I don't know if I can stand this anymore - mi kids

[minkymurph]

My father, who was also an alcoholic, was just like this as well. He eventually started defending his drinking by saying “I go to work every day, bla bla…” (as if this gave him a right to drink whenever he wanted and as much as he wanted.

Yes, I know the ‘I go to work every day’ punchline.

I wanted my father. Such is life, it seems your getting along quite well yourself and you and your children in very difficult circumstances, it’s not easy, I know this.

Thank you for acknowledging that. Maybe you can understand why I don’t think things would be any better if I left.

It occurred to me that he could have depression, alcoholics often do. I don’t know if he would be open, but it’s potentially another angle to get at his drinking, and you will all be much happier if he is not depressed.

He could be. He hates his job. He likes the work but hates the place he works in. He was working out in Saudi for a while - big money, no drink! Mind you, I think he made up for it when he went to Bahrain at weekends. My eldest son didn’t cope with him being away very well. He was lucky to get a job here, but it gets him he isn’t getting the big money. You know how things are at the moment on the employment/economic front. A friend of ours was here yesterday, saw how he was, complaining about everything. He asked him if by any chance he has an apprentice at the moment. He has three. This friend said he has ‘apprentice syndrome,’ that apprentices drive you mad. Another poster mentioned ASD and I wonder if they may have something.

Taboo because your Catholic or because of the way your extended families view that? And there are online easy tests to see if your an alcoholic, like 10-20 questions, look at one and see how he rates. You can consider offering to look at one together if he asserts he doesn’t have a problem with alcohol. BTW, how often, and what does he drink? He’s functional (at work, not at home).

Taboo to me because in my view splitting should be a last resort and means the marriage is over. I don’t think trial separations or living apart work.

He drinks every day - about 2 liters of his home made cider. It doesn’t take much to send him to sleep and less to get him drunk than it used to. He’s functional at work. At home he sleeps a lot and doesn’t look after the place. Mind you, he never really did without a lot ‘persuasion.’
What gets me most is the constant complaining and the way he talks to us. I think he talks to everyone like this as he has a lethal tongue, can be really insensitive and has no patience. He had job appraisal recently and they said this was something he should address. He was looking for a sharp blade yesterday and I suggested he use his tongue.

I have learned this as well, the uncle “abandoned” his family. I’m not sure what would happen if a wife left with the kids for their safety however but agree you shouldn’t have to be the one to leave if you decide to split even if he disagrees, you can file for divorce anyway I believe. Might be a good idea to start documenting incidents of his behavior now, just in case. Don’t write a novel about minor stuff, but certainly document the big things with date and time and who was home (if it happened at home).

I am afraid of loosing my home. My mortgage is almost paid out - January next year. I’d hate to loose everything I’ve worked for. In the case of a split, the court will usually force a sale and the parties split the money if they can’t agree as in terms of property rights, that is the fairest thing to do. They don’t consider why a marriage broke down. They just look at who owns the property or has an equitable right to it.

doing better than I expected, and have a realistic outlook when I expected you may not have that. So IMO your doing GREAT!

Peace and God Bless,
Bill

Thank you. That helps a lot, and thank you for attempting to establish some facts before jumping to conclusions.

 

[minkymurph]

Was it Al-Anon specifically? The way you describe it, sounds somewhat like Al-Anon in the “concerned about a relative’s drinking,” but Al-Anon is not really about whether your spouse or other relative or friend stops drinking or not. It’s about YOU and how YOU live your life whether they do or not. When people first come into Al-Anon, they talk about the alcoholic almost exclusively. What he is doing, what she is doing, what he did last week, how much pain they are causing, etc. etc. etc. It’s what they have been doing all along, and suddenly someone is listening to them, so it’s a relief to tell the story. After a while, they start to listen more in the meetings and they don’t hear us talking about the alcoholic, but our OWN programs. And they are puzzled, and intrigued. They start asking questions, and they get a sponsor, and start working the steps. Then they understand - that they are pulling the power and focus away from the alcohol/alcoholic and putting it back into the things they CAN control, which is themselves and their own choices. And an Al-Anon should NOT have said, “Your husband is NOT going to stop drinking.” Alcoholics choose recovery every day, and there is never a time when their choice to recover cannot be made, so that person was 100% wrong to say that. Perhaps she meant, “There is NOTHING YOU CAN DO to get your husband to stop drinking,” and that would be correct. Your husband has to choose recovery for himself, you can’t make him choose it. Many times, as the opening says, when the spouse starts to recover, they set different boundaries and this wakes the alcoholic up enough to choose their own recovery, but not always. But I would NEVER tell a spouse that their alcoholic won’t ever stop drinking. What you need to do is live your life each day for YOU and your kids, and not continue to react to him. It’s a very tall order and that’s why we need one another for support.

Al-Anon usually has a regional office, with hired workers who answer the phone, but on nights and weekends, they will forward the phones to members who volunteer. In our area, those volunteers aren’t necessarily trained in what to say and what not to say. The issue is not really whether or not you leave your husband. It’s how YOU are going to live your life on a daily basis, whether or not you leave him. That choice really doesn’t have to be made until or unless you are ready to make it, and no one can tell you when/if it’s time to do that. Only YOU can decide that, from prayer and contact with God. We say frequently, “You’ll know when you know.” Many people come in feeling a sense of urgency and yet fear of what their lives will be like without the alcoholic. They relax once they find out Al-Anon is not going to tell them to kick the alcoholic out before they are ready to do so. And if they decide not to do that, they can still live a good life. I will admit that it’s harder to do so, no doubt, if the alcoholic does not choose recovery. But I know people who have done just that.

My husband is not my “qualifier,” although he does have other addictions. My mother’s father was a violent alcoholic and a couple of her brothers went that way too. I get a lot out of Al-Anon. It has helped me live a happier life. I would be who I am no matter what my husband did or didn’t do. And so would you, since you grew up with alcoholism. Al-Anon has an entire daily reader directed toward adult children of alcoholics, it’s called, “Hope for Today.”

Here are the meetings in the Republic of Ireland. It seems like there are meetings everywhere.

All towns/ all counties

And here are the meetings in Northern Ireland. Again, a lot of meetings.

Northern Ireland

I think if you can’t find a meeting to attend, you’re not trying hard enough. Whatever. You have to want recovery before you will seek it.

The not reacting is a tall order, particularly if he says something insensitive to the kids.

I looked up the meetings. There is one right around the corner from me on a Monday night at 8.30. I’ll not say I will go tonight as my youngest son is very unwell at the moment and off school. But I will give it a spin. Although I have to say I don’t really like groups as I’m very uncomfortable baring my feelings in a group situation. But I know you are right that I need support, and the right sort of support. The last thing me, or anyone needs is to be judged.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

The not reacting is a tall order, particularly if he says something insensitive to the kids.

I looked up the meetings. There is one right around the corner from me on a Monday night at 8.30. I’ll not say I will go tonight as my youngest son is very unwell at the moment and off school. But I will give it a spin. Although I have to say I don’t really like groups as I’m very uncomfortable baring my feelings in a group situation. But I know you are right that I need support, and the right sort of support. The last thing me, or anyone needs is to be judged.

You are not expected to share anything in meetings, ever. If you decide to, you will not be judged in any way. Some meetings do allow more “cross talk,” which means that people might respond to your share and give you their experience, strength, and hope (most AA meetings allow this sort of “cross talk,” but Al-Anon meetings tend not to encourage it). Of course if the meeting is very small, it’s a little harder not to share, but a newcomer would not be put on the spot like that. Try more than one meeting because there can be differences in how each one is conducted although there are certain precepts that we all have to follow. It’s hard to tell if a meeting is healthy or not until you’ve got at least one more meeting to compare it to.

Sorry your son is ill.

 

[EasterJoy]

OP, your husband sounds as if he is someone who does not notice you except to say something harsh. (It does not sound as if it is likely that anyone else in the world is getting anything better from him, for that matter, not that this is any consolation.)

There is a definition of insanity that goes like this: Insanity is when someone keeps doing the same thing and yet expects a different outcome.

The outcome you are getting is simply not acceptable. It is realistically possible that your husband, whether due to emotional reasons beyond his control or because of decisions he makes in spite of their consequences, is never going to act as a father in your children’s lives. He fulfills the role only to the degree that he is physically present to be given that place in your family by the other family members. He is doing essentially nothing else to fulfill his role, at least nothing except provide financial support, which is no more than a court would force him to do if it came to that. He is being loved, but he seems to not only return it but does not do much to even actively accept it. Is that true? If it can change, is your present course remotely likely to help effect that change?

This is what canon law says about Separation with the Bond Remaining. Please note that the Church does allow that the need for separation can be so important that a spouse may avail herself of it without permission:

*Can. 1151 Spouses have the duty and right to preserve conjugal living unless a legitimate cause excuses them.

Can. 1152 §1. Although it is earnestly recommended that a spouse, moved by Christian charity and concerned for the good of the family, not refuse forgiveness to an adulterous partner and not disrupt conjugal life, nevertheless, if the spouse did not condone the fault of the other expressly or tacitly, the spouse has the right to sever conjugal living unless the spouse consented to the adultery, gave cause for it, or also committed adultery.

§2. Tacit condonation exists if the innocent spouse has had marital relations voluntarily with the other spouse after having become certain of the adultery. It is presumed, moreover, if the spouse observed conjugal living for six months and did not make recourse to the ecclesiastical or civil authority.

§3. If the innocent spouse has severed conjugal living voluntarily, the spouse is to introduce a cause for separation within six months to the competent ecclesiastical authority which, after having investigated all the circumstances, is to consider carefully whether the innocent spouse can be moved to forgive the fault and not to prolong the separation permanently.

Can. 1153 §1. If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving, either by decree of the local ordinary or even on his or her own authority if there is danger in delay.

§2. In all cases, when the cause for the separation ceases, conjugal living must be restored unless ecclesiastical authority has established otherwise.

Can. 1154 After the separation of the spouses has taken place, the adequate support and education of the children must always be suitably provided.

Can. 1155 The innocent spouse laudably can readmit the other spouse to conjugal life; in this case the innocent spouse renounces the right to separate.*

There is no doubt whatsoever that you have described legitimate cause for leaving without delay. There is also no doubt whatsoever that if your husband is capable of change he is least likely to change if the situation at home does nothing to force him to consider choosing change. Keep doing the same thing, expect to keep getting the same result. This is just common sense.

It is highly unrealistic to believe that your best chance of improving your situation is to set your course by yourself and muddle through. That would be like a lawyer representing himself in court. You need someone to help you sort this out a) who is trained and well-suited to helping in your situation and b) who is not in the middle of the situation. Even if family counseling was what you did for a living, you’d still need help to sort out your own situation. As it is, you are not trained in that area. Please please seek out the help of those who are. Be as willing to accept guidance as you would be if you were a sensible client seeking the advocacy of an attorney.

IOW: You are in over your head. Quit trying to work through this without help. Quit looking for the right advice that is going to ease your load. Find a person or persons who can give you on-going support and a place to voice what you’re going through and give dispassionate feedback about your options. You are really in that kind of a situation, and that applies whether you choose to stay or choose to leave.

Even the Lord had his Simon of Cyrene. Go find yours, and accept that help.

 

[EasterJoy]

The not reacting is a tall order, particularly if he says something insensitive to the kids.

I looked up the meetings. There is one right around the corner from me on a Monday night at 8.30. I’ll not say I will go tonight as my youngest son is very unwell at the moment and off school. But I will give it a spin. Although I have to say I don’t really like groups as I’m very uncomfortable baring my feelings in a group situation. But I know you are right that I need support, and the right sort of support. The last thing me, or anyone needs is to be judged.

If groups aren’t your thing, you can also go and just listen. That is OK. In either event, if you can find yourself someone to talk to in the way you are most comfortable talking, find that.

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

If the Alcoholism causes continual rows and animosity affecting your children to a high degree; my suggestion is separation in order for your husband to choose life long detoxification benefiting your children in the long run.

Most often, as you would be aware, a habit is not broken in the home, rather a change of environment.

Pray The Holy Rosary once a day, week in-week out, asking Jesus to heal your husband completely for Eternity.

Jesus and Our Lady Mary conquered two of the battles Satan wreaked havoc over for a few years in relation to my family, until I prayed Our Lady’s Holy Rosary. Two have disappeared with their Divine love, wisdom and guidance. One to go!

Try and talk your husband into doing some charity work interstate or overseas, or taking his work skills into a completely different environment and arena for 3 months; ie in Australia there is the Mercy Ship travelling to parts of Africa - any person who wishes to work and contribute (with conditions) do so regularly.

Perhaps your husband could break alcoholism by organising some fundraising activities with your son on a regular basis getting him away from the home or wherever he drinks. This has worked for people I know. For instance, your son organises a 4 wd get together locally, roping his Dad into the event, ensure the flyer states ‘alcohol free fundraiser’. Dad and son can register with Charities in your local area to contribute twice weekly getting your husband out of the home.

People with addictions: change of environment, loads of interests, counselling in between oh and suggest Stout for every second drink then every drink (that is how my mother-in-law broke her alcoholism 18 years ago and fine today). Her livers and organs were all damaged.

More more more interests and activities out of the home for your husband!

Love and best wishes

 

[Eliza10]

The not reacting is a tall order, particularly if he says something insensitive to the kids. …

minkymurph, first of all I want to say I am sorry for jumping to conclusions. I am trying to read more carefully what you write. I agree, if your house has only a little over a year til its paid, see what you can do to keep the peace at least that long. Also remembering that for you a year is a lot faster than it is for your children. Keeping peace might include being out of the house as much as possible when he is home!

As to not reacting, yes, it does seem wrong if he is saying something to the kids, and also to you. I agree, you must say something. But I think its acting you need to do, not reacting, and that book I told you of on Verbal Abuse tells you how to respond in a simple way that is more acting than reacting. Simple things like “Stop it” and “I don’t like that kind of talk” are actually powerful when you understand why and when to say it. Here is a link to the book on Amazon; you can read about it there: amazon.com/The-Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-recognize/dp/1440504636/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1355189933&sr=8-1&keywords=patricia+Evans+verbally+abusive
There are so many copies out there that you can buy a used copy for under a dollar on half.com. Plus shipping.

There is a wonderful modern day prophet from USA living in Ireland, Anne a Lay Apostle, and she has an apostolate with the approval of the Church (at least one full-time priest is assigned to her apostolate) and she has been on EWTN. You might be interested in looking into her, and all the encouraging words she brings us through Direction For Our Times. It might be a good place to go for a retreat, too, and to find some holy people who will pray for you in your situation. I would sure do that if I were in Ireland. I like the words they share with us because so many of us don’t live perfect lives, because we live in a sinful world, and we have some real messed-up lives because of the real messed-up people in our lives sometimes. Its interesting in this case how God speaks to us through a “cracked vessel”, a divorced woman, known in the past to swear and smoke, and she apparently was involved in a battered woman’s support group before this ministry because her first husband was a severe abuser, and the fiction book she wrote well before she was involved in her apostolate, back in the states, Breakable Vow, supposed to be based on her own story, is a real page turner. You can find dirt on Anne because she is the real thing, and therefore like any true prophet she has some strong detractors (she does not call herself a prophet, but a lay apostle) but at any rate her bishop has approved all her publications as being in line with all Catholic teaching. Everything is submitted to the Vatican. Yet there will be those who think they know better than the bishops and the Vatican.

 

[Xantippe]

Here’s a follow-up with regard to autism spectrum issues.

It’s very likely that your husband has some autistic features (like his son) and is self-medicating with alcohol. If that is the case, knowing it doesn’t solve your problems with him, but it does suggest an angle of approach. It suggests that your husband isn’t doing all this stuff just to be nasty or abusive, but because he feels uncomfortable and is trying to control his environment and deal with overwhelming sensory (name removed by moderator)ut. (I expect having those apprentices is pretty hellish for him. Of course, he’s no picnic for them, either.) He might benefit from talking to a psychologist who works with autistic people, or you might benefit from doing the same to get pointers for how to manage him.

If you can get hold of it, there’s a very good (but rather sad) book entitled Alone Together: Making an Asperger Marriage Work.

amazon.com/Alone-Together-Making-Asperger-Marriage/dp/1843105373

It’s by a Swiss woman who married an Australian man and only years later discovered why he was so difficult to be with. I don’t think there was any alcohol among their marital problems, but I think you should read the book. If you can get your husband to read it, that would be fantastic.

Best wishes!

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

Minky, no-one knows your marriage and family other than God, The Holy Spirit, Jesus, Our Lady Mary and yourself. Totally ignore all negative or judgemental comments from any contributors as they do not know your situation at all.

Never take personally any suggestions made to you on websites or anywhere else, given that most people take the time to offer suggestions to assist others when they seek help on issues/matters.

You and I both know as Mothers (a great percentage do) that we always do the very best for our children (yourself included Minky)!

I love, admire and respect you (not even having met you) that God has given you TWO most difficult tasks in your life to get through and you have coped beautifully raising your children on top of dealing with your husband’s major problem. You will continue getting through with flying colours, all that God, The Holy Spirit, Jesus and Our Lady Mary chose to hand you (other people would not have coped the way YOU have without a doubt).

I plead with you again to please pray Our Lady’s Holy Rosary as you are cleaning, cooking, washing, driving, believing that Jesus will take away the alcoholism in your husband.

You are correct, more problems do arise with separation; been there and done that and back again 7 years through a separation still supported a mentally ill husband (God called me back to finish off what I’d left), although no defacto business (separate rooms).

Every person’s problems/matters and people’s marriages are all unique and different with of course varied circumstances, therefore, people cannot judge, only offer positive caring suggestions for the author of a post to make their own decisions in the best overall interests of their children and themselves.

I will include you in today’s Holy Rosary to Our Lady to guide you Minky.

I was given as a mother

 

[steph410]

I would suggest physically separating from him, whatever price that may take. my mother is an alcoholic, so I know what it is like. I don’t believe it would be right to divorce, but you need to raise your kids in a healthy and normal environment. it is your duty to them. not to mention, you need to live in a healthy and normal environment as well. good luck, I’m so sorry!

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

Wonderful contributors and Minky Murph you are a wonderful Mum being strong and coming to the point of taking positive action.

The Forum Elder’s advice is the way to go and you owe it to yourself and your childrens happiness to do this now!

I did include you in Our Lady’s Holy Rosary this week - Jesus and Our Lady Mary are giving you the strength to proceed and follow through Minky, God Bless.

 

[minkymurph]

I would suggest physically separating from him, whatever price that may take. my mother is an alcoholic, so I know what it is like. I don’t believe it would be right to divorce, but you need to raise your kids in a healthy and normal environment. it is your duty to them. not to mention, you need to live in a healthy and normal environment as well. good luck, I’m so sorry!

I do appreciate your kind words, but there’s something I must say and forgive me if it seems like I’m ranting.

I can understand why people say leave. However, all who have suggested that appear to be assuming leaving is straightforward - just leave. Interestingly, and feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but not one person has suggested my husband leave. Why is that? Why not have him evicted from the family home? Why should the innocent parties suffer all the hardship? Can someone give me one good reason why I should uproot my children and leave the family home as opposed to him? It could be argued my mistake is not staying, but not insisting he leaves. I’d like to pose a question. If things were the other way around, in that I was the alcoholic and my husband was posting this thread, would he get the same advice - leave? Or would people be telling him to tell me to leave?

I can understand why you would say whatever price that may take. The price to be paid may be higher than the price of staying. Will my husband stop saying unkind things, contribute more financially and get his act together if I leave? At the dinner table last night, my eldest son told his father, and I was there, I was thinking of leaving and he did not want to go. It is true that I am the adult and a child should not make such a decision. However, should I just ignore the fact he does not want to leave and tell him I know best?

What if my eldest son wants to stay with my husband? Can anyone be certain a court will not let my eldest son stay with his dad if he wants to? Courts will step in only when a child is considered ‘at risk.’ Would having my kids placed on an ‘at risk’ register be in their best interests? Assuming a court would place them on a register. It is unlikely they would. In addition, how seeing mom and dad at each others throats in court, saying lots of bad things about each other affect my kids? I would also ask, are people under the impression if I leave it will shock my husband into getting help and addressing his issues? My father didn’t address his issues when my mother left him. My husband did not address his issues when I left before.

Leaving may limit the amount of time my children and I spend with their father, but it would not cure the problem. The only person who can cure the problem is him. If he is not willing to do that, leaving won’t make him. In my book, if things are bad enough to warrant leaving, then things are bad enough for my kids not to be around my husband at all, and bad enough for me not to be around him at all. You are right to say I have a duty to my kids. So does their father. Leaving would absolve him of any duty or responsibility. Take a look at part-time fathers. If I leave he can live how he wants, drink as much as he likes, get to play the good guy all the time and spoil the kids on Saturdays.

You are right to say my kids need to live in a healthy and normal environment. Would leaving guarantee that? Take a look at the children of couples who live separately. I know many a couple who live separately, and their children are not better off and being raised in a better environment as a consequence. In my book the part-time parent/family does not result in kids being raised in a more healthy, normal environment. Far from it.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Had time to get to an Al-Anon meeting yet?

 

[hurting]

I do appreciate your kind words, but there’s something I must say and forgive me if it seems like I’m ranting.

I can understand why people say leave. However, all who have suggested that appear to be assuming leaving is straightforward - just leave. Interestingly, and feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but not one person has suggested my husband leave. Why is that? Why not have him evicted from the family home? Why should the innocent parties suffer all the hardship? Can someone give me one good reason why I should uproot my children and leave the family home as opposed to him? It could be argued my mistake is not staying, but not insisting he leaves. I’d like to pose a question. If things were the other way around, in that I was the alcoholic and my husband was posting this thread, would he get the same advice - leave? Or would people be telling him to tell me to leave?

I can understand why you would say whatever price that may take. The price to be paid may be higher than the price of staying. Will my husband stop saying unkind things, contribute more financially and get his act together if I leave? At the dinner table last night, my eldest son told his father, and I was there, I was thinking of leaving and he did not want to go. It is true that I am the adult and a child should not make such a decision. However, should I just ignore the fact he does not want to leave and tell him I know best?

What if my eldest son wants to stay with my husband? Can anyone be certain a court will not let my eldest son stay with his dad if he wants to? Courts will step in only when a child is considered ‘at risk.’ Would having my kids placed on an ‘at risk’ register be in their best interests? Assuming a court would place them on a register. It is unlikely they would. In addition, how seeing mom and dad at each others throats in court, saying lots of bad things about each other affect my kids? I would also ask, are people under the impression if I leave it will shock my husband into getting help and addressing his issues? My father didn’t address his issues when my mother left him. My husband did not address his issues when I left before.

Leaving may limit the amount of time my children and I spend with their father, but it would not cure the problem. The only person who can cure the problem is him. If he is not willing to do that, leaving won’t make him. In my book, if things are bad enough to warrant leaving, then things are bad enough for my kids not to be around my husband at all, and bad enough for me not to be around him at all. You are right to say I have a duty to my kids. So does their father. Leaving would absolve him of any duty or responsibility. Take a look at part-time fathers. If I leave he can live how he wants, drink as much as he likes, get to play the good guy all the time and spoil the kids on Saturdays.

You are right to say my kids need to live in a healthy and normal environment. Would leaving guarantee that? Take a look at the children of couples who live separately. I know many a couple who live separately, and their children are not better off and being raised in a better environment as a consequence. In my book the part-time parent/family does not result in kids being raised in a more healthy, normal environment. Far from it.

A couple of thoughts…

1. You are getting a great deal of advice from posters with an Americanized view of marriage, divorce and annulment. If I read correctly, you are in Ireland, where I presume the civil laws certainly vary (presumably your law training will be of some use here) as do the application of the Church’s laws from those in the States.
2. Your concern that you may not be able to ensure control of access to the children, up to and including legal custody, I assume is well informed by your superior understanding of your own legal circumstances. The posters on this forum understand domestic relations law from a U.S. perspective wherein maternal custody is almost a surety and fathers are routinely kicked out of their children’s lives for no reason.
3. The canons cited above admonish separating spouses to return to conjugal life as soon as practical. This admonishment is usually left out or de-emphasized.
4. If you leave, please try everything you can to restore your marriage, if only for your children’s sake.
5. Please consult an orthodox (meaning conservative) priest as soon as possible.

 

[minkymurph]

Had time to get to an Al-Anon meeting yet?

The next meeting will be Monday evening - and my son has now recovered.

 

[minkymurph]

A couple of thoughts…
2. Your concern that you may not be able to ensure control of access to the children, up to and including legal custody, I assume is well informed by your superior understanding of your own legal circumstances.

In the majority of cases courts will award legal custody to the mother - unless she is the problem. I could deny my husband access, but it is highly unlikely a court would. Courts also take into account who the children want to stay with and how they feel about leaving the family home. They may have to testify in the family court, or the judge speak to them privately in chambers. This is one of the reasons why many couples who split choose to sort things out between them. They don’t want a messy court battle and huge legal bills. It’s also a rare occasion when the decision of the court is exactly what one party wants. I was at a seminar last week and a current magistrate stated the last thing anyone wants to do is go to court. Attorney’s trade with each other to avoid court.

If I left I would also need somewhere to live, which would mean renting a separate property. I could also be facing crying and pleas of ‘please don’t make us go back to the other house we want to stay here’ every time they are with their father.

As far as the family home goes, why the marriage broke down has little bearing on distribution of property. The court will merely look at who owns it, which is both of us equally, and they only step in where one party wants to sell and the other doesn’t. The other option would be to have my husband evicted. It would be very difficult to persuade a court to force someone from their own home - particularly if I was not living in it. In such a situation where parties can’t agree the courts often force a sale and order the parties to split the money.

A court will grant a legal separation if a couple has lived a apart for a year. You can’t get any financial assistance unless you are legally separated. The reason for that is the welfare system is quite generous to single mothers and so many people abused the system. Separation was being used as a scam to own two properties, rent one out and pay less tax. The courts now need to be satisfied a couple are serious about separation, and don’t buy ‘trial separation.’

1. The canons cited above admonish separating spouses to return to conjugal life as soon as practical. This admonishment is usually left out or de-emphasized.
2. If you leave, please try everything you can to restore your marriage, if only for your children’s sake.

This is were I have the difficulty. I may be reading into this wrongly, but I feel leaving is being suggested in order to bring my husband to his senses for the purpose of restoring the marriage. If leaving would bring him to his senses, then it may well be worth the risk, but what if it doesn’t? It didn’t before. That’s why I say if I leave again it will be for good.

If children or a spouse are at risk, then yes you leave for their safety and your own. You can file for a restraining order to prevent any contact with a spouse - obviously another messy business and in my case it is highly unlikely a court would refuse my husband access. However, if things are that bad then I say the marriage is over.

 

[minkymurph]

Just want to thank everyone for their prayers.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

The next meeting will be Monday evening - and my son has now recovered.

Yay! Now don’t make excuses, just go!

 

[minkymurph]

Yay! Now don’t make excuses, just go!

As if I would make excuses. Your absolutely right I would. Truth is, I’m scared. I’m not good at just going round to a group and saying, ‘Hi I’m here.’ I feel embarrassed. What embarrasses me if people seeing me going in, and the fact I might see someone I know there. I feel embarrassed to ask for support in that it may make me look weak to others. They pity me and feel sorry for me which is last thing I want. I want real friends, not people who feel sorry for me. A real friend doesn’t feel sorry for you. They have empathy for you but don’t pity you. That is just patronizing. It also makes me feel vulnerable. When you reach out for help and admit you need support, you can regret it.

Also, it’s a small world here. You couldn’t scratch yourself but everyone will know. When I got engaged, I found out I was related to my husband. Not unusual here.

I also feel it’s as bit disloyal. It’s one thing to talk on the internet where you have anonymity, but an open forum? On the other hand it may be a good thing because people who know my husband know he has his faults, but think he is a good guy. I’m just not good at this sort of thing. I prefer to be able to solve my own problems myself rather than lean on anyone else, because experience has taught me looking for support from others leads to disappointment.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

There IS a connection, but that is not the cause of alcoholism. If it were, alcoholics could just stop eating sugar and stay sober. I think alcoholics become sugar-addicted as they drink more, but I’m not in this line of research, so it’s just speculation. And not all alcoholics have a problem with sugar. Also plenty of folks who are addicted to sweets have no problem with alcohol.

I didn’t say that people addicted to sweets would have a problem with alcohol. I was only seconding the information I heard that alcoholism has a lot to do with the sugar levels of a person. Control the sugar levels and you will not have so much of a craving to go back and drink and thus won’t have such a hard battle to fight. I do realize that not every alcoholic out there drinks because of this, but it is something to try for those who may want to.