Emotional Attraction

[Scout]

Joan M:

You want to continue to play with fire, and you are annoyed that people are telling you that this is what you are doing!

Take it from us that we can see your situation much more clearly than you can - you are too close to the situation.

Actually, I am just annoyed that people are assuming the worst in me. And no, you can’t see the situation much more clearly than I can because you only know what I’ve told you.

However, I do appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[La_Chiara]

Scout:

Actually, I am just annoyed that people are assuming the worst in me. And no, you can’t see the situation much more clearly than I can because you only know what I’ve told you.

However, I do appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut.

Scout :tiphat:

Good luck, girl scout.

 

[misericordie]

Fitz:

This might be a good idea for a time. If we spend more time doing for others what we should be doing for our family we could end up losing our family. Many good people do this. I have seen it. After a time you could go back to church and do something new and different. We all take stock in our lives periodically. It will pass with prayer and determination on your part. I think the best of you, but why torture yourself when you can rearrange your time? I think with prayer you will get strong enough to move on.

YUP!!!:yup: .

 

[otm]

Scout:

Well, I am not one of your divorce clients.

Can you understand that I don’t want you to be one?

Scout:

I have no problem being diagnosed by a clinical psychologist, but not a lay person with no background in the field. A divorce attorney is not a psychologist.

A) I took classes in psychology.
B) I have met a number of psychologists, some with PhDs and some with Masters, who couldn’t counsel their way out of a wet paper bag with a sharp knife. Common sense is not something you get a college degree in, nor is real world experience. Your decision that I know nothing and have no insight to human nature (particularly the area of maritial relations and problem marriages) would be humorous if it weren’t so sad.

Scout:

Second, and I know this is a lousy reason, because I don’t think I’m attractive enough for anything to happen.

Ah, now we get down to the brass tacks. You think that because you don’t think you are attractive, nothing will happen. That is called naievety. It is how people get their fingers burned.

Scout:

Well, I’m very sorry for your clients, and for you having to put up with people who are obviously not as enlightened as you are. I, however, am not one of your clients.

My advise is directed at keeping you from becoming a client. You don’t need to get snotty about “being enlightened”. You asked for advice. I gave it. If you don’t like it, it is your option to ignore it. Most people who get themselves into similar situations don’t like being told they have made serious errors of judgement, and don’t like being told what they really need to do. They would not be in the situation to begin with if it was not attractive to them, and it is that attraction that tends to keep them there. But you might want to consider why so many people in this thread have suggested you change jobs.

By the way, if you ignore my advice and everything works out for the better, my feelings won’t be hurt. And if you ignore it, and dig yourself deeper into the hole you have already dug, my feelings still won’t be hurt. Someone else’s might.

Scout:

This I would agree with. And I am doing my best to make sure that my husband family remain my top priority. If I didn’t think they were, I wouldn’t have posted this thread to begin with. Why is this so impossible for you to believe?

It is not impossible for me to believe. I am not suggesting, nor have I suggested anywhere in my comments that you are of ill will, or that you are knowingly and intentionally staying put.

What I do say is that you give every appearance of being very naieve as to your situation and the potential dangers of it.

Christ spoke to the Pharisees about the sin of adultery being committed in the mind and heart, long before they had a physical sexual encounter. I do not accuse you of that. But as others have said on this thread, your situation has all the marks of what is called a “near occasion of sin”. I am not judging your heart, or your stance with God when I say that. I am simply speaking of a factual issue.

Hey, it’s your choice. My advice and $1.65 will get you somewhere on the local transit system.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[kage_ar]

Perhaps I’m odd woman out but I have friends of the opposite sex… Yes, I have male friends. They are few and far between, but they are as close to me as family. While my husband is my best friend, there are other friends.

Every male friend I have is a friend of OURS – when work or other things in life have brought great people into my path – I drag them home to meet the family (and vice versa for my husband) J Our extended family continues to grow this way, and our friends are such a blessing in our lives. In fact, I became friends with a co-worker, met his wife at dinner, she and I became lifetime bosom buddies, and she was my sponsor into the RCC! My husband says that I have a knack for finding him good friends.

We try to teach our kids that you can be friends with a boy/girl without being romantic, and IMHO, seeing platonic friendships in the adults is a positive reinforcement of true Christian friendship.

Jesus set the example of holy friendship with women – Mary and Martha were His friends.

How about inviting this person to dinner with your family? Bringing your husband along to the church functions? Make your husband part of the friendship. Again, just my opinion…

 

[Scout]

kage_ar:

How about inviting this person to dinner with your family? Bringing your husband along to the church functions? Make your husband part of the friendship. Again, just my opinion…

I asked my husband to come along with me to Church functions, but he’s not a Catholic and has no interest in these things. I told him yesterday that I really need him to start coming with me, especially to the RCIA classes that I volunteer for. In fact I practically begged him to come with me. However, he made it clear that he had no desire to come with me. What makes it even more difficult is that my husband is aware of the situation, and still doesn’t want to come with me. I’m not sure what to make of that.

By the way, I don’t work for the Church. It is strictly through Church functions and activities that I am acquainted with this person. I’m sorry if I implied that.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[rayne89]

Scout
Did you just tell him about the situation now?

 

[Fitz]

Scout, taking you husband around this person isn’t the answer in my opinion. There are two divorces in my family. Both of the spouses that left my siblings did so with a mutual friend. It is the most common thing. People often stray with someone they already know.

I am not accusing you or acting like you think this will happen, but I have seen it all too often. Just a caution. If I were your husband I would not want to go around this other person knowing that you like them. It is a rather humiliating place to be. I think it would be awkward at best and harmful at worst.

 

[Scout]

otm:

Can you understand that I don’t want you to be one?]

Yes, I can understand that.

otm:

A) I took classes in psychology.
B) I have met a number of psychologists, some with PhDs and some with Masters, who couldn’t counsel their way out of a wet paper bag with a sharp knife. Common sense is not something you get a college degree in, nor is real world experience. Your decision that I know nothing and have no insight to human nature (particularly the area of maritial relations and problem marriages) would be humorous if it weren’t so sad.

I didn’t decide that you have no insight into human nature. I can respect common sense. I have no problem with that. What upset me was you telling me to seek therapy because you said my head wasn’t on straight. I don’t think having a problem that many other women have means that your head isn’t on straight. And I can appreciate that you have had some psychology education, but I’d prefer that you not try to diagnose me.

otm:

Ah, now we get down to the brass tacks. You think that because you don’t think you are attractive, nothing will happen. That is called naievety. It is how people get their fingers burned.

Maybe it is naievety. Maybe it’s wishful thinking. I don’t know. You’re probably right.

otm:

My advise is directed at keeping you from becoming a client. You don’t need to get snotty about “being enlightened”. You asked for advice. I gave it. If you don’t like it, it is your option to ignore it. Most people who get themselves into similar situations don’t like being told they have made serious errors of judgement, and don’t like being told what they really need to do. They would not be in the situation to begin with if it was not attractive to them, and it is that attraction that tends to keep them there. But you might want to consider why so many people in this thread have suggested you change jobs.

I’m sincerely sorry for becoming snotty with you. Please forgive me. That was uncalled for. I know you’ve seen this happen all the time, but believe me when I tell you it’s different when you’re in it yourself. I’m not saying that your advice isn’t worth anything, because I know that it is. However, when emotions are involved it’s difficult to just flip the switch into the “off” position. This is the only Church I’ve knows since I became a Catholic. Right now, they are the only family I have since most of mine kicked me to the curb when I converted. The idea of packing up and leaving for another parish makes my heart ache.

otm:

It is not impossible for me to believe. I am not suggesting, nor have I suggested anywhere in my comments that you are of ill will, or that you are knowingly and intentionally staying put.

Thank you. I’m sorry (again) for having misunderstood you.

otm:

What I do say is that you give every appearance of being very naieve as to your situation and the potential dangers of it.

Maybe that’s true. Maybe I just want to believe the best in me, and in him. I don’t know if that’s naieve or not. Maybe it is.

This whole situation makes me very sad.

I should also clarify one more fact that I haven’t made clear yet. The other guy isn’t married. I’m sorry if that was implied in any way.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[Scout]

rayne89:

Scout
Did you just tell him about the situation now?

Yes, but I wasn’t explicit about it. I just told him that I was attracted to this other person. He laughed. He said he couldn’t see why I would be attracted to this person. He kind of blew it off as a sort of thing that women do, and he said he wasn’t worried about it. I don’t know if that’s because he trusts me or because he knows the other guy.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[Scout]

Fitz:

Iam not accusing you or acting like you think this will happen, but I have seen it all too often. Just a caution. If I were your husband I would not want to go around this other person knowing that you like them. It is a rather humiliating place to be. I think it would be awkward at best and harmful at worst.

I hadn’t really thought of it that way, but I can understand what you’re saying. I just thought it would help me to have him there so that I could focus my attention on him, instead of on this other guy. I wanted him there for emotional and moral support. Somebody to lean on, ya know? I don’t think it really matters, though, because I don’t see my husband going with me to any Church functions anytime soon.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[cove]

Scout:

Yes, but I wasn’t explicit about it. I just told him that I was attracted to this other person. He laughed. He said he couldn’t see why I would be attracted to this person. He kind of blew it off as a sort of thing that women do, and he said he wasn’t worried about it. I don’t know if that’s because he trusts me or because he knows the other guy.

Scout :tiphat:

My sense of all this, after reading this thread, is that your husband is not emotionally supporting you in the area of faith, religious convictions and commitment that you have dedicated yourself to. It must be lonely for you. I am truly sorry for you. I could understand how you would need to share this part of your life with your husband who is a non Catholic and who does not show any interest in joining the Church.

I don’t think you really have an attraction to this other “person”. Only the qualities that he has that make him a good fellow Catholic. You really hope for the man you really love to have this. I would encourage you to try and get him into some kind of marriage counseling so you can really open up to him about this. He obviously does not take this seriously and he should. It is not right of him to disregard your feelings in this way.

btw–Everyone seems to be telling you to be careful. But, I believe it is your husband who needs to do some soul searching and who needs the wake up call.

 

[Scout]

cove:

My sense of all this, after reading this thread, is that your husband is not emotionally supporting you in the area of faith, religious convictions and commitment that you have dedicated yourself to. It must be lonely for you. I am truly sorry for you. I could understand how you would need to share this part of your life with your husband who is a non Catholic and who does not show any interest in joining the Church.

I don’t think you really have an attraction to this other “person”. Only the qualities that he has that make him a good fellow Catholic. You really hope for the man you really love to have this. I would encourage you to try and get him into some kind of marriage counseling so you can really open up to him about this. He obviously does not take this seriously and he should. It is not right of him to disregard your feelings in this way.

Thank you for your encouraging post. My husband tries to be supportive, but I don’t think he really knows how. Please don’t misunderstand me, my husband is a wonderful man. There’s not a selfish bone in his body. He has no vices or bad habits. He doesn’t lie, isn’t into pornography is anything like that, is a very hard worker, and thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Is he perfect? No, but he is a great guy.

I know some will think, “If he’s so wonderful, then why am I attracted to this other person?” You’re probably right-there are probably traits in this other man’s character that aren’t in my husband’s that I’m attracted to. Maybe it’s because we always want what we can’t have. I think someone suggested that I like the affirmation this other man gives me, sort of like a father-figure of some sort (yes, he is older than me). I don’t really know. I just know that I am attracted to this person.
Scout :tiphat:

 

[cove]

Scout:

Thank you for your encouraging post. My husband tries to be supportive, but I don’t think he really knows how. Please don’t misunderstand me, my husband is a wonderful man. There’s not a selfish bone in his body. He has no vices or bad habits. He doesn’t lie, isn’t into pornography is anything like that, is a very hard worker, and thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Is he perfect? No, but he is a great guy.

I know some will think, “If he’s so wonderful, then why am I attracted to this other person?” You’re probably right-there are probably traits in this other man’s character that aren’t in my husband’s that I’m attracted to. Maybe it’s because we always want what we can’t have. I think someone suggested that I like the affirmation this other man gives me, sort of like a father-figure of some sort (yes, he is older than me). I don’t really know. I just know that I am attracted to this person.
Scout :tiphat:

I am glad that you shared this with us. I hope that it has helped you to talk about it and given you some encouragement. I am sure you have felt alone with this burden and sharing it is a way to heal yourself and sort it out in a positive way.

I am sure that your husband is a great guy. I only hope that he recognizes how important this is to you and takes steps to change himself. Your happiness is just as important as his. He should be sensitive and understanding to what you are telling him. Good Luck!!!

 

[Scout]

cove:

I am glad that you shared this with us. I hope that it has helped you to talk about it and given you some encouragement. I am sure you have felt alone with this burden and sharing it is a way to heal yourself and sort it out in a positive way.

I am sure that your husband is a great guy. I only hope that he recognizes how important this is to you and takes steps to change himself. Your happiness is just as important as his. He should be sensitive and understanding to what you are telling him. Good Luck!!!

In some ways, discussing this has helped because I do realize that I’m not the only one who struggles with these issues. However, for the most part, it’s just made me depressed.
But thank you for your encouragement. I can use all I can get right now.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[cove]

Scout:

… However, for the most part, it’s just made me depressed. Scout :tiphat:

I pray that your will soon be a .

All this you are experiencing is just one of those life lessons. It will probably bring you closer to your husband. We soon learn that the grass is not always greener.

Try to see the positive in your “suffering”. Aren’t we taught that good always comes from suffering?

 

[otm]

Scout:

I didn’t decide that you have no insight into human nature. I can respect common sense. I have no problem with that. What upset me was you telling me to seek therapy because you said my head wasn’t on straight.

Perhaps I could have been a little less blunt. I still don’t think you really see any danger in this situation; you appear to see it as something closer to an annoyance - sort of “If I could just figure out how to not be so emotionally attracted to this guy, life would be great” attitude. And at that point, I don’t think you have your head on straight. Naievety can be very charming. It can also be very deadly. That is what I mean by having your head on straight: being able to see the danger in your situation.

Scout:

I know you’ve seen this happen all the time, but believe me when I tell you it’s different when you’re in it yourself.

And I am trying to tell you that that is what most women say when they end up in hot water. It is always different; they are not like “those other women”, that is not what they intend, etc. etc. etc.

If you put a frog in a boiling pot of water, the frog will jump out immediately. If you put a frog in cool water and gradually turn the heat up, the frog will boil to death. You are a frog; if this guy made a move on you early on, you would have bolted. But by staying in this situation, it gradually, oh so gradually, heats up and you’ll end up standing there wondering how this ever happened.

Scout:

However, when emotions are involved it’s difficult to just flip the switch into the “off” position.

That is the point I am trying to make. A book isn’t going to show you how to flip the switch. Emotions run deep, and you’ve been in this situation way too long. Stay in it and you play with fire. Play with it long enough and you will get burned.

Look, the large, if not the vast majority of women who end up in an adulterous affair had no plans to go there. And most of the time it happened very slowly. They met a nice guy. He had some qualities hubby didn’t. There was a little spice in that this guy was “untouchable”. It was just an emotional attraction. They day dreamed about him. They saw mostly only his good side. Things weren’t perfect at home; I mean, after all, nobody has a perfect relationship, right? And things just seemed to be gradually getting more distant at home (of course, it was never their fault).

You seem to have this idea that it is different in your case. It isn’t; that’s what I am trying to tell you. All those other women thought the same thing.

Scout:

This is the only Church I’ve knows since I became a Catholic. Right now, they are the only family I have since most of mine kicked me to the curb when I converted. The idea of packing up and leaving for another parish makes my heart ache.

I’m sorry. Truly, I am. But that doesn’t change anything, or make it different, or less dangerous. If anything, it makes it more dangerous. You have been emotionally skinned by family, the group that is supposed to support you. Your husband may be a nice guy, but he is not exactly gung ho in supporting you either. And here is this great guy, the one you can (and have) imagined being with 24 hours a day.

Are you starting to see the way this has been going? Do you see why a number of us are telling you to get out of the situation? You said it best; you can’t just flip a switch.

You might start by spending a lot more time in prayer; I would suggest that you petition the Father, as what you need is some fatherly advice. You will be rewarded a hundredfold for any sacrifice you make to follow God’s will. And I cannot, for the life of me, see you doing God’s wiil by staying in this situation.

Go read the Gospels again; read Christ’s admonishment about plucking out your eye if it causes you to sin. He isn’t asking you to pluck out an eye, but I do think He is asking you to make a choice, one you see now as very hard. It is hard.

Staying there could make things a whole lot harder.

Scout:

This whole situation makes me very sad.

It makes me sad, too, but for a very different reason.

I’ll pray for you.

 

[Scout]

otm:

And I am trying to tell you that that is what most women say when they end up in hot water. It is always different; they are not like “those other women”, that is not what they intend, etc. etc. etc…

Actually, I do see myself like some other women. A few days ago I didn’t, but knowing I’m not the only one has actually given me some comfort.

otm:

Look, the large, if not the vast majority of women who end up in an adulterous affair had no plans to go there. And most of the time it happened very slowly. They met a nice guy. He had some qualities hubby didn’t. There was a little spice in that this guy was “untouchable”. It was just an emotional attraction. They day dreamed about him. They saw mostly only his good side. Things weren’t perfect at home; I mean, after all, nobody has a perfect relationship, right? And things just seemed to be gradually getting more distant at home (of course, it was never their fault). .

First, things at home are okay. For the most part, I have it pretty well, all things considered. Second, I don’t see mostly only his good side. Believe me, I am well aware of his faults and could name them alphabetically, if need be. He can be arrogant at times. Sometimes he doesn’t take things seriously, and ends up making jokes when he needs to be serious. Those are just a couple. I don’t think he’s Prince Charming.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[rayne89]

otm:

Perhaps I could have been a little less blunt. I still don’t think you really see any danger in this situation; you appear to see it as something closer to an annoyance - sort of “If I could just figure out how to not be so emotionally attracted to this guy, life would be great” attitude. And at that point, I don’t think you have your head on straight. Naievety can be very charming. It can also be very deadly. That is what I mean by having your head on straight: being able to see the danger in your situation.

You’ve already stated your case, can’t you just leave her alone. It’s sounds to me like you only hear the parts of what she says -that you want to hear.

*…my husband is a wonderful man. There’s not a selfish bone in his body. He has no vices or bad habits. He doesn’t lie, isn’t into pornography is anything like that, is a very hard worker, and thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. *How many people can say that about their husband?

Do you not believe her. I’m sure they’re are zillions of men that work with women they find attactive and they don’t all go to bed them. Being a divorce lawyer you should know that people who have good marriages generally don’t go out and have affairs. This might sound sexest but especially women.

It sounds like Scout has somewhat of a “crush” on this guy. She is aware of it and believe it or not some people actually do have self control.

Either way you’ve clearly stated your case, stop trying to “beat” it into her head.

 

[Terry_Fenwick]

Scout:

Hey, everyone. I’m looking for some advice and am hoping someone here can help me with this situation.

I am finding myself emotionally attracted to someone who isn’t my husband. I adore my husband and would never, ever betray his confidence. However, I find myself wanting to be around this other person all the time. This has been going on for several months. I try to stay away from this other person, and just when I think I’m over the emotional attraction, I’m forced to be in a situation with him again and all the emotions come back and slap me in the face. I feel extremely guilty and depressed about the situation.

I’ve prayed about it, but I just don’t know what to do. Has anyone else had this experience? And can anyone give me some advice as to what to do? Thanks for all your help.

Scout :tiphat:

Ohhhhh Bless your dear heart. You did the best thing of all in bringing this into the light - out of the darkness and into the light makes it very little fun for the evil one. Also, look how many people you have to be accountable to now. The Angels and all the Saints and every woman who has read this post! Maybe a few men but they don’t count as much as the women do because they are atttracted for different reasons. (no offense)

I notice that several people have said hardly a woman is not alive who has not had this happen - I am 72 and I am still not safe from this kind of attraction. I think you might want to first say to the Lord, as St. Therese said, “I want to be a Saint!” I think you might want to bite the bullet and talk (a lot) to Mary about this. Tell her to keep you holy - make you Godly. I doubt if she ever had any temptation in this way but she is our Mother and cares for us and our heart and she knows the Lord so well she can help us. I love St. Monica because she had the son St. Augustine who actually lived with a prostitute and had a child out of wedlock and she never gave up on him so she will still pray us homeward bound. Ask her to cry for you when she prays for you!!! She was good at that.

It might be good to find out why this one man is tempting to you because he will appear again in a different person - maybe when you are 40 or 50 or 60 or 70. Ask the Lord to reveal to you why you find this man attractive and then concentrate on his weaknesses because he has them. Perhaps he wears white socks with a dark suit. Smile. It is not funny. The most attractive man I ever met who nearly knocked me over came into his office with white socks on and a dark suit. I was about 50 at the time. Before the white socks event I would have jumped on a horse and gone off into the sunset if he came by and asked me to go. Well, probably not, but who knows?

This is a very serious answer to a very serious question. I mean this. Look for the faults and not the romantic traits. Trust me he has faults. By the way, you might just want to tell your husband that this man is attractive to you for some reason. Do you think you could do that? I am going to pray up a storm on this one. Lord, hear our prayer! Love, Terry Fenwick