I think she meant, how did you reconcile this experience right afterward with your continued atheism? Like did you explain to yourself at that time that it must have all been in your head.
At the time I didn’t want to believe it. I was an atheist, and this went counter to my whole prevailing ethos. Secondly he just appeared in my room. Even though during the discussion at one stage I blurted out, “What is this!! Some sort of dream or something?” to which he looked a bit bemused, and replied, “No, it’s not a dream. I died tonight.”
But I’d no proof he’d died. We were basically estranged and I hadn’t spoken to him for 12 months, I did see him walking down a street about six months before as I was driving, but I didn’t indicate I’d seen him, and I’m pretty sure he didn’t see me.
I do remember getting this sort of impulse I should go and see him a few days before he died, but I refused. It was fairly insistent, and I wondered where it came from, but I resisted it. I think you could say I couldn’t stand him. He’d just been too cruel for too long, and I wanted nothing to do with him.
So it seems he came to me instead, starting with an apology, and saying I needed to forgive him, not for his sake, but for my own, or “you’ll destroy yourself!”.
And I don’t care how many doubting Thomases there are. I know what I saw and heard and said. And I know there’s a judgement - I still remember the absolutely terrifying scream, and he could obviously see something coming for him, and whatever it was it terrified him to the core. He was literally shaking in every part of his body.
Christ wasn’t warning us for no reason. The business of hell isn’t just hot air.
Just why I had this experience and others don’t, I don’t know. But then why were 3 poor children chosen to see Mary at Fatima (and 2 of them were dead within a couple of years), or a deaf nun at Akita, or a virtually illiterate girl at Lourdes, and nobody else? Of the 300 million people in the world at Christ’s time, why was an impulsive fisherman named Simon called to become Peter? Or Judas the one “who must be lost”? Or Ananias and Sapphira the only two killed on the spot for lying to the Holy Spirit?
We don’t know.
In one way though, it’s not really such a big deal. The spiritual world is around us
at all times, mostly hidden, but sometimes it breaks through in ways we don’t expect. It’s the unexpectedness that makes it seem surprising, but if you accept that the spiritual world is as real as you are, then what’s the big deal really?