Extra marrital affairs & infidelity & guilt

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sasha01

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I have a lot of questions about what i did and its consequences. I was in a romantic relationship with a married man (I am single). We were friends at first. Neither of us planned on it but it just happened and i dint have the strength at the time to pull myself out of it. even though we dint want our relationship to get physical in any way it eventually did but not to the extent of adultry. When we both realized how wrong we had gone we decided to break it up but we kept going back to our old ways and it took a while before we finally managed to end it (its been 4 months). We are friends even today ( but it itsnt as good a friendship as it used to be) but have no romantic feeling for each other. But i think he has moved on better than i have. I’ve gone to confession, repented for what i did but this incident in my life has shattered me. I’ve lost a friendship i cherished will all my heart and when i think about all that happened i still feel extremely guilty.I still cry about all thats happened and all the wrong that ive done. Has Jesus forgiven me for what ive done? Ive gone to confession more than once but find it very hard to belive that ive been forgiven for such a grave mistake. I know he loves me but i just feel so far from him.

I would be very grateful for any sort of help and advice offered to help me understand and deal with this. I am in great need of all your prayers kindly pray for me. 😦
 
First off, I think you are feeling shame, not guilt. Guilt says, “This is wrong, repent and amend your life.” When you have repented and are reconciled, guilt lets up. Guilt can be satisfied.

Shame says, “What kind of a person does something like that?! What you did is who you are, you can never get past it!” as if the soul previously could have felt reason to feel proud about sins not committed, rather than grateful for the grace that has protected him or her. Shame is a kind of pride, an invitation to despair, and a barrier to the penetration of mercy and grace. It is ardently to be avoided.

You have also let yourself become attached to someone you cannot have, and now you have to let go of that. You have reason to grieve the pain of your bad decision, that is probably something that is not to be helped, but you do have to renounce the temptation to covet someone else’s husband. The pain is a temporal result of sin, the struggle with covetousness part of the price of amendment. The pain is not something to be ashamed of, but it ought not be something you wallow in as a self-indulgence, either. Your struggle with the sin of covetousness will, I think, be easier when you see it for what it is, and renounce the evil one’s efforts.

Make an appointment to talk to your pastor outside of confession. After talking to you in more detail, he may have suggestions for how to amend, return to interior peace, and avoid a repeat of anything like this. He may have some guidance regarding how you can decide whether you would benefit from professional counselling, as well. That is an option worth consideration.
 
I would also recommend ending this friendship entirely. That might be part of what is keeping this alive for you. As long as you have ANY relationship with this man, there is the possibility of your going back to your old ways. After all, you did that one before, according to your own post. Cutting off ALL contact with him will help you to get past this sin and truly accept the forgiveness of Christ.

We are, after all, to avoid the near occasion of sin, and this man is quite clearly a near occasion of sin for you. Avoid him.
 
Sillara said:
I would also recommend ending this friendship entirely. That might be part of what is keeping this alive for you. As long as you have ANY relationship with this man, there is the possibility of your going back to your old ways. After all, you did that one before, according to your own post. Cutting off ALL contact with him will help you to get past this sin and truly accept the forgiveness of Christ.

We are, after all, to avoid the near occasion of sin, and this man is quite clearly a near occasion of sin for you. Avoid him.
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This is good advice. Make other friends, get on with your life, and pointedly let him go to have his own life. Better to work for when you are both perfected and can be friends like the angels…that is, in eternal life. Until then, let his wife be his friend. You be her friend, too, and stay as far from him as possible. If you cannot help but have contact, make it cordial, sure, just like anyone else, but be as brief, prefunctory, and non-engaging as possible.

When contact is unavoidable, he ought not be treated as more than an acquaintance. When it is avoidable, avoid it. Your future is with others, and so is his. You will feel more as if you are honoring your purpose of amendment, too.
 
Hi,
I am sure Jesus in his infinite Love has already forgiven you but it may be a long time before you can forgive yourself. You have already taken responsibility for the damage that you have done and only time will heal the pain. I will keep you in my prayers.
 
sasha01 said:
. even though we dint want our relationship to get physical in any way it eventually did but not to the extent of adultry. 😦
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This stuck out at me. Any romantic relationship with a married man is adultery, not just sex. I think maybe that misconception is part of why it went further than you wanted and part of why you are having trouble letting go. The best thing to do is to stay away from him completely, as other posters have already said. It doesn’t work well to say, “We’ll it’s not really a date, we’re just going to a party.” Because then it turns into, “We’ll it’s not really a date, we’re just getting some coffee and talking.” Then of course, it turns into constant phone calls and texts and you getting way too involved in his difficulties with his marriage and that’s how the cycle starts. All of it is inapproriate and it isn’t any good for him and especially for you. The best thing to do is stop beating yourself up over it and avoid any contact with the guy at least until things cool down.
 
Leave him for good. Praise God for giving you
A way out that does not involve lawyers/custody

Don’t email or talk to him.

I had to do this with a guy at my work. He constantly texts/emails while I am married.
You have a choice.
 
You’ll get over him if you stop seeing him. Also, you will not be reminded of your sin if he isn’t around. The affair will eventually become a distant memory. As for friendship, you can never return to that anyway. I could never understand this ‘let’s be friends after a relationship’ thing. It doesn’t work in most cases, especially if the ‘friend’ happens to be married.

Be strong. Get on with your life. You made a mistake but managed to get back on the right path. Don’t waste your precious time on this story, it isn’t worth it.
 
I am very grateful for all your advise and understand how cutting contact with him would help me forget the past and move on. However our families are very close and hence we do end up talking to each other a few times a week and completely cutting contact is very difficult to do without our families knowing about the issues between us (wich would be disasterous for the both of us). I would like to know what i could do in such a situation. Before things went wrong we spent a lot of time together in prayer as friends and he was my spiritual advisor. I had grown a lot in faith during that time but it all came crashing down with what went wrong. I am also now afraid that im living in sin in spite of my confession and that lust has entered me. Im pretty lost at the moment and dont have anybody i trust enough to confide in. I need help 😦
 
sasha01 said:
I am very grateful for all your advise and understand how cutting contact with him would help me forget the past and move on. However our families are very close and hence we do end up talking to each other a few times a week and completely cutting contact is very difficult to do without our families knowing about the issues between us (wich would be disasterous for the both of us). I would like to know what i could do in such a situation. Before things went wrong we spent a lot of time together in prayer as friends and he was my spiritual advisor. I had grown a lot in faith during that time but it all came crashing down with what went wrong. I am also now afraid that im living in sin in spite of my confession and that lust has entered me. Im pretty lost at the moment and dont have anybody i trust enough to confide in. I need help 😦
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Find an Spiritual Director. Talk with your Parish Priest. You need to cut contact with him. You don’t need to tell these to your families if you know it will get them to poke around because of curiosity. Just be honest by saying, oh we don’t hang out as much anymore, because our interests have drifted. In fact, they did. Both of you are interested in SALVATION, and not living in sin.

Realize also that you feel low, because you want to go back to those sinful moments that you enjoyed, but don’t let yourself be deceived. You are going the right path. It is just that the right path is that of separation from him, and seeking a stronger union with God.
 
This complicates matters a bit. Since you can’t avoid him completely, perhaps you could only see him when your families are socialising. In this way other people will be present and you can easily avoid being alone with him. They will probably notice something is going on and you can say that you find it inappropriate to spend time alone with a married man. End of story. Repeat until they stop asking questions.
 
Allegra said:
This stuck out at me. Any romantic relationship with a married man is adultery, not just sex. I think maybe that misconception is part of why it went further than you wanted and part of why you are having trouble letting go. The best thing to do is to stay away from him completely, as other posters have already said. It doesn’t work well to say, “We’ll it’s not really a date, we’re just going to a party.” Because then it turns into, “We’ll it’s not really a date, we’re just getting some coffee and talking.” Then of course, it turns into constant phone calls and texts and you getting way too involved in his difficulties with his marriage and that’s how the cycle starts. All of it is inapproriate and it isn’t any good for him and especially for you. The best thing to do is stop beating yourself up over it and avoid any contact with the guy at least until things cool down.
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Actually, during Old Testament times only married women were considered Adultry because women were concidered property of the husband. Married men were allowed to have as many single women as they could afford the dowery. Remember that single women in those days were property of the father.

The Christians changed all that, but the natural tendency is still there. Only God can judge two people who fall in love.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
This complicates matters a bit. Since you can’t avoid him completely, perhaps you could only see him when your families are socialising. In this way other people will be present and you can easily avoid being alone with him. They will probably notice something is going on and you can say that you find it inappropriate to spend time alone with a married man. End of story. Repeat until they stop asking questions.
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I suggest not…if you’ve been spending time alone with the guy for years and you suddenly start saying this…its pretty obvious what has happened - and I am a male who isn’t supposed to be sensitive to these subtleties!
 
sasha01 said:
I have a lot of questions about what i did and its consequences.(
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I was in a romantic relationship with a married man (I am single). We were friends at first. Neither of us planned on it but it just happened and i dint have the strength at the time to pull myself out of it. even though we dint want our relationship to get physical in any way it eventually did but not to the extent of adultry.

Hello Sasha
Not quite sure what you are saying - it didn’t involve actual sex (but got pretty close) is what I am assuming?

Intuition tells me, from your pain, you already know it doesn’t matter - when it gets this close adultery was probably already in your heart?

May I ask your respective ages, he sounds significantly more worldly and controlling of the situation than yourself?

**When we both realized how wrong we had gone we decided to break it up but we kept going back to our old ways and it took a while before we finally managed to end it (its been 4 months). **

Well done, you are a human being. Only angels make decisions in an instant for all time with full strength of will and future foresight of all ramifications. We on the other hand move forward slowly, 1 step back for every 2 forward. It will always be a battle so don’t relax the reigns, but with time it gets easier.

We are friends even today ( but it itsnt as good a friendship as it used to be) but have no romantic feeling for each other. But i think he has moved on better than i have.
Did you really have romantic feelings? Did he?
Why isn’t the friendship as good (is the distance from you or him?)
He has moved on better…hmmmn. This disturbs me. It means he was not as “into it” as you were from the get go and therefore had greater responsibility to keep things in check (quite apart from being the married one) but didn’t.
Who actually made the first move to break things off?

** I’ve gone to confession, repented for what i did but this incident in my life has shattered me. I’ve lost a friendship i cherished will all my heart and when i think about all that happened i still feel extremely guilty.I still cry about all thats happened and all the wrong that ive done. Has Jesus forgiven me for what ive done? Ive gone to confession more than once but find it very hard to belive that ive been forgiven for such a grave mistake. I know he loves me but i just feel so far from him.**

I wouldn’t want to comment on this until I understand better re above.
Despite what others above have said there may be some genuine sorrow you are working through here as well. its very confusing isn’t it! Just take it one day at a time and don’t beat yourself up too much. It sounds like you need a good woman friend whose shoulder you can cry on - do you have one?

And as others have suggested, for safety, do make sure other persons are present when you are together.
 
sasha01 said:
I am very grateful for all your advise and understand how cutting contact with him would help me forget the past and move on. However our families are very close and hence we do end up talking to each other a few times a week and completely cutting contact is very difficult to do without our families knowing about the issues between us (wich would be disasterous for the both of us). I would like to know what i could do in such a situation. Before things went wrong we spent a lot of time together in prayer as friends and he was my spiritual advisor. I had grown a lot in faith during that time but it all came crashing down with what went wrong. I am also now afraid that im living in sin in spite of my confession and that lust has entered me. Im pretty lost at the moment and dont have anybody i trust enough to confide in. I need help 😦
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He was your spiritual advisor?!? Not a spiritual friend, but a spiritual advisor? Oh, my word. In that case, that was a terrible abuse of his position…totally inappropriate. This is only one reason why spiritual advisors will so rarely advise those with whom they socialize. It is kind of like being a psychiatrist; your clients are very vulnerable.

But never mind about that. This is not about what he ought to have done, but how you can move forward. Make an appointment and talk to your pastor. You need someone entirely discrete to talk to about this, and perhaps a real professional spiritual advisor, someone who knows how to keep that relationship appropriately.
 
EasterJoy said:
He was your spiritual advisor?!? Not a spiritual friend, but a spiritual advisor? Oh, my word. In that case, that was a terrible abuse of his position…totally inappropriate. This is only one reason why spiritual advisors will so rarely advise those with whom they socialize. It is kind of like being a psychiatrist; your clients are very vulnerable.

But never mind about that. This is not about what he ought to have done, but how you can move forward. Make an appointment and talk to your pastor. You need someone entirely discrete to talk to about this, and perhaps a real professional spiritual advisor, someone who knows how to keep that relationship appropriately.
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Yes, you need a proper spiritual advisor…a priest and confessor…not a friend. You need to discuss this openly with a priest and be prepared to be obedient to their advice.

It seems…and sorry if I’m being unkind…that you have found good excuses not to cut contact, even though you know it is the right thing to do. Whether your families are close or not, it is not inconcievable that you two merely drifted apart and found your interests to have diverged, as other posters have suggested. You need to adopt this outlook…it is essentially true. Avoid being around him, and when you are around him be polite but impersonal. Make yourself busy at family functions and it will be less likely that people will notice anything between the two of you being different. Start to take more interest in other family members and simply seem to drift into other friendships. It is a natural part of life that we find less and less in common with some friends and grow more distant, and more and more in common with others and grow closer. In your case, it will be a conscious choice, but an entirely valid one.

Regardig your guilt…you are forgiven via your confession, but perhaps your guilt remains because you find it hard to let go of him. Until you let go and decide to have as little to do with him as possible, I doubt your guilt will lift. I think holding on to any level of attachement to him (emotional, even friendship) is damaging and will remain a potential source of guilt for you…not to mention a near occasion of sin.
 
underacloud said:
Yes, you need a proper spiritual advisor…a priest and confessor…not a friend. You need to discuss this openly with a priest and be prepared to be obedient to their advice.

It seems…and sorry if I’m being unkind…that you have found good excuses not to cut contact, even though you know it is the right thing to do. Whether your families are close or not, it is not inconcievable that you two merely drifted apart and found your interests to have diverged, as other posters have suggested. You need to adopt this outlook…it is essentially true. Avoid being around him, and when you are around him be polite but impersonal. Make yourself busy at family functions and it will be less likely that people will notice anything between the two of you being different. Start to take more interest in other family members and simply seem to drift into other friendships. It is a natural part of life that we find less and less in common with some friends and grow more distant, and more and more in common with others and grow closer. In your case, it will be a conscious choice, but an entirely valid one.

Regarding your guilt…you are forgiven via your confession, but perhaps your guilt remains because you find it hard to let go of him. Until you let go and decide to have as little to do with him as possible, I doubt your guilt will lift. I think holding on to any level of attachement to him (emotional, even friendship) is damaging and will remain a potential source of guilt for you…not to mention a near occasion of sin.
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UnderACloud
I think speculations about guilt are premature at this stage without more information from the OP. Anyone with experience in counselling knows that the vulnerable in a traumatic relationship issue often assume a level of causal responsibility and guilt that is hardly warranted by circumstances (e.g. children of divorcees, abused children and partners).

I suspect a seriously unequal power relationship has been at play here and the situation is far more subtle than you are allowing for. Likewise with the get thee to a priest advice. I suggest more immediate human needs require addressing at this stage.

We won’t really know until the OP opens up a little more.
 
Blue_Horizon said:
I was in a romantic relationship with a married man (I am single). We were friends at first. Neither of us planned on it but it just happened and i dint have the strength at the time to pull myself out of it. even though we dint want our relationship to get physical in any way it eventually did but not to the extent of adultry.

Hello Sasha
Not quite sure what you are saying - it didn’t involve actual sex (but got pretty close) is what I am assuming?

Intuition tells me, from your pain, you already know it doesn’t matter - when it gets this close adultery was probably already in your heart?

I dint really have any intentions of seeling with him and as far as i know from what he told me, he didnt either. we spent a lot of time alone and did get intimate.

May I ask your respective ages, he sounds significantly more worldly and controlling of the situation than yourself?

He is much older than i am. im 20 and he is 30.

We are friends even today ( but it itsnt as good a friendship as it used to be) but have no romantic feeling for each other. But i think he has moved on better than i have.
Did you really have romantic feelings? Did he?
Why isn’t the friendship as good (is the distance from you or him?)
He has moved on better…hmmmn. This disturbs me. It means he was not as “into it” as you were from the get go and therefore had greater responsibility to keep things in check (quite apart from being the married one) but didn’t.
Who actually made the first move to break things off?

I did have romantic feelings for him and he did as well. The friendship isnt as good anymore because falling back into our old ways even after we decided to break things up led to a lot of fights between us. He did make the first step to break things off even though the decision was a mutual one. I felt like it was much easier for him to stay away from me and not talk to me than it was for myself. He gave up on the friendship sooner than i did as well.

** I’ve gone to confession, repented for what i did but this incident in my life has shattered me. I’ve lost a friendship i cherished will all my heart and when i think about all that happened i still feel extremely guilty.I still cry about all thats happened and all the wrong that ive done. Has Jesus forgiven me for what ive done? Ive gone to confession more than once but find it very hard to belive that ive been forgiven for such a grave mistake. I know he loves me but i just feel so far from him.**

I wouldn’t want to comment on this until I understand better re above.
Despite what others above have said there may be some genuine sorrow you are working through here as well. its very confusing isn’t it! Just take it one day at a time and don’t beat yourself up too much. It sounds like you need a good woman friend whose shoulder you can cry on - do you have one?

There is a lot of sorrow and remose maily over doing something so wrong in the eyes of God and for having offended him. I havent told even my closest female friend about any of this. I therefore need really good and genuine advice from people who can help.
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I suspect a seriously unequal power relationship has been at play here and the situation is far more subtle than you are allowing for. Likewise with the get thee to a priest advice. I suggest more immediate human needs require addressing at this stage.

I do feel like he was in a more powerful position than i was. I did look upto him a lot and went to him for advise on any matter. This ofcourse was because he was a very close friend and a responsible person. But when our relationship went futher than friendship he was the one in control and i let him be because he made me feel safe and protected. I did whatever i could to keep him happy and our friendship intact. i just feel like he dint care as much about the way i felt after we started having fights. This behavior of his hurt me a lot.
 
You need to get away from him. It does not matter if your families are friends. You need to get away and stay away. I agree with the previous poster who recommended saying, “It’s improper for me to spend so much time alone with a married man.”

If that leads to suspicions of improper behavior, well, there WAS adultery.

Your soul–and his–are more valuable than any temporal consideration.

Get away from him.
 
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