How to treat young, unwed mothers

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Dear Jennifer,

Whew! That article is long. I quickly read about half of it; maybe when my eyes uncross I’ll read the rest. Anyway, a direct link to that article is:
catholiceducation.org/articles/sexuality/se0002.html
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princz23:
Like Dr. James Dobson says, if your child was going to jump off a bridge would you simply say “okay, if I can’t talk you out of it, at least take this life jacket”. Chances are you would do whatever it takes to keep him or her from jumping.
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Of course. We are assuming here that the danger is that her body will be physically harmed, and the life jacket will do nothing to prevent it. In essence, the result is exactly the same with or without the life jacket.

I don’t think that comparison is completely applicable to the choice I was pondering. I agree that preventing fornication is best (and I will read your article because my oldest daughter is in 9th grade and she has friends she would like to council on this very subject), but my analogy with the drugs was about whether contraception adds injury to the mistake of fornication. From your post, I didn’t understand whether you quite answered that. I say that spiritually, it’s a wash. Either way you are dealing with mortal sin. This assumes, of course, we are not using abortifacients. From that perspective the life jacket analogy looks OK.

Here’s where the analogy with the life jacket breaks down; the temporal effects of using contraception and prophylactics in addition to committing fornication are tremendously different. Is contraception so bad that it is wrong to prevent a baby from being produced when sex shouldn’t even be happening in the first place? If so, does it outweigh the benefits of possibly preventing (though not reliably, for sure) an incurable disease, which may harm babies in the future and/or render her sterile or kill her?

I’d say it more like this: if a person were about to jump off a bridge, I would try to stop that person. If I thought I could not stop the person from jumping, then I would try to get the fire department to stretch a net below the person. It may not save a life, but then again it just might.
All I’m am saying is if you read this article, you may learn something better to do than hand them contraception. As far as finding a way to keep them from doing it, apparently the Dept. of Social Services workers in KY think parents should be able to because a few of the kids I work with have been removed from parents home because they managed to have sex.
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I will read the article as you suggest, and I hope I will find out some tips for my daughter to share with her friends.

Removing kids from a home because they managed to have sex sounds extremely, well, extreme. Please tell me there is much more to the story, or I will consider the DSS action as legalized kidnapping.

Alan
 
Alan,

The analogy with the life jacket fits even non abotifacient birth control in that it is “too little, too late” most of the time. The article explains that most teenagers who head down this road (and I am not talking only from having read about it, but personal and professional experience with teens as well) use the barrier methods, except when they don’t. They may think it is pretty good to use it most of the time. With condoms, I have known teens to reuse them! The diseases you are wanting to prevent can easily penetrate the tiny holes in a condom. They are playing with fire. In addition, the health problems for women do not come from the disease alone. Just having sex too early can cause damage to a young developing female, physically and psychologically.

When I was trained to talk to teens about drugs, we learned that the research is very clear about two things. 1) Parents who try to control their children lose their ability to influence. Parents have much more influence than the peer group if they stay involved. 2) Parents who send a mixed message are more likely to influence their child to do what they do not want them to do. For example, “I do not want you to drink, but I would rather you drink at home if you are going to”. Many alcoholics begin with this mixed message. The same goes for “I don’t want you to have sex, (and then the confusion begins for the teen) IF YOU DO, USE A CONDOM, ETC.” . What logical assumption would you draw? Apparently Mom or Dad thinks I will, or should, or won’t listen. What reason has Mom or Dad given me that I shouldn’t do this when I think it will feel good?

The article will give you reasons to give them, great reasons. This generation of kids is starving for family values and less divorce. They will listen, if we tell them.
 
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princz23:
The analogy with the life jacket fits even non abotifacient birth control in that it is “too little, too late” most of the time. The article explains that most teenagers who head down this road (and I am not talking only from having read about it, but personal and professional experience with teens as well) use the barrier methods, except when they don’t. They may think it is pretty good to use it most of the time. With condoms, I have known teens to reuse them! The diseases you are wanting to prevent can easily penetrate the tiny holes in a condom. They are playing with fire. In addition, the health problems for women do not come from the disease alone. Just having sex too early can cause damage to a young developing female, physically and psychologically.
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Dear Jennifer,

I don’t question your facts, as I have made those same arguments myself. I stand by my comments on which analogy is more apt. The life jacket one, to me, is always ineffective. The net one is ineffective depending on several factors such as if the jumper misses it entirely, or if the jumper lands on their head. Surely you are not claiming that it is impossible for those products, properly used, to prevent pregnancy or disease transmission? Unless that is your claim, I suggest you consider abandoning the life jacket thing because it does not impress me, nor will it impress a teenager who actually wishes to find flaws in your argument. (Believe it or not, that is not my goal.)
  1. Parents who try to control their children lose their ability to influence. Parents have much more influence than the peer group if they stay involved.
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I fully agree with that. I found that out with my own children!

Plus, when I was young, and my wonderful parents tried to control me I quit being honest with them and got sneaky about what I was doing. My parents, of course, who always loved me but got really stupid when I was about 15, all of a sudden got really smart again when I was about 23, living on my own.:rolleyes:
  1. Parents who send a mixed message are more likely to influence their child to do what they do not want them to do. For example, “I do not want you to drink, but I would rather you drink at home if you are going to”. Many alcoholics begin with this mixed message. The same goes for “I don’t want you to have sex, (and then the confusion begins for the teen) IF YOU DO, USE A CONDOM, ETC.”
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That is a very difficult problem, and I agree it is a mixed message. Same problem with schools giving kids condoms or government giving addicts clean needles, or getting married with a prenuptial agreement.

I had hoped to avoid this difficulty by framing my argument as which I would find worse about my daughter, not which I would tell her before the fact. Luckily, over the last few years I have been moved to form a very close, honest, non-judgmental relationship with my own daughter in which we have gotten beyond that sort of thing. She tells me that none of her friends have anything close to that kind of relationship with their own parents, which is very sad because those girls really need it.
They will listen, if we tell them.
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I agree that they will listen if we tell them, as long as we have not been preachy, judgmental, condescending, controlling, distrustful, or any other thing that parents are taught by society that they should be to fulfill their role, and that we have developed a close and honest relationship over a period of time. Otherwise, they will hear, but may not listen, but of course you knew that.

Even with a caring, loving, on-your-side attitude which is absent of the attributes above, I will wholeheartly agree with one thing. They will not listen if we do not tell them!

Like I said, I still plan to read that article, God willing. Thank you for all your thoughtful and expert discourse on this topic.

Alan
 
Surely you are not claiming that it is impossible for those products, properly used, to prevent pregnancy or disease transmission?
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Alan, I am not claiming that it is impossible for these products to prevent disease or pregancy, I am saying that it only has to not work one time to mean your daughter has a disease or pregnancy. It could work the other times and would that matter? If the use of such products had lured your daughter into a false sense of security only to have her devastated later you would probably not care if they worked properly “sometimes”. Not to mention, most teens do not use them properly.

I actually do not use the life jacket analogy with teens. I have had success using the info in the painfully long article you referenced . They want to have successful marriages later on in life. They are almost desperate for that and yet many have given up hope that it can happen. When you share with them the four step formula Janet Smith details, they become hopeful. They need to know there is a reason to NOT have sex in a world that screams at them to do so.

The kids I work with are like your daughter’s friends, but probably worse. Many of their parents are drug addicts or uninvolved in their children’s lives. I sometimes do nothing more than give them an adult to talk to who is saying something that makes a lot of sense to them.
 
Make sure your kids don’t see those young unwed mothers or they will think it is acceptable behavior.
 
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Lilyofthevalley:
How to treat young, unwed mothers? With compassion. The thing I do NOT understand is young, unwed, mothers pregnant by three or four different men.
It makes me wonder what are they thinking>?
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I’m a little late to this thread but I came across Lily’s post and I’m confused. How does one get pregnant by multiple men? I suppose it would be possible if more than one ovum is released at ovulation but … “It makes me wonder what are they thinking?” Maybe they’re thinking, “How’d I get pregnant by all these guys?”

What young unwed mothers were thinking is irrelevant and my experience has been that such speculation usually has a judgmental outcome.
  • JP
 
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j_arden:
I’m a little late to this thread but I came across Lily’s post and I’m confused. How does one get pregnant by multiple men? I suppose it would be possible if more than one ovum is released at ovulation but … “It makes me wonder what are they thinking?” Maybe they’re thinking, “How’d I get pregnant by all these guys?”

What young unwed mothers were thinking is irrelevant and my experience has been that such speculation usually has a judgmental outcome.
  • JP
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I believe she was referring to unmarried women who have several children- all by different men. And the frame of mind they must have (or lack) to find themselves in that situation.

And as far as being judgemental- we are often called to make judgments. I know that my indiscretions have created a situation where I will be judged. Sometimes unfairly, yes- but I should not expect to continue through life free from judgement, especially when my indiscretion has repercussions well beyond the boundries of myself.
 
I am an adoptive mother. That means I owe the women who gave birth to unplanned child when it cost them many troubles.

Most young women will support a friend who aborts. My son’s birth mom had friends (not good ones, it seems) who told her they didn’t want to hear about her grief from placing the baby. If she didn’t want him, why didn’t she just abort him? Seriously.!

That birth mom has chosen not to be a closet birth mom. She has pictures of our son at her office and happily tells people that he is her birth son. People usually ask if our son knows she is his “real” mom. To which she will express that she is not is the “real” mom. She thinks that woman he wants when he cries is the real mom. (I love that about her – lots more, too.)❤️

We have an open adoption with Christopher. That means that he is loved by more people. We have a slightly larger family and a wonderful gift of this birth mom and her parents in our lives.

So, while I struggle with why more young women consider adoption worse than aborting, :banghead:
I am finding myself a real messenger that birth moms are not bad women who didn’t want their babies. Birth moms loved their babies enough to give them life and choose a family for that child. The birth mom suffers but her suffering is tempered with knowing how her child is doing and maybe even having that child be part of their lives. :love:

I do wish that adoption was more approved of and less prejudiced against, but I will try to be open our life and I know one couple who just adopted a baby girl from a 17 year old birth mom and are willing to have an open adoption because of ours.
 
Thank you, Mamamull, for your wonderful story about adoption. I counsel women with addictions who are incarcerated. Many have had abortions but hide it. Often they have children that they either gave up for adoption or were removed at birth and adopted out by the state. I show love and compassion to all of these women, but I especially shower the mothers who gave up children for adoption with loving reassurance. They seem surprised to hear someone praise them for this.

Many times they are so ashamed to have done this. Most of the time they have other children that are staying with family and will reunite with them upon release or parole. The fact that they kept some children and allowed others to be adopted weighs heavily on them. I take time to reshape their thinking on the adoption to help them realize what a gift they have given to the child and the child’s adoptive parents. They may have many other guilt feelings that are justified, but I believe adoption is the most selfless act a birth mother can do.
 
Jp, there are ladies who have 3 or 5 children by different men. They are not married and the children are the ones suffering. I will certainly wonder what they thinking.
If that makes me the evil judgemental lady so be it.
 
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Ken:
Make sure your kids don’t see those young unwed mothers or they will think it is acceptable behavior.
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I’m not sure what you mean about this statement:confused: . How do you know when you see a young girl/woman on the street pushing a stroller that she’s a unwed mother? She can be the baby’s older sister, a young married woman, a baby sitter and so on.

I want to twist this question a bit. What about the young, unwed fathers? Where are they? It takes two people to make a baby. Why is it always the young, unwed mothers who have to take the blame and be judged?
 
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Sunniva:
I want to twist this question a bit. What about the young, unwed fathers? Where are they? It takes two people to make a baby. Why is it always the young, unwed mothers who have to take the blame and be judged?
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Because unless the young father is willing to take responsibility and be seen in public with his child, he doesn’t have the “scarlet letter” of pregnancy that the young mother has. Not good and not fair, but that’s the way things are here.

Mamamull,

Your son’s birth mother sounds like a very loving and gracious person. He’s very lucky to have so many people who love him and want the best for him.
 
I am late chimming in on this, but I needed to take the time to pray over my reply.First of all by withholding your judgement unless you know her story!!! I am a woman who had my first child at the age of 17, and the priest in her father’s parish advised me to not marry him, (at the time I wasn’t a member of the church) he re-enforced the fact that a marriage is for life, and didn’t want us to compound our mistakes.

Several years later I became pregnant again by a man I was engaged to, when he found out he jumped ship on me and our baby. There was no way I was going to abort my baby and my parents could not help me raise a second grandchild, so I made the then very painfull choice to place her for adoption at birth. I placed her thru Catholic Social Services, and I have been at peace with my choice ever since. I did take the option to keep my information up to date with them, and have given written consent for them to give my daughter access to it if she wants to contact me when she is old enough in the state where she was born. I also keep the medical history up to date with C.S.S. in the event there is anything that could effect her health in the future.

I try to go by our Lord’s own words, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
Peace be with you,
Linda H.
 
Young unwed mothers should be treated like everyone else - with dignity in light of the fact they are children of God. We do not have to approve of the act that put them in that position, but that does not give us the right to judge their hearts.
 
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Magster:
Young unwed mothers should be treated like everyone else - with dignity in light of the fact they are children of God. We do not have to approve of the act that put them in that position, but that does not give us the right to judge their hearts.
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On target, and succinct!

:amen:

Alan
 
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Magster:
Young unwed mothers should be treated like everyone else - with dignity in light of the fact they are children of God. We do not have to approve of the act that put them in that position, but that does not give us the right to judge their hearts.
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I was about to write the same words, when I noticed your post.
Hear hear!:amen:
 
I should treat young unwed mothers with the utmost respect, admiration and Christian love and not judge them in any way. She should be admired for her decision to give birth to her baby and raise her child on her own. She could very easily have taken the “other path”.

She should be made to feel welcome in Church and the Church should be capable of emotionally and spiritually supporting her. Sadly, unwed mother’s often do not feel comfortable or welcome in Church. If there is ever a time when a woman needs the support of her Church, it is when she’s raising a child on her own.

There is a judgmental side to my own personality that I am becoming aware of and I am trying to change. I have no right to judge anyone’s morals because I myself sin every day.

Blessings,
Shannin
 
I thought about this thread last Saturday night as a young woman sat in front of my family with her 1 year old son at church. I do not know that she was his mother, but she acted like a mother. My three year old loves babies and the woman could not help but notice us as well. I felt so blessed that God had helped me become less judgemental and more loving toward young mothers. I would never have acted poorly to her, even in the past, but I know that I privately would have judged her for having that baby out of wedlock. Thanks be to God that he took that from me and I could reach out to this young woman and the adorable baby. As far as my children seeing her, chastity is a lesson for later, loving babies is a lesson forever. I fear not that they will “get any ideas”.
 
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