I cheated on my husband

[LaSainte]

I wonder if such a harsh view would keep your husband from being honest about such a transgression. If I knew my husband would for sure throw me out, never be intimate with me again, and have no sense of compassion for me, I’d probably decide that it was too risky to divulge my error.

So you would TRICK someone into wasting their entire lives with you and exercising their own free will in order to desperately cling to them AFTER breaking your marriage vows, rather than taking the consequences of your actions, which you would totally and completely deserve?

 

[LaSainte]

Forgiving is not the same as reconciling and reconciling is not the same as returning the offender to a position of trust. Adultery is a serious violation of the trust of the innocent spouse, and it is not a violation of forgiveness for the innocent spouse to decide that a second chance at the position of trust of sharing the common conjugal life is not going to be offered. The innocent spouse is morally bound to work so as to let go of thoughts of vengeance and may not wish ill on the offender and must be willing that God welcome the person back to a full relationship with Him. That is forgiveness. They do not have to return to the mutual emotional vulnerability of the marital bed. That is not required. It is laudable, it is praiseworthy, it often leads to the greatest long-term happiness of both spouses, but it is not required.

YES.

 

[joe370]

So you would TRICK someone into wasting their entire lives with you and exercising their own free will in order to desperately cling to them AFTER breaking your marriage vows, rather than taking the consequences of your actions, which you would totally and completely deserve?

Good point. If she comes clean should her catholic spouse eventually forgive her??? :yup:

 

[TheRealJuliane]

So you would TRICK someone into wasting their entire lives with you and exercising their own free will in order to desperately cling to them AFTER breaking your marriage vows, rather than taking the consequences of your actions, which you would totally and completely deserve?

Something tells me you have experience with infidelity in your family of origin. I can practically see you spitting venom here.

People fall. People sin. People do stupid things. Would you even think of your children as you demanded the truth from your husband who has been absolved of this terrible sin?

 

[onellama]

I am glad you have found some solace here. Would it be possible for you to give us some details how this started? Maybe others can learn from you and that could spare someone the pain of infidelity altogether.

It started as a strictly platonic online friendship that I did not hide from my husband. With the benefit of hindsight, I’d say any time you aren’t getting a need met by your spouse and you allow someone else to meet that need – even if it is an innocent enough need – it’s not an appropriate relationship and it should be stopped immediately.

I was very lonely and I should have gone to my husband. He had enough troubles of his own and I didn’t want to burden him with mine. I know now that sounds crazy but that’s where I was at the time.

 

[onellama]

As far as not telling my husband because I fear he’d want a divorce, that’s not the case. I’m quite certain that he would not want a divorce. He’s very much against divorce…even when there has been infidelity. We’ve talked about this before.

My primary reason for not wanting to tell him is that it would devastate him. He would blame himself and wonder what he did wrong. I own this 100% and I don’t want him to have any suffering. If he did find out at a later date, I truly believe he would not feel like I was lying to him the whole time. I think he would understand my desire to protect him and our children. He has never directly said he wouldn’t want to know, but I’ve known him for over 25 years. I think he’d prefer not to know.

Obviously I lean toward not telling him but like I said earlier, I am going to pray for guidance and if I feel God is leading me to tell him, I will.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

As far as not telling my husband because I fear he’d want a divorce, that’s not the case. I’m quite certain that he would not want a divorce. He’s very much against divorce…even when there has been infidelity. We’ve talked about this before.

My primary reason for not wanting to tell him is that it would devastate him. He would blame himself and wonder what he did wrong. I own this 100% and I don’t want him to have any suffering. If he did find out at a later date, I truly believe he would not feel like I was lying to him the whole time. I think he would understand my desire to protect him and our children. He has never directly said he wouldn’t want to know, but I’ve known him for over 25 years. I think he’d prefer not to know.

Obviously I lean toward not telling him but like I said earlier, I am going to pray for guidance and if I feel God is leading me to tell him, I will.

I think you have a good head on your shoulders, and your heart is in the right place. You recognize that confessing your sins to your husband would only serve to hurt him and possibly destroy your marriage.

I’ll pray for you!

 

[silentfactor80]

As far as not telling my husband because I fear he’d want a divorce, that’s not the case. I’m quite certain that he would not want a divorce. He’s very much against divorce…even when there has been infidelity. We’ve talked about this before.

My primary reason for not wanting to tell him is that it would devastate him. He would blame himself and wonder what he did wrong. I own this 100% and I don’t want him to have any suffering. If he did find out at a later date, I truly believe he would not feel like I was lying to him the whole time. I think he would understand my desire to protect him and our children. He has never directly said he wouldn’t want to know, but I’ve known him for over 25 years. I think he’d prefer not to know.

Obviously I lean toward not telling him but like I said earlier, I am going to pray for guidance and if I feel God is leading me to tell him, I will.

I think you should not lean one way or the other and let the Holy Spirit influence which way you go. I read your earlier post about how the affair happened and unless you work on those issues the temptation can come back. You shouldn’t have to be unhappy in your marriage because that crack is how negative things influence you.

Personally if it was me I would want to know if my wife did something like this. Sure I would be enraged and disappointed but at the end of the day I’d feel more sorry for her that someone used her un-lovingly when I would have given her everything if she asked. That is what would hurt me more. A man’s wife is his queen, his closest confidant, and his lover. If she’s hurting inside then he will too whether he knows why or not. Something led to the affair and from your posts it is not clear that something has been dealt with. That something may very well be part of your husbands issues too.

 

[LaSainte]

Something tells me you have experience with infidelity in your family of origin. I can practically see you spitting venom here.

People fall. People sin. People do stupid things. Would you even think of your children as you demanded the truth from your husband who has been absolved of this terrible sin?

Actually I don’t. Not in my own marriage. I just look at my kids and I can’t imagine anyone (let alone my own husband) doing anything to hurt them, let alone the ONE THING that could hurt them more than anything in the world, to put their family in jeopardy because of selfishness.

And don’t make it out like I am the one doing anything to my children by demanding truthfulness in my marriage. The CHEATER in this scenario has done ALL of the damage, the spouse and children being the victims of a person’s unbelievable selfishness. Anything that happens as a result is from the actions of marital infidelity, not of the person who wants to live in a truthful marriage. This is victim shaming at its worst.

 

[LaSainte]

Good point. If she comes clean should her catholic spouse eventually forgive her??? :yup:

I would hope that with the help of the spirit of Jesus and possibly a LOT of marital counseling, the Catholic spouse would find it in his heart to forgive her

Another thing people are missing here is that in order for a person to stray, something is SERIOUSLY wrong in the marriage, something that probably requires counseling with both parties involved. How can this be done if one party cheats and just covers it up? This is terrible advice.

 

[thewanderer]

As far as not telling my husband because I fear he’d want a divorce, that’s not the case. I’m quite certain that he would not want a divorce. He’s very much against divorce…even when there has been infidelity. We’ve talked about this before.

My primary reason for not wanting to tell him is that it would devastate him. He would blame himself and wonder what he did wrong. I own this 100% and I don’t want him to have any suffering. If he did find out at a later date, I truly believe he would not feel like I was lying to him the whole time. I think he would understand my desire to protect him and our children. He has never directly said he wouldn’t want to know, but I’ve known him for over 25 years. I think he’d prefer not to know.

Obviously I lean toward not telling him but like I said earlier, I am going to pray for guidance and if I feel God is leading me to tell him, I will.

It really sounds like you are on the right track. And, from what you have said, I admit that your case just might be one where it is better not to tell him (and thats coming from me ) But do continue to both think and pray about it, to make sure that you are following what he would wish as well as you can. You’ll be in my prayers. :hug1:

TRJ, I really hope you meant that reply simply for the OP’s specific situation rather than as a universal rule after you have heard the opinions of all of those on this thread who insist that they would want to be told. There are absolutely so many circumstances where the only moral action is to tell your spouse about your affair. I hope you can recognize this.

 

[90Domer]

Thank you all for replying. I have not decided whether or not I will tell but when I sought help on a site for people recovering from infidelity, only one opinion was allowed. It was so one-sided, it was hard for me to accept, especially coming from strangers. Discussion of religion is not allowed on that site and I don’t see how it’s possible to make this decision without involving God. That’s why I came here. You may be strangers but at least I feel at home with your faith.

God answered my prayers when I asked for the strength to end the affair and I believe He will lead me in the right direction from here.

I don’t know if you would consider doing this, but you could choose to experience a spiritual rebirth by considering joining the Catholic Church. I truly admire your courage.

 

[LaSainte]

I think you should not lean one way or the other and let the Holy Spirit influence which way you go. I read your earlier post about how the affair happened and unless you work on those issues the temptation can come back. You shouldn’t have to be unhappy in your marriage because that crack is how negative things influence you.

Personally if it was me I would want to know if my wife did something like this. Sure I would be enraged and disappointed but at the end of the day I’d feel more sorry for her that someone used her un-lovingly when I would have given her everything if she asked. That is what would hurt me more. A man’s wife is his queen, his closest confidant, and his lover. If she’s hurting inside then he will too whether he knows why or not. Something led to the affair and from your posts it is not clear that something has been dealt with. That something may very well be part of your husbands issues too.

This is good advice IMO.

 

[joe370]

I would hope that with the help of the spirit of Jesus and possibly a LOT of marital counseling, the Catholic spouse would find it in his heart to forgive her

Another thing people are missing here is that in order for a person to stray, something is SERIOUSLY wrong in the marriage, something that probably requires counseling with both parties involved. How can this be done if one party cheats and just covers it up? This is terrible advice.

Hard to argue against that logic… This must be a painful process for her…Let us all keep her and her husband in our prayers…

 

[thewanderer]

I think you should not lean one way or the other and let the Holy Spirit influence which way you go. I read your earlier post about how the affair happened and unless you work on those issues the temptation can come back. You shouldn’t have to be unhappy in your marriage because that crack is how negative things influence you.

Personally if it was me I would want to know if my wife did something like this. Sure I would be enraged and disappointed but at the end of the day I’d feel more sorry for her that someone used her un-lovingly when I would have given her everything if she asked. That is what would hurt me more. A man’s wife is his queen, his closest confidant, and his lover. If she’s hurting inside then he will too whether he knows why or not. Something led to the affair and from your posts it is not clear that something has been dealt with. That something may very well be part of your husbands issues too.

possibly the best post in this thread yet.

 

[EasterJoy]

As far as not telling my husband because I fear he’d want a divorce, that’s not the case. I’m quite certain that he would not want a divorce. He’s very much against divorce…even when there has been infidelity. We’ve talked about this before.

My primary reason for not wanting to tell him is that it would devastate him. He would blame himself and wonder what he did wrong. I own this 100% and I don’t want him to have any suffering. If he did find out at a later date, I truly believe he would not feel like I was lying to him the whole time. I think he would understand my desire to protect him and our children. He has never directly said he wouldn’t want to know, but I’ve known him for over 25 years. I think he’d prefer not to know.

Obviously I lean toward not telling him but like I said earlier, I am going to pray for guidance and if I feel God is leading me to tell him, I will.

Get counseling from a priest, but based on what your are saying, I’d agree that you not tell him, but if he asks you, you admit what you did and why you chose not to tell him unless he asked…that is, because you felt so sure that he would rather you repent and come back to him wholeheartedly, but without telling him what you did. You are both vulnerable until you get the problem addressed that lead to your vulnerability to falling. (Who knows, if you have grown apart, he might have fallen himself at some point, too, and might be carrying his own burden of guilt.)

 

[LaSainte]

Hard to argue against that logic… This must be a painful process for her…Let us all keep her and her husband in our prayers…

Yes!

 

[minkymurph]

I cheated on my husband with a man I met online. I won’t offer any excuses because there is no excuse that justifies what I did. My husband has no idea and there really is no possibility that he would ever find out. All communication with the other man has stopped. My question is, do I tell my husband? It would devastate him to know the truth and I fear it will also have a negative impact on the lives of our children. If I say nothing, only I will suffer with guilt and I deserve the suffering.

Don’t tell if the purpose is to relieve guilt. That’s what a priest is for.

If my husband cheated on me and it was a one off mistake I would prefer not to know. I would only want to know if others know. But that’s just me. Others would say different.

 

[90Domer]

Yes. In order for me to even be able to THINK about forgiveness, he needs to come clean to me about what happened first. Anything else is like rape, because I would certainly NOT consent to sex with someone who had cheated on me and then lied to me about it indefinitely, EVER. Each time we had sex would be a lie.

Isn’t marital sex about unity? Where the hell is the unity in it if this man is lying to me every single day of our married life about being a faithful and loving husband? How can he give himself to me entirely if he can’t even tell me the most basic truth, which is that he shattered the most important vow one person can make to another and then covered it up?

Assuming our marriage even stood a chance after infidelity, he would have just destroyed it by adding deception on top of it. I would NEVER choose to be with a person like that.

My husband and I have talked about this with engaged couples in marriage prep, and I wanted to pose this question to you. Say your husband did cheat on you. Would you be able to look even a tiny bit inward to see if you contributed to the infidelity? I am not saying that you would have done so knowingly, but could you even consider that you may have been part of the problem?

 

[silentfactor80]

My husband and I have talked about this with engaged couples in marriage prep, and I wanted to pose this question to you. Say your husband did cheat on you. Would you be able to look even a tiny bit inward to see if you contributed to the infidelity? I am not saying that you would have done so knowingly, but could you even consider that you may have been part of the problem?

If it was my wife I would absolutely want to know if I contributed. Of coarse I would work on good communication skills from the start so it never got to that point but yes some people can drive others away.

Saw this article and thought I would share:
huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/01/cheating-wife-_n_2993519.html