thought it could be good. If you want help with dealing with your husband, pick up a book by a good coach with good values. One thing a good coach should know is how to get their players motivated. I haven’t read too many books like that, but thinking off hand John Woodson the old UCLA basketball coach might be a good one. After all if you want to motivate a husband, its best going to be done on his terms. You wouldn’t want all the advice given to your husband on how to treat you to come form his buddies. That almost seems like the blind leading the blind.
Most important pray. Pray for him, for the other guy, and the other guy’s wife. Don’t forget to pray for yourself. Ask the Lord to show you where you have anger, even passive anger towards your husband, inorder for you to expose it and get rid of it. Get to confession too and get your husband to go to. Look this is something that could put your vows at risk. Find a good priest and confess it. Maybe get some spirtiual direction at the same time, and get the grace associated with it too. This may be a tough cross, but one day it’ll pass if you keep working on your marriage. You’ll come out of this with a stronger marriage and even more love for your husband. So my appoligies if this is a bit long, but it gives me hope to know that even in temptation you are trying to overcome it. You are in my prayers.
I hope this is helpful. First off, the basics. Avoid sin and the near occasion of sin. If your eye causes you to sin gouge it out, hehe. Remember even if say you did leave your marriage for another, soon enough the same problems would probably happen. But I know you know that.
Blessed be God, as the saying goes if your not being tempted you are immersed in sin. I say good for you, for recongnizing the problem, and keeping faith and hope that your marriage will work out. Even though I am not married, it always makes me a bit disappointed to see marriages break up. It gives me hope to see not giving into the tempations. I hope if and when I get married my wife would do the same.
This is right now your cross, so take heart and do not get discouraged. If you fall, get right back up. To overcome this its going to take your effort. But you cannot do it all alone. Surrender and pray, pray, pray for God to give you the grace, so you can keep your chastity inorder for you to give more fully your love to your husband.
It seems to me you seem to be trying to get the love your husband should have for you out of someone else. Like in Ephesians 5 where Paul says husbands love your wives. That kind of leads me to believe that there is probably a recipical problem. Paul says more or less, wives respect your husbands.
If you really want to change a situation, usually you have to start by changing yourself in your very heart. I’m sure you love him every bit as much as you can love him. But remember for the males – boys and men are loved, but it’s only the men that are respected. A mother should be the one to love him, the wife should be the one to respect him. He doesn’t do stuff that deserves respect. Well, how you would you like a coach to tell your son, “get back to the bench (little boy), if you where better (like a man) you’d be able to play.” You’d be awfully upset. You’d know you have a kid on your hand thats never going to want to try again. Now if he said, “Now, I’m going to have to put you on the bench. Your not quite good enough to play, but you have a lot of potential. Just keep on practicing hard. Rember Micheal Jorden got cut from his basketball team as a kid.” Now I’m sure your kid will want to get right back out there and try harder. Thats the way you want to treat a husband that could be doing stuff better. I don’t know if that pertains to the situation, but it’s something good to always keep in mind.
Remember you are the heart of the family, it is so important that you keep in mind you are the bridge that really keeps the family glued. You need to be there to encourage the leadership of your husband and to make sure your children are secure to do the things they need to do inorder to became virtuous adults. At the same time making sure that the kids can go to the husband. All this with the overall with the hope it’ll help each to get to heaven. Accckkk God bless all you mothers, thats a tall task. May God give you the grace. But keep hope, as a preist once told me, the differance between being good or bad in your vocation is prayer. Maybe thats a bit simple, but can give you much hope.
Now I’ve never heard this advice given before, but I always thought it could be good. If you want help with dealing with your husband, pick up a book by a good coach with good values. One thing a good coach should know is how to get their players motivated. I haven’t read too many books like that, but thinking off hand John Woodson the old UCLA basketball coach might be a good one. After all if you want to motivate a husband, its best going to be done on his terms. You wouldn’t want all the advice given to your husband on how to treat you to come form his buddies. That almost seems like the blind leading the blind.
Most important pray. Pray for him, for the other guy, and the other guy’s wife. Don’t forget to pray for yourself. Ask the Lord to show you where you have anger, even passive anger towards your husband, inorder for you to expose it and get rid of it. Get to confession too and get your husband to go to. Look this is something that could put your vows at risk. Find a good priest and confess it. Maybe get some spirtiual direction at the same time, and get the grace associated with it too. This may be a tough cross, but one day it’ll pass if you keep working on your marriage. You’ll come out of this with a stronger marriage and even more love for your husband. So my appoligies if this is a bit long, but it gives me hope to know that even in temptation you are trying to overcome it. You are in my prayers.
J
jman507
Guest
Scout,
I hope this is helpful. First off, the basics. Avoid sin and the near occasion of sin. If your eye causes you to sin gouge it out, hehe. Remember even if say you did leave your marriage for another, soon enough the same problems would probably happen. But I know you know that.
Blessed be God, as the saying goes if your not being tempted you are immersed in sin. I say good for you, for recongnizing the problem, and keeping faith and hope that your marriage will work out. Even though I am not married, it always makes me a bit disappointed to see marriages break up. It gives me hope to see not giving into the tempations. I hope if and when I get married my wife would do the same.
This is right now your cross, so take heart and do not get discouraged. If you fall, get right back up. To overcome this its going to take your effort. But you cannot do it all alone. Surrender and pray, pray, pray for God to give you the grace, so you can keep your chastity inorder for you to give more fully your love to your husband.
It seems to me you seem to be trying to get the love your husband should have for you out of someone else. Like in Ephesians 5 where Paul says husbands love your wives. That kind of leads me to believe that there is probably a recipical problem. Paul says more or less, wives respect your husbands.
If you really want to change a situation, usually you have to start by changing yourself in your very heart. I’m sure you love him every bit as much as you can love him. But remember for the males – boys and men are loved, but it’s only the men that are respected. A mother should be the one to love him, the wife should be the one to respect him. He doesn’t do stuff that deserves respect. Well, how you would you like a coach to tell your son, “get back to the bench (little boy), if you where better (like a man) you’d be able to play.” You’d be awfully upset. You’d know you have a kid on your hand thats never going to want to try again. Now if he said, “Now, I’m going to have to put you on the bench. Your not quite good enough to play, but you have a lot of potential. Just keep on practicing hard. Rember Micheal Jorden got cut from his basketball team as a kid.” Now I’m sure your kid will want to get right back out there and try harder. Thats the way you want to treat a husband that could be doing stuff better. I don’t know if that pertains to the situation, but it’s something good to always keep in mind.
Remember you are the heart of the family, it is so important that you keep in mind you are the bridge that really keeps the family glued. You need to be there to encourage the leadership of your husband and to make sure your children are secure to do the things they need to do inorder to became virtuous adults. At the same time making sure that the kids can go to the husband. All this with the overall with the hope it’ll help each to get to heaven. Accckkk God bless all you mothers, thats a tall task. May God give you the grace. But keep hope, as a preist once told me, the differance between being good or bad in your vocation is prayer. Maybe thats a bit simple, but can give you much hope.
Now I’ve never heard this advice given before, but I always thought it could be good. If you want help with dealing with your husband, pick up a book by a good coach with good values. One thing a good coach should know is how to get their players motivated. I haven’t read too many books like that, but thinking off hand John Woodson the old UCLA basketball coach might be a good one. After all if you want to motivate a husband, its best going to be done on his terms. You wouldn’t want all the advice given to your husband on how to treat you to come form his buddies. That almost seems like the blind leading the blind.
Most important pray. Pray for him, for the other guy, and the other guy’s wife. Don’t forget to pray for yourself. Ask the Lord to show you where you have anger, even passive anger towards your husband, inorder for you to expose it and get rid of it. Get to confession too and get your husband to go to. Look this is something that could put your vows at risk. Find a good priest and confess it. Maybe get some spirtiual direction at the same time, and get the grace associated with it too. This may be a tough cross, but one day it’ll pass if you keep working on your marriage. You’ll come out of this with a stronger marriage and even more love for your husband. So my appoligies if this is a bit long, but it gives me hope to know that even in temptation you are trying to overcome it. You are in my prayers.
I hope this is helpful. First off, the basics. Avoid sin and the near occasion of sin. If your eye causes you to sin gouge it out, hehe. Remember even if say you did leave your marriage for another, soon enough the same problems would probably happen. But I know you know that.
Blessed be God, as the saying goes if your not being tempted you are immersed in sin. I say good for you, for recongnizing the problem, and keeping faith and hope that your marriage will work out. Even though I am not married, it always makes me a bit disappointed to see marriages break up. It gives me hope to see not giving into the tempations. I hope if and when I get married my wife would do the same.
This is right now your cross, so take heart and do not get discouraged. If you fall, get right back up. To overcome this its going to take your effort. But you cannot do it all alone. Surrender and pray, pray, pray for God to give you the grace, so you can keep your chastity inorder for you to give more fully your love to your husband.
It seems to me you seem to be trying to get the love your husband should have for you out of someone else. Like in Ephesians 5 where Paul says husbands love your wives. That kind of leads me to believe that there is probably a recipical problem. Paul says more or less, wives respect your husbands.
If you really want to change a situation, usually you have to start by changing yourself in your very heart. I’m sure you love him every bit as much as you can love him. But remember for the males – boys and men are loved, but it’s only the men that are respected. A mother should be the one to love him, the wife should be the one to respect him. He doesn’t do stuff that deserves respect. Well, how you would you like a coach to tell your son, “get back to the bench (little boy), if you where better (like a man) you’d be able to play.” You’d be awfully upset. You’d know you have a kid on your hand thats never going to want to try again. Now if he said, “Now, I’m going to have to put you on the bench. Your not quite good enough to play, but you have a lot of potential. Just keep on practicing hard. Rember Micheal Jorden got cut from his basketball team as a kid.” Now I’m sure your kid will want to get right back out there and try harder. Thats the way you want to treat a husband that could be doing stuff better. I don’t know if that pertains to the situation, but it’s something good to always keep in mind.
Remember you are the heart of the family, it is so important that you keep in mind you are the bridge that really keeps the family glued. You need to be there to encourage the leadership of your husband and to make sure your children are secure to do the things they need to do inorder to became virtuous adults. At the same time making sure that the kids can go to the husband. All this with the overall with the hope it’ll help each to get to heaven. Accckkk God bless all you mothers, thats a tall task. May God give you the grace. But keep hope, as a preist once told me, the differance between being good or bad in your vocation is prayer. Maybe thats a bit simple, but can give you much hope.
Now I’ve never heard this advice given before, but I always thought it could be good. If you want help with dealing with your husband, pick up a book by a good coach with good values. One thing a good coach should know is how to get their players motivated. I haven’t read too many books like that, but thinking off hand John Woodson the old UCLA basketball coach might be a good one. After all if you want to motivate a husband, its best going to be done on his terms. You wouldn’t want all the advice given to your husband on how to treat you to come form his buddies. That almost seems like the blind leading the blind.
Most important pray. Pray for him, for the other guy, and the other guy’s wife. Don’t forget to pray for yourself. Ask the Lord to show you where you have anger, even passive anger towards your husband, inorder for you to expose it and get rid of it. Get to confession too and get your husband to go to. Look this is something that could put your vows at risk. Find a good priest and confess it. Maybe get some spirtiual direction at the same time, and get the grace associated with it too. This may be a tough cross, but one day it’ll pass if you keep working on your marriage. You’ll come out of this with a stronger marriage and even more love for your husband. So my appoligies if this is a bit long, but it gives me hope to know that even in temptation you are trying to overcome it. You are in my prayers.
H
HagiaSophia
Guest
As I have read your posts, you sounded like an echo from a past retreat talk we were given by one of the Capuchin Friars. It was called “Protecting Your Vocation”.
In it he explained how each of us in his audience was living out a “vocation”. It didn’t mattter how we got there, it didn’t matter if we “chose” it or it was imposed upon us. Our lives and how we were living out our relationships and our professions from the teen ager in school, the mother in the home, the single parent, the priest and nun, were all living out a vocation.
It was our responsibiity to protect it - as someone else here said, you are not responsible for your initial reactions, but you are definitively responsible for how you respond to those feelings.
And he echoed pretty much the advice you have offered. He stated over and over, no priest ever started out to break his vows on his day of ordination, no married person ever thought they would ever act out "feelings: for others, and the key to successfully keeping that marriage and that religious life intact and whole was to AT ONCE do the physical - separate yourself out from the temptation and then work on your “thinking” once you were objectively removed from the situation. He said this took more than prayer, it took conscious will to renounce the temptation. by changing the “thinking” and the habits of staying within its grasp.
He told priests and nuns, to remove themselves to another “house” or type of ministry if necessary and the married and single who were struggling with “attractions” to refuse themselves the luxury of denial, that is thinking they had it under control, that it would never progress, that they could handle it. He called it the purest form of self indulgence and reminded us that since we are all in uniquely different situations with different emotional and spiritual conditions, that temptation would come in the way most surely to prompt from us, the sin which leads to all other sin of this nature - pride. The absolute conviction that unlike all those who came before us or will come after us, we can “deal with it”.
He said “assume that you will fail, because that is the weakness of your nature, act like you will suceed and take the protective action and you will in the end achieve that goal”.
In closing, he reminded us that in order to receive grace, we must seek it, part of seeking it is to act upon those promptings of conscience and an honesty in rigorous self examination. That we are to flee from the pride of thinking “we” are in control, and seek the humility of knowing we are not; that we cannot afford to endanger home, hearth and vocation, in order to prove that “we can handle it”.
I would sum up what he said as destiny is the life God has marked out for you, fate is how you choose to meet it.
I’ve never forgotten that talk because so many friends and public figures have shown that in just about everything he said, he demonstrated he knew what he was talking about.
While I haven’t heard Fr. Corapi address it directly, many of the things he says when he talks about “going off the deep end” echo this talk also. A vocation has to be protected because no matter who you are, or what you do, temptation and sacrifice will be demanded of you in order to live it out. The fallacy is believing that your sacifice is far in excess of your temptation - that’s the seduction of giving in to it.
H
HagiaSophia
Guest
s that the sacrifice is worse than the tepation and so we stay with it - again he called it the purest forum of self indulgene to believe this fallacy.
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