Extra marrital affairs & infidelity & guilt

[hannajomar]

I would recommend coming up with some concrete ways to not end up alone with him. For example, when I was younger my girlfriends and I would help each other to stay away from guys we knew were bad news. In college, a boy was coming to visit my dorm. I asked my roommate to please don’t leave the room when he’s there because I didn’t trust myself. There was a boy who always followed her around at parties, so I kind of became her bouncer so he wouldn’t bother her too much.

I strongly recommend finding someone in your circle to confide in. Someone you can truly trust. You don’t need to disclose everything that happened if you don’t want. But it would help you if you could tell this person, “I struggle with feelings against chastity when I’m around him. Could you help me to not be alone with him?” A true friend will not be invasive, and will help you with your struggle while being completely discrete. If they want you to explain more, you can tell her you would rather not discuss it, but are still asking for her support. All of this happened when you did not intend for it to happen, so you can’t depend solely on your intentions for it to not happen again. You need something more powerful then your intentions.

The evil one thrives in secrecy. I strongly urge you to confide in someone.

Does he serve the Church in an official capacity, though employment or volunteering?

 

[sasha01]

I wont really have to see him alone again and theres always going to be somebody around. I dont really have anybody i could explain the situation to and prefer not to draw attention to something id rather have nobody know about. Its too risky.

He does’nt serve the Church in any way so its not a problem.

 

[Sillara]

I wont really have to see him alone again and theres always going to be somebody around. I dont really have anybody i could explain the situation to and prefer not to draw attention to something id rather have nobody know about. Its too risky.

He does’nt serve the Church in any way so its not a problem.

I understand your desire to keep your adultery a secret, but if it comes down to people finding out or your spending time with him, it is far, far better for you to spend NO time with him, even if that means people find out.

 

[hannajomar]

I wont really have to see him alone again and theres always going to be somebody around. I dont really have anybody i could explain the situation to and prefer not to draw attention to something id rather have nobody know about. Its too risky.

He does’nt serve the Church in any way so its not a problem.

I hope I’m wrong, but there is a good chance he will find a way to be alone with you, even in a social situation. You’ve assumed the best about him before and were mistaken. Sometimes it helps to have a concrete plan to prepare for the worst, while praying for the best to happen. Are you prepared to protect your heart and your body in that case? I say all of this because I truly do care about your well-being. You need a concrete plan, concrete boundaries with this man, and with all men in general.

 

[Blue_Horizon]

12 years older than you…you are 21…He was definitely a predator. Sorry but that’s just the truth. No one starts going after someone 12 years their junior unless there’s something seriously wrong with him/her. Hard to admit, hard to see that person in that light, but that’s the cold, stark truth.

Not helpful TRJ and no more than a generalisation given we don’t know the details.

Plenty of young men in their late 20s (and 30s) have the emotional or sexual immaturity of late teenagers…which is precisely why they unconsciously seek our women of their own emotionally arrested age. This fact starts out as an unrealised weakness in one particular area of their characters.

Only when they don’t do something about it when it becomes self-obvious would I start calling them “predators”. Given that we don’t know the guy’s history in this area I think Christ would have us keep silence re such pejorative words.

That doesn’t stop us offering Sasha wise counsel that he may well have a hidden history in this area that she knows nothing about…in which case the word would be accurate.
Only Sasha can ever be in a position to make that call.

 

[Existence]

12 years older than you…you are 21…He was definitely a predator. Sorry but that’s just the truth. No one starts going after someone 12 years their junior unless there’s something seriously wrong with him/her. Hard to admit, hard to see that person in that light, but that’s the cold, stark truth.

Sad but true. Well put.

 

[Patavium]

Please do not judge this man. The best case scenario is not just for sasha to repent, and be forgiven by God, but also for this man to repent and be forgiven by God. They BOTH sinned, and BOTH must confess their sins, do penance, and amend their life.

 

[sasha01]

Not helpful TRJ and no more than a generalisation given we don’t know the details.

Plenty of young men in their late 20s (and 30s) have the emotional or sexual immaturity of late teenagers…which is precisely why they unconsciously seek our women of their own emotionally arrested age. This fact starts out as an unrealised weakness in one particular area of their characters.

Only when they don’t do something about it when it becomes self-obvious would I start calling them “predators”. Given that we don’t know the guy’s history in this area I think Christ would have us keep silence re such pejorative words.

That doesn’t stop us offering Sasha wise counsel that he may well have a hidden history in this area that she knows nothing about…in which case the word would be accurate.
Only Sasha can ever be in a position to make that call.

I do know a things about his ‘history’ none of it really suggests that he has done this before. I do however know certain details about his life not so much to do with the past but rather current happenings that would maybe help explain why he felt and acted in the manner he did.

 

[sasha01]

Please do not judge this man. The best case scenario is not just for sasha to repent, and be forgiven by God, but also for this man to repent and be forgiven by God. They BOTH sinned, and BOTH must confess their sins, do penance, and amend their life.

Yeah it really isnt right to judge him as being a predator. The truth is i’ve known this man as a friend (i’m talking about before we made the mistakes we made) and he is a really good man. This may sound weird and unbelievable but he also is God fearing. But yes he made some (or maybe a lot) of mistakes just like i did. I’m not trying to defend him in any way but just trying to say that he is’nt all bad. Sure he did some bad things and it was party because i wasnt strong enough to hold my own, i was weak too.
However i dont ever want to return to that life again and he said he as repented and wants to mend his ways as well. I am working ok my life, keeping myself distracted with other stuff, trying to grow in prayer and am kinda keeping a distance from him.
I have repented for what i’ve done, ive been to confession. However completety recovering form it all doesnt seem to be happening fast at all. I’m not sure if im missing out on steps that i need to take to get OK.

 

[The_Bucket]

I don’t think a man is predatory simply because he’s twelve years older. In fact, up until recently, a man in his early 30s generally married women in their late teens or early 20s. That’s how it was to be. The man had gone out into the world, proved himself as a bachelor, could now support a family and got himself a bride. Of course, those partnerships were not terribly equal but they were also not predatory. The man was expected to protect his young bride.

I’m not going to cast judgments. I know what it’s like to be guilty of sexual sin despite being married. No, it wasn’t an affair but they were sins of impurity nonetheless. And I’m a very different person even with just a half-year of “sobriety” under my belt.

That said, the fact that he’s not completely cut off or was not completely cut off is a sign that he is not ready or was not ready to end his sinful ways. My problem was stuff on the Internet. So I ended my connection to the Internet and got into a program.

I won’t call this guy a “bad person” but don’t defend what he did, because you are indeed doing that OP. And for that matter, don’t defend what you did. I will not defend what I did either. I will flat-out say that I sinned and gravely so. Period and end of discussion on that. I was being a terrible human being. Those actions don’t define my value to God but they certainly defined who I was choosing to be. And if my actions now are not a full-180 from what they were then… then I’m not really reformed.

 

[maryjk]

Yeah it really isnt right to judge him as being a predator. The truth is i’ve known this man as a friend (i’m talking about before we made the mistakes we made)** and he is a really good man.** This may sound weird and unbelievable but he also is God fearing. But yes he made some (or maybe a lot) of mistakes just like i did. I’m not trying to defend him in any way but just trying to say that he is’nt all bad. Sure he did some bad things and it was party because i wasnt strong enough to hold my own, i was weak too.
However i dont ever want to return to that life again and he said he as repented and wants to mend his ways as well. I am working ok my life, keeping myself distracted with other stuff, trying to grow in prayer and am kinda keeping a distance from him.
I have repented for what i’ve done, ive been to confession. However completety recovering form it all doesnt seem to be happening fast at all. I’m not sure if im missing out on steps that i need to take to get OK.

Good men don’t date other women while they are married.

He may not be a bad man, but he doesn’t qualify as a “good man.”

I am with TheRealJuliane, this guy sounds like a predator. Especially when you say this.

I did things I didn’t want to do. not because I was tempted but because I couldn’t resist the pressure from him. I cant believe what I’ve just done.

Good Man? :dts:

 

[Lucky7]

am kinda keeping a distance from him.

After all of the posts here advising you to cut off all contact you are still “**kinda **keeping a distance from him”? Really?

As a married woman, this angers me.

 

[sasha01]

After all of the posts here advising you to cut off all contact you are still “**kinda **keeping a distance from him”? Really?

As a married woman, this angers me.

I simply meant i dont see him anymore and i dont talk to him anymore unless its something important.

 

[Sillara]

I simply meant i dont see him anymore and i dont talk to him anymore unless its something important.

There comes a time when it is more important to preserve your soul than to consider reputations. It might seem “weird” or “odd” to people that you would not see him AT ALL, but that is what needs to be done. If he shows up at a gathering where you are, you should leave.

Seriously, there is NO reason EVER for seeing this man or speaking with him AT ALL.