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Catholic4aReasn
Guest
My husband knows that I think he’s attractive. I tell him often and try to show him as well.
Maybe I need to try to find a happy medium between honesty and totally not reacting at all.
In Christ,
Nancy
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Maybe I need to try to find a happy medium between honesty and totally not reacting at all.
In Christ,
Nancy
K
kage_ar
Guest
When was the last time you laughed with your husband? Is there a movie that just cracks you up? Open a bottle of wine, curl up on the couch and watch it again.
Did you go dancing when you were dating? Then dance - even if you have to put the stereo on the front porch, light some tiki torches and dance in the back yard.
As the Matthew Kelly book says - remember your story. What brought you together?
Did you go dancing when you were dating? Then dance - even if you have to put the stereo on the front porch, light some tiki torches and dance in the back yard.
As the Matthew Kelly book says - remember your story. What brought you together?
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Catholic4aReasn
Guest
Good idea. He loves Caddy Shack. Maybe we’ll watch that.
In Christ,
Nancy
kage_ar:
In Christ,
Nancy
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Shlemele
Guest
I think I have to agree with Jeff, though his language was not the greatest a translation might have been “I want to you to enjoy yourself tonight, how would you like me to make love to you?”. Now in his defense when in an amorous mood we men tend to not make the most well thought-out decisions, I blame a lack of blood flow to the brain but take your pick 
. Perhaps he was trying to spice things up with some dirty talk and got too dirty, I don’t know him or your situation but it might be a possibility. I guess it also has to do with gender differences… let me make an analogy here since you used the image of sex to your husband as a gift. I may be totally off on this and if I am I apologize if I’m off base on this.
When it comes to men we are like 3-year olds when it comes to sex and sex is the biggest and best present our spouse can give us. When you see a 3 year old open a gift what does it look like? Is the wrapping paper neatly unwrapped and folded, making sure to keep from ripping along the tape? Not with any 3 year old I have ever seen! From the moment you set the present in front of them till around 3 seconds later when the paper is confetti it’s a mad rush of emotion; joy, suspense, and excitement all wrapped into one! The thing about it isn’t just about the wrapping paper or the gift, it is the whole thing. The gift isn’t what makes them happy so much as the fact that they have been given something great from someone they love.
See if the emotion is something you can share in, from some of your posts is sounds like you aren’t always in the mood and that it is a conscious choice to have sex with your husband. This is to be commended because to make sex into a weapon in a marriage relationship is like taking the oil out of an engine, it will run for a while but the friction will build up until something explodes. I wonder though if he knows that it isn’t always your first choice. I know when my spouse is going through the motions and it’s not a good feeling.
My advice, turn the tables on him! Tell him he can talk dirty all he wants, just keep a roll of duct tape next to the bed and make it clear if he goes too far you’ll cover his mouth! Once or twice and I think he’ll learn the line. If he is accusing you of being a prude melt his socks off! It’s my belief that there should be no better lover than a Christian spouse. Can you imagine what would happen if every non-Christian with a Christian spouse told their friends “since my spouse became a Christian sex has meant/been so much more”. Please do keep in mind that men and women approach intimacy differently and just because he was crude doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you, in fact he might have been trying to spice things up.
Well as I said I don’t know the both of you so I could be reading things wrong, if so please disregard. Just do yourself a favor though and try switching things up. The worst that can happen is you’ll catch him off his guard, the best is you make him wonder what else you have up your sleeve! You have avoided the mistake of using sex as a weapon but try using it as a healing agent as well!
P.S. I do need to be transparent, I am separated from my wife and we are going through counseling. I have to say though that the times we are intimate have been more passionate than in the last few years. I think it is because we know we are trying to make things work and sex is part of the healing process.
. Perhaps he was trying to spice things up with some dirty talk and got too dirty, I don’t know him or your situation but it might be a possibility. I guess it also has to do with gender differences… let me make an analogy here since you used the image of sex to your husband as a gift. I may be totally off on this and if I am I apologize if I’m off base on this.When it comes to men we are like 3-year olds when it comes to sex and sex is the biggest and best present our spouse can give us. When you see a 3 year old open a gift what does it look like? Is the wrapping paper neatly unwrapped and folded, making sure to keep from ripping along the tape? Not with any 3 year old I have ever seen! From the moment you set the present in front of them till around 3 seconds later when the paper is confetti it’s a mad rush of emotion; joy, suspense, and excitement all wrapped into one! The thing about it isn’t just about the wrapping paper or the gift, it is the whole thing. The gift isn’t what makes them happy so much as the fact that they have been given something great from someone they love.
See if the emotion is something you can share in, from some of your posts is sounds like you aren’t always in the mood and that it is a conscious choice to have sex with your husband. This is to be commended because to make sex into a weapon in a marriage relationship is like taking the oil out of an engine, it will run for a while but the friction will build up until something explodes. I wonder though if he knows that it isn’t always your first choice. I know when my spouse is going through the motions and it’s not a good feeling.
My advice, turn the tables on him! Tell him he can talk dirty all he wants, just keep a roll of duct tape next to the bed and make it clear if he goes too far you’ll cover his mouth! Once or twice and I think he’ll learn the line. If he is accusing you of being a prude melt his socks off! It’s my belief that there should be no better lover than a Christian spouse. Can you imagine what would happen if every non-Christian with a Christian spouse told their friends “since my spouse became a Christian sex has meant/been so much more”. Please do keep in mind that men and women approach intimacy differently and just because he was crude doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you, in fact he might have been trying to spice things up.
Well as I said I don’t know the both of you so I could be reading things wrong, if so please disregard. Just do yourself a favor though and try switching things up. The worst that can happen is you’ll catch him off his guard, the best is you make him wonder what else you have up your sleeve! You have avoided the mistake of using sex as a weapon but try using it as a healing agent as well!
P.S. I do need to be transparent, I am separated from my wife and we are going through counseling. I have to say though that the times we are intimate have been more passionate than in the last few years. I think it is because we know we are trying to make things work and sex is part of the healing process.
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ConcernCatholic
Guest
The fact that your husband is not Christian makes no difference. My husband is very Catholic and has said some not so choice words while in very passionate moments. Yes, it is definitely a turn off but what is he really trying to say. My husband is usually just trying to spice things up and add a little variety.
From what you have said in your posts, it sounds like he might be trying to get a reaction out of you. He sounds like a bored kid. In the past, I have done things that I knew my husband wouldn’t like just to get a reaction out of him. It sounds like he is trying to push your buttons to get a reaction out of you. You say you always keep things to yourself so that you don’t make him feel bad. You can’t let things fester. Fighting isn’t always advisable but I think sometimes you need to clear the air even if it means that you do raise your voice a little.
Many posters have recommended that you are the one that needs to change because there is no hope of changing him. I agree with this. You say he has refused your advances. Have you made yourself completely irresistable? I don’t want to be crass but maybe you could let your hair down a little and get sexy for him. Maybe you need to seduce your husband to show him that you are not a prude or a priss.
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cathlicnlovinit
Guest
I totally empathize. When we married we were both nominal Catholics. He was a convert a year before the marriage. I was baptized at age 7. His best friend a Jehovah’s Witness who would not attend our wedding helped strengthen my faith when I began to study different religions. I became orthodox. He did not. As I studied and learned and shared with him his heart soften a bit. I am trying to trust God to work on him everyday. I just say all this to say continue to wait on the Lord and be the best wife that you can. Take both your needs into consideration but always keep God’s way first (as I’m sure you will and are)
I’ll pray for you.
Heather
I’ll pray for you.
Heather
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Orionthehunter
Guest
Jeff is onto something here. Men don’t always say things the right thing in the right way. A few years ago, my wife was heavier and she put on a dress that I didn’t think was flattering. I said, “You don’t look good in that dress” when I should have said, “I like the red dress better for tonight.” I followed up her question of “How so?” with “It makes your butt look big.” To make long story short, we stayed home that night and I was in the doghouse for days.
You and hubby were in throes of the marital embrace. Men can be insecure here as we know we always get our full pleasure when the women don’t always get theirs. Any chastisement during this time can really damage our fragile ego.
In short, I wish I had said things differently to my wife and IMHO expressing your views to him about the use of the word that offends you should have happened at a different time so the chastisement wasn’t linked to the holy marital act.
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Catholic4aReasn
Guest
You are all giving very good advice that I am taking very much to heart. Thank you so much!
By the way…he asked me what was wrong after, not during.
In Christ,
Nancy
Orionthehunter:
By the way…he asked me what was wrong after, not during.
In Christ,
Nancy
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JeffAustralia
Guest
Somebody said about having a good laugh. Very good point! I’m sure Jesus and His crew of Judean sailors had quite a few good laughs. And consider the marriage at Cana. They’d drunk a great deal of wine by this stage. Did Jesus say “Gosh, NO mother! They’re getting frivolous! I suggest cups of tea and cucumber sandwiches, and some pasty-faced polite conversation!” Nope! He made more wine, and made jolly fine stuff too! And I bet Our Lord danced and laughed and drank with the rest of 'em…and maybe he overheard the Aramaic version of the f-word, too.
Yes, you probably DO make your hubby feel that you’re looking down on him, and wanting to “minister” to him. I hope my wife never feels she needs to minister to me. We (in private) use that dreaded word a great deal, and we get a jolly good laugh out of it. We laugh about farting, and all other bodily functions too. Why not? That was one of the things that appealed to me about Catholicism is that we’re not a pack of killjoys. And I’ve swapped some very naughty jokes with some very orthodox priests (which I won’t repeat here, but they involved the local modernist bishop). Maybe you should ask yourself WHY this sort of thing bothers you so much?
Yes, you probably DO make your hubby feel that you’re looking down on him, and wanting to “minister” to him. I hope my wife never feels she needs to minister to me. We (in private) use that dreaded word a great deal, and we get a jolly good laugh out of it. We laugh about farting, and all other bodily functions too. Why not? That was one of the things that appealed to me about Catholicism is that we’re not a pack of killjoys. And I’ve swapped some very naughty jokes with some very orthodox priests (which I won’t repeat here, but they involved the local modernist bishop). Maybe you should ask yourself WHY this sort of thing bothers you so much?
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JKirkLVNV
Guest
Dude…dude…wow! You should have bitten your tongue at “You d…” and when she said," What?", you should have said, “You delicious looking thing, you!” Never use the word “butt” and “big” in the same sentence in the presence of any female over the age of 10 (even if it’s another female you’re talking about, the one you’re with will immediately ask how her’s compares to the alledgedly large butted one)! I wish I could, like, buy you a beer or something, I feel so bad for you (I got a chill when I read “It makes your butt look big.”).
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stbruno
Guest
christianitytoday.com/mp/2004/001/15.18.html
This is a wonderful article about the lessons of language. Worth reading, plus you can explore this sight for information about the marital sexual union as well. Worth a try.
This is a wonderful article about the lessons of language. Worth reading, plus you can explore this sight for information about the marital sexual union as well. Worth a try.
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Pug
Guest
Have you told him the F thing was your fault and have you apologized? (In one or two sentences only, no long wordy thing).
Also, are your non-reactions instead really reactions? Let me explain. If you usually chat with him when he gets in bed, but instead you say nothing when he gets in the bed with the wrong magazine, then he figures your non-reaction as a reaction.
I can’t tell, but things could be getting to the point where he is getting in the bed with the swimsuit thing as a fighting move, knowing it riles you up, and is getting just what he wants by your reaction. I’m not saying he really wants that, just, oh, I don’t know how to explain. People can start acting that way sometimes.
Do you know what he is looking for, if anything, when he gets into bed with the swimsuit thing or similar behavior?
Also, are your non-reactions instead really reactions? Let me explain. If you usually chat with him when he gets in bed, but instead you say nothing when he gets in the bed with the wrong magazine, then he figures your non-reaction as a reaction.
I can’t tell, but things could be getting to the point where he is getting in the bed with the swimsuit thing as a fighting move, knowing it riles you up, and is getting just what he wants by your reaction. I’m not saying he really wants that, just, oh, I don’t know how to explain. People can start acting that way sometimes.
Do you know what he is looking for, if anything, when he gets into bed with the swimsuit thing or similar behavior?
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Catholic4aReasn
Guest
I can see that I’ve given you, and some others the distinct impression that I walk around in a high starched collar and my hair pulled severely back in a bun with not a stitch of make-up and that I’ve got a constant look on my face as though I have a bad small right under my nose. Interesting idea, but very not me.
It never occurred to me that not liking the f word was a strange thing among Christians. I was probably also wrong in being bothered when, at a party last month, my husband yelled to me, for all to hear, “show your tits!”. I guess I could be a little overscrupulous. I’ll need to pray about that.
Ya learn something new every day.
In Christ,
Nancy
JeffAustralia:
It never occurred to me that not liking the f word was a strange thing among Christians. I was probably also wrong in being bothered when, at a party last month, my husband yelled to me, for all to hear, “show your tits!”. I guess I could be a little overscrupulous. I’ll need to pray about that.
Ya learn something new every day.
In Christ,
Nancy
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Catholic4aReasn
Guest
stbruno said:
Hey! We’re going to a marriage conference in Oct by the 5 Love Languages guy! It’s supposed to be really good!!
In Christ,
Nancy
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Catholic4aReasn
Guest
Yes, I did apologize. He said that I’m just too “good” and he’d have to learn to live with it.
About the magazine thing. I read in bed, every night, without fail. This particular night I was reading before he got into bed. He got into bed with his magazine. I simply continued reading. I know he was trying to get a reaction out of me and when he didn’t get one he invented one.
In Christ,
Nancy
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ConcernCatholic
Guest
Ok, I just have to offer you some support here. I don’t think disliking the f word is strange. The unfettered use of it is actually quite disturbing but that should be a thread by itself.
I don’t think you are being overly scrupulous at all. There is a huge difference between what you do in private versus what you do in public. Saying this out loud for all to hear is a bit much. I am all for getting slutty for my husband behind closed doors but in public, well, that is just not acceptable.
Not really advice, but I just had to give you some support here as a fellow woman.
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cricket331
Guest
I am going to offer up a few things as well, I can truely see your side of this issue, and I can see a potential for his. I am one of those that gets extra Heated up sometimes when “dirty words” are thrown into the mix, I use them myself sometimes.and most of my friends are the same way as well. Its possible he was "testing the wtares so to speak to see if maybe he would get a good response from you, maybe a friend of his has a wife that goes bannanas when talked to in that way, I have a friend that goes over the edge everytime her husband talks “nasty” to her.
everyone has there own lil nitch, some people “dress up” for extra spice and get rid of the same old same old routines.
heres something that could help you out…
Make a really nice candle lit dinner for no apparent reason.
sit down to dinner and conversation.tell him how you feel about the dirty words, maybe add in you deeply appreciate how he tries to enhance your feelings during lovemaking,but tell him the words just dont do it for you, then tell him something that DOES for you.
ask him what does it for him,Its possible the terms prude and priss come from you and he not sitting down and discussing something so natural as sex, Remember nothing about sex is dirty, some of us have been brought up to believe it is,but its not.
Its the most special gift we as humans have been given.
if you think or feel its dirty talk to someone,if not thats great ,tell your man what flaots your boat, the old saying everyone has a fantasy! thats a great place to start, he will find you are not the prude he thinks you are.
I would love to say oh he is just treating you bad and wants to control you, but not knowing him,or you. I have to assume that he had all the best intentions,even with the terms prude and priss I would like to think he was just trying to maybe get you to look at yourself ,your actions,and maybe see something, and dont get me wrong i am not saying he is just in the words, but men can be crietons, esspecially when following a friends possible advice.
in closing remember Communication is the key to success
I have some more things I would also like to share with you but will do so in a private message,things that could possibly be causing these terms to be used towards you, that possibly havnt been thought about…
all the best and God Bless you
Nancy
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SemperJase
Guest
I guess I’m missing something. Why is the offended person required to apologize?
Catholic or not, your husband’s behavior is disrespectful. He is using your religion as a weapon against you. His name calling about you being “holier than thou” is degrading and emotionally manipulative. He is trying to make you guilty for having standards.
I don’t see how being a good christian wife means you must be a doormat for his insecurities. I’d suggest it is time to set some boundaries.
If you don’t like the swimsuit issue and he says your are being prudish, explain how it makes you feel less desired when he leers at other women. When he says “let’s f----” tell him that it makes you feel like an object, not the object of his love.
When you start taking the blame for his actions, he will respect you even less.
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blessedtoo
Guest
Nancy,
My heart is breaking over here! Even if there are Christian people who “like” the f word, YOU DON’T and that is all that matters here. We’re not in bed with you and your hubby. And the fact that he would use that word, AND yell a disgraceful comment like that in public clearly shows that he is purposefully trying to provoke you. So I say, respond. You said that he “gets mad” when you ask questions or respond or initiate conversations. Well, too bad. You have to trust that God will give you the strength and the grace to withstand your husbands unreasonable and unfounded angry responses because in this case, you have a right to express how you feel. Your husband is treating his devoted Christian wife in a disgraceful and completely un-Christian like way. How could God not give you all the grace necessary to set some boundaries for yourself?
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Pug
Guest
Having various feelings upon being addressed with the F word is not surprising to me. That those feelings throw a bucket of cold water on a person is also not surprising. I associate the word with anger. In my life, I only hear it used that way, except by some younger folk.
If he picked up on your discomfort enough to ask about it afterwards, perhaps he was nervous or worried. Of course, he could have known full well what was what and it was a test. You would know where he was coming from. But if he was nervous or worried, guys can be reassured, it is possible!Tell him the word has all sorts of bad associations for you (explain with example), and they went through your head, and you couldn’t get them out, so you seemed out of it. Maybe he just needs more of an explanation than what you gave. That you didn’t like what he said leaves so much room for paranoid worry (if one is prone to worry). Guys can seem invulnerable, and then turn up worried and afraid of what you think.
Of course, don’t offer such an explanation if it isn’t how it really went down! Perhaps what bugged you is that HE said it. I don’t know.
If he picked up on your discomfort enough to ask about it afterwards, perhaps he was nervous or worried. Of course, he could have known full well what was what and it was a test. You would know where he was coming from. But if he was nervous or worried, guys can be reassured, it is possible!
Tell him the word has all sorts of bad associations for you (explain with example), and they went through your head, and you couldn’t get them out, so you seemed out of it. Maybe he just needs more of an explanation than what you gave. That you didn’t like what he said leaves so much room for paranoid worry (if one is prone to worry). Guys can seem invulnerable, and then turn up worried and afraid of what you think.Of course, don’t offer such an explanation if it isn’t how it really went down! Perhaps what bugged you is that HE said it. I don’t know.
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