How do I minister to my husband in this situation?

[martino]

I havent read every single post but it seems that the majority of the people are saying that in a situation like this one the wife/mothers’s responsibility to herself and her children trumps any responsibility she may have to her spouse.

Catholic4aReason, we are all very obviously on the outside looking in…but I would like to know if you would agree with this assessment.

If your main concern before was to your spouse, would this be a different and possibly better way of looking at it?

 

[Catholic4aReasn]

What is your suggestion?

In Christ,
Nancy

Scout:

I’m sorry to say it like this, but if you’re unwilling to set boundaries and are going to continue to let him say and do whatever he wants, then I suggest you just get used to him treating you this way. You’re not willing to make any changes or ask him to do the same, so what’s the point of seeking advice? Until you’re willing to stand up for yourself, and your children, he’s going to continue to treat you however he wants.

Also, I know you feel that this is your chance to witness to your husband for Christ, but what are you really teaching him? That Christians can be walked-over anytime the mood strikes him? That Christians are a bunch of wimps who won’t stand up for themselves. He’s abusive. No where did Jesus tell us that wives were supposed to be mules to be abused anytime anyone felt like it. And if he’s talking this way to you now, get ready-because sooner or later he’s going to start talking this way to the children.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[Catholic4aReasn]

What do you recommend?

In Christ,
Nancy
Island Oak:

Perhaps the very last thing you should want for your kids is to let them grow up thinking that it is perfectly acceptable within a marriage for one spouse to manipulate, abuse, ignore and demean the other spouse. The seeds you are planting will bear poisonous fruit for yet another generation.

After following this thread I’m forced to ask what you really think you’re accomplishing. You’re unhappy, walking on eggshells, providing a skewed and disturbed example of marriage to your kids and mistakenly believing it’s all being done to honor your religious convictions–when in reality it demeans them because they are being used as an excuse to avoid dealing with a pathology in your relationship.

You have a responsibility–to yourself, your children and your God to move outside your comfort zone and try to cure the cancer that will destroy your family’s life. Is it really worth placating your husband at all costs–including your children’s emotional and spiritual welfare as well as your own? How have you let him get such a hold over you that you are willing to sacrifice your own God-given dignity to keep him around? You know by now that being meek is not going to turn him around, but only further encourage his mistreatment and self-centeredness. So how long are you willing to keep living like this?!

 

[KCT]

Catholic4aReasn:

Hi!

I’ve left parties before and always know that I’ll be facing several days of being completely invisible.

Who says you have to stay and put up with it? Take the kids and go to a hotel or visit family for a few days. Or ask him to go to a hotel until he gets over it. Call his bluff.

My husband has had one foot out the door before and the very last thing I want is for my kids to grow up living in two different places. It’s kind of a delicate situation.

I’m sure it is. I don’t mean to be insensitive, but it seems like as long as you keep doing what you’re doing, nothing will change. —KCT

In Christ,
Nancy

 

[Catholic4aReasn]

Thank you!

dulcissima:

Just so you know where I am coming from here, I have probably lived pretty similarly to the way that you have, and all that I have accomplished is to spoil my husband. I certainly haven’t brought him any closer to God. In fact by allowing him to treat me in such an unloving and disprespectful manner, I have probably done just the opposite. I never shared any of his treatment of me with my family because I didn’t want to damage him in their eyes. They saw enough to disturb them, but there was a whole lot more that they had no idea about. I didn’t want to go to counseling, because I knew I would be told to leave.

Finally, I did get to the point that I knew something had to be done, and started asking for counseling and for my husband to give up drinking. He wouldn’t do this. Finally, we had a blow up, and I made plans to move out. Like your husband, mine had threatened to leave me for years. Well, when he saw that I really was going to leave, he made me every promise to change, and he did try, for a couple of weeks. That was almost a year ago. Our old patterns reestablished themselves, and he is just as abusive as ever. Last December though this all came up in confession, and my priest told me I have to leave him since he is not willing to get help and this is a situation that is harming me and harming my children. I told him I really wasn’t ready to do that, and my priest actually gave me a deadline to do it, no later than June. I do feel like that was the Holy Spirit talking to me, telling me what I already knew deep down inside. I am working with my parents and plan to meet that deadline. I really do hope that is what it will take to wake my husband up, because my strategy of being loving and forgiving certainly wasn’t working. I’m not telling him about these plans because I think he could be dangerous if he knew that he was losing control over me, and also because this is not just a threat. I AM leaving with no intention of coming back.

I am not telling you all this not because I think you have to do just what I am doing, I’m just letting you know that what you are doing is not effective. It is not going to bring your husband any closer to God, and it is not a healthy life for you or your children. You are going to need to DO something. I think talking to a priest about your particular situation would be a good starting point.

 

[Catholic4aReasn]

That’s a very good question. One well worth considering. Thank you!

In Christ,
Nancy

martino:

I havent read every single post but it seems that the majority of the people are saying that in a situation like this one the wife/mothers’s responsibility to herself and her children trumps any responsibility she may have to her spouse.

Catholic4aReason, we are all very obviously on the outside looking in…but I would like to know if you would agree with this assessment.

If your main concern before was to your spouse, would this be a different and possibly better way of looking at it?

 

[ConcernCatholic]

I know you do not want to consider a separation buy you may just have to go on the offensive. The best defense is a good offense. Someone suggested that you call his bluff. If he wants to leave, let him. In my previous posts, I did not realize children were involved and I also did not realize the depth of what is going on until you added more to the picture. It is difficult for outsiders to give advice because we do not know all the details. Nobody wants to be separated but you cannot continuing living like this. You need to set boundaries and give him a time frame to comply. If he refuses, then proceed to leave or kick him out. When my husband was treating me less than wonderful, I gave him an ultimatum that he either shape up or I was shipping out. He knew I meant it so he shaped up. If he thinks that he can use you as a door mat, he will. We teach people how to treat us. If you sit around and take it because you are afraid of getting the silent treatment, then he is going to continue this treatment of you indefinitely. Of course, I have to add the disclaimer that I cannot and will not tolerate this type of treatment. I was in an abusive relationship once and I refuse to let my husband even think of going down that path. Please forgive me if my advice sounds harsh.

 

[Scout]

Catholic4aReasn:

What is your suggestion?

In Christ,
Nancy

My suggestion, as others have stated on this thread, is to set some boundaries in your relationship. For example, you may want to go to couples therapy together. If he is unwilling to do this, then tell him you’re leaving-with the children. Tell him you’re unwilling to let him continue to belittle you like he has been. If he doesn’t stop, then you’re leaving.

These are just suggestions, but regardless of what boundaries you set, you have to stick to the consequences you put forth when he crosses those boundaries. It doesn’t do him or you any good to set boundaries if you are unwilling to follow-through on the consequences.

Also, think about this. I don’t know if you have a daughter or not, but if you do, do you want her future husband treating her the way your husband treats you? It’s common that “girls marry their fathers”. Is this what you want for her? Also, Mary is our wonderful Mother. Can you imagine Mary wanting one of her daughters to be treated this way? Just something to think about.

So, think about what you want from the marriage and what you want your husband to work on. Then, talk to him and explain the boundaries to him. Then be ready for the consequences, whether they’re good or bad. He needs to know that you’re serious. He needs to know that this kind of behavior is unacceptable-and right now, what you’re doing isn’t working.

Please know that my heart goes out to you. I’m sure this is an extremely difficult situation for you to be in, and I can’t even imagine all that you’re feeling right now. My prayers are with you, but most importantly than that, Our Lord and Our Mother are with you.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[Catholic4aReasn]

Thank you! We can use all the prayers we can get!!

In Christ,
Nancy

Scout:

My suggestion, as others have stated on this thread, is to set some boundaries in your relationship. For example, you may want to go to couples therapy together. If he is unwilling to do this, then tell him you’re leaving-with the children. Tell him you’re unwilling to let him continue to belittle you like he has been. If he doesn’t stop, then you’re leaving.

These are just suggestions, but regardless of what boundaries you set, you have to stick to the consequences you put forth when he crosses those boundaries. It doesn’t do him or you any good to set boundaries if you are unwilling to follow-through on the consequences.

Also, think about this. I don’t know if you have a daughter or not, but if you do, do you want her future husband treating her the way your husband treats you? It’s common that “girls marry their fathers”. Is this what you want for her? Also, Mary is our wonderful Mother. Can you imagine Mary wanting one of her daughters to be treated this way? Just something to think about.

So, think about what you want from the marriage and what you want your husband to work on. Then, talk to him and explain the boundaries to him. Then be ready for the consequences, whether they’re good or bad. He needs to know that you’re serious. He needs to know that this kind of behavior is unacceptable-and right now, what you’re doing isn’t working.

Please know that my heart goes out to you. I’m sure this is an extremely difficult situation for you to be in, and I can’t even imagine all that you’re feeling right now. My prayers are with you, but most importantly than that, Our Lord and Our Mother are with you.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[SemperJase]

martino:

I havent read every single post but it seems that the majority of the people are saying that in a situation like this one the wife/mothers’s responsibility to herself and her children trumps any responsibility she may have to her spouse.

I don’t think that is the message we want to send. That makes it sound as if the husband is not important. Quite the opposite. The most important relationship in a family is between the husband and wife. It sets the standard for all other relationships.

However, if a husband becomes abusive he is damaging the family. The wife should set boundaries for acceptable behavior. “Show us your *****” is unacceptable. For his benefit she needs to tell him she won’t tolerate that anymore.

If he decides he does not want boundaries, he will then need to accept the consequences for his actions. As a last resort, seperation should be an option.

But Catholic4aReasn, we aren’t saying pack up and leave tomorrow. There is a ways to go. The purpose of our advice is to heal your marriage, not break it up. However, saying you will never leave no matter what means that he will never change. It must be an option - a truly last resort. Once you acknowledge this, you will have motivation to work through it. Hopefully so will he.

From your desription, it sounds more likely that he is threatening to leave. It might not be a bluff. But you need to take away this weapon by not caving to his threat. If you tell him, “if you leave, that is your decision, but I will not allow you to mistreat me to get you to stay.” Don’t accept the blame for what you did not do.

He already disrespects you. Standing up for better treatment can’t make him disrespect you anymore and he may actually respect you for doing it.

 

[cricket331]

Sorry after reading the “rest of the picture” I have to agree with a lot of the posters here, next time he threatens to leave tell him well you have said that so many times now, try not to let the door hit you on the way out,and tell him to leave the “good suitcase” that that one is yours,

if you stop and think about it there is nothing wrong with boundries, Jesus gave us Boundries to stick by, and we are asked to be as much like him as we possibly can,
so Start being as much like him as possible set the boundries and dont budge on them, BUT make sure he knows what they are.
we were notified of our boundries,

Other than that my brother says send him to his Martial arts class,he will learn respect for all humans with time

God Bless you in this 

              Nancy

 

[martino]

SemperJase:

I don’t think that is the message we want to send. That makes it sound as if the husband is not important. Quite the opposite. The most important relationship in a family is between the husband and wife. It sets the standard for all other relationships.

You dont think that in a situation like this, that a mother’s primary concern should be for her children?

That is all I told her.

 

[SemperJase]

martino:

You dont think that in a situation like this, that a mother’s primary concern should be for her children?

No. Her primary concern should be for her family, including her husband. The primary relationship in the family is the wife and husband. The children learn from this relationship. They get security from it. The learn how to treat other people. Only when that relationship is irrepairably broken do the children become a higher priority. Yes, her husband isn’t treating her well now and may be a poor example but we don’t know that the relationship is irrepairable. It is important to work on it.

It sounds like her priorities are on the right track, she doesn’t want her children to live without their father. That is good.

Setting the boundaries we are talking about not only benefits her and her children, it benefits her husband who needs to learn acceptable behavior and will receive the love of his family in return when that behavior shows respect for his wife.

 

[Lone_Catholic]

Nancy–

I just want to recommend a book that to me was life changing. It is called Created to be His Help-Meet by Debi Pearl. She is not Catholic, but a very fundamentalist Christian, so you will need to read it with your Catholic lenses in and filter out some things. She is very “Bible only” and quotes only from the King James Version. But I am in a similar situation as you, although my husband does at least call himself a Christian, but not Catholic. The behavior you describe sounds aLOT like my husband. I also have an article somewhere that I read by Gregory Popcack that is very good. I’ll try looking for it. Please check out this book.

Meanwhile, I have an issue of my own that I’m getting ready to post about. Maybe you can give ME some advise!

 

[Catholic4aReasn]

Thanks!

I’ll be looking for your post.

In Christ,
Nancy
Lone Catholic:

Nancy–

I just want to recommend a book that to me was life changing. It is called Created to be His Help-Meet by Debi Pearl. She is not Catholic, but a very fundamentalist Christian, so you will need to read it with your Catholic lenses in and filter out some things. She is very “Bible only” and quotes only from the King James Version. But I am in a similar situation as you, although my husband does at least call himself a Christian, but not Catholic. The behavior you describe sounds aLOT like my husband. I also have an article somewhere that I read by Gregory Popcack that is very good. I’ll try looking for it. Please check out this book.

Meanwhile, I have an issue of my own that I’m getting ready to post about. Maybe you can give ME some advise!

 

[martino]

SemperJase:

No. Her primary concern should be for her family, including her husband. The primary relationship in the family is the wife and husband. The children learn from this relationship. They get security from it. The learn how to treat other people. Only when that relationship is irrepairably broken do the children become a higher priority. Yes, her husband isn’t treating her well now and may be a poor example but we don’t know that the relationship is irrepairable. It is important to work on it.

It sounds like her priorities are on the right track, she doesn’t want her children to live without their father. That is good.

Setting the boundaries we are talking about not only benefits her and her children, it benefits her husband who needs to learn acceptable behavior and will receive the love of his family in return when that behavior shows respect for his wife.

youve got me all wrong. im not saying that she should leave, i never said that. I dont even disagree with anything that you have said but you seem to be missing my point. you said that 1) the primary relationship is between the husband and wife because the children learn from it…very true! you also said that
2) its good that she doesnt want her children to live without their father. Both of those statements had the same end or goal…the benefit of the children, which ultimately is the most important factor in all of this.

that was the point i was making…or trying to make!

 

[Lone_Catholic]

I have been thinking about your situation. I just wanted to say one thing, and I think it might have already been said in a different way… But I think it is important for you to look (even if you have to look REALLY hard) for the good in your husband. One person said in reference to his using that word, that he saw that as your husband asking “how can I please you” even though obviously his way of wording it was not the best for you. I don’t think you owe him an apology as one poster said, but I would try to clarify it. Just try to focus on the positive, if possible. You could say that you are sorry if you made him feel bad or whatever. I think there is a lot of truth to what one poster said about men being very sensitive in this area.

I can definitely sympathize with you. My husband has told me that I have changed and am not the fun-loving girl he married. I have been trying very hard to get the fun-loving me back without the kinkiness, and he did comment to me once not too long ago that he could tell that I was trying harder to be “nice” to him and he appreciates it. That was so good to hear! But I do think it is hard on a husband to marry one thing and a few years later realize he is not married to the same girl. Hopefully we can save our husbands… but it won’t be done by being a prude–not saying you are one… but I think it will be done by relating to him on his level a bit, and trying to be what he needs. The problem comes in trying to find a good balance of loving him without sinning.

I’ll say a prayer for you!

 

[JeffAustralia]

I wasn’t sure whether to repost here or not, as I think I caused some offense before. I wasn’t trying to give any “final judgement”, as I know I don’t know the full story. Even if we knew the story 100% from your side, we still don’t know hubby’s side. The previous poster said that you should try to see the good in him, and that’s absolutely key to getting yourself a solution. You’ll never “shame” him into changing. He’s a grown man. He will only ever do what he WANTS to do.

Can I ask you this? Why did you marry him? What was it about him that made you think that this was a man with a wonderful set of qualities, and you wanted to share the rest of your life with him? Are things the same, or did they change along the way? ie. If he hasn’t changed, why were his qualities sufficient before and not now? If he HAS changed, then why has he? Part of your solution is one of the following: (a) Unless you can re-see the good in him that you used to see, and re-learn to be happy with that, then you’ll never sort this out. or (b) unless you can find out what MADE him change, and to show him by warmth/encouragement/acceptance/tolerance etc. that you still love the man that he still is underneath, then you’ll never sort this out. Not saying it’s your fault OR his. Just saying that you need to get back to that original love you had when you married him. Now, either YOU’VE changed, or HE’S changed. Time for some changing back!

 

[Nana_Rose]

It is late here in Michigan, about 10:30 pm and I haven’t read every post, but many of them. I am amazed by some of the responses.

When I first read your post I couldn’t help but immediately feel that there is more going on here than you have shared. This is a bigger problem than meets the eye. I have a feeling that this has been building up over many years, and it looks by some of the later posts that you also have children. My advice, please go talk to your priest and get a good marriage counselor. Sounds like you need professional help. Your husband’s treatment is cruel and spiteful. Whatever is at the core of this…you need help getting at it.
I will be praying for you.

 

[Catholic4aReasn]

I must thank everyone for their kind advice! To be fair to my husband I must point out that there are two sides to every story and you are only getting one of them here. It takes two for a marraige to succeed and two for a marraige to fail. All of the blame cannot be put on one set of shoulders.

I hope that all of you will be keep my husband in prayer that his heart will be open to the Lord!

Thanks everyone! I’ll continue to be watching what else you have to say.

In Christ,
Nancy