I don't know if I can stand this anymore - mi kids

[1ke]

Are you saying I should leave my husband?

I am saying that you need professional counsleing from someone who is both objective and experienced in dealing with alcohol codependence and abuse.

It does sound like physical distance is in order, but a counselor can help you sort all that out and make an exit plan if necessary.

I would not say it’s a case of refusing to leave him, so much as a case of not knowing how to. At the moment, I don’t see how leaving would make any difference. If I left, he would still have access to them.

Which is why professional counseling and referral to appropriate legal resources is in order to establish an exit plan that will block unsupervised access to your children.

The reason I say this is because I’m no convinced leaving would change anything. Not because I’m not prepared to.

Until you have had an unbiased professional tell you that, you are simply assuming.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting.

Meeting Locations

You will get support, and you will hear your story being told by other people. Go as soon as possible. There is also Alateen, for your older kids - probably the bottom limit is 11 but it’s easier when they are at least 13. Alcoholism is a FAMILY disease - every one of your kids has been affected. Give them the option of talking to others who also understand.

OP, I noticed you didn’t respond to my post. Al-Anon is a worldwide support organization for the family and friends of alcoholics. Before you make any decisions, you should go to a few Al-Anon meetings, even if after your first meeting you think it isn’t for you. Give it more than one try, because our first response can be the denial and resistance to change. If you plan to stay for now, YOU NEED AL-ANON. Not all spouses leave, and no one will tell you to do that before YOU are ready. I know several people who stayed with their spouse till the end. I know many others who left. You’ll know when you know.

Please, go to Al-Anon. They will help you.

 

[cmscms]

Are you saying I should leave my husband?

I would not say it’s a case of refusing to leave him, so much as a case of not knowing how to. At the moment, I don’t see how leaving would make any difference. If I left, he would still have access to them. .

First I want to say you are obviously well articulate and intelligent. Also I applaud your desire to remain faithful to your marriage vows. But with all due respect, your above quote is the whole problem. You tried leaving your husband and say it didn’t work??? In what way did it not work?

Let me explain. You seem to think that by leaving him, he will change and since he didn’t you conclude it does not work. What was your motive in leaving him??? Simply to get him to change ??? Of course that will NEVER work. You need to pray to God for strenght and acceptance of your husbands free will to drink to much which God will NOT interfer with. Until the day your husband says ‘God help me not drink’ nothing will change.

The reason a woman leaves an alcoholic husband is to get away from his behaviour. Period. Nothing else will come of it.

By posting here ‘How do you live with an alcoholic’, it appears it is your denial. It appears you are asking ‘How do I change him’. And the sad truth of the matter is ‘there is only 1 way to live with an alcoholic and that is to live with constant abuse.’

Although I agree it is best you leave your husband since your 11 year old is too young to know what is best for him, I am not going to tell you to do that and respect whatever decision you make since you know the whole picture. But please, do not assume that because you grew up to hate your father’s alcoholism, your son will do the same. Please look at all your siblings, how many hate your alcoholic dad??? How many are just like him??? And even if your son does not become an alcoholic, he might grow up to be just like you and marry one. I think you know first hand that is not a good life.

So in short, I think the whole issue is you are trying to change your husband and you need to face the fact that will not happen

CM

 

[faithfully]

Are you saying I am not looking after their best interests because I have not left? Is that the only reason?

In order to look after my kids best interests, I need to establish what their best interest is. You are right it is not in their best interest to live with an alcoholic. What I’m not convinced of it the alternative - leaving - would be better for them.

Why? would you be living on the streets? Living with an alcoholic is stressful, damaging and enabling. It’s destructive to all involved.

My father was an alcoholic. I never thought his behavior was acceptable and I hated him. That’s my future prediction rather than my kids becoming like him.

So although your son begs you to stay, because he loves his dad, You predict he will grow to hate him? Hmmm. how is that in his best interest? How about love him from a distance. Also, notice, you grew up and married an alcoholic. You learned this behavior is, in fact, acceptable. Or you would not be living with an alcoholic, trying to figure out how to live with an alcoholic somehow better than you managed as a child.

Are you saying you have concluded I don’t demand respect from my husband, do not think I am worthy of it and am teaching my children women and mothers are not worthy of a man who treats her well and children are not worthy of a father who is sober because I haven’t left? I don’t think it’s fair to conclude these things purely on the basis I haven’t left.

I have concluded that is what it looks like from the outside. Your children see the outside. They learn by your actions. Not by your thoughts. Even they can’t read your heart. You can say drinking is bad. And alcoholism is bad. But then you choose to live in it, you choose for them to live in it. You don’t demand respect from yourself, let alone your husband. Your actions are louder than your words.

You are supposedly the sane cognizant person in the picture. Choosing an insane way of life. You’re not drunk. You are not mentally impaired. It’s like getting in a car with a drunk driver when you’re sober. You know what you’re doing is dangerous and even life threatening. But you do it anyway. When you slam into a party of 5, you are even more liable for the damage caused. You just sat and watched it all happen, in the hopes it wouldn’t.

If you demanded respect, you would show your children that you require it. You won’t live with a man that is ABUSIVE. He’s not just a drunk, he’s mean. He calls you names, he has outrageous demands. Is he so controlled, he never does this in front of your children? No… how do I know? Your son feels sorry for you. He sees you being treated badly. Your son is learning that moms are treated badly. And they should give up their human dignity for something else.Right now, he is still innocent. He will harden his heart. Could that ever be a good thing? Tell me? How will your son learn to treat a woman? What will you use as an example to teach him how to be a good father, and husband? You don’t demand respect. It’s an observation made on your proclaimed actions. You are worried about what others think. This is what they will think. You lack self esteem. Doesn’t matter how smart you are. Plenty of smart women end up in stupid situations.

It is true children of alcoholics are at a higher risk of becoming alcoholics themselves. I’m not convinced living apart would lessen that risk, as it will not change the fact their father is an alcoholic. I didn’t want my parents to split when I was the age my kids are now. I did when I was older.

Why is that? Could it be that your adult brain engaged? Are you saying had your parents split when they should have you would hate perhaps your mother instead of your father?

I have talked to my older son about this. He has begged me not to leave. You may say I should not listen to him because I know best, but I can’t just ignore how he feels. He is the one and only reason I stay, but I accept some people will think I’m wrong.

Ignoring how a person feels is to tell them they don’t feel a certain way. Acting in his best interest is not ignoring how he feels. It’s telling him, you know this is hard, and that perhaps even his feelings are hurt. How could they not be. A bottle of booze is more important to his father than he is. But his feelings don’t require that all of you live in a household of abuse. That’s not caring for him. That’s taking the current easy way out. How do you think he will feel when he realizes that it was him that lead you to live with an alcoholic abuser? Either guilty or angry. Pretty much no in between room.

Walking away would be one way to manage the situation, the problem would be what I would live on, and I may well loose my home. A friend of mine left her husband on the grounds of mental cruelty. She had 4 kids and he got the house. I may get the house, but I don’t know which is worse for my kids. Mom and Dad fighting it out in court, washing their dirty linen in public and as I live in a small town where no one believes in minding their own, everyone would know about it.

So, part of the problem is what others think? Your husband is yet a controlled alcoholic and no one knows he’s cruel, abusive and a drunk but you and your children? I know this happens to some people. I wonder what your child thinks about a dad that puts on a show for everyone but you 3. Then let the neighbors know what is really happening. Get them on your side. You will need the help. People love to help others. Almost more than gossip! Yes, you fight for your children. You show them they are worth the fight.

 

[faithfully]

Look, my grandmother with a high school education, raised her two daughters all by herself. In the 50’s when NO ONE got divorced. It was extremely hard. She worked two jobs waitressing all the time. She even depended on strangers to help her with care. She didn’t require a house. She required a roof over their head. It was hard. That’s for sure.

A total drunk is not going to have the ability to show to court to show you are a bad mother and even get custody. Heck if he’s drunk all the time, I guarantee his blood alcohol content is always elevated. Even if he’s “functional”. Is he interested in losing his job when his problems become out in the open? I assume he hides his problem, since you’re worried about people finding out. He’ll have to actually make a choice. He might choose to clean up, and then your marriage could be repaired.

I know other kids at my sons school whose parents have split. They are pretty mixed up. I feel I’m in a loose/loose situation. At the moment, staying until my kids are a bit older and can understand more and I am more financially secure seems the lesser of two evils. As you say, that is my decision, my choice. If people think I am making the wrong choice, they are entitled to think that and I understand why, but I started this thread to see if someone could offer some advice on how to live with an alcoholic, not leave one.

Children will be mixed up when their family life is mixed up. It’s not just the split. It’s what caused the split. Trust me. Had this family you know not split, their children would just be living in whatever caused the split. They would still be mixed up. You are in a terrible situation. I have no doubt in mind. You are definitely in a lose situation now. You may be later. But you won’t be with an abusive man who is a drunk. You may end up with a man that wants to get sober in order to get his family back. MANY people clean up.

So how to live with an alcoholic… here you go:

You already know. You grew up with one, you are married to one. You get used to the fact that you live in hell. You walk on egg shells, Apologize for being normal when they are the crazy one. Beg for their forgiveness for perceived infractions. Duck when they swing. Mentally or physically. Become hardened so the mean things they say don’t effect you. Tell your children he didn’t mean it. Hope they believe it.

You are living with a tornado. A wind that comes up under just the right circumstances. He will trash everything in his path. Perhaps treat the site of a bottle as your warning. Get to shelter. Get used to living in total destruction and the mental stress it causes knowing you live in tornado alley. Maybe the tornado will whiz right by you and you can be thankful you weren’t injured when you failed to head the warnings.

Yes, at least do what others say. Go to Al-anon. Go to the meetings for children of alcoholics. You don’t seem to realize you learned to live and accept this behavior. And you ARE accepting. You plan to make all the changes to make this “work”. Whatever that means.

I understand you want to save your marriage, your husband and your family. But you can’t put out a fire without water. You can’t cure cancer without a treatment. You wouldn’t stand in flames way, or stare at a lump and just wish it away, or figure out “how to live” with it. That’s not living. That’s just waiting to die.

I know my words are strong. And perhaps feel uncaring. They are not meant to be. I speak from observed experience. I come from a long line of alcoholics. Those of us in successful marriages are the ones that bit the bullet, and cut off the drunks. You can’t control the drunk. You can only control your choices and behavior and who you hang out with.

I promise you this. If you hang out in a dirty outhouse long enough. You will NOT notice the stink. Plane and simple. You have your children in an outhouse. They will eventually not even know it stinks. They will think it’s normal.

Or I don’t know, you don’t quiver in the corner when he gets mean. You take martial arts and kick his you know what when he gets bad. You make him quiver in the corner. Hide in the closet. Make him feel the shame. Tell him what an awful person he is. How horrifying he is. How his food stinks. That he’s too lazy to cook for himself and heat his plate. That you are ashamed for anyone to know him. And for him to be the father of your children. I don’t know if this will work. It will surely cause more tension and stress. But at least your children will see that you don’t take this sitting down. Or would you rather die than let your children see you being disrespected and acting like a victim.

Do your husband a loving favor. Don’t let his children see him like this. If he ever sobers up, he’ll live in shame the rest of his life.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

OP, I noticed you didn’t respond to my post. Al-Anon is a worldwide support organization for the family and friends of alcoholics. Before you make any decisions, you should go to a few Al-Anon meetings, even if after your first meeting you think it isn’t for you. Give it more than one try, because our first response can be the denial and resistance to change. If you plan to stay for now, YOU NEED AL-ANON. Not all spouses leave, and no one will tell you to do that before YOU are ready. I know several people who stayed with their spouse till the end. I know many others who left. You’ll know when you know.

Please, go to Al-Anon. They will help you.

Once more with FEELING -

AL-ANON WILL NOT TELL YOU WHAT TO DO! If you choose to continue to live with your alcoholic husband, NO ONE will condemn you! And in ANY CASE, you will learn tools so that you can keep your serenity and even find happiness whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.

Everyone else on this thread is giving you advice on what to do - and most of them are telling you to leave him. I am NOT doing that. And neither will the people in Al-Anon. Unless you are in immediate physical danger, that is. If he were beating you or threatening to kill you or whatever, hurting the kids, then of course everyone to a person is going to tell you the same thing, which is to get out ASAP and save your kids from further harm.

You came on and said “How can I stay with my alcoholic husband?” And I gave you the only answer that I have seen work for the spouse/children, which is AL-ANON/ALATEEN. So far, you have totally ignored my responses. I am not going to say it again, this is it. I gave you the link to Al-Anon meetings in Ireland and England. All you have to do is click on it, find one near you, and go. There’s no charge and no requirements.

But it’s up to you.

 

[minkymurph]

A total drunk is not going to have the ability to show to court to show you are a bad mother and even get custody. Heck if he’s drunk all the time, I guarantee his blood alcohol content is always elevated. Even if he’s “functional”. Is he interested in losing his job when his problems become out in the open? I assume he hides his problem, since you’re worried about people finding out. He’ll have to actually make a choice. He might choose to clean up, and then your marriage could be repaired.

Where did you get the idea I’m worried about people finding out and want to save my marriage? Everyone knows what my husband is like. What worries me is what effect a court battle would have on my kids emotionally - not me. For the record, bad as this may seem, I couldn’t care less about my marriage. As far as I am concerned it was over a long time ago and yes, I have told my husband this. What I want is damage limitation until such times as I can support myself financially. I can’t at the minute. That’s why I’m taking a law degree.

You may be later. But you won’t be with an abusive man who is a drunk. You may end up with a man that wants to get sober in order to get his family back. MANY people clean up.

I don’t want a man - period. I’d be quite happy without one. In addition, I’ve seen what’s on offer and they’re not much better than what I’ve got. No offense to the good guys. They do exist, but they’ve all been snapped up.

You already know. You grew up with one, you are married to one. You get used to the fact that you live in hell. You walk on egg shells, Apologize for being normal when they are the crazy one. Beg for their forgiveness for perceived infractions. Duck when they swing. Mentally or physically. Become hardened so the mean things they say don’t effect you. Tell your children he didn’t mean it. Hope they believe it.

What??? Is this what you think I do??? You must be joking!

I understand you want to save your marriage, your husband and your family.

No, I don’t. I couldn’t care less about my marriage, but I don’t see why I should leave. HE SHOULD! Why should I give up my home and live on skid row?

Or I don’t know, you don’t quiver in the corner when he gets mean. You take martial arts and kick his you know what when he gets bad. You make him quiver in the corner. Hide in the closet. Make him feel the shame. Tell him what an awful person he is. How horrifying he is. How his food stinks. That he’s too lazy to cook for himself and heat his plate. That you are ashamed for anyone to know him. And for him to be the father of your children. I don’t know if this will work. It will surely cause more tension and stress. But at least your children will see that you don’t take this sitting down. Or would you rather die than let your children see you being disrespected and acting like a victim.

What makes you think I haven’t done this? I can assure you I am no shrinking violet. I’m an ex-rugby player and was a champion power-lifter. I have told him the things he says are awful. I have told him he is an abusive alcoholic, a bully, rude, and he is pushing me and the kids away from him and he will regret it in years to come. I have told him as far as I am concerned we don’t have a marriage and if it wasn’t for the kids I would be gone. I have not told my kids this. I am not afraid for others to know. In fact, everyone does so there is little point worrying about that. However, it’s also a fact no one cares - not their problem. I found who my real friends were and I’ll tell you it wouldn’t take me long to count them. I’m building a new life for myself outside the home and outside this town. I have told my husband what he says about me are lies. I’ve told him he is a liar to his face and told him he knows he is lying, that he is just doing it to hurt me and I am not going to let him by believing him. I’ve told him I will not go through life walking on egg shells. If he doesn’t like something, tough. I don’t tell my kids he didn’t mean it. I tell them he was wrong, and I say that in front of him. I don’t back him up when he is wrong. I say so.

What I hate is people feeling sorry for me, and thinking I’m some weak little victim, which is what you appear to be doing. I don’t need people to feel sorry for me. I don’t need anyone’s pity. What I need is advice on handling him and damage limitation where my kids are concerned. I would still need this if I left. I try very hard not to fight with him in front of the kids. That’s the hard bit, and the one bit I wish I could handle better. My elder son knows his dad is the way he is because of drink. I have told him his dad is not a bad person, but is sick.

 

[minkymurph]

Once more with FEELING -

AL-ANON WILL NOT TELL YOU WHAT TO DO! If you choose to continue to live with your alcoholic husband, NO ONE will condemn you! And in ANY CASE, you will learn tools so that you can keep your serenity and even find happiness whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.

Everyone else on this thread is giving you advice on what to do - and most of them are telling you to leave him. I am NOT doing that. And neither will the people in Al-Anon. Unless you are in immediate physical danger, that is. If he were beating you or threatening to kill you or whatever, hurting the kids, then of course everyone to a person is going to tell you the same thing, which is to get out ASAP and save your kids from further harm.

You came on and said “How can I stay with my alcoholic husband?” And I gave you the only answer that I have seen work for the spouse/children, which is AL-ANON/ALATEEN. So far, you have totally ignored my responses. I am not going to say it again, this is it. I gave you the link to Al-Anon meetings in Ireland and England. All you have to do is click on it, find one near you, and go. There’s no charge and no requirements.

But it’s up to you.

Once more with FEELING -

AL-ANON WILL NOT TELL YOU WHAT TO DO! If you choose to continue to live with your alcoholic husband, NO ONE will condemn you! And in ANY CASE, you will learn tools so that you can keep your serenity and even find happiness whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.

Thank you - and I will try and contact a support group. Being a student, I may get some direction form the students union. What you have said is exactly what I want - learn tools to keep serenity and find happiness not matter what he does.

Everyone else on this thread is giving you advice on what to do - and most of them are telling you to leave him. I am NOT doing that. And neither will the people in Al-Anon. Unless you are in immediate physical danger, that is. If he were beating you or threatening to kill you or whatever, hurting the kids, then of course everyone to a person is going to tell you the same thing, which is to get out ASAP and save your kids from further harm.

He wouldn’t DARE lift his hand. I’ve told him if he ever does to bear in mind he has to sleep sometime!

You came on and said “How can I stay with my alcoholic husband?” And I gave you the only answer that I have seen work for the spouse/children, which is AL-ANON/ALATEEN. So far, you have totally ignored my responses. I am not going to say it again, this is it. I gave you the link to Al-Anon meetings in Ireland and England. All you have to do is click on it, find one near you, and go. There’s no charge and no requirements.

But it’s up to you.

I have not totally ignored your responses. I have read them and taken them seriously. Just because I did not respond does not mean I was ignoring you. Bear in mind we are on a different time here. It was almost midnight when I posted last night, then I went to bed. I have also been out all day today as it is my sons birthday. I got back around 8 pm and we had a birthday tea. It is now almost 10 pm and I have just sat down to read through the responses.

 

[minkymurph]

First I want to say you are obviously well articulate and intelligent. Also I applaud your desire to remain faithful to your marriage vows. But with all due respect, your above quote is the whole problem. You tried leaving your husband and say it didn’t work??? In what way did it not work?

So in short, I think the whole issue is you are trying to change your husband and you need to face the fact that will not happen

CM

I don’t believe he will change. I think I’ve lost him for good. My only light I see at the end of the tunnel is qualifying with a law degree, getting a decent job and becoming financially independent. My kids will also be older then.

When I say it didn’t work before, I mean he did not stop bullying, interfering and being verbally abusive. I had to have contact with him for various practical reasons, financial and that, and he had a right to see the kids. He got at me on those occasions. Living apart wasn’t any better than living with him.

Where I was living was awful because I couldn’t get a decent flat as I didn’t have anyone to go guarantor. The flat I had was awful and the so was the landlord. My husband caused a lot of problems with the landlord, no matter how many times I told him to stay out of things. He used to see my landlord about the town and he had to deal with things while I was in hospital as there was no one else. I ended up having to leave. I went back to my house because I had nowhere else to go, and I was angry I had to live in a grotty flat, paying big rent when I was part owner of a good house that cost infinitely less. People in the town avoiding me because they did not want to ‘get involved.’ I don’t understand how saying hello constituted ‘getting involved’ but there you go.

What I’m saying is things were no better living apart.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you - and I will try and contact a support group. Being a student, I may get some direction form the students union. What you have said is exactly what I want - learn tools to keep serenity and find happiness not matter what he does.

He wouldn’t DARE lift his hand. I’ve told him if he ever does to bear in mind he has to sleep sometime!

I have not totally ignored your responses. I have read them and taken them seriously. Just because I did not respond does not mean I was ignoring you. Bear in mind we are on a different time here. It was almost midnight when I posted last night, then I went to bed. I have also been out all day today as it is my sons birthday. I got back around 8 pm and we had a birthday tea. It is now almost 10 pm and I have just sat down to read through the responses.

OK, I understand there is a time difference, but you had been responding to the other posters and going back and forth with them, so I wondered if you had seen my responses or were simply ignoring them.

You referred to a support group. I mean SPECIFICALLY Al-Anon. It was formed by the wife of the main founder of AA. The two programs work in tandem, but Al-Anon is for the family and friends of the alcoholic, and it’s not necessary for the alcoholic to choose recovery in order for the spouse to find contentment and even happiness, even if the spouse is still drinking. Not to say that your choice will always be to stay with your husband, but NO ONE in Al-Anon will tell you to leave him, or when to leave him. If they do, please be assured that person is not speaking for Al-Anon. We don’t give others advice about how to run their own life, just share our own experience, strength and hope and live the 12 steps in our whole lives.

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable. (Some groups say “powerless over the alcoholic,” but in reality, we are just as powerless over alcohol as they are - we can’t stop them from drinking!)

Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. (This is like a detailed examination of conscience.)

Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. (Catholics are used to doing this in confession.)

Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for the knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.

Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

 

[faithfully]

What I hate is people feeling sorry for me, and thinking I’m some weak little victim, which is what you appear to be doing. I don’t need people to feel sorry for me. I don’t need anyone’s pity.

I don’t feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for your children. They are the innocents in this. They are the ones subjected without any control to a drunk.

 

[minkymurph]

I don’t feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for your children. They are the innocents in this. They are the ones subjected without any control to a drunk.

Any control? What led you to that conclusion?

My children don’t need anyone to feel sorry for them. No one needs anyone to feel sorry for them.

 

[Xantippe]

“Any control?”

Well, yes. As young minors, they legally have no power to decide where to live and who to live with.

 

[faithfully]

Yeah… if you say so.

 

[schnipdip]

I am not going to say something that will change your situation.

All I am going to say is that you have a purpose in life. Your purpose is to live and have a relationship, no matter what the cost.

If you were to leave, you would not have a purpose in this life. You would not be living nor be dead.

Your purpose is with your family. Be happy that your loved by your family, that your not alone and that your giving your children what they need. They need both parents together, if you were to leave, your children will have broken hearts and will be lost.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Any control? What led you to that conclusion?

My children don’t need anyone to feel sorry for them. No one needs anyone to feel sorry for them.

I feel sorry for your kids, too.

I lived with an alcoholic when I was a kid, who was married to someone who martyred herself, her daughter, and her grandchildren (me and my brother) for 40 years because she took marriage vows.

I vividly remember the arguments, the subtrafuge, the constant anxiety that this or that would trigger a binge, the walking on egg shells 24/7, the worry he was going to kill himself or someone else drunk driving, the uncertainty whenever he went to town about time he’d be back, if he’d be sober, and if he was drunk would he be mean, and the fact that our whole world revolved around this person and his unpredictable, out-of-control behavior when he was on a bender. Our whole worlds revolved around him when he was sober, too, in a concerted effort to say or do nothing that would cause him to crawl back into his whiskey bottle.

I remember the Christmas Eves, the birthday parties, and the Easter Dinners that were ruined because he was drunk and mean or was passed out on the floor or he’d vomited all over the kitchen.

I remember coming up with excuses as to why my friends couldn’t come to my house (because he’d been drunk for three days), why I missed the school recital (because he was sitting in bar 25 miles away with his brothers and we had no way to get to the school), why I couldn’t go camping with my best friend’s family for the weekend (because he’d gone on a bender and we needed to get the farmwork done without him).

The worst thing is that I can still hear the yelling and the threats. I remember as a seven-year-old trying to keep my toddler brother calm as every adult in our lives was screaming their heads off downstairs. I remember hearing breaking glass and crockery and wondering if someone I loved was hurt

As an adult I cope with dysthymia and an anxiety disorder that I attribute partially to growing up in that. It took me YEARS to learn how to have a stable, “normal” relationship with a man. I dated more than my share of drunks. And until I did A LOT of painful work coming to terms with growing up in an alcoholic household, I enabled more than a few drunks and addicts and other really damaged men who saw me as an easy mark.

Both my mother and brother are alcoholics. My mother’s disease didn’t manifest until she was in late middle age, but my brother was a drunk before he was out of high school.

My grandfather’s alcoholism hurt and damaged three generations of people in my family. I wouldn’t wish living with an alcoholic on ANY child. If I could step back 75 years and talk to grandmother I’d say, “Unless you leave him NOW while your daughter is too younger to know what’s going on, your husband’s disease is going to poison three generations of your family.”

Me? I’d sooner pluck my eyeballs out with my bare hands than make the conscious, deliberate decision to raise my children in an alcoholic household.

 

[Viki63]

I have started this thread because I need help living with an alcoholic.

I had to fight with him to get half the money for his birthday present, and am fighting with him to get money for their Christmas presents. He pays the mortgage which will be paid out in January, and our cars. He screams about leaving lights on and I pay for the electric and now, we have got gas and he wants me to contribute to that and heating. He now says I use the oven too often as it cost £20 a week for gas. (We have a gas cooker) He has told me I waste money getting my hair done, I waste money on the kids and if I lost weight, I wouldn’t need new clothes. He moans and complains about everything all the time.

When I left him I still had to pay all the bills, do his shopping, washing, make his dinner and I feel a fool I did this. . … I try to ignore his tantrums and not fight with him but it is so hard because I feel I must defend my kids when he is being mean to them -

The best advice you have received so far is to begin going to Al-anon. It has made a big difference in my life, because I learned I’m not responsible for my husband’s alcoholism and it’s not my problem.
My husband is a happy drunk, which means he doesn’t yell or get mean mostly, he just does things like fall out of his wheelchair at 2 AM so I have to call the paramedics to pick him up, or call me at 3 AM and ask for a push up the hill (since I put the Club on his car).
I’ve started letting him deal with the consequences of his problem. I’m sorry he has this illness, but I can’t cure it.
So I ignore him when he’s been drinking, I don’t make meals or clean up after him. I don’t interfere between our kids and him, I tell them not to argue with the alcohol. We go in our rooms and shut the door when he’s obnoxious. If he calls at 3 AM I say, sorry, I’m in bed.
I wouldn’t do his shopping or washing, and you can get the kids away from him if he’s being mean. Take them somewhere else. You can distance yourself from the problem and still remain charitable.
I would not fight with him, if you don’t have money for Christmas presents, get them small ones. A peaceful home is better than presents.

 

[Kelfa28]

I am not going to say something that will change your situation.

All I am going to say is that you have a purpose in life. Your purpose is to live and have a relationship, no matter what the cost.

If you were to leave, you would not have a purpose in this life. You would not be living nor be dead.

Your purpose is with your family. Be happy that your loved by your family, that your not alone and that your giving your children what they need. They need both parents together, if you were to leave, your children will have broken hearts and will be lost.

No.

Not if the family is damaging and hurtful. Not if there is abuse. Physical, emotional, substance…whatever.
That is NOT what children need. Their hearts are already broken by living in a toxic environment of an abuser and an enabler.

My husband’s father was an alcoholic and my grandfather was an alcoholic.

My grandparent’s stayed together and it had a very negative impact on my dad. He suffers from depression to this day because of it and both my grandparents passed away almost 15 years ago. Thankfully he is not an abuser. He won’t touch alcohol and he wanted nothing more to do exactly the opposite of what his family did when raising his daughters.

My MIL left my FIL almost 20 years ago. She couldn’t put up with his alcohol abuse. My husband said that the divorce was the best thing that could have happened to him. Everything stopped. The fighting, the manipulation, the excuses, the ruined holidays. He hated all holidays until he got married himself and had a daughter. While his parents were married, Christmases and Thanksgivings were ruined because his father would go out on benders the night before and be sick the whole holiday. When they weren’t married the awkwardness of putting on a fake smile while his parents expected him to be thrilled they were paying attention to him.

He says he is far more comfortable when the two of them are apart from each other. The tension and anxiety is palpable when they are in the same room. It’s so bad I feel uncomfortable. I can’t imagine how it really makes my husband feel. He was so terrified of our wedding day because he didn’t want his parents to be in the same room.

No, the divorce was not what nearly destroyed his relationship with his parents. It was the string of new boyfriends and girlfriends his parents had after the divorce that nearly destroyed his relationship with his parents. He always says that if his parents separated and had no other relationships his childhood would have been idyllic.

 

[schnipdip]

No.

Not if the family is damaging and hurtful. Not if there is abuse. Physical, emotional, substance…whatever.
That is NOT what children need. Their hearts are already broken by living in a toxic environment of an abuser and an enabler.

My husband’s father was an alcoholic and my grandfather was an alcoholic.

My grandparent’s stayed together and it had a very negative impact on my dad. He suffers from depression to this day because of it and both my grandparents passed away almost 15 years ago. Thankfully he is not an abuser. He won’t touch alcohol and he wanted nothing more to do exactly the opposite of what his family did when raising his daughters.

My MIL left my FIL almost 20 years ago. She couldn’t put up with his alcohol abuse. My husband said that the divorce was the best thing that could have happened to him. Everything stopped. The fighting, the manipulation, the excuses, the ruined holidays. He hated all holidays until he got married himself and had a daughter. While his parents were married, Christmases and Thanksgivings were ruined because his father would go out on benders the night before and be sick the whole holiday. When they weren’t married the awkwardness of putting on a fake smile while his parents expected him to be thrilled they were paying attention to him.

He says he is far more comfortable when the two of them are apart from each other. The tension and anxiety is palpable when they are in the same room. It’s so bad I feel uncomfortable. I can’t imagine how it really makes my husband feel. He was so terrified of our wedding day because he didn’t want his parents to be in the same room.

No, the divorce was not what nearly destroyed his relationship with his parents. It was the string of new boyfriends and girlfriends his parents had after the divorce that nearly destroyed his relationship with his parents. He always says that if his parents separated and had no other relationships his childhood would have been idyllic.

Your probably right, I was just placing myself in the kids shoes. If my parents didn’t like each other I would still want them to be together because I love both of them.

Change is always happening, I learned a few new things today that I need to change about myself, it won’t be easy but I will try.

 

[minkymurph]

I am not going to say something that will change your situation.

All I am going to say is that you have a purpose in life. Your purpose is to live and have a relationship, no matter what the cost.

If you were to leave, you would not have a purpose in this life. You would not be living nor be dead.

Your purpose is with your family. Be happy that your loved by your family, that your not alone and that your giving your children what they need. They need both parents together, if you were to leave, your children will have broken hearts and will be lost.

Your the only person so far to suggest staying may be the right thing to do. A child does need both parents, and there is an argument a flawed father is better than no at all. You are the only person to acknowledge my children’s hearts will be broken. Many others do not seem to have considered that. I don’t have the luxury of being able to walk away from a computer screen when the inevitable fall out happens as a consequence of leaving.