I cheated on my husband

[JackieMom]

It is not living a lie. It is making a terrible mistake and correcting that mistake, for Catholics, confessing her sin to a priest (the OP is NOT a Catholic, which complicates things a little), and not repeating that mistake. She would be living a lie if she continued to have affairs.

But I am not going to continue to argue my POV, I know I am in the minority and do not wish to go on debating this point on the OP’s thread.

My recommendations to the OP remain: See your pastor or a priest (you will not receive absolution because you are not Catholic), talk to a therapist, make sure you never do such a thing again.

For the record, I think what you have suggested is the least destructive, most responsible and kindest way to proceed. Who benefits when she reveals her error?

 

[sojo]

Whatever you decide, do please tell your priest FIRST in confession. Most if not all priests will advise against telling your husband, but that’s neither here nor there. First confess and get clean. Then your prayers to help you figure out what to do will be more focused and the answer more clear.

Many times we are tempted to do things that will make us feel better, including unburdening ourselves and spilling our guts. But it is hard to discern if we are doing it for our spouse, our marriage or just to feel better ourselves. These are heavy things to sort out. Best to start with a clean slate, and then why not take advantage of the counsel of a holy priest who probably has more experience refereeing this particular human foible better than most of us.

 

[hurting]

Tell him, don’t let him be the fool.

Pick the time and the place. Prepare in every way possible to minimize the fallout, but he deserves to know.

Don’t let him end up like that 90 year old man in Italy…

Indeed. Consult a clergyman for help beforehand, but tell your husband. Yes, he deserves to know that his wife violated the most sacred vow a human being can make to another human being. The affair had to have affected your marriage in adverse ways whether you recognized it or not.

Resist the urge to seek counseling for the purpose of finding the reason (read: excuse) that you cheated.

As a practical matter, you are naive if you really believe that there is no way he could ever find out. If you carried on a 2-year emotional affair (I assume you mean largely online and/or via phone) you and your paramour left plenty of tracks for someone to discover.

 

[LaSainte]

“I agree with this. I would rather my husband was honest with me, so that I could make the decision of whether or not I wanted to spend my life with someone who was capable of doing this to me and our family.”

What sort of choice do the kids get? None at all. That doesn’t sound fair.

Well presumably the husband was a good enough man to stay faithful to his wife all this time, so hopefully, he will be willing to work through it. If not, at least she isn’t robbing him of his free will entirely by keeping it a secret.

 

[LaSainte]

For the record, I think what you have suggested is the least destructive, most responsible and kindest way to proceed. Who benefits when she reveals her error?

The HUSBAND benefits, because he gets to decide if be wants to spend the rest of his life with a liar and a cheat. She owes him that respect at least.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Whatever you decide, do please tell your priest FIRST in confession.** Most if not all priests will advise against telling your husband, but that’s neither here nor there.** First confess and get clean. Then your prayers to help you figure out what to do will be more focused and the answer more clear.

Many times we are tempted to do things that will make us feel better, including unburdening ourselves and spilling our guts. But it is hard to discern if we are doing it for our spouse, our marriage or just to feel better ourselves. These are heavy things to sort out. Best to start with a clean slate, and then why not take advantage of the counsel of a holy priest who probably has more experience refereeing this particular human foible better than most of us.

First, she’s not a Catholic as she explained earlier, so she can talk to a priest but not receive absolution for her sins.

Your statement above confuses me. You say that most priests will advise her NOT to tell her husband…And you know this how?? And then you say “that is neither here nor there.” I think it is very cogent - priests are trained in matters like this and do not advise people to do things out of hand. They do understand the spiritual aspects.

And then you say she SHOULD go to a priest again? And take his advice this time?

Confusing?

 

[LaSainte]

So let me get this straight:

Keeping secrets about your past and who you are and what you have done BEFORE the marriage is enough to invalidate the sacrament altogether if the person later finds out and seeks an anullment. BUT keeping secrets about cheating and lying to your spouse AFTER the wedding is just being kind and merciful? Please. This is so dishonest!

 

[LaSainte]

Also, secrets always come back to bite a person. Suppose this woman dies in her 90s and the lover, who has always pined for her, shows up at the funeral. The husband says “Hey, how did you know Betsy?” And he tells him about this affair they had years ago. That would DESTROY any memory he ever had of her for the remainder of his life. He would never be able to confront her, never be able to reconcile with her, never be able to ask her if she ever really even loved him.

I live my life so that there is NOTHING my spouse could ever find out about me after my death that would make him question or doubt who I really am.

 

[JackieMom]

So let me get this straight:

Keeping secrets about your past and who you are and what you have done BEFORE the marriage is enough to invalidate the sacrament altogether if the person later finds out and seeks an anullment. BUT keeping secrets about cheating and lying to your spouse AFTER the wedding is just being kind and merciful? Please. This is so dishonest!

First of all, one is not obligated to divulge all details of their previous life before the marriage. Finding out after a wedding that your spouse had previously had sex would not be grounds for invalidation.

Second of all, before a wedding, things are simple. One can simply walk away from the relationship for any reason whatsoever. No big deal. After a marriage, permanent vows are made, kids are involved, finances and property are shared… One really has to discern what GOOD will come of breaking their spouse’s heart in the name of honesty. I think a strong argument can be made for privately repenting, vowing never to make that error again, and moving on for the sake of preserving the family. In the end - does it do a man any good to know this kind of thing happened? Does it help him or fortify the marriage? If the answer is only that he would be heartbroken, enraged, and might leave the marriage - Imm not aure what value “telling” has.

 

[JackieMom]

Also, secrets always come back to bite a person. Suppose this woman dies in her 90s and the lover, who has always pined for her, shows up at the funeral. The husband says “Hey, how did you know Betsy?” And he tells him about this affair they had years ago. That would DESTROY any memory he ever had of her for the remainder of his life. He would never be able to confront her, never be able to reconcile with her, never be able to ask her if she ever really even loved him.

I live my life so that there is NOTHING my spouse could ever find out about me after my death that would make him question or doubt who I really am.

See, at that point I would give thanks to my husband for bearing the burden of that sin himself for all those years, and not putting our family at risk by dumping that mistake onto me. If he stayed married to me until he was 90, I’d have no doubt of his love.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I agree with you. An ongoing affair? Yes, I need to know. A one-time mistake that will not happen again? I don’t think that’s necessarily information I need to have. How would it benefit me? How would it improve my life? How would it lead me toward God? Take your shame and guilt to Christ in the confessional, be wiped clean of the error and move ahead. Sometimes not sharing information is a kindness.

^This!

 

[LaSainte]

First of all, one is not obligated to divulge all details of their previous life before the marriage. Finding out after a wedding that your spouse had previously had sex would not be grounds for invalidation.

Second of all, before a wedding, things are simple. One can simply walk away from the relationship for any reason whatsoever. No big deal. After a marriage, permanent vows are made, kids are involved, finances and property are shared… One really has to discern what GOOD will come of breaking their spouse’s heart in the name of honesty. I think a strong argument can be made for privately repenting, vowing never to make that error again, and moving on for the sake of preserving the family. In the end - does it do a man any good to know this kind of thing happened? Does it help him or fortify the marriage? If the answer is only that he would be heartbroken, enraged, and might leave the marriage - Imm not aure what value “telling” has.

I would think that if you found out after the wedding that your spouse was incapable of honesty and fidelity, that they had cheated for YEARS on their previous boyfriend/girlfriend, and you would never have married them had you known this information, you might have grounds for an anullment.

And it could very well change the marriage for the better, because a marriage involves 2 people, not one. If she were to tell him, they could work out her issues TOGETHER, like she should have done before she went solo and decided to cheat in the first place. Not to mention that having an enourmous lie like this in your marriage only makes lying and deception easier the next time.

 

[Quaesitor]

I agree with those who said that you don’t need to tell your husband about it just now…

Obviously, many of these people who believe the OP shouldn’t tell her husband has never been in a situation where they have been cheated on. And for all I know will never have to worry. But, I for one think that not telling is almost as worse as the actual act of infidelity itself. Especially in a marriage that is supposed to be Sacramental. Yes, my wife cheated on me and I didn’t know until she left me and moved straight into the guys house from mine. Yes there is a lot of pain and a marriage may end with the revelation of the infidelity, but it doesn’t always end that way, especially depending on attitude of the person who committed the error. If they are sincere and try to make it right with the truth it will be better then being guilt ridden and then revealing it years down the road.

My question to those who believe the OP should not tell is this: How can someone have a Sacramental marriage when they are carrying the burden of this much guilt on their shoulders? Eventually it will eat that person up and, as others have postulated may make her continue to seek solace in the arms of another man.

Now even though I’ve been hurt and my marriage didn’t make it, I have a older sister who made the same mistake, and in fact it went on for some time, but when she came clean her husband stuck with her. They are still together and have had their 50th wedding anniversary and all I can say is he is a great guy. So I’ve seen it both ways. One marriage that died, and another that actually flourished and is stronger than ever. Because of the truth!

 

[triumphguy]

I cheated on my husband with a man I met online. I won’t offer any excuses because there is no excuse that justifies what I did. My husband has no idea and there really is no possibility that he would ever find out. All communication with the other man has stopped. My question is, do I tell my husband? It would devastate him to know the truth and I fear it will also have a negative impact on the lives of our children. If I say nothing, only I will suffer with guilt and I deserve the suffering.

One time?

No. don’t tell him - confess to the priest.

Get tested for STDs

Do make it up to him.

Suffer the guilt in silence - you’ve earned it.

Somehow turn this whole thing to the good.

And may the rest of your marriage be blessed:thumbsup:

 

[JackieMom]

My question to those who believe the OP should not tell is this: How can someone have a Sacramental marriage when they are carrying the burden of this much guilt on their shoulders? Eventually it will eat that person up and, as others have postulated may make her continue to seek solace in the arms of another man.

!

Well, as a Catholic I would confess and wipe the slate clean, recommit to total faithfulness, and never let the mistake happen again. I don’t think something like this has to eat you up if you take it to Christ and seek His mercy. I think it can be used as a personal turning point toward an improved marriage and relationship with God.

And, wanting to feel “less guilty” is not a good reason to dump this information onto someone else. That is actually selfish. If someone decides to tell, it needs to be for the total benefit of the other spouse, not a way to relieve one’s own discomfort.

 

[silentfactor80]

I cheated on my husband with a man I met online. I won’t offer any excuses because there is no excuse that justifies what I did. My husband has no idea and there really is no possibility that he would ever find out. All communication with the other man has stopped. My question is, do I tell my husband? It would devastate him to know the truth and I fear it will also have a negative impact on the lives of our children. If I say nothing, only I will suffer with guilt and I deserve the suffering.

1. Why did you cheat? Do you feel distant from your husband? Do you feel he doesn’t pay attention to you?

I think these are some questions you need to think about and answer. Affairs don’t “just happen.” Something has to spark them.

1. To all the people saying “don’t tell your husband,” you are forgetting the most fundamental aspect of being Christian. FORGIVENESS! When we pray we say “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Part of being Christian is forgiving others for wronging us. Confession will heal her soul but the roots of the sin may still exist. Forgiveness isn’t easy and many people have trouble with forgiving infidelity but being forgiving is part of being Christian. The wife didn’t just sin against God here. She sinned against her husband too. He should have the opportunity to forgive her. A truly loving spouse would do so and want to know what they can do better to prevent such activities.

 

[triumphguy]

1. Why did you cheat? Do you feel distant from your husband? Do you feel he doesn’t pay attention to you?

I think these are some questions you need to think about and answer. Affairs don’t “just happen.” Something has to spark them.

1. To all the people saying “don’t tell your husband,” you are forgetting the most fundamental aspect of being Christian. FORGIVENESS! When we pray we say “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Part of being Christian is forgiving others for wronging us. Confession will heal her soul but the roots of the sin may still exist. Forgiveness isn’t easy and many people have trouble with forgiving infidelity but being forgiving is part of being Christian. The wife didn’t just sin against God here. She sinned against her husband too. He should have the opportunity to forgive her. A truly loving spouse would do so and want to know what they can do better to prevent such activities.

That’s a bit like saying the spiritual benefit for my spouse of hitting my spouse is that he/she gets to forgive me.

Some “benefits” are good to avoid if possible.

 

[silentfactor80]

That’s a bit like saying the spiritual benefit for my spouse of hitting my spouse is that he/she gets to forgive me.

Some “benefits” are good to avoid if possible.

Ummm no! That would be presumptuous. You don’t do something looking for forgiveness beforehand. That is a sin.

 

[shainski]

I have to say that on a forum where it has been debated ad nauseum whether or not it is ok to lie to NAZIS about hiding Jews in your house, and MANY people say “no”, I am shocked that so many people think it is perfectly ok to lie to your spouse (who is, according to the Bible, your very SELF) for the rest of your life be ause you don’t think they can handle the information and might leave or be hurt.

whoa. your assertion got me curious as i had not seen the thread you mention. So i did a search and found this thread:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=774885&highlight=nazi

If that is the thread you are talking about, It seems that you are distorting what people said on that thread. No one said that you should not lie to the nazis because lying would be sinful. The question was far more complicated than that. If you lie, your own family would killed. The nazis already know … (no sense repeating the thread here).

But you seem to be equating the two lies in some way - and i think your attempt is disingenuous.

 

[EasterJoy]

One time?

No. don’t tell him - confess to the priest.

Get tested for STDs

Do make it up to him.

Suffer the guilt in silence - you’ve earned it.

Somehow turn this whole thing to the good.

And may the rest of your marriage be blessed:thumbsup:

But see, it depends! If you know your spouse specifically has said that he or she wants to know, if you know they’d consider it a lie every day that you don’t disclose this, then I don’t see how you get around disclosing it and taking whatever consequences come, because you’ve been given to know that your spouse trusts that you would tell. Other spouses, OTOH, specifically say they don’t want to know unless it is needed for repentance or the other one repeats the mistake and therefore has a habit instead of a single transgression. So it depends. I think whether you tell has to be based on what is best for the innocent spouse. (If telling may seem necessary to avoid repeating the offense, though, obviously that is what both spouses need to have happen.)