I knew he/she was NOT for me when

[Phaedra777]

When he was giving me the tour of his house and one room was a veritable shrine to his ex-wife.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

He told me that if we were going to have a future together I had to get rid of my cats.

My response? “Bye!”

As we say in the South,

“Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!”

 

[BlueEyedLady]

As we say in the South,

“Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!”

Yep, I’ll be using that phrase from now on.

 

[Matrix_Refugee]

I had one date with a friend of mine, and we were planning a second date, when we had a conversation that ended up being a deal-breaker for me. He asked me how my day was, and I told him that I was just back from an appointment with my therapist. He said to me, “You don’t need therapy, you just need to go to your confessor more often.”

I told him, “My confessor isn’t going to help me manage the autism spectrum condition I just got diagnosed with.”

He said, “Oh, there’s no such thing: You just need to take more vitamins/not let yourself get stressed out.”

I told him he didn’t know what he was talking about, that I’d had a doctor, a social worker, a psychologist, and a counselor with two autistic sons of his own, all tell me I’m a high-functioning autistic, and that the diagnosis was the best thing that had happened to me since I no longer felt broken or crazy. I broke off the date with him, and while I’ve chatted casually with him at the social hour after Mass, I don’t really go out of my way to be friends with him since then. Real friends don’t minimize people’s health conditions!

My mother thinks I should have given him a chance, to which I replied, “Ma, if he couldn’t accept the fact that I’m autistic now, how do you think he’d be if I’d married him and one of our kids was diagnosed with autism?”

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Yep, I’ll be using that phrase from now on.

Consider that my gift to you. It comes in quite handy.

:thankyou:

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

I had one date with a friend of mine, and we were planning a second date, when we had a conversation that ended up being a deal-breaker for me. He asked me how my day was, and I told him that I was just back from an appointment with my therapist. He said to me, “You don’t need therapy, you just need to go to your confessor more often.”

That is such a trigger for me as someone with depression. People would never say, “You don’t need to see an oncologist, you just need to get to confession more often,” or “You don’t need an appointment with a hematologist, you just need a good, holy priest.” But when it’s mental/emotional problems, oh - all that stuff will be mediated with more prayer and more frequent reception of the Sacraments.

That attitude is so dismissive and disrespectful of people with mental health issues.

And the irony is that if you went to a competent priest/confessor regarding your autism, he’d tell you to see a therapist.

Luna

 

[Matrix_Refugee]

That is such a trigger for me as someone with depression. People would never say, “You don’t need to see an oncologist, you just need to get to confession more often,” or “You don’t need an appointment with a hematologist, you just need a good, holy priest.” But when it’s mental/emotional problems, oh - all that stuff will be mediated with more prayer and more frequent reception of the Sacraments.

That attitude is so dismissive and disrespectful of people with mental health issues.

And the irony is that if you went to a competent priest/confessor regarding your autism, he’d tell you to see a therapist.

Luna

Yeah. It’s triggery for me, too: I’d initially started going to therapy for the depression that had come with not being diagnosed for so long. My therapist literally saved my life a couple years before the incident of the know-it-all guy, when my depression had spiraled into persistent suicidal thoughts, so I was not about to let this particular yobbo tell me how to take care of myself, which made it all the more clear, I was not meant to spend my life with this guy.

I should also add that said therapist is a good Catholic working for Catholic Charities; I might have told him that at the time, but if I remember correctly, he still minimized it because said therapist is a layperson.

And you’re right on the money, re: what a priest would have told me about being autistic! I’d had a talk with a priest-friend a couple weeks before I went into therapy, and he’d told me as much, re: the depression.

I should also add that, since this incident, any time we’re at the social hour after Mass, my very protective dad kind of keeps an eye on Know-It-All-Guy, so he doesn’t bother me ever again. As my dad put it, after getting to know Know-It-All-Guy, “He’s got more issues than you do: you’re wise to have dumped the idiot.”

 

[CountryMom27]

Boyfriend #1 - when he would berate himself for his failings, and yet do little to change. Then of course when he broke up with me, and then later wanted to be intimate (foolish girl, I was).

Boyfriend #2 - when I realized I could never love an atheist. When he talked about returning to college, but never did. When he never changed the clothes he wore, the furniture in his house, his car, nothing. Fast forward - when he married his wife, he went back to school & finished his degree, sold the old house & redecorated, etc.

Boyfriend #3 - when I realized I could never love a non-Christian (he was a Jew).

Boyfriend #4 - I married him!

 

[Debora123]

If a girl smoked that was an instant disqualifyer for me. . . . UUUUCCCCKKK!!!

Yeah I always said it would be for me too… I guess the only reason I even kept dating him once I found out he smoked was because he literally NEVER did it around me, made sure never to smell like cigarettes, and had me convinced he’d quit.

Dating him for a whole year was probably THE dumbest thing I’ve ever done in my life. My excuse is I was only 16.

Three years later I fell in love with the perfect man.

 

[chevalier]

I told him he didn’t know what he was talking about, that I’d had a doctor, a social worker, a psychologist, and a counselor with two autistic sons of his own, all tell me I’m a high-functioning autistic, and that the diagnosis was the best thing that had happened to me since I no longer felt broken or crazy. I broke off the date with him, and while I’ve chatted casually with him at the social hour after Mass, I don’t really go out of my way to be friends with him since then. Real friends don’t minimize people’s health conditions!

It’s a dangerous thing about a potential spouse if he understands medicine better than the doctors, law better than the lawyers, car stuff better than the professional mechanic, let alone theology better than the priest (better than the Church at any rate). Don’t wanna be judging etc. but it may be very hard to bear. It could even prevent any meaningful communication.

I should also add that said therapist is a good Catholic working for Catholic Charities; I might have told him that at the time, but if I remember correctly, he still minimized it because said therapist is a layperson.

Bad understanding of religion. What’s next? What when the fridge runs out of food? Pray for food to show up in there or go and buy the groceries (and thank God for having a job to pay for it)? Grrr…

---

What makes some of our posters speak in such a way about smoking? I have asthma, passive smoke actually is harmful to me, yet I can’t even begin to think about smoking as a deal-breaker, let alone seeing the other person as a bit of a social outcast. Is that about the addiction or the cancer risk or…? Don’t want to give you an impression I’m argumentative about this, though. “Because I hate the smell of it,” is a fine answer.

 

[Luvz2travel]

It’s pretty much always the same. When the selfish attitude, possessiveness or manipulative controlling behavior appear then I know it’s not right. Sorry I just attract the same sort time after time it just takes a little longer in some cases for the behavior to rear it’s ugly head.

 

[EasterJoy]

When they spent time with my family. That’s when the absence of essentials were the most obvious. This is somebody who will be there with my family for every birth, death, and major holiday. When somebody just does not fit in, it shows.

 

[StarFireKK]

We were having a conversation about babies and adoption. It was more of a general conversation (read: not about us in particular) that was inspired by a news article.

He told me he could never adopt a child.

Not because he didn’t feel called to be an adoptive parent. Not because he was worried about dealing with developmental or emotional problems. Nope…

Because he didn’t think he should have to love a child that wasn’t his genetically.

I tried to tell him it wasn’t a “have to” it was a “get to” but he just rolled his eyes. I went on to try to have a discussion about love for your fellow man and all that. He interrupted me and told me that was just what my Catholic upbringing brainwashed me to believe.

I wish I could say I stood up and walked out the door saying: “Maybe so, buddy. Maybe so.”

But I’m not that cool. Took me a couple of months to realize- no, he wasn’t having trouble expressing himself. Yes, he was that selfish.

 

[Ridgerunner]

BAD REASON: When “X” wrote me a letter and used poor English. I have never been able to stand that.

GOOD REASON: When “Y” wanted to have sex for fun, and said it. Marriage was not at the time on my mind with “Y”, and she knew it, though she asked me to marry her. I had the belief that it didn’t go beyond sex with her.

MAYBE GOOD REASON: When “Z” told me (truthfully, I believe) she was so wealthy that I would not need to ever work if we married. None in her circle did. Doctors, lawyers, all sorts of people with degrees, and none of them actually worked. She didn’t think it would quite fit if I worked at an ordinary job, but possibly as a political person. She did think I could do well among her friends at polo (I could ride reasonably well) and possibly even at sailing (never did that). She had a mutual friend set us up for a sexual liason at a hotel. (too long a story to recount)o That was the end. (And no, I didn’t take her up on it.) It all had “kept man” written all over it. Oh, she did let me know that two children was the limit. Thinking about it again, even though some have said I was stupid, there is no doubt in my mind that it was “good reason”.

 

[nickybr38]

I knew he/she was NOT for me when…

… he couldn’t make the simplest decisions without (name removed by moderator)ut. Even which shirt to wear for the day… that was a bit much especially as we were only on our first week of dating.

 

[SamH]

I knew I couldn’t marry her when

Girl #12
She adopted a cat and kept it in the house then didn’t clean up the fecal matter the cat left behind.

Woman #9
She asked me if I thought her 22 year old daughter was “hot”. Never did quite figure out where that was headed (I was only 28).

Girl #7
Hated her parents and wrote poetry about.

Woman #4
Asked me if I would make her student loan payments because she was behind that month.

Woman #3
Wanted me to spend more time with her - to the point of wanting me to not go to work.

Woman #2
Stole money from my wallet, bank account and borrowed my car when I was sleeping. Claimed we’d be married soon so it didn’t matter - it did.

 

[Onegin]

When he talked about returning to college, but never did. When he never changed the clothes he wore, the furniture in his house, his car, nothing. Fast forward - when he married his wife, he went back to school & finished his degree, sold the old house & redecorated, etc.

This sounds eerily like my Boyfriend #1. He dropped out of college, lived with his parents and had no ambitions to change anything. He expected me to support him and used his health condition as a crutch. Recently he met a Jewish girl, apparently converted away from Catholicism (another good reason he wasn’t for me!), got a job, finished school and now they are engaged. I’m glad it worked out for him, we were never on bad terms and I hope he comes back to the Church someday.

Boyfriend #2 (5 years later): Thought I hit the lottery with this guy, as he was well-read, well-travelled, had an interest in something other than sports. Realized he wasn’t for me sometime between the time he suggested anorexia as a cure for my “weight issues” (I’m
a size 8 and he though I should be a size 2) and the point when he incinuated my family was low-class because we didn’t own large tracts of family land in India like his parents did. Sadly I tried to salvage the “relationship” and stuck around much longer than I should have. He was Catholic too. Hrm.

Boyfriend #3: When I found out he was still married and hadn’t told me (broke my little heart).

 

[Snugglebugmom]

After a physically and emotionally abusive relationship that lasted for ten years (yes, I know… it’s both sad and infuriating to have wasted that much time, feeling like I just didn’t deserve any better), the final straw was when he had his umpteenth affair and I found out that this time the girl in question was 15 years old. He was 27. At that moment, it was like a light bulb went on inside my head. I thought:“That’s sick. A fifteen year old is a child. That’s just disgusting.” and just like that, I was done and it was over. No more fear, no more sadness. Just disgust and an overwhelming sense of relief and freedom.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

After a physically and emotionally abusive relationship that lasted for ten years (yes, I know… it’s both sad and infuriating to have wasted that much time, feeling like I just didn’t deserve any better), the final straw was when he had his umpteenth affair and I found out that this time the girl in question was 15 years old. He was 27. At that moment, it was like a light bulb went on inside my head. I thought:“That’s sick. A fifteen year old is a child. That’s just disgusting.” and just like that, I was done and it was over. No more fear, no more sadness. Just disgust and an overwhelming sense of relief and freedom.

I had the same exact feeling. Almost like leaving the Twilight Zone.

 

[Inquiringperson]

I realized God was calling me to the monastic life and becoming a priest.

Timeline

July- Went to a spiritual retreat. Girl I like told me she liked me. Next day, she kissed me on the cheek.

August- She explains in an e-mail that that kiss was a goodbye kiss so I can discern whether the priesthood was right for me or not.

September- I figure my vocation was marriage and becoming a deacon and canon lawyer. How wrong I was.

October- Went to another spiritual release. I get the Dark Night of the Soul. Immediately afterwards, I discover my vocation.

Here I am now.