Extra marrital affairs & infidelity & guilt

[Mayita30]

In your previous post you have said that you have repented, have confessed but I think what you lack is Penance and I think your penance which you have a hard time fulfiiling is really having no communication with this guy. If you continue communicating with this guy then I don´t think you have truly repented with the sin of adultery. Please cut this put completely. He is just using you. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS. YOU DESERVER TO BE HAPPY. You have the power to control your life, don´t let anyone control yours.

 

[Sillara]

I dint think id fall again after the fast few times. but just today we ended up meeting(with no wrong intentions in mind) and falling right back into old ways. i feel like such a failure. i did things i dint want to do. not because i was tempted but beause i couldnt resist the pressure from him. i cant believe what ive just done. i dont know how im going to ever get back to living a pure life. i cant face my God anymore. i sure im forsaken now.

You need to stay away from this man completely. Entirely. Altogether. You feel that you cannot face God anymore because you are falling down on the words of the act of contrition–avoiding the near occasion of sin. You keep contacting this man. No contact, however innocent you might think it, is anything other than a near occasion of sin. You are not only not fleeing temptation, you are actively courting it.

If once you start showing your repentance by NEVER CONTACTING this man EVER AGAIN, then you will be able to accept God’s grace and forgiveness.

 

[sasha01]

i feel horrible about not being able to say no. a part of me feels dead. i wantto go to confession but i dont think im going to be forgiven this time for such a grave mortal sin.

 

[Sillara]

i feel horrible about not being able to say no. a part of me feels dead. i wantto go to confession but i dont think im going to be forgiven this time for such a grave mortal sin.

We can always be forgiven, provided we are repentant. Use this horrible feeling you have now to keep from meeting him or speaking to him. EVER.

In some of your previous posts you have written that he is a family friend, and you have used that as a reason to continue to have some interaction with him. You are well beyond that at this point. There is NO way for you to have ANY relationship with him. AT ALL.

Please listen. Go to Confession. Then, never, ever, ever meet this man again. Do not speak with him. Do not text him. NOTHING. Worry about your reputation (or his) or what his wife will think should not even be a concern at this point. Just do what you must to avoid sin. AVOID THIS MAN. Completely. Entirely. PERMANENTLY.

 

[Mayita30]

I totally agree with Sillara. The more you talk with him or spend time with him, you are still committing adultery and you are hurting or breaking up a family. You do not deserve this kind of life. You deserve so much more. You deserve a good , single man who will be available to care and love you full time and make it known to public through a formal and sacramental commitmen. You have your whole life ahead of you so please use your head not your heart. He is not worth. He is not a good man. Don’t even look or speak to him. No responsible or good man would put his family in this kind of situation.

 

[sasha01]

i will do everythig i can to avoind contact with him but what to i do with myself? ive sinned so gravely again and so desperately want to get out of this. i want to be forgiven but dont have the confidence to go to confession because i dont know if i am repentant. im scared i wont be forgiven.

 

[Mayita30]

You cannot change the past . All you can do is change your present and future. You should cut all communication with this man. Change phone numbers. You should not even say hi or talk to him. Cut him out completely to be able to erase your sin of adultery. Remember that there is no good that will come out if you still sre in contact. You deserve better

 

[Patavium]

God says if your eye leads you to sin… if your hand leads you to sin… You need to be radical, and act now. God bless your paths, and guide you towards Him.

 

[bonvivantHermit]

I’d be worried my PHYSICAL health if I were you- he sounds like a player and that means you are one of a few if not many. You are acting under the spell of one-of-a-kind-love he’s bored with one woman and wants to get whatever he can. I can’t think of one happy marriage that developed by breaking up another.

You are in thrall to this loser. To get better you have no choice but to go NO CONTACT.
I know the very thought is unthinkable, you need him, can’t imagine never seeing him again…it’s the addiction speaking. How do you feel with him, without him? Like hell?
That’s a sign…

The very first and most important step is to never, ever see him again- repeat every day and one day you will realize what a lie the entire relationship was.

And then one day you will find LOVE.

 

[sasha01]

There seems to be a bit of a misunderstanding.Even though in the past i may have been lustful (willing), this time I wasnt completely willing and concenting to getting physical with him. I dint want to do it, i dint enjoy it ,but just couldnt resist his pressure and say no, probably fearing what would follow my refusal.

 

[Sillara]

There seems to be a bit of a misunderstanding.Even though in the past i may have been lustful (willing), this time I wasnt completely willing and concenting to getting physical with him. I dint want to do it, i dint enjoy it ,but just couldnt resist his pressure and say no, probably fearing what would follow my refusal.

The point I, and I think some of the others, am trying to make is that you consented to SPEND TIME WITH HIM. Not only that, you were ALONE with him.

Avoid him. Do not speak to him ever, EVER again.

 

[Blue_Horizon]

There seems to be a bit of a misunderstanding.Even though in the past i may have been lustful (willing), this time I wasnt completely willing and concenting to getting physical with him. I dint want to do it, i dint enjoy it ,but just couldnt resist his pressure and say no, probably fearing what would follow my refusal.

"probably fearing what would follow my refusal…"
Sasha we gain strength by first looking at our fears openly.
You were nowhere near this point 3 months ago.

Back then you were not able to admit it wasn’t all your fault, that your lover wasn’t an innocent god. Now it seems you can (“he pressured me”). This means, sub-consciously, you have gained some strength and insight.
Back then you said nothing about the dark note you now hint at above.
Now you admit a shadow is in your peripheral consciousness.

You are, in my eyes, progressing (despite apparant evidence to the contrary).
So maybe its time to complete this sentence that you have so pregnantly refrained from doing above. To name something we have been refusing to look at face to face is the beginning of self-mastery. It looks like you may be ready to do a little now…

 

[sasha01]

"probably fearing what would follow my refusal…"
Sasha we gain strength by first looking at our fears openly.
You were nowhere near this point 3 months ago.

Back then you were not able to admit it wasn’t all your fault, that your lover wasn’t an innocent god. Now it seems you can (“he pressured me”). This means, sub-consciously, you have gained some strength and insight.
Back then you said nothing about the dark note you now hint at above.
Now you admit a shadow is in your peripheral consciousness.

You are, in my eyes, progressing (despite apparant evidence to the contrary).
So maybe its time to complete this sentence that you have so pregnantly refrained from doing above. To name something we have been refusing to look at face to face is the beginning of self-mastery. It looks like you may be ready to do a little now…

I hope i have grown stronger over time. Looking back i do see why i may have done certain things despite not really wanting to engage in them. I know what i was afraid of- that i would’nt have his approval if i dint, that i’d ‘lose’ him. And i dont want to have that sort of emotional dependence on anybody ever again.

 

[Blue_Horizon]

I hope i have grown stronger over time. Looking back i do see why i may have done certain things despite not really wanting to engage in them. I know what i was afraid of- that i would’nt have his approval if i dint, that i’d ‘lose’ him. And i dont want to have that sort of emotional dependence on anybody ever again.

Sasha if he pressures you (ever so nicely of course) for sex then you have already lost him haven’t you? If he won’t actively see and respect your deepest wishes then he doesn’t really see YOU (let alone his own wife) does he?

You are showing deeper insight above wrt yourself and your own excessive attachments/needs (which of course cause moral blindness when not understood/recognised). Excessive emotional dependence appears to be your own personal achillees heel that you will have to be very mindful of for a long time to come.
We all have flaws but it is wonderful that you have discovered yours so early in life. Now you can start developing the particular strategies and discipline needed to do battle with your weakness which will ensure future peace and avoid ongoing repeated suffering. 70% of people prob never get to where you are even in middle age .

Be careful not to over-compensate in the other direction though. Being too independent is a vice also! Virtue lies in the “middle way.”
Emotional dependence is not a vice in children, nor is it uncommon in young women. Your dependence would have gone unnoticed in a married relationship which is the usual “safe” environment for us to grow more “inter-dependent” and mature. Just don’t pick a guy who is looking for a daughter-figure to protect (this will be your weakness)…he won’t be able to handle it when, one day, you will blossom .

 

[hannajomar]

Sasha, if you haven’t been to confession yet, I recommend you read and meditate on the prodigal son. Nothing gives Jesus greater joy than forgiving sins! especially sins that we feel are the worst. I’ve emphasized the parts that remind me of your story -

Luke 15:11-32
New International Version (NIV)
The Parable of the Lost Son
11 Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.
13 “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
17 “** When he came to his senses**, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father.
“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’
22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate. :extrahappy: :extrahappy: :extrahappy:
25 “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27 ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’
28 “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’
31 “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

I believe you have come to your senses. I read this whole thread for the first time today, and I read of a woman who was taken advantage of by a predator in a position of power. You did not realize it before, but you seem to realize it now. You might feel as though you don’t deserve forgiveness. It’s true you don’t, and none of us deserves forgiveness for any of our sins. But Jesus forgives us anyway because He wants to. Nothing would make Him more happy than for you to go to confession and be in HIS ARMS again. You might not have full culpability in this, but confess for whatever part of this you are responsible for.

I have a few questions:
How old is he and how old are you?
Is this man employed by the Church, or does he volunteer for the Church? If so, they need to be informed of this. No matter what your age is, he is a predator who took advantage of you, and I’m sure you are not the only woman he has done this to.
Do you now realize that you can have NO contact with this man, no matter what the intentions of that contact are?

I wish you Holy Peace, and I hope you continue to post updates. My heart truly goes out to you. :hug3:

 

[Blue_Horizon]

Sasha, if you haven’t been to confession yet, I recommend you read and meditate on the prodigal son. Nothing gives Jesus greater joy than forgiving sins! especially sins that we feel are the worst. I’ve emphasized the parts that remind me of your story -

I believe you have come to your senses. I read this whole thread for the first time today, and I read of a woman who was taken advantage of by a predator in a position of power. You did not realize it before, but you seem to realize it now. You might feel as though you don’t deserve forgiveness. It’s true you don’t, and none of us deserves forgiveness for any of our sins. But Jesus forgives us anyway because He wants to. Nothing would make Him more happy than for you to go to confession and be in HIS ARMS again. You might not have full culpability in this, but confess for whatever part of this you are responsible for.

I have a few questions:
How old is he and how old are you?
Is this man employed by the Church, or does he volunteer for the Church? If so, they need to be informed of this. No matter what your age is, he is a predator who took advantage of you, and I’m sure you are not the only woman he has done this to.
Do you now realize that you can have NO contact with this man, no matter what the intentions of that contact are?

I wish you Holy Peace, and I hope you continue to post updates. My heart truly goes out to you. :hug3:

HJ while an unequal power relationship has been at play here it does not seem helpful to prematurely judge the situation with words like “predator” when details are not known to us outside observers. Sasha is the only person in a position to know all the facts and she has not made that call.

It is all too easy for “moral” outsiders to see things in black and white and so demonise one party. But the world is usually grey. By demonising the “other” party you are tempting Sacha to short-circuit her own natural repentance path as well as suggesting there was absolutely nothing good in the relationship at all (which Sacha may well disagree with. Sasha obviously saw something good in the relationship - and probably still sees some good things there and rightly so).

People are complex, seeing both the good and the bad in them (and treating them accordingly) takes great maturity. Demonising the “other” is a cop-out on the path to maturity.

Re your advice of “absolutely no contact” is ideal but not possible from what Sasha has mentioned numerous times as he appears to be a local brother-in-law or something similar. To do so would draw attention to this issue which is the last thing needed at this stage. Obviously Sasha should avoid/ignore any private conversation/moments with him, always leave doors open if “caught” and, if “pressured”, slap him and walk away angrily in the presence or earshot of others if necessary.

 

[hannajomar]

I stand behind what I’ve written. I used the word “predator” to illustrate to Sasha that he is not her friend, and does not behave as a friend behaves. It is a strong word, but she needs to not give this guy an inch. Focusing on the good aspects of his character will only get her into the same situation again and again and again. I also want to bring up the fact that there is a high chance he has done this to other women, or is currently doing this to other women.

 

[CatholicRaven]

Sasha,
From now on, any meetings that are supposedly “innocent” should always be in the presence of others–even better if they are only ever at family functions in a group, with his wife present. Friends do not need to be alone with each other to remain friends. You do not ever, ever, need to be in a car, kitchen, or (God forbid) bedroom alone with him.

If you are tempted to meet with him, call his wife and casually mention that you’re meeting with her husband, or call a friend to take along with you to the meeting. If you cannot do either of those, then you KNOW in your heart the meeting is not truly “innocent” and you should avoid that meeting at all costs–besides, you’re going to be too busy, right? You need to go pick up some flowers and take them to a retirement home and visit the residents, or volunteer at your church, or work at a soup kitchen, or help at an animal shelter, or something else more important than meeting with him.

If he’s pressuring you to meet alone with him, hang up on him–true friends don’t push you into sin. Block his texts and emails; friends don’t really need these things, and they are too easy to hide, so they become tools for sin in a situation like yours.

And if you ever somehow end up alone with him again, picture his wife in your mind and how she would feel if she saw what you were doing, and pray to St. Michael the Archangel and/or to your guardian angel to help you get out of there ASAP. They will help you if you ask!

You need to tell a friend about this who can help you through it, even better if they can help you back it up with action. Someone who will stand up to him for you when you can’t. (You don’t happen to live anywhere near NW Missouri / NE Kansas, do you?)

 

[sasha01]

I agree with a lot of what you’ll have said and dont with some (Of course thats because the details are’nt as clear to you’ll as it is to me). I dont think i’m an innocent victim who was just taken advantage of (even though it was the case many a time) and i also cant say hes a very bad person. I’m 21 and he is twelve years older. Neither of us started of with the intention of falling into what we eventually landed in. In fact we started of with the most pure intentions at heart and always thought it would remain that way. But we had our own weaknesses (mine was emotional and his something else). I realized the devil never leaves an opportunity to play on our weaknesses and thats exactly what happened with us (looking back its all so clear that it makes me feel so stupid knowing that i dint realize it back then)…But whats happened i cannot change now.
I know he is a great person who is just weak in certain areas just like everybody else and i also know that he is sorry for what he did and i am as well. (im not defending him at all, just laying down the facts of what i know from what i’ve been told and what i’ve seen in the past). I did cherish our friendship and i still have a lot of good memories from before things got bad but i guess memories is all i’l have now because everything good that there was in that friendship is burried very deep, at least for now and a while to come.
Yes i wont be able to never see him ever again in my life since circumstances wont permit that. I will have to see him soon but i wont be alone with him. It will be in the presence of family or friends. I know he wont ever try to do anything again (Its not like he tried to rape me in the past either) but i dont ever want to let my guard down.

On the other hand, if i wasnt so weak emotionally and so attached to him, if it wasnt the subtle pressure or convincing from him, i wouldnt have done a lot of what i did. I slowing gave into all his demands because i was so afriad of him rejecting me, so afraid that he would pick a fight and then just not talk to me. I couldnt imagine not having him in my life.
Now however i have cut contact with him. Its taken a lot time and hitting rock bottom to get to this point but i’ve done it. Of course its not a cake walk and everyday is a struggle but im determined to get back to living a pure life.

This emotional ‘handicapt’ that i have has been a huge reason for so many of the mistakes i have made and the turmoil i’ve gone thorugh in the past and has played a huge part even this time. It scares me to think about what could possibly happen next in my life. I know this problem needs to be fixed but i just done know what to do about it other than lift it up to the Lord in prayer.

Yes, have gone to confession. It was something i did as soon as i could after the incident but i struggle with believing im forgiven becuse ive been to confession for the same or similar reasons so many times that sometimes i doubt the sincerity of my repentance and then inturn whether i’m forgiven.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

12 years older than you…you are 21…He was definitely a predator. Sorry but that’s just the truth. No one starts going after someone 12 years their junior unless there’s something seriously wrong with him/her. Hard to admit, hard to see that person in that light, but that’s the cold, stark truth.