How do I minister to my husband in this situation?

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Catholic4aReasn:
It takes two for a marraige to succeed and two for a marraige to fail. All of the blame cannot be put on one set of shoulders.
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I have to disagree with you there. While it takes two to succeed, it only takes one for a marriage to fail. One person can do everything right and make all the sacrifices. If the other person decides he or she doesn’t want to work on the marriage or even actively sabotages it, then the marraige will fail. As you said, it takes two to succeed. If both are not working to succeed, it will fail.
 
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SemperJase:
I have to disagree with you there. While it takes two to succeed, it only takes one for a marriage to fail. One person can do everything right and make all the sacrifices. If the other person decides he or she doesn’t want to work on the marriage or even actively sabotages it, then the marraige will fail. As you said, it takes two to succeed. If both are not working to succeed, it will fail.
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not wanting to work on it or sabotageing it still has roots to cause,
the poster was correct it still takes 2 people to work or not.
I will say one person can be more to blame than the other But it will still end up at least partially both at fault…
 
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johntkd:
not wanting to work on it or sabotageing it still has roots to cause,
the poster was correct it still takes 2 people to work or not.
I will say one person can be more to blame than the other But it will still end up at least partially both at fault…
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That root cause doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with the other spouse.

I knew a couple where the wife left her husband for another man. She said her husband was a great father and husband. She just fell “in love” with this other guy. Had she not met him she would have stayed married. It was her, not the husband that caused the marriage to fail.

Nope, one person can cause a marriage to fail.
 
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SemperJase:
I have to disagree with you there. While it takes two to succeed, it only takes one for a marriage to fail. One person can do everything right and make all the sacrifices. If the other person decides he or she doesn’t want to work on the marriage or even actively sabotages it, then the marraige will fail. As you said, it takes two to succeed. If both are not working to succeed, it will fail.
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I just gotta disagree with you there semper (very respectfully). NO ONE does everything right. Sure, one person could be more to blame than the other, but everything right? I just don’t think so.

In Christ,
Nancy 🙂
 
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Catholic4aReasn:
I just gotta disagree with you there semper (very respectfully). NO ONE does everything right. Sure, one person could be more to blame than the other, but everything right? I just don’t think so.
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In that everyone makes mistakes, yes. However, there are cases where one person’s mistakes don’t rise to the level of divorce but the other decides to leave anyway. The case I referenced above is an example. The wife freely admitted there was nothing the husband did that caused her to leave (even though I’m sure she would have said he wasn’t perfect).

There was nothing he could have done to prevent the divorce. Yet you are saying he was equally at fault when even the wife claimed otherwise (she justified it because she “followed her heart”). That is blaming the victim.

I would say most cases of divorce are mutual problems but not all. I firmly believe in accepting blame for one’s actions. But accepting blame when there is none to accept is damaging. It leads to false feelings of guilt. If one person is abusive, it is not the fault of the person receiving that abuse. This “both are at fault” thinking claims otherwise. To use an extreme example, that is why too many people stay in abusive relationships. The abuser says “you made me hit you.” The other believes it. That is just wrong and makes the problem worse.
 
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SemperJase:
There was nothing he could have done to prevent the divorce. Yet you are saying he was equally at fault when even the wife claimed otherwise (she justified it because she “followed her heart”). That is blaming the victim.

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I am? Where?

In Christ,
Nancy 🙂
 
something the man did in the case you dexcribed still in some minute way caused the woman to fall out of love for him, maybe its the reasons the pre marriage book comes up with he put the TP roll on backwards or didnt mate his socks right, something was still there, Might never be known for sure what,in the case you described though i will add the leaving spouse probablly retains 95% of the blame.
 
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johntkd:
something the man did in the case you dexcribed still in some minute way caused the woman to fall out of love for him, maybe its the reasons the pre marriage book comes up with he put the TP roll on backwards or didnt mate his socks right, something was still there, Might never be known for sure what,in the case you described though i will add the leaving spouse probablly retains 95% of the blame.
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I guess I’ll never understand the logic that presumes both must blamed for a divorce when one person decides to leave and the other wants to stay married.

That is the “you made me do it” approach. While he may not have been a perfect husband, he did not make her leave the marriage. There are just sometimes when one person does not hold up their end of the vows. That doesn’t mean the other person is at fault for the break up.
 
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SemperJase:
I guess I’ll never understand the logic that presumes both must blamed for a divorce when one person decides to leave and the other wants to stay married.

That is the “you made me do it” approach. While he may not have been a perfect husband, he did not make her leave the marriage. There are just sometimes when one person does not hold up their end of the vows. That doesn’t mean the other person is at fault for the break up.
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Believe it or not in over 90% of divorces one spouse dont want the divorce, there are many reasons for this one usually dont want to lose the financial support,other reasosns are one of them dont think there was ever a problem, and the usual cause of that is lack of communications.
the list can go on and on, but because one dont want the divorce is not a good reason to lay blame all on the other…
the guy whom usually beats on his wife till she finally wises up and leaves usually dont want a divorce, is he innocent of cause? I think not
John
 
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johntkd:
something the man did in the case you dexcribed still in some minute way caused the woman to fall out of love for him, maybe its the reasons the pre marriage book comes up with he put the TP roll on backwards or didnt mate his socks right, something was still there, Might never be known for sure what,in the case you described though i will add the leaving spouse probablly retains 95% of the blame.
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I’ve got BIG news for you. No marriage has the same romantic love continue throughout a lifelong marriage. And we all have little annoyances. I’ve been married almost 19 years now and there have been times when I really didn’t like my husband at all never mind “still in love” with him. Love is not about feelings. Love is not a noun or an adjetive it is a verb. It is in doing that we love someone. If the woman in our situation “fell out of love” with her husband because of something he did then she is called to love him despite how she feels. Its called carrying a cross; self-sacrifice. I know because I’ve been there. I’ve been “out of love” with my husband because of some of his actions which were his choice not mine. Bottom-line: we all sin. We all make bad choices. But happily we can address the problems and move on from there. I do feel love for my husband again, but it took time to heal and work for it to happen.

We never went to counseling together. We did go to a Retrouvaille weekend. It was the turning point for us. I strongly urge anyone who is in a problem/bad/unsatisfying/uncommunicative marriage to attend a weekend.
 
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johntkd:
the guy whom usually beats on his wife till she finally wises up and leaves usually dont want a divorce, is he innocent of cause? I think not
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Not only is he not innocent. He is 100% to blame, unless you are trying to make the case that she made him do it.
 
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SemperJase:
Not only is he not innocent. He is 100% to blame, unless you are trying to make the case that she made him do it.
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No and actually even saying something like that to me is wrong, but you dont know me or how i am so I cant say you are wrong in this case but one of my many many sins is beating the living hell out of men who hit women its something that makes me loose all temper.
But from what you posted about the one person NOT wanting the divorce but the other did it was the blame of the person that did, I merely brought up a situation i see too much of, as an example of a person who dont want a divorce but is mostly to blame.On that note do i know women whom force a man to hit them, Yes i sure do, i have seen it,does that make it right for him to hit her NO not at all, but everyone has a “break point”
I have a few karate students in fact that planned to get thier husbands to smack them around so they would be guaranteed custody of the kids in a divorce…

as far as the marriage of almost 19 years trust me I know well what you are saying,do I think you should be "stuck with someone whom does certain things? NO WAY.
I think i have stated before I was married over 18 years,and I take some of the blame of the divorce,
all I am saying is there is no such thing as “NO FAULT”
you may be faultless in what the final line crossed was, but everything adds up.like sticking a penny in a large jar everyday someday when you go to look its full and overflowing…
John
 
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johntkd:
But from what you posted about the one person NOT wanting the divorce but the other did it was the blame of the person that did,
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My point wasn’t about who filed for divorce. My point was that one person can do everything humanly possible to keep a marriage together and the other person still decide to divorce.
as far as the marriage of almost 19 years trust me I know well what you are saying,do I think you should be "stuck with someone whom does certain things? NO WAY.
I think i have stated before I was married over 18 years,and I take some of the blame of the divorce,
all I am saying is there is no such thing as “NO FAULT”
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If you accept some of the fault in your divorce, I can understand that. But I don’t think your experience is representative of all divorces.

I’ve seen marriages split where only one person is the reason for divorce. In the one case I cited, I think it is amazing that people here would still place blame on the husband who wanted to keep his marriage together when the wife took full responsibility for leaving.
 
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SemperJase:
My point wasn’t about who filed for divorce. My point was that one person can do everything humanly possible to keep a marriage together and the other person still decide to divorce.

If you accept some of the fault in your divorce, I can understand that. But I don’t think your experience is representative of all divorces.

I’ve seen marriages split where only one person is the reason for divorce. In the one case I cited, I think it is amazing that people here would still place blame on the husband who wanted to keep his marriage together when the wife took full responsibility for leaving.
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And I will yet again come up with something you obviously have over looked here,
we have only heard one side of this story
a poster can claim anything they want to,without the other side of the story we cannot jump up and down and even remotely say the other side is to Blame, thats not only gossiping, but also being judgemental,
Not only that but its entirely possible that his spouse said that to avoid an ugly confrontation, Noone knows for sure, what I do know with dealing with so many divorced people is I have never ever met a couple where only one was at fault,and trust me I deal with tons of divorced people, and there are always 2 sides to every story…

So I will stick with my own opinion on this.
John
 
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johntkd:
And I will yet again come up with something you obviously have over looked here,
we have only heard one side of this story
a poster can claim anything they want to,without the other side of the story we cannot jump up and down and even remotely say the other side is to Blame, thats not only gossiping, but also being judgemental,
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I haven’t overlooked anything. I knew both people and talked to both people. I heard both sides of the story. Yes, you have only heard me tell it. I’m not sure why you would assume I’m lying. Possibly because it conflicts with your preconceived view?

What would be wrongly judgemental would have been for me to say that the husband was at fault after hearing both sides of that story. I couldn’t imagine that conversation. “Your wife says that you are a great husband and father and that it was her decision alone to leave. But I know you still share the blame for her leaving. You must have done something.”

What I do know is they both made vows. She didn’t keep hers and admits it.
 
I have to agree with you SemperJase, we all make mistakes, we all do things wrong but when one person is trying to the best of their ability to keep the marriage together… it can take ONE person to end it.
My first marriage was like that. I did everything I could to keep it together. Everything. I may not have done it all right but I did what I could at the time. My husband had no intention of being a married man. And I do NOT take the blame at all for the marriage ending. He was not going to stay married, no matter what I did. Pure and simple.
 
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Catholic4aReasn:
. My husand very much feels that I’m a prude and a priss and sees my attempt to live a life pleasing to God as a judgement on his immorality. Talking to him about this is out of the question unfortunately because he will, without a doubt, see my attempt to talk to him about it as a personal judgement. Any other suggestions?
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Hi
Just last week i heard a testimony from another catholic…who was trying hard to convert her unbelieving husband…when God revealed this verse to her “Wives…accept the authority of your husband, so that if some of them do not obey the word, they may be won over, without a word by their wives conduct, when they see the purity & reverence of your lives” 1 Pet 3:1-2. It proved hard but this person said that she concentrated on her conduct asking God to reveal her failures & all the time did not speak a word to her husband regarding the failures she saw in him. It took years but he is now living for the Lord.
When i read ur post this crossed my mind so i thought i’ll share it. Hope it helps you. Bye. God Bless. Shall keep u in prayer.
 
That’s what I’m doing. It’s the “purity and reverence of my life” that turns him off. Thanks for sharing the verse. It will be a good one for me to memorize.

In Christ,
Nancy 🙂
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under_his_wing:
Hi
Just last week i heard a testimony from another catholic…who was trying hard to convert her unbelieving husband…when God revealed this verse to her "Wives…accept the authority of your husband, so that if some of them do not obey the word, they may be won over, without a word by their wives conduct, when they see the purity & reverence of your lives" 1 Pet 3:1-2. It proved hard but this person said that she concentrated on her conduct asking God to reveal her failures & all the time did not speak a word to her husband regarding the failures she saw in him. It took years but he is now living for the Lord.
When i read ur post this crossed my mind so i thought i’ll share it. Hope it helps you. Bye. God Bless. Shall keep u in prayer.
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I was writing down the verse that the last poster recommended and a question came to mind that I’ve been trying to figure out for a while.

How do I set a good example for my husband without turning him off to Christianity? I’m not going to get drunk with him etc…so how does one balance pleasing God and not turning off the unbelieving husband?

In Christ,
Nancy 🙂
 
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Catholic4aReasn:
I was writing down the verse that the last poster recommended and a question came to mind that I’ve been trying to figure out for a while.

How do I set a good example for my husband without turning him off to Christianity? I’m not going to get drunk with him etc…so how does one balance pleasing God and not turning off the unbelieving husband?

In Christ,
Nancy 🙂
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I do not think that anyone suggested you get drunk with your husband…I think you are refering to the post that suggested sharing a bottle of wine and a good movie? Am I worng? Just sharing some wine - which CAN help you both relax in a potentially uncomfortable/difficult situation - does not by any means suggest you “get drunk” with your husband. If you think you or your husband may drink too much, make it a ~small~ bottle of wine 😉 If neither of you drink, then make it a couple of cups of cocoa. The point is to do whatever you can to make sure you are both relaxed.
Anne
Anne
 
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