How to treat young, unwed mothers

[meganfae]

Hehe, please dont just assume that because the woman looks young, she’s unwed. I’m marrying in the summer and we plan on having children soon after…yet I still look like I’m 13 (probably a feature that will go away fsoon after childbirth…but maybe I can maintain it). I grew up taking care of a sister who was thirteen years younger than I am and I’ve gotten the “evil eye” and the rude comments, and the just plain nosy comments all the time. Hold your tongue unless you know the whole story…and then hold your tongue until you know what you’re about to say will be pleasing to God.
I strongly believe that one of the main factors driving young women to abortion is the social stigma. When I took my young sister to see “Monsters Inc,” a woman would not let her children sit next to “that girl with the kid.” The theater was so packed that day, that when we got up to move away from the prejudiced mother and her ducklings, we could only find single open seats…so my 5 year old sister sat on my lap. I didnt make a scene because this was a special night for her with her big sister, so I didnt say anything to the woman. Please, God granted us with such extraordinary wisdom…think before you speak and leave the judging up to the Lord. Thank you to all those who do.

 

[Stephen-Maguire]

None of the above applies to me, I never look down on them, give them support, and it’s better for an unmarried girl to go full term, than a self righteous married woman to abort.

 

[mark_a]

princz23:

Come on everybody! Are SevenSorrows and I the only ones willing to admit that we have made mistakes in the past? Surely someone thinks this is important! I wanted to post it in the politics II forum, but I knew it would be moved. I just want to know if others that are strongly pro-life, show love to ones who choose life.

:tiphat: for being honest.

I must admit that the biggest mistakes of my life (and there are plenty of them) are the ones where I thought I knew better than the Church. Sometimes I could really kick myself in the behind for being such an idiot. I had the correct fundamental teachings to avoid sin, even though I was no scripture or catechism expert.

 

[Church_Militant]

I checked 3 but my view is one of both 3 & 4 because I want to treat her the way I would want to be treated in her place.

Also…unless the girl/woman is already a friend just where do I get off tossing my opinion at her like a hand grenade. What make s my comment even neccesary. In the end it will demand that I use the measure that I want used to me. I only know one perfect person, and He has to cut me a lot of slack in the form of His divine mercy.

 

[rayne89]

My bestfriend (since I was 12) was an unwed mom at 17, and she got married 2 weeks after her daughter was born(at 17).She owned her own house at 17 w/ her 21 year old husband. For the most part people were ok as far as she was treated althoughher sister did try to talk her into an abortion. The only thing I can remember is people talking to her as if she were stupid (like she didn’t know how to care of a baby.)

She was/is a very good mom. Her 15 year old daughter is a beautiful, very talented, intelligent young lady. I cringe when I think about if she would have listened to sister. By the way that sister is very close to her daughter and I can bet she cringes too.

My bestfriend also has a 10 year old daughter and a 21/2 year old son. I think I had a teeny bit of influence on the last one, she kept saying she wanted another one but hubby and her were “done”. They were married 15 years this past Aug. (- wow talk about beating the odds!)

My mom was an unwed mom - I’m adopted. I don’t know her, but I pray for her. And I wish I could tell her thank you for giving me the gift of life.

 

[katybird]

I’m old enough that you would have to look at my ring finger to see anything amiss when I’m with my son, and I guess people will probably assume I’m divorced or something.

I do worry about being a scandal to the youngsters in my parish… I’m especially grateful to my son’s godfather and his wife, as they are very protective of their homeschooled daughter and they’ve been there for me throughout the pregnancy.

You know, I used to torture myself with thoughts of “Do I really deserve this baby? Shouldn’t I give it to a nice, decent Catholic couple who have more money and are more virtuous than me?”

Well, I don’t care if I AM selfish. I love my son more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. He’s pretty much the ony person I’ve ever loved. I am not a druggie or an immature or irresponsible loser… I’m just a single mom who doesn’t have a lot of money.

I seriuosly considered adoption when I was pregnant, but whenever I looked at the profiles of potential parents I felt really sick to my stomach. Open adoptions are not legally enforcable: the parents can take the baby away and never so much as send a photo, ever again.

My own mother wanted me to place my son for adoption, even though I was 34 and had a college degree. She just believed very strongly that two parents were better and she cited all the statistics on how children of single moms were more likely to go to prison, etc. But, I knew that I would never abuse my son. I could only guarantee that I would truly love him. It just didn’t seem right to give him to a couple of strangers, just because they’d cleared a background check and owned a nice house and had plenty of money.

I do feel bad for people who want to adopt… but when I thought of how they wanted MY BABY and how they probably all felt self-righteous about how they would be better for my baby than I would, I just felt sick.

So, I couldn’t go that route.

I was very embarrassed to be pregnant. I was EXTREMELEY embarrassed to be pregnant by the man who had gotten my pregnant. I didn’t know how I could possibly care for a baby. An abortion costs maybe $350, and I could have come up with that much money very easily.

It would have been so much easier to just abort my baby.

But, I wanted him. I fell in love with him as soon as I realized he was in there.

He’s my precious darling and I love him more than anything. I love him more than I ever knew it was possible to love.

In fact, I’ll admit it - if I could go back in time, to before when I got pregnant, I’d probably do it all over again. I don’t care if it’s a sin… I love him so much and I’m glad I have him. I hope God can understand that and forgive me.

 

[rayne89]

katybird:

I do feel bad for people who want to adopt… but when I thought of how they wanted MY BABY and how they probably all felt self-righteous about how they would be better for my baby than I would, I just felt sick.

Ouch! You love your son so much imagine now if you could never have children. Adoption has nothing to do with being self righteous. People adopt A) because they are unable to have children of thier own and/or B) because they feel called to give a child a caring, loving home.

Adoption is not for everyone, and certainly keeping your child doesn’t make you selfish.

I can tell you this the fact that my mom gave me up probably saved my life. I was born with a life threatening heart problem, but it wasn’t known at the time of my adoption. My parents were older (early 40’s), already experience with medical issues, and had the financial means to get me to the best hospitals. I am in the 1st generation of babies that actually survived my defects.

I can’t imagine giving a child of mine up for adoption, even if in a difficult situation. I believe in my case my biological mom saved my life twice 1st by not having an abortion and then by placing me for adoption. I wish I tell her how grateful I am for doing something that must have broke her heart.

 

[Galieo]

AlanFromWichita:

My wife brought up another point. If you act judgmentally toward a young unwed mother, then you have judged Mary.Alan

You are equating our Most Holy Mother, the Immaculate Conception, the Second Eve whose most holy “Yes” at the Annuciation to an obvious fornicator (unless the woman was raped)? Seriously? You are kidding right?

I am not suggesting one treat an unwed mother with anything but compassion and warmth, but I find this comparison way off base.

 

[Magster]

katybird I love my son more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. He's pretty much the ony person I've ever loved. I am not a druggie or an immature or irresponsible loser... I'm just a single mom who doesn't have a lot of money.:

It is admirable that you allowed God’s will to be done and brought your baby into the world. That you chose to raise your son rather than put him up for adoption does not necessarily mean his upbringing will not be as good as if he were placed for adoption and been adopted into a family with a mother and father. There are, after all, no guarantees that the adoptive family would have remained intact. The fact that you have a college degree will probably make it a little easier to obtain employment to lessen the financial strain that usually comes with a child.

I do, however, take issue with your suggestion that those who seek to adopt children are self-righteous and think they will make better parents because they have more financial resources and a house. My brother and his wife have two adopted children and never have been self-righteous about their ability to raise the children as opposed to the biological parents. They are not wealthy and own a modest home. They have a semi-opened adoption with the one child’s biological mother and have never failed to send updated materials. They do not have a bad word to say about the birth mothers of either of their children but, rather, speak with great admiration for the selfless love for the children and faith in God those mothers showed by placing their children for adoption. My entire family is extremely grateful to these women.

I do not mean to imply that by not choosing to place your son for adoption that you were selfish or had no faith in God as certainly being a successful single parent also requires many acts of selflessness and faith in God. I would just like to give some reassurance to any pregnant woman who may read this thread and who is considering adoption that prospective adoptive parents greatly appreciate the extremely difficult decision made by anyone who places a child for adoption.

 

[catherinesiena]

If I come accross a single mother, who had or is having the baby at of wed lock, I will usually say nothing, unless there is a conversation about the above fact, then I will usually disagree with the sex part, but applaud going through with the pregnancy.

 

[AmyS]

Been there done that… and, truely I felt enough guilt with my decision to have sex and get pregnant out of wedlock… I didn’t need anyone pointing it out to me. I have mentioned before my daughter is the best thing that has ever happend to me. But, when I was pregnant I got looks, and words, and criticism…

I remember one time sitting at a resturant with my daughters father and this woman was sitting at the next table with her daughter and son… I was 21 but looked 16… The woman pointing me out to her children said “If you do anything like that when you grow up I will kill you (quite a stupid statement anyways)…” it didn’t stop at that she proceeded to cast more generalization about me and my situation. Well, I made sure she knew exactlly how wrong about me she was… Yes I made mistake but I was going to do all I could to make it right. I went on to tell her that she could only hope that her children would take mistakes they make in their lives and become better people out of them… She couldn’t speak afterwards.

One more thing… The most loving, gentle, kind people I delt with where the people from my church. I will never forget that either.

 

[Island_Oak]

How about treating them with the same level of courtesy and compassion we fellow sinners would hope to be treated with when we stumble and fall, albeit in a less visible way.

 

[caroljm36]

bapcathluth:

It is very sad to see such young girls sexually active in the first place. They are only children themselves.

Yes and though I don’t judge anyone but myself (and I have a lot to answer for) I can’t help but reflect just how much pressure there is on them to put out. It’s all so obscene, driven by our culture and the boys’ natural lust, and I think the girls respond in bad faith. I think deep down they want more, want to live a righteous life. Kids have this incredible innate altruism…but they’re settling for this because everyone else is getting down and dirty (or so they think), so it’s a race to the bottom. But they’ll say it’s what they “really want.”
False consciousness… It truly is the slavery of sin. But I do respect the ones that don’t abort.

 

[Lisa_N]

Linda H.:

I

Several years later I became pregnant again by a man I was engaged to, when he found out he jumped ship on me and our baby. There was no way I was going to abort my baby and my parents could not help me raise a second grandchild, so I made the then very painfull choice to place her for adoption at birth. I placed her thru Catholic Social Services, and I have been at peace with my choice ever since. I did take the option to keep my information up to date with them, and have given written consent for them to give my daughter access to it if she wants to contact me when she is old enough in the state where she was born. I also keep the medical history up to date with C.S.S. in the event there is anything that could effect her health in the future.

I try to go by our Lord’s own words, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
Peace be with you,
Linda H.

You made the right choice for the baby and I know you have made a couple very very happy. So often the best interest of the child is overcome by the incredible emotion and attachment to the child through the pregnancy. It’s not hard to understand but frankly a shame sometimes that adoption isn’t a more frequent option because often the child will have a more stable life with a married couple.

Two stories…a friend’s sister became pregnant in high school and she went to an unwed mother’s home (they had those back in the ‘old’ days) gave birth to a baby boy that she designated must be adopted by a Catholic family as they were all very committed Catholics. Her sister, my friend, became pregnant in college with the man she eventually married. She elected to abort even though she is Catholic. Even though she loved the father and in fact they have been married twenty plus years. They had one child and her husband contracted a disease that makes him unable to father other children. She says there isn’t a day goes by she doesn’t regret the abortion. But it just ‘wasn’t the right time.’ She also wishes that she’d been as courageous as her sister who understood the stigma of an unmarried woman being pregnant but elected to give her baby life.

Second case, a friends teen daughter became pregnant, also had her baby and requested the baby be adopted by a Catholic family. She got pregnant again but decided to keep the baby. She did marry the father but the marriage was on the rocks from day one. She is now living in a trailer, on TANF which will eventually run out. She has no skills, no way of making a living, and her baby is doomed to poverty. What a shame that child wasn’t also adopted out.

I think there are just too many times when adoption is the better choice but it will take a sea change in society to put that back on the front burner.

Lisa N

 

[Chris_Jacobsen]

How about just acting normal. Treat them kindly. And talk without preaching and without giving a lot of unasked for advice. A least I hope this is considered normal.

 

[Mamamull]

As an adoptive mom, I have nothing but respect for the women who gave me the greatest gift of entrusting their children to my care.

Open adoption agreements are not enforceable, but if one has gone through the whole process of a homestudy, one should have the concept firmly embedded in their mind that the child is the center of all adoption decisions.

Sure, openess didn’t sound tidy and desirable, but I am so very glad for the open relationships I have had. My son’s birth mom and I are especially close and I can’t imagine my life without her or my son. We have had less openness with Claire’s birth mom, but Karen and I are not strangers and care for each other.

Our newest son, while placed late by his birth mom and over a year ago, doesn’t bode well for an open relationship, but we aren’t closing the door on future contact – especially with his half siblings.

I don’t see myself as the most important member of the triad, but I don’t speak for all adoptive parents, I know. However, we aren’t all smug and superior and I can only hope that my example will lead someone else to be kinder in thought and deed to their child’s birth mom – and birth dad.

 

[Shoshana]

AmyS:

One more thing… The most loving, gentle, kind people I delt with where the people from my church. I will never forget that either.

Right on Amy! When my daughter who was 17 when she got pregnant, my husband’s and my siblings were very cold and judgmental. (except for a couple of them). I, nonetheless, organized a big shower for her (I come from a BIG family). I was going to celebrate the gift of life and I have done this since I was told of her pregancy. I was grateful to God that Kirk was allowed to live. He is 9 on December 20th.

My parish was very warm and compassionate. I could’ve had a shower with the parish for the many gifts I received for my grandson. My daughter started to go back to church after she told me the news. She has slipped since. I consecrated the baby to our Lady and I also recommend her.

Way to go Amy and God bless!
Shoshana smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/8/8_2_62.gif

 

[space_ghost]

Love your neighbor as yourself… treat them as you would want to be treated… or better yet… as you would want your wife, daughter, or granddaugher treated…

why would you treat them any other way?

 

[homeschoolhelen]

I was raised Catholic. I have two brothers and four sisters. My parents will celebrate their 50th Anniversary in 2005. I became pregnant at 27. I lived a secret life with boyfriends. My parents were outdated etc. When I became pregnant I was so embarassed, lost all self confidence and just hid for nine months. When I held our son in my arms, I knew I had him out of wedlock and felt sorry I did it this way. I married four months later, we will be married ten years in February. We now have four children and I am bringing the kids up with the teaching of abstinance, I know first hand that it was the devil that leads you to think premarital relations is okay if you are in love! I thank God that I was raised the way I was, it gave me somewhere to go when I got into trouble. God sent me this son to straighten me out, it worked. I have nothing but sympathy for anyone that has children outside of marriage. I know how that feels, no matter what that person says, it is shame you feel deep inside.

Blessings,
Helen

 

[Lisa_N]

space ghost:

Love your neighbor as yourself… treat them as you would want to be treated… or better yet… as you would want your wife, daughter, or granddaugher treated…

why would you treat them any other way?

I don’t see any need for unkindness, particularly for those women courageous enough to give a baby life, rather than abort. OTOH I think that young people need to understand the incredible responsibility of being parents and not become active sexually until they are able to financially and emotionally accept the consequences. Too much sex education is on technique and not enough on the power to create a life and the responsibilities.

I also wish there were more societal acceptance for adoption if the girl is unable to give the child a stable home. It is the most unselfish thing to do in many cases. I am not saying single moms can’t do the job, but the statistics are so clear that this is the fastest road to poverty and chaos for both mother and child.
Virtually ALL of the families coming to our homeless shelter are single mothers, often with kids from several different relationships. The fathers are almost never involved in parenting or financial support. It’s such a sad situation for the CHILDREN particularly.

It USED to be the usual thing for girls to give up their babies for adoption. Then the tide turned and there is very strong pressure to KEEP the child regardless of the dire straits the mother is in. We just had a major newspaper feature on street kids and the high incidence of pregnancy. The social workers explain this as 'They have rejected their own families and are trying to build families of their own…" or “They want something to love them…”
Unfortunately while I think these girls have the best of intentions, they really aren’t able to care for a child. You get the impression that most of the kids will end up struggling because of the lack of stability. The child’s need should come first and I applaud Mamamul and the rest of the big hearted adoptive moms.

Lisa N