Extra marrital affairs & infidelity & guilt

[EasterJoy]

I suspect a seriously unequal power relationship has been at play here and the situation is far more subtle than you are allowing for. Likewise with the get thee to a priest advice. I suggest more immediate human needs require addressing at this stage.

I do feel like he was in a more powerful position than i was. I did look upto him a lot and went to him for advise on any matter. This ofcourse was because he was a very close friend and a responsible person. But when our relationship went futher than friendship he was the one in control and i let him be because he made me feel safe and protected. I did whatever i could to keep him happy and our friendship intact. i just feel like he dint care as much about the way i felt after we started having fights. This behavior of his hurt me a lot.

Talk to your pastor. This is not a problem to navigate on your own. You need some real help. If your pastor is not particularly helpful, in fact, keep looking for a priest or a real professional counsellor to help you, someone who is duty-bound (and under surveillance) to keep your relationship appropriate. You need a place to figure this out this betrayal of a false safety from a vantage point that truly is safe for you. As for wisdom, this is a case where even a doctor would be a fool to treat himself. I don’t care if you have a PhD in family counselling or if you are a certified spiritual counsellor yourself, get outside help!

I think you are going to find in the end that you’ve gained wisdom the hard way. Most of us with any at all gained at least part of it just that way; don’t beat yourself up. (At least, I don’t know any good counsellors who have not rolled their eyes at some point and said, ‘oh, yes, I’ve done something that foolish myself, believe me!’) Even St. Peter had a betrayal on his resume, having committed an offense he swore up and down he’d never commit.

I will warn you, too, that I know someone who had a similar experience with a priest, and found that he’d not only done the same to others, but much worse. Oh, yes, there are people who will swear up and down that you’re special, and they’re lying through their teeth…although to be charitable, I think a few are deceiving themselves in the bargain. A good many of them are hiding on college faculties!

If this guy is in any kind of ministry or is formally in the work of giving spiritual guidance or had a professional relationship with you (like being a professor or teacher or coach), go to whoever is his superior and make a discrete report of what happened between you, so there will be a paper trail in case he’s done it before or ever does it again. In that case, it does not matter that you are the same age or even if you are older than he is. Get guidance about that first, how to do it and who to tell, but you need to do that. If he has a habit of doing this with forgiving women who “will never tell” because they punish themselves for the whole thing, he could form a serial habit that is never stopped. After all the scandals we’ve had in the Church, we know better than to let that happen again without taking steps to stop it where we can. It is not just children who are vulnerable; adults can be very vulnerable at various stages of their lives, too.

 

[underacloud]

UnderACloud
I think speculations about guilt are premature at this stage without more information from the OP. Anyone with experience in counselling knows that the vulnerable in a traumatic relationship issue often assume a level of causal responsibility and guilt that is hardly warranted by circumstances (e.g. children of divorcees, abused children and partners).

I suspect a seriously unequal power relationship has been at play here and the situation is far more subtle than you are allowing for. Likewise with the get thee to a priest advice. I suggest more immediate human needs require addressing at this stage.

We won’t really know until the OP opens up a little more.

Sorry, perhaps I’m a bit more old fashoined, but there is nothing “subtle” about adultery…even if it didn’t reach the level of sex…it’s just plain wrong. There may be unequal power in this relationship/friendship/whatever, but let’s not rob the OP of the power she has in putting an end to it now.

I appreciate what you are saying and there may well be deeper issues at play. But the bottom line…regardless of what other context and considerations there are…is that contact with this man should be cut, to as bare a minimum as the family circumstances allow.

I say “get thee to a priest” because she was having a married man act as her spiritual advisor. That’s the proper role for a priest, not a married man. So yes, I repeat: she needs a proper spiritual advisor, being a priest and confessor.

Of course, a good priest will assist her if a deeper level of counselling is required.

So, first step - cut contact. Second step - talk to a good priest. Third step - seek counselling if needed. That remains my opinion.

 

[EasterJoy]

Sorry, perhaps I’m a bit more old fashoined, but there is nothing “subtle” about adultery…even if it didn’t reach the level of sex…it’s just plain wrong. There may be unequal power in this relationship/friendship/whatever, but let’s not rob the OP of the power she has in putting an end to it now.

I appreciate what you are saying and there may well be deeper issues at play. But the bottom line…regardless of what other context and considerations there are…is that contact with this man should be cut, to as bare a minimum as the family circumstances allow.

I say “get thee to a priest” because she was having a married man act as her spiritual advisor. That’s the proper role for a priest, not a married man. So yes, I repeat: she needs a proper spiritual advisor, being a priest and confessor.

Of course, a good priest will assist her if a deeper level of counselling is required.

So, first step - cut contact. Second step - talk to a good priest. Third step - seek counselling if needed. That remains my opinion.

A married man can be a psychiatrist or a counsellor, but not for a social contact, not even for another guy, let alone a woman. That is just a bad idea. As for the idea that there is nothing “subtle” about being lured into an emotionally-inappropriate relationship, that is not quite true. She has power to end it now, but she may have been far more vulnerable to this than she knew.

There are times when it is impossible to not physically see the person you need to cut contact with, but it is possible to mutually ignore each other by paying attention to people who are more appropriate as close friends. No one is going to think much of that. Again, exactly how to handle this is work to do with a real-life counsellor, in person.

If she’s single, though, this might be a very good time to move away from this circle and strike out in a new direction. Two birds with one stone, as it were. If she only sees him briefly when she comes home for holidays and is awash with other people she needs to catch up with, she’ll do OK.

 

[underacloud]

As for the idea that there is nothing “subtle” about being lured into an emotionally-inappropriate relationship, that is not quite true. She has power to end it now, but she may have been far more vulnerable to this than she knew.

Yes, of course. I merely mean the situation itself now is objectively, clearly, and not subtlely wrong…not necessarily how she got there. The fact that she may have been lured into this by someone abusing, consciously or not, their influence as a spiritual advisor makes it even more important to discontinue contact.

I also believe that ending contact and seeking advice from a good priest and/or counsellor will help her work through her guilt better.

If it seemed that I was suggesting something different than this, I’m sorry I wasn’t clearer.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, of course. I merely mean the situation itself now is objectively, clearly, and not subtlely wrong…not necessarily how she got there. The fact that she may have been lured into this by someone abusing, consciously or not, their influence as a spiritual advisor makes it even more important to discontinue contact.

I also believe that ending contact and seeking advice from a good priest and/or counsellor will help her work through her guilt better.

If it seemed that I was suggesting something different than this, I’m sorry I wasn’t clearer.

Yes. It’s kind of like when you realize that your “great investment opportunity” was a pyramid scheme. As soon as you know better, as soon as you appreciate the situation you’ve gotten yourself into, you are bound to do better. Get out first, then when you are out, you can look at whether or not you are culpable or could have known to avoid the scam or were complicit in some way or that kind of thing.

The OP would do well to put lots of distance between herself and this man. The more subtle question is this: Who is she duty-bound to tell about this? Certainly if he crossed professional boundaries, she needs to tell his superiors. Whether she ought to tell his wife or not, though, is something that I would suggest she discuss with her pastor. That can be a thorny issue, and can depend very much on the nature of the transgressions, the nature of what lead up to the transgressions, and so on. That’s why we have pastors. I suspect he might counsel her to say nothing, but he may hear the whole story and conclude either that she is duty-bound to tell or that she is duty-bound to keep her mouth shut. Those are pastoral waters that are beyond our purview…way beyond. I think it would be good for her to raise the question with her pastor, though.

Whatever she does, though, she needs to leave the “welfare” of this guy alone. That is someone else’s job. For his sake and hers, she needs to keep as far away as possible, and that may be farther than she thinks.

 

[sasha01]

I have read through all the posts. thank you for all the advise. This man was a friend and i did not have any professional relationship with him. He was a spiritual friend and not a professional advisor. I know it would be good to visit a priest and talk about the issue but there isnt anybody i trust enough to disclose information this personal. Telling his wife about what happened is not something i would consider at all. I do not want this to wrech his marriage and our families. We very recently, infact today decided to keep no more contact with each other unless it be important that we speak at times due to famiy ties or other unavoidable circumstances. (This was his initiative) . I agreeded that it would be best if we dint talk to each other much. However i am finding it difficult to completely let go. I still feel bound to him by some emotions (that of friendship or mere comfort and familiarity)

Another question that i have is regarding confession. How exactly do you word the confession of an affair like this one? (What do you tell the priest you are confessing to?) Even though i did go to confession, im not sure i used the right term for my sin.

 

[Blue_Horizon]

Sorry, perhaps I’m a bit more old fashodoined, but there is nothing “subtle” about adultery…even if it didn’t reach the level of sex…it’s just plain wrong.

I think we all know that, most of all Sasha.
UAC my experience suggests that the view/emotion you are expressing comes across as more the “older brother” rather than “old fashioned.”

There may be unequal power in this relationship/friendship/whatever, but let’s not rob the OP of the power she has in putting an end to it now.

By not allowing Sasha to put her unspoken trauma (even if self-inflicted) into words (which is what premature black and white judgements and rescue plans do) we risk robbing her of the very power she needs to to do what you seek.

I appreciate what you are saying and there may well be deeper issues at play. But the bottom line…regardless of what other context and considerations there are…is that contact with this man should be cut, to as bare a minimum as the family circumstances allow.

Again, nobody is disagreeing with you here - though some unhelpful comments have been made on how to “explain” this to the curious.

So, first step - cut contact. Second step - talk to a good priest. Third step - seek counselling if needed. That remains my opinion.

Sasha obviously needs someone she can trust and talk to openly as soon as possible. A Priest is not the first person I would seek in her situation. An experienced older Christian woman she can trust outside of the immediate family circle would in my opinion be best at this stage. Failing that a Priest will have to do re this sort of counselling but chances of finding a “good” one will probably be up to providence.

 

[Blue_Horizon]

This man was a friend and i did not have any professional relationship with him. He was a spiritual friend and not a professional advisor.
Sasha, if one is a young, single, relatively attractive woman then the very last person one seeks informal, regular spiritual direction (or counselling from) is a relatively young male (married or not). Even a middle-aged male could be asking for trouble. Unless it is a professional relationship (with the clearly defined boundaries involved) it is just tempting fate.

**I know it would be good to visit a priest and talk about the issue but there isnt anybody i trust enough to disclose information this personal. **
If you have noone in your personal life you trust enough to talk it through with (outside of the “situation”) then an older Priest is your best bet. He will not be shocked, your now past situation will be “small biccies” to him, I can assure you, if that is the problem. Everybody gets themselves into foolish situations they regret - the healthy thing is to be honest with oneself…which often can only be experientially done by being able to trust and “open up” to others. If you cannot trust an older priest who can you trust? Go to another parish if you are shamed in any way and want to stay relatively anonymous.

Telling his wife about what happened is not something i would consider at all.
Of course not!

We very recently, infact today decided to keep no more contact with each other unless it be important that we speak at times due to famiy ties or other unavoidable circumstances. (This was his initiative)
Of course it was his initiative, he has more to lose. I am sorry if that sounds harsh, he obviously has to choose between his wife (family?) and you. As a young male it will be too difficult for him to remain faithful and at the same time maintain the level of personal intimacy you learnt to rely on.

I agreeded that it would be best if we dint talk to each other much. However i am finding it difficult to completely let go. I still feel bound to him by some emotions (that of friendship or mere comfort and familiarity)
Yes, we all understand this and feel for you. However you also need to keep reminding yourself that his wife has first call on those bindings not you. That is why you need a supportive relationship of trust that you can lean on. (Or a professional counsellor of some sort if that is not possible. This Forum cannot help you all that much in that regard).
(If you think about it, it may have been your lack of support persons that got you into this predicament in the first place. I only point this out to show you how important it is that you work at getting such a support structure in place).

Another question that i have is regarding confession. How exactly do you word the confession of an affair like this one? (What do you tell the priest you are confessing to?) Even though i did go to confession, im not sure i used the right term for my sin.
Sasha I think you are over “externalising” this. You mention you have been to confession re this a couple of times. I am sure God knows thru your priest that you have confessed this and you are forgiven. The real difficulty is no longer what God thinks of you - he loves you - but you are not yet able to “internalise” that reality and make it real. That comes with trust and opening up to others - absolution isn’t external magic. Your coming to this Forum is a great start…but you need to go further as numerous posters here suggest.

 

[sasha01]

Sasha I think you are over “externalising” this. You mention you have been to confession re this a couple of times. I am sure God knows thru your priest that you have confessed this and you are forgiven. The real difficulty is no longer what God thinks of you - he loves you - but you are not yet able to “internalise” that reality and make it real. That comes with trust and opening up to others - absolution isn’t external magic. Your coming to this Forum is a great start…but you need to go further as numerous posters here suggest.

I am finding it really difficult to accept that ive been forgiven. I think its the root cause of all the negative emotions (guilt, shame). I know i have confessed but there are constant doubt that arrise about whether i confessed the right sin, whether i left out something and whether i truely repented before my confession. In theory i know your sins are forgiven once you repent and confess but i havent completely been able to receive the consolation and peace that confession brings. I dont think i have forgiven myself either. I think i need help in this area. I would really like to talk to someone who would understand my situation and who would be able to guide me through it but at the moment all my best options are too closely tied to family. I havent spoken to anybody about it at all for fear of either being judged for what i did or for news of these happenings reaching either of our families.

 

[Blue_Horizon]

**I am finding it really difficult to accept that ive been forgiven. I think its the root cause of all the negative emotions (guilt, shame). **

*You find it difficult to accept you have been forgiven. *OK, lets just tease this apart a little and see if we can make some sense of it. This is not at all unusual - which is why above I suggested friendship/counselling is more important for you at the moment than the sacramental/“spiritual” stuff (see below). In my humble experience it is simplely excessive human isolation that causes this “disconnect” from the power of the Sacraments/spiritual side of Christian life. We know, yet we don’t feel. This is what I was getting at above re having a “support structure in place”. You will be feeling even more isolated at the moment if, as you say, you have noone to talk to to help you “let it all out.” Even a priest not particularly well skilled in counselling can help you “let it all out” and act as a trustworthy listening-post if nothing else. If you ask he will also give some cool-headed advice which you can reflect on to help balance your own decisions/views which may not be reliable given subjective turmoil you are in at the moment.

Your negative emotions of guilt and shame (and I see sorrow) are, to me, excessive given the circumstances you have mentioned so far. I do not think they are the cause of not feeling forgiven. I suggest it is the other way around - you do not feel forgiven because you still need to work through the meaning of your confused feelings.

Moral failure is not bad because of “arbitrary” rules (whether God or society) - it is bad because it causes its own hurt - which is exactly what you are experiencing. God’s “rules” are simply His loving advice that certain activities damage us because He did not make us that way. Most of us, one way or another, end up going past the warning signs occasionally and finding that out for ourselves. This is all that you have naiively done - and to be honest you have pulled back before any great long term damage has been done.

It is always a shock (whether good or bad) when we internalise new knowledge about ourselves and others. It seems you are internalising new knowledge about yourself and your “friend” that is not pleasant - yet you know it to be true. The gaining of self-knowledge is a wonderful thing that can come out of tragedy, sin and pain of all kinds. With greater self-knowledge greater love of God and others becomes possible. The cost is seeing yourself as you truly are, as God sees you. You don’t like what you see - none of us do on these occasions. Yet know that God has always seen you like this - and still loves you. We on this Forum see you, and still accept you! How can we do otherwise, we more mature members have all been, in our own ways, where you are but realise we have been forgiven by God and those who truly love us. That is what it means to be Christian.

**
I know i have confessed but there are constant doubt that arrise about whether i confessed the right sin, whether i left out something and whether i truely repented before my confession. In theory i know your sins are forgiven once you repent and confess but i havent completely been able to receive the consolation and peace that confession brings. ** Sasha this is called mild scrupulosity. It is not uncommon for this to come to the surface in some people when they are really stressed out. A priest will check/reassure you of that if you doubt my words - it is an emotional illusion.

I dont think i have forgiven myself either. I think i need help in this area. I would really like to talk to someone who would understand my situation and who would be able to guide me through it but at the moment all my best options are too closely tied to family. I havent spoken to anybody about it at all for fear of either being judged for what i did or for news of these happenings reaching either of our families.
Again very natural for a younger person - fear of rejection of those who are closest to you.
I suggest this is the main worry you really have at the moment - fear that should THEY find out THEY will not forgive you and reject you.

The advice here, and I agree, seems to be that it is not in your best interests to “confess” to any of your related family members as they appear to have relationships with your “friend” so will likely have strong emotional reactions…and probably will not be able to, themselves, support you in the short term.

However , as I keep stressing, you do need a trusted support person to “vent” to and if the above means it cannot be someone you know then a professional counsellor or Priest appears to be your best choice. You can do it .

 

[underacloud]

Sasha obviously needs someone she can trust and talk to openly as soon as possible. A Priest is not the first person I would seek in her situation. An experienced older Christian woman she can trust outside of the immediate family circle would in my opinion be best at this stage. Failing that a Priest will have to do re this sort of counselling but chances of finding a “good” one will probably be up to providence.

Yes, a trusted friend would be good of course. I just think talking with a priest is crucial at this time to deal with the guilt she experiences and doubts about her confessions. Rather than keep going to confession and wondering if she did it right, I think it would be helpful to make an appointment to discuss the situation, followed by a formal confession if needed…which it may not be, but the chat beforehand will help the priest advise her. As you say, an older priest will have seen it all before and hopefully have some great advice for overcoming the guilt and dealing with the practicalities of the situation.

I still have real concerns that the OP says things like: “i am finding it difficult to completely let go. I still feel bound to him by some emotions”. Are you indicating that you’re finding it hard to let go…which is understandable…or that you’re not ready to let go yet…which is a problem? You can take that as a rhetorical question if you like…something to ponder.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, a trusted friend would be good of course. I just think talking with a priest is crucial at this time to deal with the guilt she experiences and doubts about her confessions. Rather than keep going to confession and wondering if she did it right, I think it would be helpful to make an appointment to discuss the situation, followed by a formal confession if needed…which it may not be, but the chat beforehand will help the priest advise her. As you say, an older priest will have seen it all before and hopefully have some great advice for overcoming the guilt and dealing with the practicalities of the situation.

I still have real concerns that the OP says things like: “i am finding it difficult to completely let go. I still feel bound to him by some emotions”. Are you indicating that you’re finding it hard to let go…which is understandable…or that you’re not ready to let go yet…which is a problem? You can take that as a rhetorical question if you like…something to ponder.

When something sends your world crashing down, you very often go through the stages of grief that you’d go through with a death. You were living some fantasy as if it were real, and that’s dead now. It needs to be dead, OK, but that doesn’t mean that the emotions won’t go through their paces in knitting up the spot that was torn up by rooting out the sin.

On-going counselling would be a very good idea…not with the goal of wallowing in this, but with the goal of transitioning from this to whatever the next thing will be. This is a big turning point, because things will never go back to any of the ways they used to be. Whatever happens, this is a new direction, and there is no going back to any of the old days, whether before this set of incidents or during them. It is time to let go. There is no choice, but that still sometimes takes some help, especially if the process isn’t going to take far longer than it needs to take.

 

[sasha01]

Blue Horizon-
I agree with what you have to say about having someone i can talk to about this matter. I will begin my search from now on however it may take a while till i find someone i can talk to ( i dont want to rush into it and regrect confiding in that person later). Till then i have to find a way to deal with this on my own.
This forum has helped me understand my own problems better and accept the fact that this is a grave matter that needs help and healing (A fact i kept brushing away for a long time for fear of not being able to handle the consequent flood of emotions).
I have come to accept that even a friendship with this man is not possible to maintain. However due certain circumstances as i mentioned earlier it may not be possible to completely cut contact and an occassional exchange of pleasantries may be unavoidable. I wonder though whether years from now ( when i have delt with the matter and moved on completely) it would be necessary to keep this sort of a distance from him with so much caution or whether being on this high alert with him would not be required ( As i know he is going to be a part of my social circle even if on the periphery for years to come).

 

[Blue_Horizon]

Blue Horizon-
I agree with what you have to say about having someone i can talk to about this matter. I will begin my search from now on however it may take a while till i find someone i can talk to ( i dont want to rush into it and regrect confiding in that person later). Till then i have to find a way to deal with this on my own.
This forum has helped me understand my own problems better and accept the fact that this is a grave matter that needs help and healing (A fact i kept brushing away for a long time for fear of not being able to handle the consequent flood of emotions).
I have come to accept that even a friendship with this man is not possible to maintain. However due certain circumstances as i mentioned earlier it may not be possible to completely cut contact and an occassional exchange of pleasantries may be unavoidable. I wonder though whether years from now ( when i have delt with the matter and moved on completely) it would be necessary to keep this sort of a distance from him with so much caution or whether being on this high alert with him would not be required ( As i know he is going to be a part of my social circle even if on the periphery for years to come).

Sounds good Sasha. You will move on, it just takes time, outside friends and discipline (which gets easier). Years from now, when you have a broader range of friends or even a loving partner the question you raise will probably have faded away (at least for you) as the obsession and emotional memories fade (they will if you do not feed them). Like an old injury that has healed you will be fine but remember there may be a weakness there that shouldn’t be tested in the same way again - just in case.
I fully endorse above poster’s observations above about grief/loss. Healing involves going through a range of strong “non christian” emotions directed both outwards and inwards. Don’t beat yourself up but keep in mind these are necessary temporary stepping stones to a better place and you are entitled to transit there for a while .
Take it one day at a time .

 

[sasha01]

Sounds good Sasha. You will move on, it just takes time, outside friends and discipline (which gets easier). Years from now, when you have a broader range of friends or even a loving partner the question you raise will probably have faded away (at least for you) as the obsession and emotional memories fade (they will if you do not feed them). Like an old injury that has healed you will be fine but remember there may be a weakness there that shouldn’t be tested in the same way again - just in case.
I fully endorse above poster’s observations above about grief/loss. Healing involves going through a range of strong “non christian” emotions directed both outwards and inwards. Don’t beat yourself up but keep in mind these are necessary temporary stepping stones to a better place and you are entitled to transit there for a while .
Take it one day at a time.

I hope i recover from this soon. I do feel like this has completely derailed my life but i do believe it isnt the end of it all. My main concern is about getting closer to God again and improving my prayer life (As i know its the best way to piece myself back together and something that is urgently required in my life) I do try to pray everyday but i just dont feel that connection with God while i pray and there is this constant feeing that hes still far from me( or vice versa). Is there anything i could do to about this problem?

 

[EasterJoy]

I hope i recover from this soon. I do feel like this has completely derailed my life but i do believe it isnt the end of it all. My main concern is about getting closer to God again and improving my prayer life (As i know its the best way to piece myself back together and something that is urgently required in my life) I do try to pray everyday but i just dont feel that connection with God while i pray and there is this constant feeing that hes still far from me( or vice versa). Is there anything i could do to about this problem?

Sometimes these awful turning points turn you in the right direction that you never would have had the courage to take otherwise. I like to tell my kids that the Crucifix doesn’t teach us that nothing bad will ever happen to those who are faithful. What it does teach, though, is that God can take the worst thing in the world and make it into the best thing in the world.

Remember these lines from the Easter Vigil Exultet:

*What good would life have been to us,
had Christ not come as our Redeemer?
Father, how wonderful your care for us!
How boundless your merciful love!
To ransom a slave you gave away your Son.

O happy fault,
O necessary sin of Adam,
which gained for us so great a Redeemer!*

There is nothing so awful that God cannot transform it to his glory. He has done it for so many of the saints!

*Then he said to them, “My soul is sorrowful even to death. Remain here and keep watch.” *Mark 14:34 There is no place so lonely or any feeling of abandonment that our Savior has not also been through. If you stay awhile with Him in his Passion, I think you’ll find He will also be with you during yours. Get some counselling, please do that, but consider that time before the Blessed Sacrament or meditating on the Passion may help. (Share this with your spiritual advisor, though. You are very vulnerable right now, and ought to have guidance, lest you go alone where you are not strong enough to go. Do not be too proud to find yourself help.)

Hang in there, and do not be afraid. You have repented, you have turned back to God, you want what God wants… you will be OK.

 

[Blue_Horizon]

I hope i recover from this soon. I do feel like this has completely derailed my life but i do believe it isnt the end of it all. My main concern is about getting closer to God again and improving my prayer life (As i know its the best way to piece myself back together and something that is urgently required in my life) I do try to pray everyday but i just dont feel that connection with God while i pray and there is this constant feeing that hes still far from me( or vice versa). Is there anything i could do to about this problem?

Sasha you will recover but in God’s time not yours.
When we are young our spirituality is invariably shallow in places and events like this, if we have the love imagination and courage, reveal weaknesses God asks us to redress. Someone once said “pain is God’s megaphone.” A little red-necked, yet there is a truth there. Some spiritual areas you might like to reflect on with a priest may be:
(1) If I felt so close to God before how come it turns out my recent actions show otherwise
(2) Now that I don’t feel close to God how come I am repenting and trying to change for the better?
(3) What does getting closer to God really mean? Where does getting closer to myself/others figure in this. Are they the same thing.

The best prayer you will ever offer to God is the one where He isn’t there - a pure offering of yourself without reward.

 

[sasha01]

Thank you all for all the great advice and support.

Something playing on my mind…
Deciding for not to be in constant contact with this man anymore is a very difficult to carry out and i realize that, now that its time it actually has to be carried out. I have a lot of memories with him (good and bad). Before we went all worng, he was a very close friend (and only a friend). I may have moved on from liking him romantically but the emotions and feelings i have for him as a friend i havent been able to let go of. In spite of all thats happened between us (things that i now choose to let go of and memories of which i hope to see fading with passing time) i still do care about him and cant seem to get myself to not feel for him even as a friend. Is this an issue or is it ok that i still do consider him to be a friend? (even though i wont be in touch with him like before).

 

[Lucky7]

I see nothing wrong with calling him a friend, but in reality it’s a friend from afar…and maybe that’s not really a friend. All I see happening is your feelings changing again and you’re back to square one.

One thing I don’t think I have seen posted yet in response to this issue: You need to stay away from your “friend” out of respect for his wife.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you all for all the great advice and support.

Something playing on my mind…
Deciding for not to be in constant contact with this man anymore is a very difficult to carry out and i realize that, now that its time it actually has to be carried out. I have a lot of memories with him (good and bad). Before we went all worng, he was a very close friend (and only a friend). I may have moved on from liking him romantically but the emotions and feelings i have for him as a friend i havent been able to let go of. In spite of all thats happened between us (things that i now choose to let go of and memories of which i hope to see fading with passing time) i still do care about him and cant seem to get myself to not feel for him even as a friend. Is this an issue or is it ok that i still do consider him to be a friend? (even though i wont be in touch with him like before).

Well, if you care about a man, you have to care about his marriage. I have been in a similar position, scaled back one, which is to saying having a friendship with a man that bothered his wife. He’s a great guy, but…friendship over, at least in terms of any one-on-one contact. A friend is not a friend unless a friend to the marriage. I don’t see him except when his wife is around, and I don’t get chummier with him that with anyone else.

Ask God for other friends. Consider this man an old acquaintance, and do not let it get closer than that (in real time or in your mind).