Going without sex is not the end of the world!

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deb1 said:
Yes, going without sex would be difficult. If my hubby returned from Afghanistan with some sort of horrible injury that left him impotent, I would not have an easy time, but I certainly wouldn’t leave him, or stop loving him. He means much more to me then any physical desire that I have for him.
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Huge difference between not physically able and CHOOSING not to have sex. For my wife to choose not to would cause a problem for me simply because she would be forcing me to make a decision I would not necessarily want. As young couple (early 30s) sex is a very big part of our lives. It would be very difficult.
 
Well, also, one thing for the women (and men) here to keep in mind is that when women hit their mid-thirties, a ‘second adolescence’ can happen, sometimes with a vengeance! And while it may have some drawbacks, like the return of acne (not as bad as the first time round, though!) and maddening lust, it also has some advantages (see ‘maddening lust’ 😛 ). And yeah, for many women, lust is absolutely as crazy as it is for many men. And that includes the physical misery men often refer to…‘pink ovaries’ are extremely unpleasant.
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See, this is kind of funny. You have a bit of a blanket statement made on the reverse side. If I had a nickel for every husband whose wife in her mid thirties never experienced anything he would describe as a “maddening lust” I’d be a rich man.

I was also told by one women not to worry, because when she was pregnant her libido went through the roof. Did it apply to my wife? NOT.

It is truly perplexing to read posts like this on a forum such as this because in all honesty I’ve never met another man who was married to such a woman.
 
deb1 said:
well, i am a female and i don’t fear that i needed education in this area:p . i agree that most women have a different level of sex drive then most men.

i think that i just really dislike the blanket statements that some people make about female/male desire. as black jaq said, women seem to vary tremendously in their sex levels… some of us really have problems in this area, others could live without sex period.

during my cycle i do have various levels of desire but my libido never seems to vanish. i wish that it did.😦

i should point out that i don’t think that i was rude to the poster, ahisma. i like him and enjoy his postings, so i can’t imagine that i would say anything impolite to him. norseman, might be referring to someone else.
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I’m sorry if my post came off as a blanket statement. My aim was for more of “in a nutshell.” Everyone struggles with this issue at different levels regardless of sex. My main goal was to express that our struggles as men and women are different because we are different. The struggle is still there though just because we are all human.

I think my motivation is from hearing people of either sex saying, “My struggle, (my cross to bear) is worse than yours.” I guess I have seen in my life that our cross to bear is proportionate to how much we can carry. “To whom much is given, much is expected.”
 
Norseman82 said:
And no discussion about celibacy can be complete without considering the one group of people for whom lifelong celibacy is most a “job requirement”: Catholic priests. Part of their discernment prior to ordination centers around celibacy and the ability to handle it for the rest of their lives.

Jesus said “Not everyone can accept this teaching, only those to whom it is given to do so. Some men are incapable of sexual activity from birth; some have been deliberately made so; and some there are who have freely renounced sex for the sake of God’s reign. Let him accept this teaching who can”. (Matt. 19:11-12). (Bold emphasis mine).
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i’ve been discerning for 2 years and abstaining from sex has never really been an issue as far as discernment goes, nor should it be (it’s still one of the most difficult struggles in life). you learn quickly that being chaste is possible for anyone, and so becomes as necessary as having a bite of a double chocolate fudge brownie with vanilla ice cream and hot fudge (extremely difficult, but possible once you get past the few minutes of chocolate lust).

it’s not about “i can’t be priest because i can’t live without sex!”
it’s more about “i can’t be a priest because i can’t live without a companion.”

so the real issue for discernment is not having a companion for the rest of your life. it’s the emotional aspect that is the most difficult. the lust for sex part only lasts for a few minutes and goes away, but repeats for the rest of your life. besides you still have to deal with that when you’re married, right? 😊
 
I can attest to the thirties thing…and that’s all I’ll say about that.😉
 
Hi there gang.

First, to the title of this thread, I have to say:

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

This is a blanket statement. Are you referring to it “not being the end of the world” for nuns, priests, consecrated celibates, 80 year old married people, or 30 year old married people.

I believe Bosun hit the nail on the head here:
Bosun said:
Huge difference between not physically able and CHOOSING not to have sex. For my wife to choose not to would cause a problem for me simply because she would be forcing me to make a decision I would not necessarily want. As young couple (early 30s) sex is a very big part of our lives. It would be very difficult.
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EXACTLY!!! The wife makes a decision for herself, but neglects to realise that that decision DIRECTLY impacts her husband…usually without consulting him on the matter.
Sometimes that decision is not a “decisive decision”, but rather an almost, subconscious one. Every time the opportunity for intimacy is there, the wife has to decide whether she is going to return the advances of her husband, or choose to not engage in intimacy.
Of course it’s a choice and definitely it’s not going to happen every time, but if that choice repeats itself and becomes the norm, then the husband is forced into that choice unwillingly.
The same happens to the wife if the husband so chooses.

The spouse stops in his/her tracks one day, looking back saying, when did this happen? :eek:

Also, I agree with Black Jaque here…
Black_Jaque said:
See, this is kind of funny. You have a bit of a blanket statement made on the reverse side. If I had a nickel for every husband whose wife in her mid thirties never experienced anything he would describe as a “maddening lust” I’d be a rich man.
I was also told by one women not to worry, because when she was pregnant her libido went through the roof. Did it apply to my wife? NOT.
It is truly perplexing to read posts like this on a forum such as this because in all honesty I’ve never met another man who was married to such a woman.
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I have also yet to hear of a husband saying his wife has a higher libido than he does…
My wife is pregnant now and her libido has dropped from once a month…maybe, to non-existent…
People said to me that now that my wife is pregnant, it will be a great opportunity for us to rekindle that intimacy flame…not happened at all. I do chat to other dads-to-be (some even at my office) and each one of them said that the sex is non-existent…

I don’t know where the statistics are coming from that is quoted here, but I’m speaking from personal experience and my stats differ…
 
Black_Jaque said:
Also, there is less evidence that women fall into sexual sin as often as men. C-stores magazine shelves are full of porno magazines aimed at a male clientele. There are much fewer such magazines aimed at the female customers.
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For many women, it is in the form of paperback romance novels. Next time you are in a bookstore, check out that section - used bookstores amaze me, the romance novel section is more that 50% of the entire STORE.
 
johnnydigit said:
it’s not about “i can’t be priest because i can’t live without sex!”
it’s more about “i can’t be a priest because i can’t live without a companion.”

so the real issue for discernment is not having a companion for the rest of your life. it’s the emotional aspect that is the most difficult. the lust for sex part only lasts for a few minutes and goes away, but repeats for the rest of your life. besides you still have to deal with that when you’re married, right? 😊
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Actually, that very point was brought up by a seminarian (now ordained priest) doing the “seminarian Sunday” talk years ago, and that answered my questions in my discernment and told me that priesthood was not something I should pursue.

But regardless of whether it is the physical demands of celibacy or the emotional, we all need to realize that not everyone can handle lifelong celibacy, and as long as they follow Church teaching regarding sex and marriage we should not second-guess their discernment and how they act upon it without a very good reason. Everyone’s ability is different, and we need to watch our (often uncharitable) blanket statements, especially of the “it’s just your cross, shut up and bear it type”. Personally, I don’t criticize another’s cross-carrying abilities unless I’ve carried at least as heavy and backbreaking a cross under at least as difficult circumstances. Otherwise, we become like the mean-spirited Roman soldiers who beat Jesus instead of Simon of Cyrene who helped Jesus carry His cross.
 
LittleDeb said:
I forgot to ask. Did I capture the male perspective pretty fairly? My husband says I do but he is just one person and loves me dearly. 😉
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It’s a good start.

There are some other things worth mentioning.

One is the timing of the “hormone eruptions”. As has been pointed out, the male drive is constant (and erupts in teenage years), whereas the female is cyclical and erupts with an even greater vengeance in their thirties (I sometimes make the joke that the biological clock is ticking so loudly that ATF is often called).

Another point is based on the nature of the sex act itself. Fr. Tom Loya, a local TOTB speaker, mentioned that male sexuality is based on “giving” and “projecting out” (which explains the natural wiring to like stuff like firearms) whereas female is based on “receiving”. This also has implications on how we handle self-control.

Male self-control centers around “holding in” that which already exists internally.

Following the above analogy, my guess (females, please correct me if I’m wrong) is that female self-control would then be centered around “keeping out” what is external.

Now which gender has the greater effort can be debated until the Bears win the World Series, but as a male I can say that for a normal healthy adult male, the self-control effort is probably the hardest thing a male can do (next to sacrificing one’s own life physically).
 
PennitentMan said:
Hi there gang.

First, to the title of this thread, I have to say:

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

This is a blanket statement. Are you referring to it “not being the end of the world” for nuns, priests, consecrated celibates, 80 year old married people, or 30 year old married people.

I believe Bosun hit the nail on the head here:

EXACTLY!!! The wife makes a decision for herself, but neglects to realise that that decision DIRECTLY impacts her husband…usually without consulting him on the matter.
Sometimes that decision is not a “decisive decision”, but rather an almost, subconscious one. Every time the opportunity for intimacy is there, the wife has to decide whether she is going to return the advances of her husband, or choose to not engage in intimacy.
Of course it’s a choice and definitely it’s not going to happen every time, but if that choice repeats itself and becomes the norm, then the husband is forced into that choice unwillingly.
The same happens to the wife if the husband so chooses.

The spouse stops in his/her tracks one day, looking back saying, when did this happen? :eek:

Also, I agree with Black Jaque here…

I have also yet to hear of a husband saying his wife has a higher libido than he does…
My wife is pregnant now and her libido has dropped from once a month…maybe, to non-existent…
People said to me that now that my wife is pregnant, it will be a great opportunity for us to rekindle that intimacy flame…not happened at all. I do chat to other dads-to-be (some even at my office) and each one of them said that the sex is non-existent…

I don’t know where the statistics are coming from that is quoted here, but I’m speaking from personal experience and my stats differ…
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I have heard that at times, some women may have a dropped interest in sex…for women–sex is very much a mental thing. The drop can be attributed to her feeling worried for the baby’s safety during sex…I felt the same way. But, I got over it quickly.😃
 
I think that for centuries…women were taught…literally taught to refuse sexual advances…play hard to get…to not enjoy sex…it is no wonder that a woman sometimes puts her husband off in a marriage…these messages are sometimes hard to shake. I think that there will always be differences between men and women’s libido…Women think with their brains during sex…and when her brain and heart are stimulated–she will be in the mood, men, for sex.

My husband could have sex in the middle of a heated debate…uh…I on the other hand…need to have the debate, make up with one another verbally…then disuss solutions…then…once that debate is past us…move towards ‘something else.’ But, men think a bit more in the raw physical sense…whereas we women, think more in an emotional and mental state, when it comes to intimacy.

Neither is wrong or right…but if you approach each other in the right ways…with EMPATHY FOR YOUR DIFFERENCES…your yin…will meet her yang.😉
 
Bosun said:
Huge difference between not physically able and CHOOSING not to have sex. For my wife to choose not to would cause a problem for me simply because she would be forcing me to make a decision I would not necessarily want. As young couple (early 30s) sex is a very big part of our lives. It would be very difficult.
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I am going to “go there” on your’s AND your wife’s side.

I also agree it’s a very important part of our lives, we are also in our early 30’s. I have already stated as so. Sometime’s it’s not AS important on my side as it is my husband’s. AND vice-versa. To “accept” my husband couldn’t preform sex due to an accident or an “act of war” (thank GOD this has not happened due to my husband being military since this war began) is one thing. But to deny my husband, or myself: when we are perfectly “able” – would be a whole other issue. And as I know it: it’s a sin, to deny each other – “just because.” I think if you have issues with sexuality that are not reality-based-health-imparitive, then you have other “issues” to deal with.
 
When we start to propagate the myth that all men ever want is to have sex we dehumanize both men and women. Men don’t spend 24 hours a day on stand by for sex.
 
Norseman82 said:
Actually, that very point was brought up by a seminarian (now ordained priest) doing the “seminarian Sunday” talk years ago, and that answered my questions in my discernment and told me that priesthood was not something I should pursue.

But regardless of whether it is the physical demands of celibacy or the emotional, we all need to realize that not everyone can handle lifelong celibacy, and as long as they follow Church teaching regarding sex and marriage we should not second-guess their discernment and how they act upon it without a very good reason. Everyone’s ability is different, and we need to watch our (often uncharitable) blanket statements, especially of the “it’s just your cross, shut up and bear it type”. Personally, I don’t criticize another’s cross-carrying abilities unless I’ve carried at least as heavy and backbreaking a cross under at least as difficult circumstances. Otherwise, we become like the mean-spirited Roman soldiers who beat Jesus instead of Simon of Cyrene who helped Jesus carry His cross.
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ya you’re right. lately the physical demand has been pretty tough. it seems like my cross is substantially bigger (relative to my ability to handle it) than others. i imagine for some it would be worse, with blood vessels almost popping out of their foreheads or necks from the stress.

so i dunno. i once viewed it as one of the most crippling nuisances to mankind which could only be solved by castration, but now i thank God he has shown me the light and given me the ability to cope.
 
i was thinking about it again, and i think unless you have a serious medical or psychological condition, any person can handle it with the grace and help of God. so i revert back to my original stance.

practice the Sacraments frequently. daily mass if you can. pray the Rosary everyday. consecrate yourself to our Blessed Mother. visit the Blessed Sacrament often. with these, anyone can conquer it. otherwise, you have a medical condition. period!
 
deb1 said:
my hubby is in Afghanistan, so I am temporarily celibate. I am not saying that it is easy but there are much worse crosses that I wouldn’t want to trade this temporary celibacy for.
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You are in fact not celibate, precisely because you have a husband. Celibacy is the state of not being married, not the state of not having sex. The ignorant media have forced this misunderstanding on us.
 
deb1 said:
i don’t think that anyone should get married just to have sex. i don’t even know how a marriage would survive the common problems of life if sex is the only point of it.

my hubby is in Afghanistan, so I am temporarily celibate. I am not saying that it is easy but there are much worse crosses that I wouldn’t want to trade this temporary celibacy for.

I wonder if our society has become so sex soaked that the idea of living without sex seems more of a hardship then it did to previous generations?
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First, God bless you and your family for your service to our country.

Temporarily going without sex is not the issue, I don’t think. But having gone to Desert Storm and numerous other deployments, your husband will want to make up for lost time, as I’m sure you will, too! It’s not just the sex - it’s being separated from your most loved one. And knowing that you came back after possibly not coming back, makes it that much more intense and intimate. Also can be awkward, so be prepared for that, too. Hopefully your unit is helping to prepare families for the return of spouses.
 
Ahimsa said:
It might be easier for women than it is for men, to go without sex.
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In some situations yes but on a whole I am not sure I agree with that, I would even venture to say that for a few days a month they have it much worse than a man does for “drive”

I agree its not the end of the world to go without sex,to me whats far worse is always being alone, noone to come home to to talk to etc, prolly why I am here at almost 2:30 am lol when i should be in bed cause I have to work in a few hours,

Yes I can live without the sex, But I dont know how much longer i can go it alone rofl gets harder everyday
 
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